Would you want to know you had a granddaughter?

This all seems a bit odd emma - on his part, not yours. You know very little about this man, his family, his background, even if he could already be married or in another relationship.

I feel you might be better getting on with your own life and asking nothing from this man, except the maintenance your child is entitled to. He may change after the birth, but there again I wouldn't count on it.

As far as his mother goes. Do nothing yet. Wait and see.

emma I agree with stillhere, if you wait and send a photo, their hearts should melt and hopefully everything will work out.
If they don't want to know, keep sending cute photos.
Best of luck, you sound like a loving thoughtful person

It does sound to me that your partner is having problems accepting future parenthood. He must tell his family as a child is born as part of an existing family. I think to just get photos out of the blue could be a bit of a shock.

If I am brutally honest you may be better getting on with your life and letting him b- - - - er off.

I know you will feel a bit lonely in the meantime, but don't be tempted to do anything too soon. I doubt it's even entered your ex's mind that his parents could potentially feel deprived of a grandchild until you pointed it out, he will have been thinking it was none of their business. I would want to know - but gently!

It's my first baby, and I may not have any more.

Hi stillhere,

I think that's good advice.

Re parentage, I haven't been with any other man for over a year. So there's no doubt as to parentage, and he doesn't doubt it for a second. He has filled out the daycare application at my request with his details. He knows it's his child.

Also, I have auburn-brown hair,blue eyes and fair skin. And he does too. So there's a pretty good chance baby will look like family to them.

I'd be fine to do a DNA test if they wanted that. I wouldn't take offence. I'd do anything to help the situation.

If you wait until after the birth, he sees her and still doesn't budge, then by contacting them you have nothing to lose.

If they don't want to know either I know you will feel dreadful, but don't give up all hope. Just keep sending them photos and letting them know where you are. One day they may change their minds.

A friend of mine has such a grandson (they split up before she realised she was pregnant). She loves him just as much as she does her others, but she admits at first that she was concerned about parentage, as the girl concerned already had a baby son by another father and went on to have another two - all different fathers! However the baby was the spitting image of his father, and although the mother's situation is far from ideal she does stay in contact with her on a friendly basis.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I feel much more reassured that I am thinking along the right lines that they should have the right to know.

Based on what you've all recommended, I'll wait until after baby is born, and send them small note and photographs.

My fears are:
a) I'm worried he'll be so angry with me, and may withdraw from our daughter or become really difficult, and strain our being civil for the sake of our daughter.
b) I'm worried that if for whatever reason they decide they don't want to see little Sophia, AND it infuriates him that I contacted them, I'll have caused all this damage for nothing positive. And I'll feel crushed for my little girl.

I think that's good advice, stillbere.

I would wait until after the birth, to give him time to see the baby and accept its existence. After that I think I would write to them, explaining that you don't want anything, telling them a little about yourself and enclosing photos of both of you, and that you thought they might like to know. That too will give them a chance to get used to the idea.

Yes he known I'm pregnant since I missed my period. (4 weeks) He comes back approximately every fortnight to Melbourne and sees his parents.

Hi TriciaF,

They live in Melbourne - about 20 minute drive from me. But I don't see how I can make contact now, because on what basis would I be making contact?

He has taken a job in Sydney (1 hour 20 flight away, 9 hour drive away).

I think I need to give him the opportunity to have time to tell them himself, which would be the ideal. However I have an increasing anxiety that he's not going to tell them.

Although he has told his friends, interestingly.

What would count as "every opportunity"? Depending on how long he has known about his child, if he lives with his parents it seems to me he's had every opportunity already. I can also see that it would be awkward for him given the latest information about his two-timing.

He sounds like a commitment-phobe.

Emma - our posts crossed. it's more complicated than I realised.

I think the decision you need to make is one that puts your baby first. If you think it's in the best interests of your child then I most certainly would tell the grandparents - but only after giving the father every opportunity do so first.
Very best wishes to you.

I gather his parents are in Australia? Are they far from you?
Personally, I would want to know, but I can think of situations where grandparents wouldn't want to know ( I know of one in our social circle with a similar story.)
If they're near you I would say, try making contact now, don't mention the baby yet. 20 weeks, it won't be so obvious. If they at least agree to meet you, then you could start to build up a relationship and judge the situation better.

Thanks for the advice Leticia and ninathenana.

What do I write to them, when the time comes? Do I keep it super-short and include photograph of baby Sophia?

In terms of the why he thinks it will destroy his relationship with his mother, I was baffled too. But I got a clue a few days ago. Turns out when he was supposedly on one of his boy trips, in fact his ex-girlfriend (not the one with cancer but a more recent girlfriend from London) came out to visit. I suspect she stayed with him and his parents for a few weeks, while lying to me telling me he was on road trip with the boys. This would have been after our 3 months dating, and I'm not sure before or after I found out I was pregnant, as I only just found out about this.

So explaining the timing of all this to his mother will be interesting.

He's 40 I find it very odd that he thinks him being a father will destroy his relationship with his mum. Does he think she will disown him, because your not married, if so she has a problem. Was she hoping that his recent long term relationship would make her a grandmother I wonder.
I would be devastated not to be told. Even more so if it were my only grandchild.
As Letica says I would wait till baby is here and then be sure she knows.
BTW congratulations and good luck.

Absolutely I would want to know!
I would wait until she is born- that gives him ample time.