DIL advice

She sounds like a ghastly person, glad your husband is supportive. TF you live in another country.

Swimwithfish you sound like a lovely DIL. Ignore it all, just carry on being lovely to her, and don't let her get you down.

I had a weird MIL, loved me as a girlfriend, didn't like me as a wife, loved me when I became a mum, never spoke to me again once we separated, and eventually had nothing to do with her grandkids. And she's never met her gorgeous darling great granddaughter. So my advice comes from what I wish I'd known back then - there's no pleasing some.

Im guessing a 'Bub' is a baby?

Don’t sponsor her.

So sad that you can't have the family life that you would have liked, but it really isn't your fault. It's a good thing that the sponsorship has been withdrawn, she would have put an intolerable weight on your family,
I found my MIL quite cold and she wasn't really capable of building a relationship with my children, though she got on well with her other GC (her DD's children) who lived close to her. I did manage never to have a disagreement with her, but it was tough.
My own DIL is great, I've known her since she was 16 (she's now 40) and she is a lovely woman, a wonderful wife and mother. We don't see them all the time as they don't live close by, work full-time and are currently renovating their home.
The relationship between DIL and MIL can be very difficult though, often they behave as though they are battling for their DH/DS's affections. I think that MILs have to remember that they always have to come after their son's wife in his affections - this is normal, though many don't like it.

I can only most strongly advise you NOT to sponsor her to move to Australia. You will bitterly regret it and then there will be no escape. Visits can be endured. And you and your family keep in control. Good luck.

I am pleased to see your dh is supporting you. It isn't you. Your dh could have married the queen of Sheba and she would have been the same. You could keep gently trying but it will only cause you heartache every time you reach out. There are no answers. I know how hurt you must feel for you and your little one. I do hope someone can make her see how pointless this all is.

Blondiekins you have (accidentally I think) tagged onto an ancient thread.

If you start a new one of your own you can copy and paste your issue in under a new "title".

You will then get people answering YOU instead of the original poster.

Hope you can sort it!

Hi all
We are in quite a storm. We are the in-laws and have grandkids abroad. Every time we visit its awful to some degree or another. They live rurally otherwise I suppose we would rent an apartment. Wouldn't see as much of them if we did that though and seeing them is the whole point of our visit not to see the country they are in!
Tbh our problems with DIL began way before they got married. We find her to be rude and socially awkward. We are very gagarious people but she has had a very sheltered life and isnt very rounded. She is anti IT so doesnt interact very often via it. She homeschools and has never really had a career. However, had she been encouraged she could have been a lawyer or a headmistress or something like that because she seems to be very clever. We find her to be very controlling and inflexible. We feel as if we are staying in a bootcamp when we visit and its like walking on eggshells. She always reduces me to tears. I am a very warm, affectionate and caring person. For me it is natural to hug my GC, to recognise if they are hungry or cold and to respond. She accuses me of undermining their parenting. Tbh I had such a wonderful relationship with my 4 grandparents that I am just doing what I remember them doing to me so I am absolutely hearbroken that she cant relax about it. When one of them was 4 months old and we had returned home I was accused of making her needy because I had held her so much. Grief! surely a 4 month old is needy! They have all been bottlefed unlike my kids ( or should I say left on the floor to feed themselves from a very young age often in a draught and in just a nappy! ) whilst she makes a casserole or something. So to me it seemed natural to feed them in my arms because thats how you bond (& we only see them for 2 weeks a year!) We have observed them crying often when food has been limited because she thinks they have had enough or food is refused. It breaks my heart. My kids only ever got to the stage of not wanting anymore not crying because they weren't allowed anymore! Mealtimes are so stressful so we have often stayed in bed to avoid breakfast. Trouble with that though is that she thinks we are being rude for not appearing for breakfast at 7am! We are usually jetlagged so glad of a lie in plus as retirees we arent used to such an early breakfast! She is not an affectionate maternal kind of person. We often think she didnt really want babies - she wanted a classroom! In a nutshell we believe the children, our son and we are all victims of coercive control. Our son is being turned against us, his siblings and indeed his upbringing. He had a very expensive education and has a fantatic well paid job which she is benefitting from! yet he is now dismissive and derogatory of it which we find to be so disrespectful and hurtful.
Also in this day and age of whatsap we text to stay in touch. Without any agenda we will either text her or him or them as a couple. She sometimes takes days to respond to a question so sometimes we just text him instead as hes much more responsive. We also had a family group with his siblings and partners but she left that. Now they have both left it. She isnt a good communicator in that kind of a way. We are trying to have a relationship with them individually and as a unit but she now is accusing us of trying to undermine their marriage by sending them separate messages! Why can't we talk individually to our son and why on earth is he taken in by her objections. We ask stuff about whats going on with them which we think is normal in families and cant understand her secretiveness. She doesnt even like us to tell them news from the extended family but insistes that only those whose news it is should share it. Thats never been how our family has operated even down the generations! We call a spade a spade and are open and honest.
We think the fact that our son may have at some point questioned some of the things we have said or done which is the opposite to her way of thinking must also have led her to think that we are undermining their marriage because all of a sudden she is being challenged to some degree? I can only think of things relating to childcare like addressing the babies warmth or something like that as we are hardly even there!
We are emotionally exhausted and heartbroken by their behaviour. We feel unable to visit them again. We love and miss our GC and they love and miss us.
They are sending very hurtful emails and dismissing everything in our replies accepting no blame whatsoever. We have apologised for some things but stressed nothing has been intentional but they dismiss that too. We feel unable to reply to anymore as its making no difference. We are at a loss how to proceed with thousands of miles between us.
In a nutshell its the coersive control thats the problem. She doesnt like to be challenged. If the kids were at school it would probably be picked up that their reading and speech are way behind where it should be for their ages. Also we are suspicious one of them may be a bit autistic so thats not going to be picked up either! Actually I dont think she could cope with any school teacher having an opinion about her childs education. She has to be in control! They have no conversation, no opinions of their own when asked and dont socialise very much. On zoom she supervises all conversations and tells them what to say! We have never had the chance to simply sit down and chat with them. She says "tell Nana that you love her" so you get a regimented I love you Nana. Its ridiculous and very concerning. We feel powerless and feel we are being undermined as grandparents not to mention in-laws! Her family all live nearby so we feel like the out-laws.
We want to love her and forgive and forget but it works both ways.

