Gransnet forums

Grandparenting

Advice on school problem

(56 Posts)
Apple10 Wed 03-Aug-16 10:44:52

I am feeling so annoyed about an incident at school which happened just prior to the school holidays and would like to know how other Grandparents would have felt. My Granddaughter, who is 7, burst into tears as soon as she saw me when she came out of the classroom. The class send their homework wallets in on a Monday. This had been done except my Granddaughter's writing book had been sent back Tuesday. My Granddaughter told the teacher that it had been handed in and when but she wasn't believed and so her name was put on the class board for all to see and that she would miss 'Golden time'. She is a quiet little girl and so felt very embarrassed by this. I did confront the teacher who found it within seconds and no apology to the child was forthcoming. Homework is always handed in on time but on this occasion, the writing book was a day late because it was her birthday weekend and her parents had been away from home. Am I being over sensitive about the issue? I feel cross that the teacher would not take my Granddaughter's word.

Crafting Thu 04-Aug-16 23:03:34

I was blessed with my parents too Penstemmon, they were both very loving and caring. Why I was so nervous I don't know but I always envied those with outgoing personalities. I think you must be one of the many good teachers (I've got a few in my family too) who care about the children.

Apple10 I hope you DGD feels better now and forgets all about I over the school hols.

Penstemmon Thu 04-Aug-16 22:14:17

Crafting I had some bad experiences at school too, I was not an academic girl, I attended 5 different primary schools and then went to boarding school as my parents were overseas. Some girls there were not very kind. Later I went to a local school when my parents returned to UK. I was screamed at by my maths teacher and Latin teacher and called all kinds of awful names by them. When I went to a school reunion (aged 58!) my classmates all recalled the bawling out Mr Lowe gave me in Latin!! I think a lot has to do with family and upbringing too. I felt unconditionally loved by my parents ( even when they told me off..I was not a perfect child!!) and this brings a certain level of quiet confidence.

Crafting Thu 04-Aug-16 21:57:15

Penstemmon my schooldays weren't the happiest of my life as I was an extremely shy child but surprisingly I was not bullied and managed to get through reasonably unscathed. I was always good at school because I was too scared not to be but I found the work difficult even though I tried very hard. I was never praised for my work or effort (unlike the gifted ones) which didn't bother me because even praise would mean that someone noticed me. I was once, however, told to stand at the front of the class as punishment for something I was supposed to have done. The torture of that hour is with me to this day (although others with the same punishment thought nothing of it). I suppose my point is that there are some children who are not wicked, or deceitful or pretending to be little angels but who are just plain scared and nervous and this sort of punishment upsets them more than others. Toughen up, no, I never did, aLthough as time went on I made my way in the world. Good teachers are a blessing and can make all the difference to a child, unfortunately, bad ones can ruin one.

Penstemmon Thu 04-Aug-16 21:37:04

Crafting do not assume I do not have family experience of a child who finds/found school difficult or that I have not successfully worked with many vulnerable and sensitive children.

I have worked with colleagues who I did not respect professionally and I have dismissed staff that have behaved poorly. I am aware that there are people in schools who should not be there BUT in the 40 years I have worked in schools it was a very tiny number compared to the vast majority of caring and thoughtful professionals who do their very best for children.

I understand that if you had an unhappy experience at school this will colour your view of teachers.

trisher Thu 04-Aug-16 20:43:51

Penstemmon I wondered about the book 'handing in" as well. I once taught a child whose homework was usually late, he sometimes managed to slip his book in the pile and tell me I hadn't marked it! For those up in arms about names on the board I regularly used mine as an aide memoire.Names are only written in the corner in very small writing. When you have to remember that some people haven't brought back their library book, Joe needs to wait in the foyer because his mum will be late and 4 children need a letter to go home, a list is a great help. For those who think it might be upsetting, children in my class would add their own names to the list when necessary. I remember a head teacher coming with a message for a child whose mother was a governor, after she had finished the child came across to me sighed and said "I'd better put my name on the board or I'll never be able to remember all that."

Crafting Thu 04-Aug-16 18:35:57

Apple10 I am sorry your DGD was upset. Penstemmon I am sure you know more about children than I do but there are some children who are very sensitive and things like this upset them. It's all very well for those who are cheeky or boisterous, the outgoing, couldn't care less type of children but some children are more vulnerable than others - yes I know they've all got to toughen up but the fact is that some don't. For all those who have kids who are fine, great for you. I hope you never have to experience one who just can't cope.

