Nursery refusal

By the end of this week the situation has "vastly improved" although he is still a bit "mopey", according to his mum. Fingers crossed that he continues to feel more and more positive about going to nursery and starts to enjoy it again.

Thanks again for all your suggestions - it's good to have them just in case...

A couple of thoughts come to mind from my own experience although I didn't have a reluctant child. I used to drop mine at playgroup and tell him whatever boring thing I was going to be doing that morning and how much I was looking forward to seeing him when I picked him up. It might have helped him not feeling he was missing out.

We moved house and I stayed in hospital having a miscarriage. The ladies in the village took DS to nursery for DH until I arrived and then we had a rota. One child flatly refused to let me take her and eventually her grandad discovered the reason. She had heard someone say I had 'lost a baby' and was not going to let me lose her! It may be that something this little chap has heard has made him worry about leaving his family or the baby and that it will eventually come out. Children are so literal that it is easy for them to pick up the wrong message.

I don't understand "undiagnosed Down's syndrome". How can that be?

Aww... poor little guy! Please give him an extra big hug for me!

I feel for his parents, too. How hard it must be for them, having the challenges of this new baby and dealing with this problem on top of it!

And I know it's hard on you GPs, also. It's great that you're there to give him one-on-one attention - bless you all! But that means you're very close to the situation, so I know it's affecting you.

Glad that GS opened up a little to his dad and that things seemed to go better as a result. I believe GS about missing his old teacher. Each of my DDs had a favorite teacher leave in the middle of the year, at one point, and it impacted them very strongly for a while, one DD in particular.

However, I'm sure the fact that there's a new baby home with mum has something to do with it, too. He may seem to have "accepted" him. but he also seemed to "settle in well" to the new school. And he did, judging by what the teachers say, but still there was something bothering him, after all. So it wouldn't surprise me if a part of him was upset about the baby getting more attention from his mother (or so he thinks).

The fact that he's ok going to the gym class doesn't cancel that out, IMO. He probably enjoys the gym class so much that it overcomes any misgivings he has about the baby being with his mother. And he may be aware that the time at gym is much shorter.

Hopefully, he will keep talking and letting his parents know what's on his mind. (Is there any chance for family counseling?) Mostly, I just hope this keeps getting better. Actually, I'm sure it will.

Bless him, poor little lad! I do feel for tiny children who are trying to make sense of changes to their life. Dgs goes five days a week to nursery but over Christmas and New Year it was closed for two weeks. The first few days at home with mummy or daddy were fine, then he wanted to play with his friend x at nursery (which he couldn't do, x was away too) so there were a few days of grumps and tears. When it came to starting again in January he'd got used to being at home so didn't want to go to nursery (yet more tears)
Small children have little concept of time etc, so the world must seem a very confusing place sometimes.

I agree with Luckygirl, if his parents can cope. Give him time to get to know his new brother, then when he's feeling less confused, try again with the Nursery.

I think the baby is a big factor. As he isn't wanting to do some of his normal activities I wonder if he has picked up on the fact that there is something different about the baby and he worries about something happening to it if he's not there. Some children do seem to take a lot of responsibility for their siblings and have to learn that the adults can cope and they don't have to worry.

He is probably quite anxious about leaving mummy at home with new little brother, DGD1 was always very anxious to know what mummy and DGD2 had been doing at home when she was at nursery - did she think she was missing out on something?
And I know that DGS was reluctant to go to daycare for quite a while when his favourite nursery nurse moved groups.

Many thanks for all your input. To answer some of your questions. He does 3 hours x 5 days a week. His place is government funded and any reduction in hours/days or move to a child minder would mean his parents would lose that funding. He has made friends and is usually a very sociable little boy. He has frequent play dates with them and with friends who pre-date nursery. He enjoys going to a gym class once a week for half an hour where parents don't stay and there has been no hint of reluctance to go there.

My OH and I and his other grandparents have had regular contact with him since he was born and have taken him out often on his own. Since the baby's arrival he has been less keen on these outings. He also seems to have lost interest in going swimming with his dad. We, the grandparents. have also tried taking him to nursery but, on all but one occasion, he resisted as much with us as with his mum or dad.

This afternoon I heard that yesterday his mum was able to collect him without the baby. They had a(nother) chat about how unhappy he's been about going to nursery. He agreed he has friends there and teachers he likes and he volunteered the information that he misses the teacher who left. Today his dad dropped him off and it went a little better. Here's hoping...

The new head at nursery may or not be an additional factor depending on whether many changes are being made. New brooms sweeping clean can sometimes disturb both pupils and staff!

As the staff say he's mostly fine when in the nursery it might not be a help to take him out. He will need time to adjust to having a baby brother and the changed atmosphere at home may be making him reluctant to leave his parents. Most children initially upset in the morning when they arrive are happy 10 minutes later. The routine and company at nursery are a distraction and may stop him worrying about his altered home situation.

I'd always look first at how much attention he's getting where going to nursery is concerned. He may be feeling a bit left out or resentful, but might be hiding it, and has learned that he can get plenty of attention by refusing to go to nursery.
I realise it's not easy to simply say, " Okay, you don't have to go if you don't want to", but how would you feel about ignoring the protests, and delivering him to nursery with a big smile, and " have a great time"?
Another thing I notice is that the refusal has also coincided with the new head. You won't need me to tell you that children can get the strangest ideas into their heads, so maybe just a quiet chat when he's in the bath, or you're out walking or driving, or busy doing something together, can give you a clue.

If there is any way that he can simply be taken out of nursery for a while and given the chance to settle down a bit, then I would see this as the way to go - for him, of course, but it may be a problem for his parents. I do of course understand that him being in nursery some of the time might be helpful to the parents.

He may very well settle happily in school later on - pressurizing him to comply now will not help I feel. He is an unhappy little lad and needs to be treated as such - he will have his reasons, and maybe just needs a bit of breathing space.

I have come across situations where a child does not settle at nursery but responds better to a childminder - the settings are less formal and there are usually a few other children around to help him learn to socialise. Worth considering I think. My DGD goes to a child minder once a week and settles well.

Seillean - are you able to have him for short periods and give him some one to one with someone he knows? Care out of the home does not have to mean nursery - some children just do not settle to it, and it is important that his parents do not see him as "difficult" because he does not like it. There is no rule of nature that says that he should.

My DGD played hell about going to nursery after brother born. Mum's at home with the little one.
The question as to how he is once parent out of sight is an important one. I think a diary by staff is a good idea.

Lots of things may be contributing but I think the baby brother may be the key factor. I wonder how many hours/days he is doing? If he could spend some more time at home with mum and baby he may well decide it's actually very boring and want to go to nursery. It might also be good if mum could arrange to leave the baby for a little while and go to nursery with him. Has he made any friends at his new nursery? I know that sometimes it is said that they don't really play together at that age, but I think seeing friends is sometimes a real incentive to go to nursery. Do the staff keep a diary of when he is 'tearful'? It might be helpful to see if there is some sort of trigger. I wish you all the best, he will get through it but it is a harrowing time.

Is it possible that although he has accepted his brother, he's a little jealous of the time the baby spends alone with mummy. Could mummy arrange to give him some one to one time. Also the new head may have changed the way his day at nursery happens, it maybe worth querying.

He has had a lot to deal with in a very short time and he may be very confused and uncertain. When my youngest GS started going through hating nursery My S just took him away and when school start came he just fitted in and loved it. I realise this may be no help in your situation and I wish you well.