exhausted DD and clingy babies

I was another fan of Penelope Leach in the late 1980's. I breast fed our five for fifteen months to three years . Only one stopped before two and he seemed to choose to.

Honestly attachment parenting doesn't create clingy children. My two grandsons were walking at 9 months and couldn't wait to get off on their own doing things.I looked after them during the week from the age of 6 months and they were quite happy to accept me rather than DD

I think they will grow out of the clingyness soon.

dd used to scream when I returned in protest at me being away. she grew out of it. it is a normal part of child development.

breast feeding at 18 months is still well within the WHO guidelines.

making meals is a good idea.

taking the children while mum sleep s is a good idea.

what does your dd say about the dcs' dad. she will be a better judge of whether he is a lazy so and so or is not well.

I think the question is whether or not the parent(s) is/are coping. If the whole AP thing isn't working out, because the parent(s) is/are exhausted and therefore needing help to spread the load, then it is time to look at a different way of doing things.

Both my DDs use this type of parenting, although DD2 says she now prefers 'respectful' parenting.
All I can see are two exhausted mum's. DD1 has a 5mth old & a 5yr old. The oldest was moved into his own room (after all his yrs of co-sleeping) then school all at the same time when the new baby came. All I know of AP is that it has caused me upset for my daughter & GS. My poor little GS feels neglected & missing the closeness of his mummy. Now hes not wanting to leave his mummy to go to school. It's a cause of worry but I support DD any way I can.

There is nothing new about (and nothing wrong with) attachment parenting. It's just another of those things that's been given a new name for a new century. I think I did it (guided by Penelope Leach) in the 1980s just because it felt right instinctively then. Like anything, it can be taken to extremes, but the theory behind it is sound and the methods not exactly revolutionary. There is no one way to bring up children, and just because we've been around a while it doesn't mean we're always right. I wouldn't dream of telling my DD or DIL how to bring up their children but I would try to offer support in any way I could, which is what I think the OP is trying to do

"If you want your 35 year old children to remain living with you and having all their needs catered for then carry on. "

I don't think we can rule out the idea that this is exactly what some parents do want - it is the letting go that is the biggest parenting challenge.

Attachment parenting could make the children dependent on the mother far longer than is healthy. We all know people who do absolutely everything for DC and then seem surprised when they are loathe to leave the family home. If you want your 35 year old children to remain living with you and having all their needs catered for then carry on. My DC left home to go to university and never returned to the family home, except for visits, that is the natural order of life. You make your DC independent and your job is done.

Just occurred to me that I didn't actually offer any advice, but I wonder if the OP couldn't ask exactly what her DD would want her to do. I told my DIL that I would be available to help any time I wasn't booked to do something else and she did ring me a couple of times after a bad night and I went and took over whilst she slept. As far as misbehaving children goes, my own, even when they were much older, behaved badly when I arrived after my parents had been minding them.I think it's quite natural. Partly to do with 'how could you leave me?" and partly "I'm having fun here and you're going to stop it". If you are feeling a bit low as a mum it does get to you a bit when someone says something like "They were so good until you turned up!"

I don't think attachment parenting is a good idea. Why deliberately make a child clingy? Is it designed to to make the mother feel more important in the child's life than anyone else when she actually already is??

Surely life is about nurturing and caring and teaching your child to stand on it's own two feet and be secure in the knowledge that it is loved, rather than creating a situation where nobody else can possibly be as good as one parent?

It seems stifling to me. Another silly fad.

"Attachment parenting" has many positive elements, where it is applied with some sense of balance. The lady posting on Mumsnet had interpreted it as meaning that it should just be the 3 of them doing the caring and that wider family should be excluded. Hopefully she will shift her position once the babe is born and they have a few weeks experience under their belt. But she is being very noisily dogmatic and backing down might be difficult.

MY DGS aged one was with us yesterday and he loves to cuddle up to his grandpa - believe me that is far more therapeutic than all his drugs for his PD! - we ought to be able to prescribe him on the NHS!

Granny knot. My point was that people find it normal for toddlers to drink from a bottle and in public at 18 months but not have a breast feed at 18 months especially not in public. This is not critisism of bottle feeding but highlighting attitudes to beast feeding the more natural way to feed a human baby.

I love cuddling babies Trisher Especially when there are no other demands on my time! I love their smell.

