DIL advice

Yes don't get embroiled or take it personally. Just ignore her,she is jealous of you and may not change so do not torture yourself. Been there and have the t shirt.

High five for your husband, then, swim!

Yep, apparently she has tried this with her sister but hubby didn't get involved. She doesn't have too many close friends but her family. I'm also the first woman hubby brought home- so no one to compare to. Hubby didn't really pick up on the P/A until the cams blow up. He lost his dad when he was a teenager so I think he kinda become step in hubby for MIL- but he couldn't deny it any longer, got some help (counsellor) and now is picking up on the P/A and now sticking up for me. Before I would just take it. But I'm a mum now and don't want to live like this forever! I think it's a bad example for kids.
Hubby has written an email but the last chat we had about respect (after xmas) didn't go so well- so he's hesitant to have a repeat of that as she just doesn't listen (quite stubborn, particularly with him too).
She won't be staying in our home again. Hotels only for the future.
I don't know what she's think about the move- we tried to have a chat when she first applie for visas about expectations for grandpa renting etc, but she didn't want to chat about that and shut hubby down completely.
I think I'll go for a more formal approach and just let hubby take the lead... Initiate and maintain the relationship. I do know she thinks it's my fault, the boundaries (she said so at clad). Was disappointed and shocked hubby would stand beside me and not her.

Has your hubby not seen this side of her before? So he has no background in how to deal with it?
Maybe he could have a discussion with her on Skype, when you are not present, to explain to her how she is coming across to him and how he would like things to be. It might help her to understand that you are not the enemy.

Might she be anxious about relocating to the other side of the world? Once she is there she might relax and at least then she won't be living in your home.

If she wants to come and visit, suggest that she stays in a hotel and is only in your house when both you and your husband are there. Make the relationship formal.

I'd stop contacting her for a while. Let her do the running. After all, with anyone else that rude one would just walk away.

Passive aggression is very hard to deal with. Stay strong with your husband

Thanks so much for your replies- I appreciate your thoughts. Sometimes it's good to get a third opinion!
No, not really cultural differences.
She's from the UK, I'm in Australia- so we are more 'relaxed' about traditions etc here.
I do know that she finds it hard to relate to me, and judges my parenting.
She stayed with us for only 4 days before we blew out... She was coming for 3 weeks.
When we visit her we stay in a hotel (our choice- as her accomodation has a smaller bed, and I don't feel comfortable sleeping where I know I'm not really liked).
So we had a huge talk before she left where we kind of left things and we said we would start from scratch and out things behind us, but it seems as if she is passive aggressive and I don't really deal well with that.
Not sure what I can do. She hasn't responded to my hubbys email, though he wasn't looking for a discussion just respect and better behaviour in future.
I know he's hurting- and also getting mad that she is showing a not very nice side to her...
I hope that's answered a few of those questions.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare to be honest . I have always made it my business to get on with my DILs , it makes for a happy life especially where GC are concerned . I would not put up with being called `she` , that is just rude, your hubby should insist that she uses your name . Maybe have a talk with her and offer to draw a line and start again ? mutual respect is always a good starting point especially as she may be moving closer . Good luck !!

Is this relationship hindered by cultural differences? I live abroad for 5 - 6 months of the year, and we have part of DS & DiL's house when we are back in UK. This can cause tensions at times, but having a separate part of the house works for us, although I appreciate this is not possible for everyone. Some women just do not appreciate their DiL and feel that they have lost their sons. I am afraid there is very often nothing you can do to change the situation. If she does come over permanently then perhaps a competently different establishment may help, but don't expect too much, I am sorry to say I have a feeling she just will not change. Best wishes for the future.

I know distance! Thing is I'm so excited about my child I used to email her with weekly updates and numerous pics. Since xmas I cut it down to once a month, then she keeps offending me my hubby said to stop and now he's dealing with her only! So she misses out on her GC, or my GC misses out on Grandma (very young at the moment but when grown...) also we are sponsoring her to come over so might live close soon(ish)! I stress about this a bit as I wonder what it's going to be like if she was closer!

Oh dear ??
I have a near perfect dil, so sorry to hear of your upset. At Least she lives far away x