Daughter in law leaving

Eileen your daughter in law must not leave for Thailand with the impression that if things do not work out there she can return to her old home and things will return to normal. That would be messing up too many lives- once she leaves, goodbye.

I may sound harsh but she must not mess up these young girls minds and lives any more than she is.

The same happened to my partner when his children were young. His wife just left him and their 2 boys and didn't see the boys for many years (her choice). My partner was always really careful never to imply that their mother didn't love them. He just told them that mummy couldn't live with them anymore. He felt that it would really damage their self esteem to think that they were unloved. They have both grown up to be confident successful young men and their mother did eventually start seeing them again and they built up a relationship with her, not sure they ever really forgave her though.

Your son was lucky to find a solicitor open on a Bank Holiday, Eileen, or do you not live in the UK?

Apologies for original post and abbreviated version. Not sure what happened but probably my incompetence.

Sorry Monica..predictive text?

Goodmorning all, thank you for keeping me going. Monicahas hit the nail on the head in her post.We have legal advice and as l speak my daughter in law and son are at the solicitor to sign to say he has sole custody.l think she has ideas that if it doesn't work out she can come back but that would mess them up so bad can you imagine turning up with another child. Someone said where did they meet,well we moved to France 2004 and they were at college together. Her stepfather is here although he has never bothered with DIL and girls and 2 half sisters who they looked upon my daughter in law as their support so they will be left too.Well they will be in the office now and l feel sick. You are all very supportive. Thank you

I feel so sorry for all concerned I'm sure she will regret leaving her children behind . I just hope that your son and grandchildren will be safe secure and happy in time. I wish you peace at such an awful time just keep going day to day and the love from your grandchildren will make you able to cope

I am so sorry for your family. I cannot fathom anyone doing this!

Can I also advise getting everyone into counselling session- your poor GC and Ds! (Though I'm pleased custody will be signed over- less of a worry when the shock of it is over and she may come back!). Can I also suggest that you help your son in being a single dad (help as a grandparent but not taking over parental duties) as this will help him step up as a parent, and you be able to still be the grandparent (not pseudo mum). (Hope this wasn't too presumptive and mean no offence! Just something to think of for your future family!)

Good luck and prayers for you all during this huge change in your lives!

Some very good advice on here.

You have my sympathies, in fact I feel upset on your behalf and for those little girls; my DGD are about the same age
It is a good thing you are so close and will be there for your DS and DGD as much as you are able. Even if you are not physically up to the mark (believe me, I know!) you will be there for them emotionally and will be a great support I'm sure. They will need to be told that mummy will not be coming back, but gently, because they will both be asking questions, especially the 7 year old who may find it harder to accept.

I hope your son does manage not to transfer any bitterness he may feel to the girls, very difficult not to do.

I can understand how your DIL may yearn for home but can't understand how she can leave her daughters, however they have been brought up here and are better with all that is familiar to them and their loving family here.

Sounds like this is a bit of culture difference in part. All that aside your son and the children are going to need all the support you can give them. Professional help is a good idea too.
At least the children are staying safe with your son and family in the UK . For them to go to Thailand would have been so much worse.
It's going to be a difficult time, do hope you all can work through it, good luck.

Can I urge you to try get some professional advice maybe through this link www.bacp.co.uk/ to help you all cope, but in particular the children. They will soon feel huge bewilderment and loss, no matter how much you and the rest of the family love them.

Whatever the reason for their mother's decision to return to Thailand it will be important to support the children who will soon pick up on attitudes and half heard comments that things are not good or what they have been told. If you soften the blow with a white lie it could come back to bite you on the bum..that is why I urge getting good and experienced advice. I hope you all get through the next few difficult months with love and support.

I do not understand how she can walk out on her children they way she is doing so, but I can understand how a long visit home after, perhaps, a long absence, will have deeply unsettled her and led her to the decision she has made. I suspect it may not turn out to be all she is hoping it will be.

In vastly dissimilar circumstances a friend made a similar decision; to return to somewhere where she had been happy in the past. It was a disaster. The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.

It is difficult to understand but it is very hard to leave your country and go thousands of miles to another country with worse weather and a very different culture and far from her family and all who are dear to her. Life at times must have been very difficult for her.