Not at all Trisher it is a wonderful thing. Wish I had a baby to cuddle but my grandchildren are now toddlers and although they enjoy a cuddle, on the whole they want to go off and play.

My GCs both slept in a sling and the 18 month old still does occasionally. He isn't clingy-very independent and outgoing. He is very affectionate and loves cuddles. When he was a baby I did go over and take care of him whilst DIL had a couple of hours sleep and when he slept I cuddled him. My own were cuddled and sung to sleep. Am I the only person who thinks cuddling and holding a baby is actually very pleasurable ?

Anyone who has a DD who is still breastfeeding an older child during the night should warn her that the high sugar levels in breast milk can cause tooth decay. My DD was appalled when she found her second child had a spot of decay and the dentist advised her to stop the night feeds at once. It didn't happen with the first one because she didn't feed him for so long.

She wore both her babies till they could walk - which they both did very early. Neither of them turned into clingy children and it certainly didn't make them think they are the centre of the universe.

What happens when the grandmother too becomes exhausted?!

If an 18 month old needs a drink, the modern "sippy cups" designs are excellent.

My grandson is 2. He absolutely flourished on formula (his mum couldn't breastfeed him).

"Smug remarks" I think there have been a few on this thread let alone on mumsnet. How many of you had twins and a 2 year old as this mother had when the twins were born and trying to cope without help. Not easy.

As Tigerlily said having your children near you is natural. I don't think our children who were raised by the clock are so secure as many have some kind of mental health problem. I like Judthepud2's remarks.

Having twins and a 2 year old is exhausting what ever method of parenting and twins between 18 months to 3 years Is the worst time.

Farmgran making food, giving any help you can in the home and with child care is a tremendous help and things will get better with time as the children get older. Your DD will decide when she is ready to stop them feeding from her. Most children have at least one bottle if not more at some time in the day at 18 months and this is considered normal and a breast feed is much better for them.

Mr dd has 3 children.the first was very tough, he was ill for quite a long time and consequently struggled to sleep alone.My daughter said it was easier for her to sleep if he was either in bed with her or in the cot.
The second was no bother, quite well and slept in his own bed,but if his mummy went out he would go into a full on melt down until he was about 2 yrs old.no one but mummy would do.Hes grown out of it.I think he was punishing her for leaving him.
The third was a breeze except she was ill at about 2 1/2 yrs,and is now in mummy's bed and has been for the last year.my dd knows she should be in her own bed but is just too tired to do it and says no one would get any sleep.
I do what I can,loads of laundry and clearing up.i don't cook as the kids are a bit finicky and prefer mummy's food.
She says the sleep will sort itself out,and it does seem to eventually.
I hate seeing her so tired and understand where you are coming from but I have finally accepted she'll do it her way.I just help when and where I can and try not to worry,I do say Try....

Attachment parenting sounds like hell.

Totally agree Izabella. My Italian Gt. Granny had a whole tribe of children who were Co parented by the women extended family. They all lived lived in a huge old farmhouse. Baby was strapped onto mother when v tiny whilst she worked in the fields but once older, the child was in a basket on the ground and any available female took over.

DS1 was breastfed until asleep, then put in his cot, which meant that when I stopped breastfeeding he was a absolute b*gger to put to bed!

I did NOT make the same mistake with DS2, who was also breastfed but put in his cot awake!

We live and learn..........

Hi farmgran that sounds like an impossible situation and I'd be having to bite my lip if it was my daughter, or I'd be asking "So (18 months on) how is that working for you?" Partly too I'd be feeling miffed that the parenting style of choice is impacting on me, e.g. having to cook for the family. That may sound selfish but heck, where do you draw the line.

I can't remember which poster wrote this, but how can a 4 week old baby know to do breath holding? Serious question.

tigerlily13 yes you are right. Attachment parenting is centuries old with a slight difference. From an historical/anthropological perspective babies were carried and nurtured, but not just by their mothers. Many women in many societies breastfed each other's children, with whoever was nearest to a hungry infant feeding it. The same went for the caring role generally, many women looked after the children. This very sound system, providing rest and respite for biological mothers, has now evolved into a totally exhausting and often soul destroying 1:1 approach resulting in sleep deprived mothers who often have a lot less to give at the end of the day than they would wish. A brilliant system, taken out of its original context.

I would say that a happy mother who isn't sleep deprived is an advantage that outweighs anything else!
I think that you can just continue helping as much as you can and try and get her to have some time to herself while you babysit.