TriciaF Thu 04-Aug-16 15:25:55

I'm sure all of us remember at least one "mean " teacher. I do - she once called me up to the board in front of a class of 40+, held me by the scruff of the neck and banged my head on the blackboard. I was very cheeky at that age, but never forgot that. I hated her, but we survive.
If I had been a more sensitive child that would have hurt me for life.
Humiliation in front of our peers is very upsetting.

Luckygirl Thu 04-Aug-16 15:11:47

Life is indeed unfair; and especially unfair to children who are more vulnerable and open to the unfair actions of the adults around them. That is why there is special responsibility on us adults (and teachers in particular) to behave with kindness and discretion towards children. Most do; a few do not. Believe me, I have seen this - one of my DDs was abused (I do not use this word lightly) by a warped and bitter teacher - it took years - yes years - for her to get over it, and I dare not mention the woman's name in front of her even now.

Anya Thu 04-Aug-16 14:45:12

My point Gilly was nothing to do with the rights and wrongs of the situation, which after all happened a couple of weeks ago as school broke up about that long ago.

I didn't comment on the issue as that had been and long gone and other posters had made several valid points.

I was simply suggesting how the situation could have been turned into a positive learning experience after the event. I have three GC in KS1 (infant stage) and I know how easily they can get upset but also how soon they forget when a new experience comes along.
My eldest GC has recently been diagnosed with ASD and he has huge issues with things he sees as unfair, so we're putting lots of strategies into place to help him with this.

I just thought others might like to look at a step beyond the initial problem.

Lillie Thu 04-Aug-16 10:02:57

My son still complains he was punished unfairly at school because I told the teachers to be extra hard on him. I was the Headmistress and tried to avoid favouritism at all costs. The poor boy had no one to leap to his defence as gettingonabit describes!

nightowl Thu 04-Aug-16 09:59:48

The teacher was in the wrong and should have admitted it and apologised. That would have been a valuable life lesson for the child to learn. This way she has learnt that life and adults are unfair and adults in positions of responsibility can get away with it. It's not about springing to the defence of a child or grandchild, but about recognising that a child who has been humiliated will not be in a frame of mind to benefit from that person's teaching.

As for punishing a 7 year old for not handing in homework, don't get me started. Does this teacher not understand that encouraging positive behaviour does not include punishments and certainly not humiliation?

gettingonabit Thu 04-Aug-16 09:42:04

I'm with anya. To my mind, parents are far too quick to leap to the defence of their offspring these days. The child in question will move on and will not be scarred for life, provided her carers encourage her to do so.

The one thing that would deter me from returning to the classroom is the constant interference from parents.

I know I'm not the only one.

Life is full of injustices, real or imagined. This will not be the only time this little girl is likely to be treated unfairly. It's hard to watch. But sometimes that's just life.

I think the ops time and effort would be better employed in helping the child develop her resilience.

Lillie Thu 04-Aug-16 09:40:16

The trouble is, if we treated all children as individuals according to their temperaments - shy, rude, naughty, loud etc.- and made individual allowances, we'd never get any formal teaching done!

gillybob Thu 04-Aug-16 09:25:39

Yes Anya fair enough, but why make an already sensitive/shy child feel upset like this? I agree that the child should be encouraged to move on and I also agree that "life is not always fair" but surely the teacher should have known better and school should be a place where things are fair.

My sister (now 50) was a timid little mouse at school. Having her name written on the board would be like the end of the world to her and she would have been devastated.

I know what you mean about hating school petra . I hated my school days too. I was terrified of the headmaster in my primary school. He was evil and delighted in humiliating little children. These days there would be another word for him but I will leave it there. I hated my high school as it was an all girls school ruled by bullies (teachers and pupils).

petra Thu 04-Aug-16 09:06:35

At my secondary school we were given bad behaviour badges. These were pinned on our ties in front of the whole school. You kept them on until the end of the year.
Mine was for picking cherries off the school allotment tree.
As if my hatred of school couldn't get any worse, it did.

Anya Thu 04-Aug-16 08:59:33

Rather than try to cast blame or rush to defence of grandchild there is a valuable lesson to be learned here by the grandmother as well as the child.

Life isn't fair. So rather than encourage a 'victim' attitude to deveop at this tender age, use it as an opportunity to teach the little one to move on, not to dwell on minor injustices, real or imagined.

What's done is done. Injustices happen. So help the child to forget it and find joy in something else, be it an afternoon snack, a game, a TV show, dressing up, cuddling the dog...

WHATEVER works.

