Are we guilty of this?

My grandchildren live 1,000 miles away but we see them regularly. We often FaceTime so they are used to seeing us. My OH plays the guitar each time so that when we meet up he plays the same songs which they love. My DD will make an effort to see her in laws each time they come to England but they appear disinterested in the children. Their other son and his family live in Hong Kong and they make very little effort with them too. It is so very sad but their loyalty appears to be to their daughter, 7 children to 3 different men, who lives nearby but she know's which buttons to press.
Our house is geared to the grandchildren, we have bought bunk beds for the boys and redecorated another bedroom for our granddaughter which they love and their parents appreciate. Because of them I won't downsize to a much smaller house, I need the space to accommodate them, the in laws won't.

It is important to accept that grandchildren have different needs at different ages.

We moved 250 miles so that we could be near enough for them to pop in on a Saturday morning, introduce the latest girlfriend then go off again, at which time another would arrive and tell us about her broken heart. That is what the older ones need now, grandparents who will listen and try to be wise and make cups of tea and never judge. One phrase you will never hear from us is "When I was young...". And they know we won't tell tales to the parents.

We will readily admit that we are not perfect grandparents with the little ones but who is perfect? All we can do is our best. We will be making tea and cakes and giving an understanding ear for them when they are older.

Just read the mumsnet post, feel appalled. Us "baby boomers" are coming in for a lot of stick this year. I love spending time with all my grandchildren. Not able to run and play football with them but there are lots of things we can do and enjoy immensely.Like Retrolady says, just involving them in our everyday life gives us all a good time. I hope the grandparents who behave in the way described are in the minority, I can't think of any of my friends who don't enjoy being an active part of their grandchildren's lives, the biggest problem seems to be the living distance from the children.

There are so many aspects to this. Another one that came to me yesterday is that when "the old bones" start to play up we see the family visits partly as them helping us. After all the years of us giving to them we reach a point when they spend some of their holiday doing jobs for us, ours do. ie our adult children, and the grandchildren.
And as we've helped them out financially many times, they now offer to help us.

Some grandparents see their grandchildren regularly, others do not. Some are naturals at interacting, others are not. Some children will interact easily with grandparents, some will not unless coaxed and even coached by their parents. Most grandparents love their grandchildren and look forward to seeing them, even ask to see them, but that doesn't mean the interaction between grandparent and grandchild is easy or natural. There's a bit of me that says please give grandparents a break. We do what we can as individuals, if our way isnt what parents expect for goodness sake tell us (kindly please) and help us to make the interaction more positive for everyone. I didn't play with my grandparents, as others have said we did normal day to day things together with lots of chatting and patience to help me when I needed it and cuddles if I was sad. I think the patience was the key to our relationship. It's what I try to offer my grandchildren along with playing, outings and treats when I have the energy and the old bones allow. I do my best, it's all any of us can do. Of course there are inappropriate grandparent/grandchild relationships that are knowingly created but i would suggest these are in the minority. If our approach is different to the approach the parents expect it's worth considering if different is actually wrong, or is it just different.

Despite what these mumsnetters claim/believe, perhaps their children are spoilt, badly behaved brats who are a pain to be around!

I see my GD as much as possible and she loves to see us. Her dad is my eldest (33) and as I was a single parent he had a lot of contact with his GPs. He is really close to my mum. My mum hasn't had so much contact with my youngest two (aged 14 and 12) purely because my husband and I both work full time now so we only have the weekends free and she can't drive but she used to help us with childcare and we regularly take her on holiday with us as a way of saying thank you. Our children adore her.

Unfortunately the same cannot be said of my in-laws. They live(d)in the same town and when my FIL was alive had a car but rarely visited - despite the fact that they were able to come any time. In fact my MIL moaned that she was never going to have a GD when I was pregnant with my youngest but when I had her showed no real interest at all. She comes round here and sits in the kitchen talking to DH and ignoring the rest of us and then moans that her GC don't visit or talk to her - well it works both ways. They used to try and interact with her and she wasn't interested so what does she expect?

My grandparents were very different and lived further away but always made the effort to show an interest in our lives, in person when we visited or by phoning us up in between visits.

It's such a shame that many people are missing out on what could be a great relationship.

