Daughter in law leaving

Thank you Fayre, very true, truth is key, we will do our utmost to keep the girls happy in all situations. Best wishes.

Cutting off the girl's mother wouldn't be the best thing to do, it's their mother and they could possibly be resentful when they grow up if they weren't allowed to speak to her. Facebook, skyping and their own email address for sending photos etc (with checks from dad) would enable them to keep in touch and soften the blow of their mother leaving them. Very sad for children to lose any parent especially their mother.

Another thing is never to criticise their mother to them. I always think when a parent criticises the absent parent to the child it makes it impossible for that child to offload themselves. They know the resident parent will take it as an opening to unleash more criticism.

Best wishes Eileen at least the girls have their father, GPs and aunt to be there for them. You must be feeling heartbroken for your GDs.

Thank you ladies for your posts. There is a lot of concern and understanding in them, you are all wise lovely grans. The main thing is we have to tell the truth and my son has to have full custody. He has been to sign for custody.Grandmakt I appreciate your honesty and I am truly sorry for what you all went through. No I will be strong and positive. And Trisher I do think that she thinks she could come back and pick up where she left off. We all want our mom's when in trouble no matter what age we are. All the posts have helped a great deal. Xx

Something similar happened to a relative of mine. One child is now at university and the second doing well at school. One word of warning make sure your son gets everything sorted out legally and has full custody. The mum in this case went home, came back for a bit, wanted to take the children to live abroad, went home again and eventually came back again. The father has been the one constant in these children's lives. Mum has contact but hasn't been at all reliable. Stay strong and supportive your son and his daughters will need you, but they will get through this.

Hi Eileen, you must be feeling awful right now, but my best advice is to take each day at a time and you will all get through this and come out the other side stronger and happier.

I have experienced this as a child myself, my mother left and went to live abroad in the 70s when I was 12 and my brother and sister 10 and 8, She had been on holiday to Spain and met a man there. My parents had a stormy marriage, though this was mostly hidden from us kids. She wrote a letter explaining that she was going away (not saying that she had met someone else, but that she had been unhappy for a long time and that she had to make a complete break). My dad took us all into his bed and read the letter to us. The first week or two were awful - it was so sudden - so far as we were concerned she had been a loving, attentive mother one minute and then just gone the next. My dad was fantastic, he brought us up on his own (we had no family living nearby), financially we struggled and the house was always a tip, but we were happy and are still all very close and have grown up to be happy, well-balanced and successful.

I didn't speak to my mother for years (she always kept in touch, sending birthday and Christmas cards and has been happily married to that same man all these years).Eventually, when I had children of my own I started up communications and have visited occasionally. She has tried to explain things from her point of view, but there is really no way to do that.

Your granddaughters are lucky to have you. As others have said, tell them the truth and be there for them, but try not to be sad and emotional or judgemental around them - my own grandmother did that and I felt that in some ways I had to support her! Talk about the future and make fun plans about the things you'll do as a family.

Wishing you strength and love

I agree with Penstemmon, however badly a mum behaves kids will still want to have contact with them.

I do agree with some of the other posters that the girls should have some contact with their mother if possible as all children naturally want their mother, though this could make life much more difficult for you and your son.

There a re several former SWs on GN who will have more experience than me but as a naive 19 yr old I worked on summer in a children's home. The children, all girls aged 4-12,, had been removed from their mothers because of neglect/cruelty. Many mums wer drug users and prostitutes. What I learned from this experience was, that without fail, each girl wanted their mum to contact them and come to see them.

My dil had two very small girls when she met my son. She told him and the children when they got older that their dad had gone to prison and then died in prison. Her family was also told this and believed it. My son brought the children up as his own and loves them to death. When the eldest was 20 the truth came out in a family arguement, they had different fathers. One didn't even know he had fathered a child and the other was alive and living in another part of the country. This lie caused terrible upset for sometime but thankfully they now recognise how hard my son worked to bring them up. So I really believe that you must be honest with the girls because the truth will come out one day. However much wrong she has done by leaving be kind about her to the girls and I believe you should let them have limited contact with her, She is their mum however badly we think she has treated them. I hope it all works out well for you and your family

I've just read through this thread and feel Penstemmon's contribution is a positive one. A simple, age appropriate and true explanation is what these little girls need.
A couple of people have said skype is a bad idea and its best to let the children gradually forget their mummy. The sad reality is that the 7 year old won't forget her mummy and the 3 year old will continue to wonder why other children at school have a mummy and she doesn't. Sometimes, cards or short letters to let the children know mummy loves and thinks about them can help. I do understand why the family may feel that isn't appropriate but perhaps that's something that can be re-considered in future.

It's good that these little girls have such a loving grandmother, aunt and father. I agree it makes sense for the father to have sole custody (it has a new name now but we know what we mean) .

I think it is not our place to judge the woman. We do not know her. It is always hard to understand other people's motives. I would have found it an impossible idea to leave my daughters but I am not her.
The issue is to support the girls so they grow up confident and happy and feeling loved. I do believe in telling the truth and that, in this case might be that mummy and daddy don't love each other enough to live together any more so mummy is going to live somewhere else. She still loves you and you will stay here with daddy, grandma etc. etc. Personally I do not think skyping is a bad idea as long as it is regular and happy!

