parents from different countries/different SES

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Good luck!

thatbags-thank you for making me see how I left out my DIL in "having to deal with all of this stuff". My mind is not reeling as it was when I first arrived. Then, I could never have entertained the thought that children could be that resilient. Now that I've been here longer, I can see that though things are rough business wise, that DS and DIL do have a love for each other, and their daughters adore them. So, it isn't the way I hoped and dreamed it would be for my DS & his family, but it seems to work for them much of the time.

I realize that part of my rage was that there are things that I can't control as I've been able to in the past - & by that I don't mean anyone's behavior. I mean that my financial situation is not as it was, and I feel nearly helpless if they need assistance. I have become involved in my oldest GD homework & I make food for them-never w/o asking first.

I also have a very low tolerance for things not in order. My mom & MIL drilled that into me. So I keep reminding myself how difficult it was to even get around to getting everything in order when I was at that stage of life. I remember how busy every day was, and how I had actually established a "drill" and practiced it w/ my children when my MIL would call to say she was dropping by. We each had rooms assigned to us, and we knew we were to scoop things of the floor & through them in the closests. I would rush through & dust the tops of things. I don't do that to my DIL, and I'm happy she doesn't have to feel like everything has to look in order all the time.

Thanks to all who posted. Getting it out helped a lot. I'm feeling much better about things. And my DIL and I are getting along well. I will do all I can to make sure that remains the case. I've learned to bite my tongue and carry on.

I think she's on the other side of the Atlantic, tegan, so the time showing on the post may not be her local time.

Difficult to put everything in a first post; it's often the case that more information comes to light as we get to know the OP more...perhaps we should give her some slack as well?She obviously had a need to put all of this out in the early hours of the morning so needed to offload a bit.

I think you sound quite judgmental as far as your Dil is concerned and would echo bags and suggest you cut her some slack!

Also, if your son doesn't mind "coping" with it, why should you? Your posts sound disapproving of your DiL. Her upbringing is not her fault as you recognise, so why not cut her a bit of slack (make allowances)?

I am not heartless. I just wish my DS & kids wouldn't have to deal w/ all of this.

Um... why didn't you include your DiL in that wish? She has to cope with it too. More than anyone else, I'd have thought.

Eloetha-My DIL did have a difficult upbringing. She didn't have good role models. I have to hope that children are as resilient as is believed. Thanks for responding. It helps to just get things out & know someone is listening & adds perspective.

kittylester- SES is socioeconomic status. She grew up w/ grandparents who were in case of grandfather & are in case of grandmother lived on welfare. My DS had two educated working parents. So they grew up around very different types of places & people. I don't blame her, None of us chooses to whom we are born. It does upset me that in the beginning she would tell oldest GD that they had different color skin, and would look at me & tell me I want her to know what that means. She told me just 2 weeks ago - after 8 years - that the reason she thinks "her mother isn't normal" and left her w/ grandparents is that her mother was kidnapped when she was young. She also told me then that she has another brother who "my mother gave away, but I found him not long ago". Insinuated a few years ago that she was raped by relative. Frightend GD by telling her boys or men can hurt her. Hopefully no more than that. Told her never to trust men because they always leave you. This week an uncle she hasn't seen since she was 8 is moving here, I said "How nice. You must be pleased," She said she wasn't sure because he was coming due to being deported again.

I am not heartless. I just wish my DS & kids wouldn't have to deal w/ all of this.

Whilst I can understand your concerns - particularly about diet and lack of routine/attention - you do say that they "both love the children" and that is surely a big plus. Also, isn't it to your DiL's credit when she says "I don't care if we are poor again*? Although rather unrealistic, surely, that is better than a woman who keeps nagging your son because finances are shaky?

I'm sure from what you say that there are lots of things in the children's lives that could be better - as there are in many children's lives. But they do have two loving parents and a loving grandma who buys them books and reads to them. It isn't by any means perfect but it's more than a lot of children have and, as someone else said, children are pretty resilient provided they feel loved.

From what you say, your DiL has had a pretty dysfunctional and possibly frightening upbringing and is maybe doing the best she can, given that it sounds like she has had no consistent role models.

I hope things work out for you all.

Can I just ask what SES is?

Its difficult to keep quiet when its a dil but thats really what you must do. Children are really resilient and even children from unsupportive homes can do well , you could maybe encourage your son to have more input if the Mother won't/can't, you say she comes from an impoverished setting so maybe she feels her own education isn't adequate to help her children , when you are there with them maybe you could take on that role somewhat or at least give it a try with the children.
Worrying isn't going to change things, its your sons family and I'm afraid many of us have issues with how our grandchildren are raised but have to step back and let them get on with it to a certain degree.

I was asked to come. I come visit every year. This year they have a friend who just left and DS owns the condo unit that friend has been living in so gives us a chance to spend time together w/o being in each other's space. I'm retired.

Yes, they do things right in my eyes. They both love the children. DS works a great deal to provide a good life for them - but last few months and currently, business has fallen off. He is clearly anxious about this. She will say things like, "I don't care if I'm poor again." I don't respond, but do think -well you might if there is not enough $$ for living expenses. If I could afford to carry them through if times get rougher I wouldn't be as concerned. But I'm not able to do that. Her mom can't even afford to take care of herself. So it isn't unreasonable to be worried about lack of financial resources. All my family members work w/ exception of this DIL. She drops kids off, goes to the gym. Did give up her personal trainer due to drop in business. Comes home throws a load of wash in and sits in front of TV or surfs internet for 7 hours. Doesn't put clothes away. Gets her mother to do that. Her mom does most of dish washing/ loading unloading dishwasher also. Besides the fact that te kids don't eat healthy foods, what bothers me is that rather than spend time showing her daughter how the homework strategy is done or offering to help w/ practicing the spelling words; she'll say, "Hurry up and finish I don't want to be doing this. I want to sit down and enjoy my night." She wants child to do well, but isn't willing to be part of supporting her to do well. Things like this are difficult for me to understand probably because I wasn't raised that way & I didn't raise my children that way.

Why are you going to be near them for some months if they cause you so much anxiety?

Do they do anything right in your eyes?