I don't love my grandchild

Nannymarg my GD1 was the most horrible, difficult, stubborn child I had ever met. She is now 6 rising 7 and you couldn't wish for a sunnier, more loving, adorable child.

Say nowt, and hope she changes for the better....most do.

I felt very comforted to read all the messages triggered off by Nannymarg's comment. I am a first-time grandmother, and I do absolutely love my granddaughter, who is just 6 months old, but she does not seem to like me! Whenever I have her she cries all the time, and is very difficult to pacify - she stops as soon as her mum appears. I know I am probably not the only person she would behave like this with, but it has quite upset me, as none of my friends seem to have had the same problems - unless they are keeping quiet about it! I had four children and know that I was a good mother, so I am quite shocked by it all. But it has been good to find that I am not the only one.

Faye, what a terrible experience! (((Hugs))) Just hope your parents treated all of you equally and that you were ok.

Sweetcakes, how awful that MIL favors her GS. People may not be able to help having a favorite in their heart, but they can help how the act!

Louie, do you know why DD wants you to take both kids together? Is is so she can get a break? Or cuz one gets jealous when the other gets to go? Maybe you can take them both for just a few hours, now and then (besides for swimming)? When there's an overnight, DD may just have to make other arrangements for the child who's not going.

I agree with Blucat that she should be able to understand your problem. It may scare her, but she needs to face reality. Be gentle but be clear.

How do you get on with him when he visits you Summermary ?

My daughter lives at home still with her nearly six son. He has adhd. Her exes mother sees grandson once a week and when he returns his behaviour is bad. He back chats, makes constant comments like he has far more adventures with her. She has zero respect for my daughter, won't stick to grandsons routines and does stuff like promising him she will take him on holiday before asking my daughter. Last time my daughter said no and even when they got back they showed him what he'd missed on the Internet. Cruel. If my daughter says he's busy one weekend they threaten Court. It is so hard getting grandson on an even keel when everything gets messed up by these visits. Grandsons dad took job away two years ago and reappears irregularly. Any ideas ladies please?

Oh yes bonji I had that too-oh well you've only got girls! Grrrr! My MIL had two boys and 4 girls-she said she could have reared 6 boys with one arm tied behind her back but the girls were v demanding. She said you just fed the boys and off they went to play and turn up for the next meal but the girls were a different kettle of fish-I have to say her 4 daughters-my sisters-in-law-were/are pains in the bum.
We only keep contact with the brother (in Oz) and one sister here, the others are just such troublemakers. So, as others have said elsewhere, if you wouldn't choose them as friends leave them be.
But I love all my DGC from the minute I clapped eyes on them. I had the privilege to be present at the births of two of them.
The older (local) four said they thought the youngest DGD miles away is my favourite! I jumped on that straightaway! I said it took more effort to keep in touch with her from a distance-isn't Facebook wonderful-so when we go to see her, as often as we can, she knows us instantly.
Also we had the opposite to others in that we were used to girls, I had only one sister, DH 4, we had two DDs then first 2DGDs and the -oh bliss oh joy-our only DGS! He is such fun and SO different, we have such pleasure with them all in their different ways and make sure they all know we love them all.

I may be getting this wrong Nannymarge53 but like some of the others do think that after having only sons this is because you have a GD not a GS. Your comment was that you found it hard to love your GD when she was first born so this could not have been because of her behaviour. I have 2 lovely daughters who have given us such pleasure and of whom we are very proud. When they were growing up I was often made to feel inferior by other mothers who had only sons. This made me very angry for as women surely we should be trying achieve equality. However it did make me appreciate my girls even more. I feel that little girls behave as they do as they have a lot of pressure on them to compete with boys who still seem to be the favourites in most families and this usually continues when they become adults. From the comments on this forum most of you feel that little girls are more difficult than little boys but could this be because of how we react to them? Girls deserve to be loved as much as boys but it seems harder for them to get this love which must have an effect on their behaviour.

I bonded with my GCs at different stages. When i look at the photos from the time when they were babies I can see a photo and know it was a THEN. That was when I fell in love with her/him. Love grows and I noticed only the other day that DD2 is beginning to really like (love perhaps) the son of her sister. Now he is 14 he is suddenly so warm hearted and pleasant.
I expected to love them on seeing them after they were born but I needed time and then there is the question of having a favourite. Has anyone on GN approached this loaded subject?