Going back to her home for a long visit must have been very unsettling and if her family missed her, had never met their grand daughters and wanted her home I can see that the comfort of being with familiar family whom she hasn't seen for many years must have been tempting; food, weather, close family and so many memories may have been so unsettling - then the old boy friend appears, by accident or design.

I hope that when she gets back she finds life back home has all the compensations she is looking for to justify walking out on husband and family. I suspect that when she gets back there living as a Thai citizen in her own country, she will find it is not as easy as she thought and she finds she no longer fits in, once the nostalgia for lost friends and romance has the bloom rubbed off by the banalities of everyday living she may well regret her decision. Remember all those rekindled romances on Friends Reunited that ended in tears?

I do not understand how she can walk out on her children they way she is doing so, but I can understand how a long visit home after, perhaps, a long absence, will have deeply unsettled her and led her to the decision she has made. I suspect it may not be all she is hoping it will be.

In vastly dissimilar circumstances a friend made a similar decision; to return to somewhere she had been happy. It was a disaster. The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.

How did they meet and where?

I know 3 young Thai women who left their spouse and children in a much more dramatic and terminal way as they couldn't stand the cultural differences and because they never felt they belonged or were treated as equals.

I asked her to please please get theropy before making such decisions but she won't.

I think you and your son both need legal advice Eileen so you are prepared for anything that hight happen. I will just say that I have known two cases when mothers left their young children and had very little contact afterwards, and both fathers brought up happy children who grew up very stable and successful.

I don't think it's fair to imply that Thai girls are not valued by their parents.

I'm very sorry for your distress, Eileen, and can only wish, as you do, that things will turn out allright for the little girls in the long run.

Three months is a very short time to have come to such a decision so some of my sorrow is for the mother too. Who knows what she is going through to do this and what the real cause is.

It sounds as if she was 'got at' by her family when she went to Thailand. If she is such an unstable character, your DS and GC may, in the long run, be better off without her, though it is going to take a lot of love from you and close family to let them know how much they are wanted.

Thanks Tannith. She has a fantasie idea that it will all be like when she was 13 and thats the life she wants.To boot her grandmother and family think i have not been a good mother to her because i said how could she do all this and leave for a man. i think they are all a bit nutty, yes we will have to pull together so hard and get on with it. Hope all of you out there are ok anyway and thank you, xx

One wants to be charitable and think that just maybe she is leaving them behind for their own safety/protection from who knows what but I really don't think that is the case here..

I hope things get better for you all once she is gone.

She changed when she got back from Thailand and constantly on the phone, l somehow knew it was a man. No way on earth would they go to Thailand over my dead body. It's not a place for little children in the middle of nowhere, not speaking the language etc; etc;

I Know Ann these thoughts are driving me mad

Yes ill protect them to the death, Margsus

You know everyone, you have helped me thank you,l thought no one would reply.This is why i cant sleep,how could she do this, yes she is a selfish girl. They sign tomorrow on the divorce papers and to protect the girls my son has made sure she signes for him to have full custody, but if she goes she goes, no return. She has packed the girls small clothes to take for her next family, can you believe. They have told the girls she is goingto look after her nanny said shes ill,they are ok with that but the next step we wil have to get professional advice. I would never have thought she would do this she has been a good capable mom, until she went to thailand on holiday to see her family 3 months ago. We are a close family and very close to the grand children we have always been in their lives.We will have to live very close to one another and support him.They both go to school.I am 65 so worried that l will cope (i have spinal challenges). My son just wants her gone now and says she can't mess with their emotions. No facetime etc; and the girls saying when you coming home mommy. I try and console myself thinking she doesn't deserve them if she can do this. But i just can't come to terms with her actually going. How can she be with them now knowing what she is going to do. She is not the daughter in law i once knew. i have been her surrogate mom. This is helping to put this to print, thank you to all for your input.

I think Thai culture is very different to ours , maybe this is why she can leave the children so easily . Girls are not valued at all I believe, and also can have a rotten life in Thailand . Others have said to get legal advice which is so important in case she changes her mind and takes them . So sorry this has happened to you and your son xx