When my kids were little, only my dad had any time for them. My mum actively avoided us, & my inlaws weren't interested. It really hurt, but I learned from it & am developing a lovely relationship with my little GD. My daughter has said she wants her to have a better relationship with grandparents than she did. It's so sad, everyone misses out, but you can't make people care.

GDs each have a room at my house, when they are visiting and their mum wants to know where they are one or other will shout "I am drawing in my bedroom". As soon as they get through the front door, all the toys come out and even though we have a large lounge and a music room there is still only tiptoe space to walk. I would not have it any other way, they are so inventive in their games and artwork and in between they jump on the piano stool and do a bit of composing. I have been unable to have them for sleepovers this year but I still see them regularly and sit and play with them even on the floor. Last time I saw youngest GD she was most solicitous, " are you OK Grandma"? " would you prefer to sit on my beanbag"?
DIL's parents miss out on the day to day stuff because they only see GC about twice a year, DS does not encourage visits by PIL because they tend to encourage GC to help in the kitchen and use sharp knives etc.
If you have a good relationship with your GC's parents it makes life wonderful, you get invited to the school plays and dance class shows ☺ ☺ ☺

TBH I think the internet has a lot to answer for - forums like MN and GN are sometimes not helpful. Someone posts a bit of a moan, then others look at their own situation and think, "actually, yes, that happens to me too - I'd never thought about it till now". Before you know it there are dozens and dozens of people all joining in the bunfight and getting irritated about their PiL, or their SiL and DiL and so on. Many of them were probably perfectly happy about their in-law relationships before they'd read the post, but now they're all in the disgruntled camp

My daughter and her family live 3 hours drive away from us, so we really value any time we can spend together! Recently, we had the privilege of having our 2 older granddaughters (2 and 4 years old) stay with us for a week whilst their parents and 3 month old sister stayed at home. Yes it was a very busy time, but we so enjoyed ourselves! I hope they will remember liking being with us as they grow up. We were so proud that they didn't cry for mummy and daddy once! My daughter was expecting a phone call/Skype call by day 3! When grand daughter number 3 is a little older she can stay too! I know my son in law's parents enjoy their time with all their grand children too. They're lucky enough to have other grandchildren nearby.

Indinana yes, the ones who live nearby come and treat the place as their own!! , it is part of their 'comfort zone'.

Have the Mumsnetters ever thought that it could be a two-way thing? You can build up an easy relationship with DGC whom you see regularly, but with those who live away and whom you may only see once a year it can be a bit more difficult. I was very excited when DGS was coming to stay but he did rebuff me at first preferring his Mum to get his breakfast, play a game with him etc; he was very polite but kept saying 'no thank you, Mummy will do it'. So I took a step back and after a couple of weeks he was fine. And he is fine when we visit them, on his own home ground.
There is another thread about this aspect of the relationship.

Falcon so agree. I find my children are on their phones when they are with me, while I am expected to entertain the children. Cook. They stay for hours. Eat me out of house and home. Bath the children so the Gc fall to sleep on the way home. Way past my energy has gone and reluctant to involve us in their lives. Lucky if we get invited to birthdays. Friends seem to be far more important. By the way I worked all my life. Had 4 children and had no help from parents. What has happened?

My mil, fil and mum never played with my children. The thought of my fil playing games with them was unthinkable. My mil did, very rarely, play Monopoly with my middle son but that was mainly to avoid speaking to my mum because they detested each other.

The norm was, the adults sat around and talked and the children amused themselves.

I think the situation is more complicated nowadays. The young mums and dads are critical of their parents in a way we never were.

If they want to see a lot of the gks that can be seen as being needy and demanding and if they don't they can be seen as cold and distant.

Baby sitting back in the day was a couple of hours while I went to the dentist, now grandparents do long babysits, overnights and trips to various activities.

Some of this is due to mums going out to work far earlier than most grandmothers did and they look to their parents for support, often forgetting that the grandparents are getting on in years.