October 2016.

9 year old thread.?

Testing

*Not watched -should be 'each'

*Update: there have been some developments so thought I would bring an update with my situation-

After a few emails back and forth my DH reiterated he didn't like the way she spoke to me and she should reconsider her move over here. My MIL turned it on me, blaming me for things- and DH had had enough- so called her telling her it wasn't ok and he was withdrawing sponsorship. He did. It is done.
But now my MIL is apologising (but only to keep her sponsorship- she doesn't believe DH would do it) but she pushed him. She then sent an email explaining how she basically dislikes me and the role I have, saying she blames me for DH doing too much and my house is never clean. But wants to start afresh etc.

I have no doubt she only apologised and explained stuff to continue to be able to be here. Currently, we are taking a little bit of a break from the drama and hurt and not responding but will do so once DH feels like he wants to contact her. I also believe she blames me for everything- but that's her choice. I am sad things couldn't have been worked out but am learning that we have watched played a part of this with our choices and the way she felt resentful towards me would have blown up regardless. I was in a no win situation! Honestly, I don't think it was even about me- she would have found fault in anyone!

Swim It is a serious business to be battling for the future stability of your small family so you need to take care not to shoot yourself in the foot. Keep the distance and don't enable your MIL to continue her bad behaviour in your own country by sponsoring her. You will never be able to trust her and she will be intent on 'divide and rule'.

Often the very thing we want and hope to achieve just isn't possible simply because of the inability of other people to put the family unit before themselves and I think that this is such a situation based on your experiences to date. Leopards can't change their spots however much they want to or try.

SwF I feel so sorry for you. In such a difficult situation you are acting with heroic generousity. I already have the perfect DiL, but had I another son I would love to have you as a DiL, you sound so loving and generous. How lucky your DH and child are to have you as part of their family. Your DH sounds pretty amazing to be so supportive of you when his mother is the problem. Many a marriage has foundered on less.

I wish we could... But honestly I've tried and tried. I haven't even gone into detail about our big fight over my parenting etc...
Though I'm sure from her side I'm probably a whole lot of things too (this is just my point of view) I'm under no illusions that she has a long list of my faults too.
I am so grateful for everyone who has commented- it's helped me see that I can't get her to like me (so I have to be myself) and I'll just let hubby deal with her. If she wants to play nice and be respectful I'm absolutely happy to receive that (I actually welcome that and honestly want that for our family) and pick up that relationship but as it is, I can't have someone undermining my parenting and not respecting me as a person (let alone a wife and mother).
Hubby is still furious (& I think embarrassed) by her behaviour so he wants us on a bit of a time out from her to give us all a chance to cool down and hopefully she will change the way she speaks to us.
We aren't going to withdraw our sponsorship yet (but may do in the future depending on her behaviour) but she is an adult and can make her own choices over what's best in her life (just wish she had that same courtesy).
Just some thoughts- as a DIL, I wanted our family to be together, I desperately wanted her to like me (not love but just an acceptance of me into the family), to have our extended family at big events and part of our traditions, until that behaviour changes I have to change my own dreams for our family and focus on healthy people. I still pray things will change and that both our hearts will soften, but I can't be engaging so much effort into a toxic relationship.
I hope to be able to update you all with a positive change one day!!

Oh dear what a mess. Is she really that bad! Is there any way you could find some common ground for the sake of having the relationship you say you want, for yourselves, your husband and your children!