As the youngest in my extended family I had never had anything to do with babies until my 1st DD arrived. I felt no rush of unconditional love when she was born (hormones or not), in fact I was absolutely terrified of her. Breast feeding was a painful nightmare, she would not take a bottle either and she hardly slept, day or night, crying endlessly. After a month or so I discovered that a bath would always calm her and that she was very happy to chew on fruit, veg and Bikkypegs. She was the cleanest, earliest weaned baby ever, who chuckled and smiled. I fell in love with her hook, line and sinker.

I think I loved DD2 before she was born, talking, singing to and stroking the bump. When she arrived it was as if I had known her forever and it has been much the same with my 2 DGDs. Must admit my GrandSON came as a bit of a shock and took a bit of getting used to (no one warned me that boys will pee in your face the minute you take their nappy off) but he is the most cuddly and loving of the 3.

I reckon that 'love grows' and expands to fit in as many DC or DGC as you have.

I definitely had hormonal surges when my grandchildren were born, much more so than when my own children were. . I was not expecting to feel anywhere near as emotional as I did.
I have been looking after 2 of them during half term (term time I only have one) They have at times both been horrendously behaved and have had me near to tears more than once, pretty much every day. Let me tell you, I have not liked them much at all.
Now they have left for the day, overwhelming love has been resumed!

Good post Newquay they won't be begging to come and see us when they are 14.We have to enjoy them here and now, but have limits because of our own health.
There is no law that says we have to love anybody ( though it helps to love DH at the time of the wedding )
We love our GDC but not as much as we did our own children.

A 3 year old will have only just left behind the terrible twos so she will improve. I adore my DGC but have to admit at times they drive me bonkers. Fortunately 4 of them live nearby so we can see them in short bursts-it's lovely to see them and even lovelier to see them go!
And you have to remember that in a few years time you virtually have to make appointments to see them once they're teenagers/students and, quite properly, more independent.
We decided to make a point of having the teenagers round (separately) for a meal once a week at their convenience. They then began asking what we were cooking! Lol! Anything you want was the reply-just come!

Oh I so feel for you. In situations like this our normal instinct is to back away. But, in actual fact, the opposite is needed. Maybe you can have you GD to stay for a while? You may be able to get to know her more, and maybe through play she can tell you how she's feeling and what she is thinking. Maybe there's stuff going on at home that you are unaware of. Maybe have her over (just you and her) for regular periods. All relationships take work, it doesn't happy naturally.

MY DH always moans that the GC show how much they love me and are not too fussed on him. But I've told him time and time again, it's about effort as you'll only get out what you put in. It takes work (and sometimes you really don't feel like it) but it's so worth it in the end.

Give her and yourself a chance and stop being hard on yourself. You are human, you are allowed your feelings. Sending you a hug xxx

2 of my GC live close by and the 3rd miles away so I dont get to see him much. He is 3 and very hard to manage. I adore him regardless and blame the parents. After all he only behaves the way he is taught. 3 days with me and he is much calmer , perhaps a coincidence! P.S I love his parents too but they are old enough to take care of themselves.

I agree about the hormonal surge after birth - very powerful indeed. However, I don't think it's really responsible for the deep love you can feel for a child. If it was, dads would have difficulty loving their kids, to say nothing of grandparents, adoptive parents, etc. It's not hard to understand why mums fall in love with their babies but a bit more complicated when it comes to men and their children, and even more difficult where other generations are concerned.

I'm sure I got hormonal when the first GS was born! So tearful! Feelings in turmoil!

tina21 - I truly felt that hormonal surge when each GC was born- very strong.

Louieandlottie, it shouldn't be hard for your DD to understand that your difficulty with caring for 2 young children is health- related. If she really doesn't get it, maybe you need to sit down with her and spell it out. Sometimes we don't want to face the fact that our parents aren't as strong as they used to be, because it scares us. Maybe that is why your DD wants to ignore the fact that, at the moment, you've only got the energy to cope with one GC at a time.

Nannymarg, if you've felt that you didn't love her since she was born, then presumably it isn't just a case of not liking her current behaviour. I don't honestly know what you can do about that - you can't force yourself to love someone - it is just very sad for both of you. I haven't experienced this myself but one of my SiLs was aware, when very small, that his maternal grandmother loved his brother but not him. It hurt him deeply when he was little but he just shrugs his shoulders about it now. Unfortunately, he never did develop a deep bond with his gran, who died when he was in his teens. Maybe if she had been more honest with herself about her feelings, as you are, things could have been different.