I remember cooking huge meals for my mum and my in-laws, nowadays a lot of eating takes place outside the home i.e Nandos and similar outlets and I've never been invited to Sunday lunch

The key words are adapt and survive. It's a different generation and I've learnt that it's not useful to compare things to the way they were. I play endless games of shops etc., with my eldest grand daughter and recently learnt to play Pokemon with my grandson. {smile]

Some GP don't know what they are missing. Both DD live 300 miles away with 1 child each. I visit as often as I can, staying mostly with DD2 as she lives in town and I don't drive and DD1 son comes to stay as well. We spend family time together and also both DD take the opportunity to work extra hours. I adore the mornings when both DGS climb into bed for cuddles and love taking them out to the park etc and hate the tears when I have to leave. DD2 is expecting another in January (a girl this ) and I can't wait. They are my life and I would sacrifice anything for them.

Well I can honestly, hand-on-heart, say that we're not guilty of this. We live within 2 miles of all our GC and consequently see them very frequently. Yesterday I was looking after the two boys for a couple of hours during the day and spent all of that time with the younger one, helping him build a palace with his bricks, playing with cars on a race track, making words with a tub of magnetic letters. His big brother was in the garden playing with two friends from next door, and didn't need me, haha! (except to supply drinks and treats periodically!!)
Tomorrow DH and I will be looking after all three GC, while their respective parents go out. This will involve bringing DGD round to DS's house in the afternoon, then later when the youngest DGS is in bed, I shall take DGD home to her house and put her to bed (DH can't cope with the 'undressing, changing nappy, putting to bed' routine ). And throughout the afternoon and evening there will be lots of fun and playtime with all three of them. So no, not guilty m'lud. [halo emoticon]

Glad someone else gets GC withdrawal symptoms. The two of them are part of my life then disappear when Mummy or Daddy have annual leave,. Am glad they are with their parents but I miss them.

I think in some of these posts we are comparing apples and pears.
I looked after one GC from 5mths when mum went back to work until she was 11 plus and then just teatime 2days a week. Our routine was just as it was with my own C. It was a normal day with cleaning ,shopping, nap time, story time at the library weekly etc.
When distance GC came to visit it was full on time with them with normal routine out of the window. Everyday care and holiday visits cannot and should not be the same.
The GP's I referred to up thread had and still have no interest at all in the GC beyond a cheque on birthdays and at Christmas.

Been thinking about this quite a bit.

If those on MN are complaining that long-distance grandparents are ignoring their grandchildren when they do visit, then they have a valid point. But if GPs don't see much of their GC anyway then, it can be a bit awkward trying to build a relationship especially if one side, or both, are quite shy. In which case it's up to the parents to help both sides connect.

However if MNetters are suggesting that what they want is granny to get down on her arthritic knees and romp on the floor or otherwise 'entertain' their little dears then they're bang out of order. Not everyone is able to do that.

I'm getting a bit sick of this generation of parents as depicted on MN and GN. My DD and DiL are nothing like that, which is probably why we all get on so reasonably well.

You have a valid point though AnnieGran my sister has always envied me having grandchildren when I was reasonably young. She longs for them but reckons that by the time her daughters have 'everything' she'll be too old to do the sort of activities I did with mine years ago. I got my wonderful grandchildren in two batches. The first batch are 20,18,16,15 I was much more able to keep up and did much more with them than I do with the second batch I have now. I just can't keep up like I used too but true.

AnnieGran that's how it was for me with my granny too and granddad took us up,his allotment and we helped him.

As you said, we learned a lot, we didn't need manufactured 'games' and outings and we were never bored.

The mums were complaining about the GPs taking no interest at all. And some on here have also experienced GPs like that.
That's not the same as being limited by capabilities.

Jalima - I was thinking the other day about what you just said in your comment. It doesn't work out, does it? Couples want to wait longer and longer before they have a family. They want a nice house, a successful career, financial security.

In the meantime we are getting older and older. And they are complaining about us, the selfish baby boomers, because we are now too creaky, arthritic, weak and going blind and deaf, to take on the responsibility of childcare.

Perhaps we should tell them the maximum age we will be able to deliver childcare. We should write a charter then they won't be surprised and disappointed in us. We were happy to take it on 25 years ago (our oldest GC) but not our 3 and 5 year olds. We love them to bits but can't be surrogate Mum and Dad now.

Some grumbles about the GP not getting down on the floor to play with the DGC

I do try and 4 year old DGD kindly offers to haul me up again!

However, I can now walk on the wobbly bars in the park after she trained me.