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At what age do you cut down on money gifts for grandchildren/stepge andchildren?

(22 Posts)
Smithy Mon 14-Dec-15 12:47:07

I have a grandson still at school and also an older step grandson who are half brothers
The sgs left school with no qualifications did a couple of courses at tech college at which he just messed about and is now signed on the dole doing nothing. He spends his money on bottles of beer etc and seems to like to sleep in the afternoon. I don't think he is taking anything illegal but seems very lazy and makes as little effort as possible . He has yet to buy a small gift for anyone.
The gs at school is a very caring youngster and has for several years bought little Christmas gifts for his family (including me). He does well at school and realises he will have to study to get on. The thing is do I go on giving them both the same for Christmas (they prefer money to spend).
Some people will probably think oh its Christmas don't be mean, but I'm retired and don't have a lot and just feel a bit grudging of giving to someone who doesn't seem to care or even say thank you.
I would really appreciate any views both for and against my feeling in order to get a balanced view.
Hope you can help, thanks.

Coolgran65 Mon 14-Dec-15 13:19:03

What about no money... but an item for dsgs.
Toiletries ??

MiniMouse Mon 14-Dec-15 13:22:57

Exactly what I was thinking Coolgran65!

stillhere Mon 14-Dec-15 13:26:30

I don't worry about the ingratitude as such, I think it comes with being a teen and not being all that capable of putting themselves in others' shoes. My family have a practice of giving money until the age of 21, after that only cards, and a gift if the niece or nephew or GC is actually seen on xmas day. It works very well, as then the young adult does not feel under pressure to reciprocate, especially as they have all been broke students up until that age. They are told that if they wish to continue to receive gifts then they should send one, after that age.

jusnoneed Mon 14-Dec-15 13:42:58

I have always use 18 as the cut off age,other than my own lads. No cards or presents after that. I don't think they should expect presents when they are old enough to work and buy for themselves.

sherish Mon 14-Dec-15 14:05:23

We still give money to the youngest grandson aged 19. The eldest who is 22 we just buy a gift as the money now goes to his 2 year old and 3 month old children. The same will happen when the 19 year old DGS has children.

ninathenana Mon 14-Dec-15 14:45:58

My DGC are still only small but we agreed with our siblings that we would only buy for each others children when they first started to arrive, now instead we buy for great nieces and nephews and we will, if we are around by then, stop when they reach eighteen.
I agree with just a token present for the SGS.

PRINTMISS Mon 14-Dec-15 16:11:25

This year we are spending less on the grand-children because they are now grown up, and do not need help with gift vouchers etc. Just small pressies and that will probably be the way things will go from now on. It is difficult when they are adult and have their own tastes on things which seem to me to be astronomical in price, but then I remember £.s.d.

grannylyn65 Mon 14-Dec-15 16:15:38

I stopped giving money to GS after three monetary gifts and not even a FB thank you

He is 23 now

janeainsworth Mon 14-Dec-15 16:19:19

You don't say how old the layabout gs is.
But I think you should treat them the same. I would. My Dmil still gives money to our children, and they are in their 30's and DMiL is on quite a limited income.
It's the thought that counts - if you discriminate between them you will be seen as either punishing the layabout or rewarding the worker, and that is not what Christmas is about.

tanith Mon 14-Dec-15 16:48:21

I stop with money gifts at 18 have done the same for all 8 of them they know its just a card after that. I do give those who have partners a nice box of chocs/biscuits and the ones who are single a large selection box as I see them over the holiday it works for us.

petallus Mon 14-Dec-15 16:50:02

I still give money to the two GSs who have reached adulthood.

I think you should give both of yours the same especially as one is a stepchild and you might be seen as being influenced by that (not saying you are, just that it might be seen that way).

grannylyn65 Mon 14-Dec-15 17:17:56

As my oldest gs spends all his benefit money on illegal substances I will certainly not collude. So.

numberplease Mon 14-Dec-15 17:20:09

We started to cut down on the amount spent as soon as they were working and earning their own money. We still buy them presents, but spend more on the ones still at school.

Greyduster Mon 14-Dec-15 17:49:51

I found myself wondering this last week when enveloping some money for our two stepgrandsons; the oldest is at uni and the youngest will be going next year. We don't mind because they are nice chaps, but i think once uni is done with, we will knock it on the head. Problem is how do you broach the question of a cut off point? Our grandson is only eight, so it's going to be a long time yet before we stop giving to him - Father time will probably take the decision out of our hands!

Iam64 Mon 14-Dec-15 17:52:35

I was feeling uncomfortable about the fact I still give money to my adult grandsons (birthdays and Christmas)and gifts to my estranged daughter, until I read janeainsworth's post. Thanks Jane, your comments about punishing the layabout and rewarding the worker helped me a lot. Christmas still has a faith meaning for me and is a time of reflection as well as joy.
I'm sorry if this post hits a difficult cord for some people, don't mean it to. I have a tiny grandson as well and other than a suitable, inexpensive, rattle and poke type toy, his main gift is a high chair (to help his parents as well as provide something practical) When he's more aware of Christmas, I will try not to go over board!

Teetime Mon 14-Dec-15 17:52:40

Yes I don't buy presents once they are at work only for special occasions like engagements, weddings etc.

annodomini Mon 14-Dec-15 18:10:20

My oldest DGD is 23 and will be 24 on New Year's Eve. I usually give her a combined gift for Christmas and birthday, except for last year when she requested charms for her Pandora bracelet. I may get her a gift card that can be spent at any number of different shops. The other, younger, GC aren't having hugely expensive presents. I ask their mums for advice (dads are useless!) and shop on line for best value. Better to give them what they really want rather than set a sum and buy something that might turn out to be what they neither need nor want.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 14-Dec-15 18:15:47

I agree with ja.

Smithy Mon 14-Dec-15 18:34:16

Thanks for all the help/suggestions they are helping me a lot. The toiletry suggestion would not work as the sgs gets lots of these from the parents (who are both short of cash but that's another story!) I am now thinking of making the cut off age 21.
Thanks so much for your comments.

slimgramma Tue 05-Jan-16 01:16:53

We spent a fortune again this year on our grandsons. Four of them 7 and under. Two things were broken before they left our home! Next year each child will get four gifts.
One they want
One they need
One they can wear
One they can read! Found that in Pinterest!

M0nica Tue 05-Jan-16 12:50:47

Have you considered giving tokens; Boots, elder GS can always buy toiletries there or Smiths (magazines, Newspapers and some computer prepherals. Neither shop is licensed so it cannot be spent on alcohol.

Having said that, I would not give anything to someone who cannot be bothered to thank me for my gift and I would be quite prepared to point that out if it was noticed one GC was getting a gift and the other wasn't.

On a personal level, both GC are still at primary school. I would always give something to direct descendants, no matter what age, but a niece has just had her 18th birthday. I gave her a cheque considerably more than ther normal sum and said that from now on I will send cards but no more presents.