Some people try to hold on to negatives whereas others learn to brush them off, write them down to experience and move on to something better.

Penstemmon Thu 04-Aug-16 08:18:31

I agree adults need to apologise if they are in the wrong. It is a good example to set children. I do not agree re names on boards always being humiliating especially if this is the agreed system discussed with children. If a teacher just sticks a name up to humiliate a child as punishment it is certainly wrong. I always went with as few rules as possible..had better things to do as a teacher than be a policeman!! (woman)

Eloethan Thu 04-Aug-16 00:15:51

I don't think it's right to put children's names on a board. I think teachers should speak to the child individually and, in this particular case, since it appears the mistake was made by the teacher, I think she should have said sorry to the little girl.

However, I wouldn't let a child see that I was annoyed about it because I think it might encourage a feeling of persecution and victimhood. There can be something quite satisfying about a parent/grandparent feeling sorry for you and being indignant on your behalf - I remember it well! I do think it was unfair but children have to develop a certain degree of resilience because, unfortunately, life can sometimes be unfair and teachers aren't superhuman - they sometimes get tired and exasperated just like anyone else.

Jalima Wed 03-Aug-16 23:53:01

I must add that the ones I know, friends and family, come into the good or excellent category - by all accounts (not just mine) and I do know how hard most work and how stressful it can be.
Unfortunately, there are always some who are what you term bad apples Penstemmon and they do tend to stick in the memory.
hmm

Jalima Wed 03-Aug-16 23:19:31

Don't be daft Jalima, really (sorry but ...)
That was just an aside between rosesarered and me I think, a joke (yes, jokes are daft sometimes).

Sorry, the concept of Golden Time may be fine but it is just the name that is daft; it sounds like an American import, such as the name given to retirement years - Golden Girls was an American tv programme. I was criticising the name, not the idea of it.

Children are not always the angels or delicate flowers grandparents/parents think they are!
I agree Penstemmon and I agree that not all teachers are the perfect beings either.
I realise how difficult it must be coping with 30 primary school children, and that there are often two sides to every story.
However - as a parent, active member of various PTAs, grandmother and with many friends and relatives who were or are teachers, I have come across some teachers who make one wonder why they took up the profession at all, as well as the good, excellent and sometimes inspiring ones.

Penstemmon Wed 03-Aug-16 22:58:22

PS perhaps us teachers, working with 100s of kids over many years, also have a broader experience of how kids can behave differently at home/school, how resilient kids can be, what fun they are, how they quite like teachers who have clear rules fairly applied etc.
etc. Many of us are mums and grannies too so also know school from the other side ! I happen not to be a keen homework /uniform supporter but I have met 100s of parents who are!
There are 'bad apple' teachers, parents and kids..we are all human!

Penstemmon Wed 03-Aug-16 22:49:10

Good gracious! Golden Time or whatever schools call it is usually a 30 minute 'reward' session where kids can choose games and activities. Failing to keep agreed 'Golden Rules' e.g handing in homework on time can lose a child 5 minutes etc. it is a common classroom strategy to develop personal responsibility, self reliance and maturity. Children usually help create these rules themselves at the start of the year. They often want far more draconian punishments than teachers!

Children are not always the angels or delicate flowers grandparents/parents think they are! They can tell an occasional white lie, do something naughty/mischievous etc. and need to learn that there are consequences! This child was not made to stand on a chair , or wear a dunces cap! Just have her name on a list in the corner of the black/whiteboard! Ask if she could have earned the time back..many schools do this.
Equally some teachers can be thoughtless and over officious bossy boots where rules are concerned and don't appear to like kids at all but most, in my experience, are not like that!
It could just be the case that the OPs grandchild knowing her book was late left it 'quietly' out of the way and did not hand it in so the teacher missed it. Not sure if child is Y2 or Y3 but if Y3 by end of year should be used to the routines and expectations. If however her parents really think she has been unfairly treated, which could be the case, they should drop a line to the school and explain their concerns. or else parents could just reassure her that it is not a major situation and remind her that life is not fair!

DaphneBroon Wed 03-Aug-16 21:28:06

I notice it is the people who have never had to handle a class of 30 primary children who are harping on about it being humiliating and unkind

No, I only had to cope with 30+ often recalcitrant teenagers, I too am appalled at humiliation as a response by the teacher.
Words fail me. angry

granjura Wed 03-Aug-16 21:00:25

Don't be daft Jalima, really (sorry but ...)

Jalima Wed 03-Aug-16 20:24:41

We're the Golden Girls grin