Gentle Parenting

Manxgirl my daughter has done exactly the same and although she only has one son aged 12 now he is her top priority over and above her career, husband and family. I do love him but he is very demanding and sulky and spoils family occasions with his demands. I do say the odd thing but DD is very defensive and doesn't like me saying anything so I try not to but DH lets me hear all about it when we get home!!!

My one year old gson has started waking up several times in night now.

The latest fashionable term for that according to my daughter is "separation anxiety".

Too much fuss and spoiling made of children nowadays.

I also, button it because any advice falls on deaf ears and know it all remarks.

Interesting, as mine always went down with no bother, but I don't know how much it depends on the child. I shall watch with interest with my new grandchild, born yesterday, as DD is similar to me in some respects. She has a young stepdaughter but didn't raise her from a baby

There is so much pressure on Mums these days to be the 'perfect' Mum - not just from the media/advertising companies but from other Mum's themselves. I can remember sitting in my daughter's living room after my grandson was born with a collection of her friends who were also new Mums and listening to them talking about having their baby with them 24 hours a day, demand feeding etc etc and the unspoken criticism if anyone dared ventured to suggest that a routine plus the odd day off when a relative could help. Being exhausted seemed to be a badge of honour and a sign that they were all 'earth mothers'. On schooldays my grandchildren have set bedtimes and I spend about 15 minutes each with them whilst they get changed, do their teeth etc and get into bed. I usually spend a little extra with my youngest granddaughter as we read a story together whilst she settles down. My daughter is now a single Mum who works full time and is also disabled so I do much of the domestic routine and it has to run smoothly. I do get the 'other people's Nan's' business but largely ignore it as things have to work for us, my daughter is exhausted by the time she gets home from work and I want her to be able spend time with the kiddies without worrying about bedtime etc. Gentle parenting is just yet another fad - and it only makes for hard work. You cannot enjoy being with your kiddies if you are in a permanent state of exhaustion.

Problem is looking in from outside we can see the issues...however when one "lives" it you cannot. All I can suggest is offer support..child care so she can have a break. Unlikely she will trust you with evening/overnight.
We all made mistakes but I listened to my mum..probably to much.
My daughter riddled with guilt as she works so my grand daughter is a monster at times...shes now slowly beginning to see. I child mind and when she's with me Im fair but firm and consistent but if daughter around I take back seat completely. I don't attempt to discipline, I leave all to her.
I support my daughter whatever my internal feelings. Grand daughter responds to me in positive way...As parents we have all been there but I think out offspring forget that

Just say "I'm happy to help if you need it" and then butt out.

I have a friend who says what she thinks, but makes it clear that she doesn't expect people to change.

In other words she would voice her view on this situation (e.g. if the mother says she is tired) but just offer it with a "take it or leave it". Kindly of course.

I think that's quite a good approach because it's better than always pussy-footing and it may sow a seed.

My son and DIL did the stroking and fussing at bedtime too (first time, 40 year old parents) etc but when we babysat, we never did and now my 2 year old grandson seems to have adapted to our style of parenting and just goes to sleep when put in his cot. Lucky for his parents! Anyway they are thrilled that he "self soothes". There's a label for everything these days, I'd never heard of gentle parenting.

She may enjoy The 3 day Nanny on Channel 4. One poor girl's husband had left her with IVF triplets and an toddler ( all under 3).. She may not wish to watch however, too close to home but inspiring. Actually probably best to keep quiet and keep up your invaluable help.

Our own parents never knew what tact and diplomacy meant, well my mother didn't . She lived 3 miles away and stuck her oar in at every opportunity.
That generation, she was born in 1904, were the matriarchs and let everyone know it.
It is not too strong to say I was scared on my mother, I never , in those early days, stood up to her and eventually moved 60 miles away, she still tried to rule, but the ball was firmly in my court then.
I am amazed how the tide has turned, it did need to but it has gone too far in my option.
Young parents are making things so difficult for themselves but they must learn for themselves.
What a cliche ridden post but "whatever".

DD has just had her first baby,our first grandchild, and I'm becoming aware of how much grandma's have to 'zip it' as so much has changed .My very elderly mums pet subject at the moment is how she can't understand how my nieces cope with work when they make 'such a meal of bedtime '(her words)-lying on the bed, stroking the boys hair, endless stories and singing etc until they fall asleep, only to have them ending up in their beds later in the night. She gets very vocal about it .Thankfully to me not them!
So it will be interesting to see how my own DD and partner approach parenting.Interesting question Obieone. Is she lonely ?
DDs partner works away Monday to Friday so she's effectively a single parent during the week.I'm not sure if she will want peace and quiet in the evenings,or company!Lovely for me,and luckily for her -hopefully-we live very close by and will help if needed.
I'm just beginning to realise how much tact and diplomacy grandparents need to employ.

Is your daughter lonely?

DD1 is like this with her 3 children. She is so keen to be a good mummy, and she is, but is run ragged doing things for and with her children almost 24 hours a day. Her little ones are lovely but expect a lot of her. I hate to see her so permanently exhausted. The long bedtime routine happens in their house too. Instead of the children settling quickly after this, they take ages to go to sleep, and like your experience Manxgirl the younger two are very poor sleepers.

However, this is her decision and her children. It is up to her to parent how she wants to. Not for us to comment really.

Ps when they are both at school they will need a good night's sleep and things may improve then.

I would just help out as much as you can with cooking, taking the children out, laundry etc.
We didn't get it all right in our day either!

Wow Manxgirl, I could have written the OP myself!
DD has 5 year old twins. She is also on her own...except that we live only 9 doors away and do the school run and most of the holiday care as she is working. No answers to offer!

Unless your DD asks for advice and even if she does she would probably not want to hear it.
Nothing you can do or say.

If your Dd doesn't want things to change there's nothing you can do. I'd keep quiet.