Don't worry about hurting her feelings or damaging the relationship.
If your MiL continues to be disrespectful and overbearing, she is the one who is hurting you and your hubby, and she is the one who is damaging the relationship.
I hope you can all sort it out - definitely don't put up with her behaviour.

If she comes, make sure she lives at least 50 miles away in an area with poor public transport.

A friend had MiL problems, similar, but not as bad as yours and she and her DH deliberately bought a property that her (non-driving) MiL could only reach by travelling on a train and two buses. It reduced visits as except in exceptional circumstances she was expected to make her own way to them and then back home.

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and for taking the time to comment.
The move is definitely not our suggestion.
Previous to the fight we had suggested a 3-6month 'holiday' move to trial whether my MIL would enjoy living here, to happen when she wanted, we would help her get short term accommodation etc. but she wouldn't hear any of it & decided she wanted to just pack up and move. The move is entirely my MILs idea, she didn't even ask our opinion- she misses her son and wants time with her GC. She won't listen to advice. She didn't enjoy the 2 week holiday she had here on her last few visits, and her last visit didn't go so great (she was 20mins away from us staying in a hotel) and she didn't use the experience to really see how she liked it- she complained how she wanted to stay back with us (was 20mins away, we saw her quite often after our resolution to our conflict). She doesn't really like change, thinks Aust is quite strange, doesn't enjoy the food, the culture or shopping (not that I can blame her after experiencing Europe and all its amazing things, so I didn't really hear anything positive. She is purely moving for her son and his kid/s.
We have tried all we can to suggest it might not be the greatest idea, as her expectation of being the Gran (child minding 1 day per week, having GC for weekends/holidays etc) is not quite what we want...but again, she shut down all talk of expectation and wouldn't engage in a discussion, so not much we can do!
At this point we just left it as she is an adult and can make her own choices- we are still going to live our lives the way we live (I'm a SAHM and no need for regular Childcare. I was quite happy to get her to babysit on the odd Occassion for a few hours and did so while she was here (before our blow up!).
However, my thinking is that her utter disrespect for me, and lack of adhering to our parenting guidelines (I'm quite a relaxed mum with not too many rules but times have changed and recommendations are now different to when she was a parent) and her enforcing her standards on me while she was in my house, leading to our big blow up, I'm not quite comfortable with babysitting just yet (With time and healing I expect that could change) but I don't think I will reward her tantrums and inability to communicate and respect our decisions.
To the PP whose MIL hit her and then still visited and said nothing, I just can't live like that/ I'm so sad for you to experience that.
Unfortunately I just can't sit back and be treated like rubbish and take it! I think it's sets a bad example. I am all about respecting our elders and to be honest she and her hubby did a wonderful job with my son, it's purely the behaviours now that I can't condone. How can you treat someone so awful and still expect to have a relationship. If anyone else treated me this way our friendship would be off, but I don't want to cut off- I want a mutual respectful relationship for the whole family.
Like others have suggested, I'm letting hubby take the lead. I'm no longer being her advocate (reminding him to contact or suggesting he email photos) if hubby wants to do it- he can and I won't stop, but I won't say anything. With the move I think I'll see if she continues, and if it's the same disrespectful behaviour we can discuss not sponsorING her (though that will be very hurtful to her and very damaging to our future relationship). It's all very sad, it's definitely not the relationship I had wanted. I think I have to take it not personally though that's very hard!

Does she have to move countries to live near you? It seems to me she is much better staying where she is because she will be moving to a country where she knows no-one and will be entirely dependent on you and your DH for her social life.

She does not sound to me like someone who will be good at settling herself into a new community and developing her own social circle and activities. Is the move her idea or yours? I think this decision should be carefully re-thought. You are in the frying pan, do not jump into the fire.

I think in the current situation having her live anywhere near you would be very unwise.

My first mother in law was like that and it created hell and rows for us as my husband took his mother's side too much. My second (current) husband's mother was rude to me soon after we met and my husband stood up and said right we are going, if you can't be civil to her we can't be here, when you want to behave, come and see us. She never was a problem again. These mother in law's have to realise their children are grown up and have their own lives. Your husband is doing very well defending you but he needs to give her an ultimatum. Either she behaves properly or she doesn't get invited, its then her choice. Tough love, but may work. Try not to stress while you are pregnant - enjoy your family. Good luck.

After I had been married for many years,my DH told me that his parents had asked if he was sure about marrying me as our personalities were so different.
He said he was sure and that was the end of it. They were excellent parents-in-law to me.

Have read some of the posts and can relate to them my own mother in law is 94 now and with my help is staying in her own home with me doing a full time job and her washing ironing.cooking banking ferrying around she was the mother in law from hell but now she needs me I'm the daughter in law that helps and without me she wouldn't be able to cope but I always said to my husband there was three people in our marriage and nothing has changed except the goalposts!! ?