Thank you ladies, yes it's usually the men it's so alien to a mom we give birth. When your in trouble usually we want our mom's. Thousands of fantastic daddies too that do wonderful jobs of being mom and dad.Blue belle you got it, she went on holiday saw gran and grandad, by the way he walks around with a stick to hit you with, saw old boyfriend from when she was 13 that drinks smokes (DIL pet hates) divorced with a daughter. So I think they have seen pound signs and worked on her. Yes 3 year old waking up and asking for mommy. Thank goodness the bond the girls have with my daughter is strong. I think to myself what if anything happens to dad or us. Anyway we have to get through it no choice, and thank you again ladies for your support. I will remember that Jalima, it's a good one, trouble with me is I sort myself out last. I don't think I've ever had a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Have a good afternoon everyone x

Eileen look after yourself too, what do they say on a plane?
'Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others'

MargaretX is right - she is behaving like a lot of men do (yes, and some women) but because she is a mother it seems more shocking.
Because most of us would 'walk over hot coals' for our DC and DGC does not mean everyone feels the same and there are women who will put a new life, a new love, before their children.
If I've read the posts correctly her mother left her and her sister in France with their step-father, so in a way she is repeating history.

Hi grandma Mora, thank you for posting, l appreciate all the input. It's awful, I'm not sleeping really, my son is keeping it together he's determined to cope but I'm worried that it will all get to him when DIL actually goes. And that's my nightmare now thinking of when that day comes. And at the end of it all loosing the daughter I loved. No she can't come back and take the girls, I would not see them so messed about. Best wishes

BlueBelle We are dealing with a case where she is leaving her children. You can't just keep writing about what you would do. We have to take her where she is now and it looks as if she intends to go back to Thailand.

I can't imagine ever leaving my children but some women do- have always done. Just like so many fathers have done - actually she is just behaving like a lot of men do, but it being a woman upsets us.
I'm signing off Eileen, I hope you get professional help, you sound a really loving Grandmother and the children will benfit from your love and care.

Don't make excuses for her Margaret I ve lived in Far Eastern countries and life is different but you live where your children are, not run off with a new lover and leave them. I don't hear any words of homesickness Eileen sounds as if she's been a perfect Mother in law, the girl wants a new life with a new love nothing to do with her old life not being good for with, nothing to do with her being Thai or with her being in France it's simply a case of the grass being greener ....she wants a new life she's fed up with the old one and she's selfish simple as and that comes in any ethnicity

Good that your son is getting professional help about what to tell the children. The 7 yr old can probably absorb a practical explanation such as Mummy misses her other family. But what to say to the 3 yr old, I've no idea. At 3 they have little concept of time.

No no no Margaret, you have got it a little wrong. My DIL is 26 my son 29 she came with her family when she was 13 they have been brought up with French ways her stepfather is french. They have always had the thai culture as well as french. They met at apprentice school and my daughter was her friend. we are English and came in 2004. She has her own mind and own way of doing things,we see them at the weekend we go to them or they come to us, if she asks me anything I have guided her if that's what she wanted. Although I did teach her English so she is fluent in french and English. My DIL said to tell the girls she was going to look after grandmother, I didn't and don't agree with that, I think they should be told with no lies but in a way they could cope with little by little. I did put that in a previous post.I feel for the girls that married the German men, that's really sad. My daughter in law cooks rice everyday, and I do her a mean thai curry if she asks for it when she comes to us. I have always had her best interests at the for most. Perhaps when my Daughter in law went to thailand when she was 19, she could have decided to stay then before she decided to marry and have 2 children, it's too late then you are responsible for 2 other lives to keep safe happy and sane. Thank you for your posts.

Eileen it will help your son to speak to professionals but they will only say what I suggest. There is no other way but to tell the truth. I was shocked to hear that you are thinking about skyping. Thats cruel for a child!

Be sensible.tell them the truth, its real life,its their life
their mother has left them what else can you say? What kind of fairy story have you in mind?
If you don't tell them the truth they will get back at you when they are older and accuse you of not telling them the truth.
I have worked with young women from Thailand, they were in Germany to marry German men and they were terribly homesick. They couldn't even digest German food and hated their Mothers in law for serving them potatoes instead of rice.

I'm sure that is not the case in your famaily but perhpas it was too warm and suffacatingly so with your son and yourself. Did she have complete freedom to do what she thought best or did she have to do things the British way?

I live in a foreign country but a European one. If I had to live in a Thai family in Thailand I can imagine what I would feel like. I would be desperate.

How sad for you, your son and the children. I can't imagine how you are coping. I can only assume that your DIL has struggled with the culture gap but not let you see this before. You need a long term plan in case she is not happy once she is there and wants to come back or wants the children to go there. It will be very hard for your son to make practical plans during all this emotional upset.

I seem to make a lot of typing errors sorry. It keeps deciding what to type itself, and random spaces..

Hi Margaret, I do agree it doesn't sit well with them saying one thing and then it changes. I don't want to lie or confuse them they must know they can trust us always. But my goodness what are we going to say for their little minds to cope. But my son is going to ask the professionals.

Yes I know bluebell it's what my daughter says to reassure me. I know your right. She's 26 and seemed sensible usually. Her mom went on holiday to thailand from France and never came back leaving her husband and 2 girls then 10 and 13 my DID said I don't know how mom could do this now I am a mother I know it's a bad thing. And because my son wanted full custody her half sisters are saying we are all pushing her away. They seem to play mind games.it's like stand gran says they are different, well they believe in dragons and spirits. She said she would see the eldest birthday in November then go then it was October when flights are cheap and she can help to get crops in. But they do have to go before a judge to see all is fair and sign again in front of judge. Best wishes.

My late brother had several relationships with girls in Thailand. I think they felt he was wealthy when put alongside local men. He was also old and ill and I suppose there was the prospect of wealthy widowhood. I don't for one moment think your DIL was of the same ilk but I think there are different attitudes to family and money in the Far East . Sadly daughters are not valuable either. I only speak from my knowledge learnt via my brother.