Son's worries

Please tell him not to worry! The bonding will come.
We were living in the Gulf when I had first dd, had to come home to have her, local hospital was dire. Was away 6 weeks either side - dh came home for just a week after she was born. After I went back when she was 6 weeks he still hardly saw her, since he was working very long hours and a 6 day week on top. It probably wasn't till we were on leave over a year later that they really got to know each other properly, but he has been the most fantastic, loving dad - their relationship is wonderful, ditto dd2 after similar very long hours circs.

Tell him not to get stressed about it - baby is still so tiny and there's plenty of time.
There is just so much pressure now, and IMO too much wretched 'expert' psychobabble about all sorts - no wonder they get themselves in a tizz.

Tegan I need new glasses...
That all sounds a bit crazy and confused.
I can understand NCT saying advising not too many visitors at home as they can wear parents out...

Jess, in 1971, I was quite glad that my first son was taken to the nursery for the night. We had a tiring labour and they reckoned that both of us needed a rest. When the cot was brought to me in the morning, the bond was immediate. You know the phrase 'my heart went out'? Well, that's exactly what I felt - almost physically.

I think they were just told that they would be inundated with unwanted visitors when the baby was born and that they should make it clear when visitors could see them; unfortunately I was included in that .

Been a long time, but should confess to being an NCT teacher. Back then we certainly did not paint a rosy picture of the postnatal weeks. Tegan that is weird. The NCT to my knowledge always promoted contact and bonding. Though back in the 70s and before many hospitals still wanted to whip the baby away and put it in a nursery "so mothers could rest".
Cant speak for current trends in NCT teaching.
But it is a good way of meeting other DADS. The class reunion was the opportunity.
Many new dads are overwhelmed by feelings of responsibility.

Yes - NCT can be a good way of meeting others, but it does seem to have a rather "hearts and flowers" view of childbirth and parenthood in my experience. I am sure there will be Gransnet people who have been involved with NCT and will now post and contest that view!

Oh the dreaded NCT classes; they have been very helpful in that my DIL has a good local network of friends etc but I can so relate to the 'unrealistic view of the birth and afterwards'. I wasn't allowed to see the baby in hospital because 'NCT advises against it' .

Thank you all for your sympathetic replies. I think over the Christmas period things have begun to fall into place. My DiL is able to drive and get out and about more after her CS and they are both just getting more confidence with the baby and more sleep. I think my son really hadn't bargained for the change it was going to make to his life. They went to NCT classes and I think they both were given a totally unrealistic view of the birth and afterwards. Fortunately they made some good friends there and stay in touch with them and their babies.

How much decent sleep are they getting? Plain exhaustion could be an issue.

Your son might feel a bit nose out of joint if mum is spending all her time with the baby.
Is there any poosibilty of paternity leave for dad? Although a lot of that depends on employers or family finances.

Lots of other wisdom on here though.

? gillybob
No, I'm not having a laugh. Thank you Stansgran that is, of course, what I meant.

My SiL was in the RN when DGS 1 was born. He had to join his ship just three weeks after the birth. He was away in the south Atlantic for eight months. My DGS had no idea who the strange man was when he came home on leave. Bonding was very difficult for them ( unknown to us DGS had Asperger's). Of course Daddy had to go away again, and when he returned DGS called him the man for quite some time! DGS is now 7yrs old and he has a fantastic relationship with his Dad. Feel free to tell your son this story. I don't think he has any need to worry about bonding with his baby.

I think that his promotion and the baby will have come as a huge upheaval for both of them. I think that the main thing is to reassure him that things will settle down but it will take a while. In a few months when the baby is sitting up and taking notice he will wonder why he worried about bonding because the baby will probably think he's brilliant. The first few weeks are just such a hard slog for everybody.

The fact is that starting a family is a huge huge life change. He, like the rest of us did, will gradually get a grip on that. Life will never be the same again; his relationship with his wife will change; he has to become a real adult. No-one can change that - it is a fact of life.

I think you need to be a bit hard with him - as well as encouraging (you say he has every sign of being a good Dad so you can say that). He has to get a grip for the sake of his wife (who must be knackered) and for the child. I think if you are too sympathetic he will become more convinced that he is hard done by. He could choose to take some more of his annual leave entitlement soon if he thinks that would help. If the firm don't like it then it is not a good firm to work for.

I think she meant until you do have a baby Gillybob. The painting is always the fond gaze on the sleeping infant never the six o clock colic.

"None of us can imagine the exhaustion that comes with having a new baby" loopylou

Are you having a laugh??

