I don't love my grandchild

Poor child! From your description nobody would find it easy to love her, as her mother is bringing her up quite wrongly in my opinion.

I feel that in order to love a child you need to be with her quite frequently. Perhaps the real problem here is not so much your granddaughter as the distance involved and the fact that you find the child's mother difficult to like?

I love all three grandsons with every being in my body. However, I will say that the 2-3 age group is horrendous. My gs is 3 going on 4 and oh boy when they come to stay, I also am glad they are going home, so that my dh and I can have some peace haha. Hope you don't beat yourself up about your feelings toward your gd. x

All but the most blindly doting of grandparents feel like you do at some time

Say absolutely nothing

The children change all the time, especially after they start school, and can grow into the most delightful of children.

Grandparenting can be strange. My eldest GD, now nearly 15, who is my eldest DD’s child was consumed by her paternal GP’s from birth and I felt pushed out. She is their only GC. I don’t have a very close bond with her. Next up was DS and his two children now 9 and 7. I felt very close to them but they were an hour away and then they moved abroad where they still are, years ago. I was heartbroken at the time but after a long while even they seem to be more distant. DGD from DD2 aged 2, I have seen at least twice a week from birth. I have a very close relationship with her and love her as much as I did my own children.

I have written previously on a GN forum about love and g.children. I absolutely loved all my children, to the exclusion of everything else. Even when they drove me mad in teenage years, I could never stop that total love.
I was never particularly keen on having g.children. As my children grew into adults I discovered a wonderful new world with them, when they paired up with wives, husbands, partners, I dropped down the pecking order with them. I knew that children would push me down even further.
However, all my g.children were planned and wanted babies, No....I never did have any rush of love for any them.
But they made my children happy and anything that does that is good with me. So, I work hard at extending the bubble of love with which I surround my children to go out around their children. The only one of these I have ever felt any sincere affection for was the one that I had a large part in her upbringing.
I now have eight g.children aged between 8 yrs and 20 yrs. One I actively dislike due to her bad behavior - but would never mention this to her parents, or treat her any different.

But...NO .....I never have been and never will be one of those people who say that their g.children are so much better than their own children.

Love is a weird emotion. I didn't even get the whoosh love effect when my children were born. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have let anything happen to them or let anyone take them away but I didn't feel love until I got to know them and I think it was because I was with them 24/7. I've not got the same link with my grandchildren. Again I wouldn't let anything happen to them or anyone take them away but I don't feel a massive love bond with them although the attachment is greater than that with other children I know so there must be something extra there.

I think you expected far too much in the first place Nannymarg53.

Of course we don't get the 'rush of unconditional love' some people have with their own babies (I didn't anyway).

The grandchild is not 'ours' but belongs to the parents. We seldom agree entirely with their child rearing methods.

We should be wise enough to avoid advising or interfering, though. We let them do it their way.

I do love my children and grandchildren. Often I dislike their behaviour - but that's life - so I try to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself (when I'm with them)!

Yes.... so true.... there is the belief that we should automatically live them because it the GChild...
I do feel terrible because I have never ever been able to take to the second born GD..
I try so hard... but I watch her manipulate her mother father ( both can see no wrong)...
the eldest daughter gets the blame for everything down to being told to get off a chair because little miss wants it!! And wants it NOW Even though they are identical.
Unfortunately the youngest a bit .z is also the golden haired son and I can see that heading the same way.x
Oh dear I feel rotten about feeling like this...
I had the 6 of them and sometimes I have to bite my tongue when these kids.. in particular middle GD.. is screaming and kicking...
I soo want to say to my daughter you are enabling it...
And not one of you children spoke in that demanding immediate attention ... or else deteriorating behaviour descending. you wouldn’t even dream if it...you Were well behaved especially in other homes
I feel really upset about this

Hi ... I am feeling you here....
I have just had My 3 grandees here with their parents over the weekend...
I hate to say this but I’m relieved to see them go...
The second girl .. I’m so sorry to say .. grates on my nerves... bratty and manipulative ... she plays her parents. Whinging and wining even though she MAY have a toy in each hand or more food in each hand
Tantrum if if her older sister has got something regardless of it being the same... screeching until her mother(my daughter) asks the older daughter to just give it to her...
I could go on and on... she ixx Sc 5 but has always been the same
She is very sneaky and will look at you very knowingly..
it’s absolutely behavioural...
I am quite astounded by my Daughter not being able to see this..
in my own home it is sooo difficult... I have to take myself away as I don’t want to say something and damage my relationship with D and Gkids..
If I am totally honest... I don’t enjoy them at all
I feel they are totally over indulged.. because the more they get... the more they want after they have lost .. shattered and broken the thoughtful gifts which they have been given
I don’t want to feel like this ... but I get sick in the stomach when they are coming to visit .. I am uptight and saddened

Thanks Grannymarg for starting this conversation. Just spent a wakeful night, chewing my nails, worrying about my grandson’s tantrums and how my daughter was handling this awful behaviour. After reading all the comments and advice, I could finally sleep. My husband and I do not agree with her approach to discipline but know how hard it is to keep quiet and the repercussions of offering advice. Do we ever!
Thanks again.