As for the little girl's behaviour, most children seem to go through phases when they are a pain in the neck. My smallest DGD, who is 4, is going through a tantrum phase at the moment! It won't last forever. If I was you, I'd refrain from saying anything to her mum and dad (never seems to make things better!), hang on for the behaviour to change and focus on what you like about your DGD, rather than what you don't. Easier said than done, I know.

I can understand your feelings Grannymarg. In my case it wasn't a question of their behaviour. When my first 2 grandsons were born to my daughter I thought I loved them, but never as much as my own children. Over the years I felt I was holding back a bit because they don't live in this country and I didn't want to get too emotional. I did see them as soon as they were born and manage to visit a couple of times a year. They are lovely boys and I like them a lot, maybe it is love in a way. As soon as my third grandson was born to my son and DiL I had an absolute rush of love for him and can't get enough of him! I don't think it's because he is my son's because I was always closer to my daughter. It does make me feel guilty, but I have realised we can't legislate for our feelings. Maybe if the latest grandson becomes a terror I will go off him!

Hi. Can anyone help. I have two grandkids one 6 and one 3. I formed a bond with the eldest but had cancer when the youngest was born so didn't see her very much. I am only just getting to know her. I'm still not great with health but love having them on their own as I have a different relationship with both. The dilemma is my daughter wants me to have them both together and I like seeing them singly as its tiring with both especially overnight. I do take them swimming together. How do I get my daughter to understand this?

I think that part of the problem is that we expected to love our Grandchildren unconditionally as we did our children. The unconditional love of our children starts at birth when we are totally hormone driven.

With Grandchildren we don't have that hormonal surge.

I have a Gransdon who is being brought up in a way that is totally alien to me. His home life is dictated by his father who has allowed him access to completely inappropriate materials (violent videos, games etc) and who seems to believe that a constant stream of the latest gadgets is the way to impress. As this is totally alien to my philosophy I find it difficult to relate to the child.

My other two Grandchildren are being brought up in a financially much poorer household, but they are the richer for it.

I think the point about not liking the behaviour is a very valid one. I think we would all agree there were times we didn't like our own kids very much

I do sympathise. I adore my all GC but I do find the girls very difficult. I had boys.
The boys are great- I know how to deal with boys but the 2 girls are different creatures altogether. They seem to want 100% of your attention 100% of the time & rarely manage to amuse themselves or get 'lost' in a game as the boys do.I have to say that the elder one WAS very difficult from 6 months on. I've never seen tantrums like it! It wasn't helped by DIL allowing all the bad behaviour but then one day she admitted to me that she found it really difficult too & was at the end of her tether. I thought it was only me. She was fine at school.Now she is 9 & is much better ( the lull before the storm of teenage years I expect) but the little one ( my other son's child)is getting just the same so I assume it is a 'girl' thing. She was lovely until she hit 3.
I do really love them but I find it hard to like them sometimes. Luckily they know Grandma is not for turning & bad behaviour gets them nowhere. They still try it on though. Still I expect I will miss it all when they hit the teenage years & don't want or need to come & stay with Grandma any more so I guess we just have to get through it. Keep calm & hit the gin when they have gone to bed!!

I used to think the same about my older grandsons, now 15 and 10, but put that down to not seeing them very often. They both had problems, or so I thought, and then realised that it was probably their parents who had created the problems. They have just returned home after a short stay with me and they were both lovely (apart from messing up my laptop - which the older one was able to fix!) and we had a great time together. They live in the country and their idea of a great day out was to travel on buses - we managed a double decker (top front seat), a single decker and two bendy buses. They want to know when they can come again.
I can remember another GD having terrible tantrums when she was younger, usually in front of CCTV cameras with me forcibly trying to get her back in to her buggy. Fun times but she is an absolute delight now, aged 7. Love her to bits.
They usually do improve as they get older, so take heart!

Every generation has different ideas on how to raise their children. You have had the opportunity to raise your kids, now it's their turn. You won't and don't have to like what they are doing but if you want them in you life, you have to go along with it. It can be difficult to instill discipline without breaking GD's spirit, some kids are more willful than others and this may stand her in good stead when she is older and finding her way in the world. I find that just being supportive and keeping my mouth shut aids the process. Try to enjoy the good times with your GD and let her parents deal with the bad.

Nannymarg its ok. You are not alone in your feelings. At the end of the day all children are highly individual eliciting different responses from parents and extended family alike. Your relationship will change over the years as the child's needs change.

I would also echo some of the advice already given about keeping quiet and biting your lip. This is hard as we both know (I also was an RHV for many years)