Thank you so much for all your sympathetic and helpful replies. I think my son probably is mourning the loss of his previous life and fatherhood is so much more exhausting and all demanding than he thought. They both probably idealised the idea of a little cute baby (which of course he is!) I feel mean for momentarily thinking he was being selfish which all your replies make me realise he isn't. I am sure it is just going to take time to adjust and as a poster mentioned, when he starts smiling and responding it will all seem worthwhile.

In the meantime I know it will be an ongoing conversation with my son and I feel a bit better equipped to respond to him now.

My DS didn't like returning to work after DGS was born but luckily didn't have to travel with his job, in fact he's said he'd love to be a stay at home dad.
None of us can imagine the exhaustion that accompanies having a new baby, I think that's what is colouring his emotions at the moment. I'm sure it'll all pan out, it's very early days. DS said it was nearly 6 months before he and DDIL felt they were getting anywhere near the 'new normal'.

They're very lucky to have both sets of parents near; DDIL's parents stayed for a few days but had to return home abroad and I went up for about a week when DS returned to work.

So interesting. I think this enormous shift in lifestyle at his age is s toughie. I wonder what his original expectations were? They must have friends with babies and must have seen the exhaustion they bring. I do think the expectations of fathers input in child rearing have sky rocketed. My DH went back to work the next day, took no time off and I never thought he would. But I was in hospital for 10 days during which I had no other things to do other than look after the baby and recover. Now even after a C section my DDwas home within 24 hrs and sil up all night and shattered. I think exhaustion is as much to blame as anything else. At 40 it's a killer.

Post baby blues are not restricted to the mother. Fathers too can suffer from something similar. The arrival of a baby is such a life changing event, even when longed for. In this case his wife also had an unexpected caeseran as well.

I would suggest he sees his doctor or talks to the Health Visitor or Midwife, who visits his wife. What your DS is going through is a traumatic and difficult experience and is probably as much hormonal as PBB. Get him to seek proper help.

If you don't have a baby until you are 40yrs and then have a traumatic birth the surprise would be that you can just resume work as if nothing had happened! It takes massive adjustment for everyone and you can't expect it in less than a month. Just reassure that the feelings are quite normal.

Lesley I wonder if your son just needs reassurance? Adjusting to a new baby on top of the adjustments triggered by promotion is bound to be overwhelming at times. It could just be that the picture he had in his head of being super dad is just unattainable and there is more adjusting to do. So, no, I don't think he is being selfish but as others have said struggling with balancing his work pressure and his wish to be with his family. Does he have time off over Christmas? If so that may help. Or can he have some annual leave in the New Year? It's hard for us to hear our children have worries, no matter how adult they are, but wonderful they can share those worries with us. I think they often just need to offload. A space to acknowledge fears and pressures which helps them cope. You are supporting as you can, this stage will pass. They will work it through. Try not to worry and enjoy the new life in the family. Good wishes to you all.

I think that it is good that he is talking about it- many men wouldn't. Traditionally men were just supposed to work long hours and miss most of it. The birth of a baby does change life and give you new ways of thinking about things. It is early days. Is it possible to get a better work/life balance?

Is it possible Lesley that your son is mourning the life of a couple that he and his wife once shared? And this "feeling" is just that it has finally hit home that he is now a father and part of a family. Some men find it very difficult to share their wife even if it is with their own much longed for baby. Could he be realising that their perfect life as a couple is gone forever. Also paternity leave cannot go on forever and I wonder would another week or two or 10 made any real difference? He can't be at work 24/7 and unless he is away for weeks on end will have lots of time in the future to bond with his child. It is important that he makes the most of the time they do have. Part of me is still wondering if he is a little bit jealous.

Hi Lesley! I'm so sorry that your son is facing these worries at this time that is supposed to be a time of joy. Though I agree that it's great that he feels comfortable venting to you, I'm also sorry that he's visiting these concerns on you. Especially since they are probably unfounded, he is probably a great dad.

As for those concerns, themselves, I agree with the others that they're understandable. Yes. perhaps, "the man always has to go back to work after the birth." However, today, I feel there is more expected of the man as far as childcare is involved, so I can see where some men might be as torn when they have to return to their job as many women are if/when they do. Besides, your son may be particularly attached since he did much of the care in the beginning.

So I also agree that you need to continue listening and being supportive, partly because I get what he may be going through and partly because I think arguing with him or dismissing his worries could very well backfire on you. Beware of offering advice, especially if it's of the "get over it!" variety. He has to work this out for himself.

Maybe just sounding off to you will help him do that. Also, most likely, as the baby begins to smile and laugh and so on and your son sees that he's happy, he (your son) will calm down and adjust.

Before you know it, all this will be behind you. Enjoy that baby!

Your son is a good argument in favour of more paternity leave, lesleyc. Some countries are beginning to cotton on to this.