Grandchild not allowed to visit my home

I think that this is only a problem if you make it one. Your son is not stopping you from seeing your grandson only from him coming to your home and that is his choice. I only see my grandson at his home because I have a large dog and it is more convenient for all concerned if I visit them. My grandson is 20 months old and we are developing a lovely relationship which is not in any way hampered by where I see him. My dil parents however receive visits at their home because it is a bungalow and they are unable to manage the stairs at my sons home. I am not in any way envious of his visits to other peoples houses. I believe that I am only a small part of his social network and feel that he needs lots of people in his life that love and care for him.

I hope you can reach some resolution to your feelings on this issue.

I don't think any explanation is required. Desired, no doubt, but not required. It could be a 'polite' way of your son avoiding having a rant at you and your partner about lots of other irritating things that he doesn't want his child exposed to.

I think you should just accept what he has said and continue to see your grandchild at places other than your house. After all, it's seeing the grandchild that's the important bit, not where this takes place.

You will do what you like, of course. I'm only expressing an opinion.

Scarlet this is just awful for you . The world has gone mad with the overkill on smoking (I am a non smoker btw) . If your hubby smokes outside then that is enough . It all seems like an excuse to me but do as others have said and see him at their house while you still can . Have a quiet word with your son to try to find out the real reason for his behaviour towards the people who brought him up !

There are worse things in life than smoking - domestic abuse, murder, bigotry are just a few that spring to mind. Probably the only thing to do is to accept the conditions and hope that it eases off as everyone realise that the world is a dangerous place and that the bus driver may have a cigarette, a teacher or even (just check the smoking shelter at your local hospital) doctors and nurses.

This must be very hurtful. You are hearing that your home, which is scrupulously clean, is not "good enough" for your son, even though it has been perfectly acceptable to him in the past.

I personally think that the "third hand smoke" issue is something of a red herring. And using his child's welfare as a reason not to visit is, imho, an easy excuse, and a lazy one. Of course everyone wants their child's interests to take priority, and the third hand smoke argument is an easy one to trot out (even if there is no PROVEN danger).

He owes you an explanation, yes, simply out of respect for you.

If a satisfactory answer is not forthcoming, then it's up to you to decide how best to move forward, and what compromises, if any, you are willing to make. But he has to meet you halfway. At the moment he has the penny and the bun, and he's holding you to ransom.

Good luck .

Hi I have decided to speak to my son and tell him that Anything he decided is best for his son is not under question. However I think he owes it to me to be honest and give me guide lines rather than drop it in to a conversation when I am visiting.
I need to know stuff like if I bake a gluten free loaf or cakes at home will it be okay or will they binned
What about gifts etc would they prefer if they weren't in my house as I can have them delivered. And I think to say maybe in the future it might be okay is don't say it if things are to be reviewed give a time frame even if it is 5yrs.
I would have liked to had this as a conversation so I knew what to expect and ask question, rather than hints.

I agree Deedaa it does seem over the top.

My mother was the same. On her last visit to hospital she sat on the hospital bed, in the ward and lit up! Next to the oxygen! Stupid woman. She has been a smoker from being 13, 63 years, and an alcoholic most of her life. She is poorly but still going. My dad, non smoker, non drinker, looked after himself, went to the gym etc, died 6 weeks ago, same age as my mother. It doesn't make sense. Now I believe that if you are going to get something, you are going to get it no matter what.

I know we all want to protect our children but what does this couple do when they go out and there are car fumes about? Prams these days are a lot lower than the coach built I had for mine and so they are closer to the floor and to exhaust fumes. Have they considered that, because they are very dangerous and even more so to tiny lungs.

I think your son is a going over the top with this. Obviously smoking is a danger but we must all be exposed to third hand smoke everywhere we go. But it's his decision so it looks as if you'll have to live with it.

Having lived with my chainsmoking father for thirty years I think trying to talk someone into stopping is a non starter. During the four months he spent in hospital before he died from several smoking related conditions his only thought was when could he get home and have a cigarette!

I certainly wouldn't want to spend that much time cleaning. Especially cleaning books (it would be like the Forth Road Bridge in this house, which feels like it when cleaning at the best of times anyway).

scarlet nag your DH into the ground to stop smoking well, I would too, and I would be marching him off to the GP for his own health.

I do feel sympathy, scarlet because, from your OP, you seem to be piggy-in-the-middle between two stubborn males.
Visit you GCs on your own that is a very good suggestion from Jane10 - is it so important to have them come to you?
and yes, recognising that your son and wife will have their own ideas about how to bring up their child.

A son's a son till he takes a wife.

Stop the cleaning !!! get together with your husband and plan good times together. You are luckier than some people who don't see their GC at all or rarely due to circumstances. Put it behind you and let them have their rules, it is their choice. How do they protect the child from all the other harmfull elements out there. Danger from touching / sitting /smelling / contact with strangers etc. I agree that your excessive cleaning should be concerning you more.

Thank you every one.

Oh! Sorry ja.

My son won't bring his children to my house as HE's scared of our dog! No problem - I can go to his house & stay (it's a 1/2 days travel away) and I go to my daughter's when they come to the island and stay with her. I dint think it affects my relationship with my gc at all. Why worry?

Sorry jingl. We could do with a tongue -in-cheek emoticon.

I don't think anyone has been judgemental, Scarlet.
If you post a dilemma you must expect comments.
There is that thing of accepting things that you can't change and you've been given sensible advice, ie to accept what your son says and see your grandson at places other than your own house.
It's not actually about the smoking, it's about recognising that your son is now a father and respecting the decisions he makes about his own child.

I can understand how unfair it must feel. It probably is totally unfair. But young dads these days do seem to have very fixed ideas.

I don't know what else to advise.

the not he

Well then ja, I took it totally he wrong way. Scrap everything I said.

It is and I am sorry, its just that a lot of people have been very judgmental and don't understand it won't matter if we quit our home furnishings have been exposed in the past. I can't see a way forward and I can't express how unfair this feels. I don't judge people on what they may have done and I am not sure what is right or an imposition.

It's 1 thing saying alcohol is bad for your health but children don't drink it, nor is there 100s of chemicals coming from its smoke.
Fatty foods are bad for you, but everything in moderation.
Fatty foods don't leave 70% of cancer causing chemicals on clothes/fabric.
Smoke does, 2nd and 3rd hand.

'It is interesting to see how many people think it is okay to tell others what they should do.'
That should apply to your husband and your son.

Smoking is played up ALOT by medical staff especially when pregnant and babies are involved, midwife app and health visitors. It's written in your medical notes etc. It's their first child so they have took everything what the midwife has advised.

What your son has said is normal procedure and normal advice the midwife has said, I can vouch for this as my daughter is 2 and had exactly the same. He isn't being awkward or looking for excuses it's what he's been advised.

I was abit at what was being asked and said i didnt know if my MIL would do that and she said 'then tell her she cant hold the baby' in front of my husband!
She said that your priority is the baby and their health, everyone should be on the same page regarding that.

You can't scrub your DH. Smokers smell. They just exude smoke no matter how much they may think they don't. Visit you GCs on your own. It'll be a nice break from all that cleaning!

... well in her own home. If it tears her apart ... then...

Would it be fair to make a request that people make it clear if they just want to rant a bit, and not get feed back then ;)

gj the OP hasn't been stopped from seeing her grandson.
jingl The OP wasn't a request for advice. It was a general moan

I thought your OP was a request for advice!