Why do you think you should have had a rush of "unconditional love" when she was born, replicating the feelings you had for your own children?

The original post is four years old! Hopefully all is ok now the GD will be 7 years old.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

The love I feel for my grandchildren is totally different to my children. I do love my children more I think, but that’s because they are just me and my husband. There’s more in the mix with grandchildren. Also....hate to say it, but I am closer to my daughters children than my sons. I love them all the same, but have always felt conscious of not imposing on my DIL’s decisions. My daughters are different. I even carried my granddaughters eggs from my daughters! Both my DIL’s are lovely, but it’s still different. Your DIL sounds.....challenging, and with your geographical distance, I’m not surprised you feel like this. Methods of discipline these days are certainly not what they were. Everything is about being ‘child led’. It’s no wonder our society is so dysfunctional for so many people.

It sounds to me as if the issue here is that you dislike your DIL more.

You disagree with your DIL's style of bringing up the child, but that's not your business, it's for your son and his wife to work out.

All the qualifications and experience you've got count for nothing in this situation.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chalkhills I was terrified of being alone in my bedroom when a child. Maybe your grandson has some worries or problems that make him not want to be on his own.

Elizabeth52 if you look back in gransnet you will hear many others saying the same thing as you. My DGD couldn't stand the sight of me and would scream blue murder if left in the same room as me. By 18 months things were better. By 2 we got on ok by 3 I was the person she wanted to sit with and play with all the time. Patience is all you need. It may be tough as we all want to cuddle our grandchildren but sometimes you have to wait for them to come to you. Don't take it personally.

I wouldn't say anything directly criticising the way they are bringing him up. Try talking sympathetically about how very tiring it must be having such disturbed nights and try and get into a conversation about things that might help.

GS1 is fine about going to bed, but went on getting into his parents' bed for a long time. His three year old brother is still often swapping places with a parent.

I think my daughter and son-in-law have spoilt their only child, a boy, and his behaviour is getting worse and worse. Bedtimes are a nightmare of screaming and frustration for hours and one of them has to stay with him until he falls asleep - he is now 7!! At some point in the night he climbs into their bed and then one of them goes into his bed for the rest of the night. I love my grandson dearly but think this is absolute nonsense but neither of them shows a will to really address the problem. Should I say something? I am concerned they are building up even more problems for the future.

I have 2gs and2gds I don't think girls are more challenging at all I love them all equally sometimes I don't like them . I do find though there behaviour is better when mand dad ain't there . I had son and daughter and did find son more challenging at times !!

When my GD was born, I visited her in hospital with her other gran and grampa. They were very emotional and obviously fell in love with her at first sight. I just found myself staring at her in confusion, wondering what this tiny pink thing was all about. We all react differently.
As for your GD's behaviour, I wouldn't worry about it. If you get the chance to have her on your own for sleepovers or whatever, you will probably see a different child. My GD is 3 now and she is good as gold when she is with me, but rather naughty when Mum or Dad arrive. She just has a different relationship with them, but they must be doing something right because she knows perfectly well how to be nice when she is with others.
I do love her very much now, but I didn't get that rush of love at first. Keep your thoughts to yourself as things will change for you and your GD as she grows.

Thank you JudthePud - I sort of know that but it is difficult to believe when she is with me. But comforting to hear what you say.

Elizabeth babies of 6 months don't like or dislike people. They haven't yet developed that discernment. But your GD's behaviour is probably separation anxiety which is common in children between 6 and 18 months. My GD2 was very shy at that age and found different faces too overwhelming. She still is quite a shy little thing but at 5 is much more outgoing. Preschool and school have helped her come out of her shell and she is a lovely child now!

I love all my GC but I quite often don't like 'em! All this negotiating that goes on now, it only makes them worse IMHO. Whatever happened to the 'firm boundaries' we were always told we must set for our kids? I see some very flexible boundaries........

I always think that we expect too much of little ones - there behaviour can be a pain, but they are hardly born really when you think about it - so much to learn, so many social niceties to absorb - I think we need to cut them a bit of slack!