Any experience/advice for dealing with a wilful, rude 6 year old?

mazza reading my first post I am a little concerned that I said your DD should sort things out. I think what I really wanted to do was to point out the differences between your lifestyle and the way your DD is living now and how this impacts on your GD. But it has just occurred to me does your GD think that moving out was your fault in some way? Children sometimes have very strange ideas about what is going on and they sometimes draw the wrong conclusions. I think your DD is being incredibly brave in lots of ways, she just needs to get things in balance a bit which is easier to say than do!

Ordinary teachers barely have a family life a lot of the time. Head teachers have it far worse. When I was an ordinary teacher it wasn't unusual for me to work a 60/70 hour week and I know the head teacher worked just as long and often longer. The contact time (class time) is the part we usually became teachers for. It is incredibly fulfilling to help children to learn. Unfortunately far more time is spent on planning, assessing, subject leader work (no extra pay for responsibilities but you can be hammered by OFSTED), talking to parents, data and statistics, forward planning, target setting and everything else they expect you to do.

Hard as it will be the mum needs to set time aside that is planned mum and daughter time. Time when the little girl knows that she is number one.

Just taken the dog out to try and clarify my thoughts. Thank you "trisher" for pointing out the horror of being a headteacher. I know a shift worker etc would have a harder time in some ways but this is the biggest mistake of DD's life. The school was haemorrhaging money which she's turned round, the staff are a nightmare, the old head had no life outside school so they are all used to her being there until late at night! I can't say much more about that situation for obvious reasons.

I was hoping to show DD this thread but she would be devastated at you thinking she's letting her DD down in any way. She's concerned about me, so emotional at the moment, DD being unhappy and herself which she describes as feeling like she'll have a heart attack, she's so stressed and unhappy. She's doing her v best to get the house sorted, keep all the plates spinning!

My point originally was that mum acknowledges she's hard work, she has no alternative to us doing as much as we do, there are no reliable alternatives to taking/picking up, it was just a throwaway remark about gypsy blood to show how strong willed and determined she is. She's a beautiful, clever, kind little girl whom I love dearly and my purpose in posting was looking for reassurance that at 7 or 8 etc she would perhaps grow out of this phase and become a little angel who loves visiting her grandma! My friend says she doesn't have this problem because she only sees GC once or twice a week, it's the amount we are together that is probably the problem.

Anyway not arguing about shift work. My DDiL does it and believe you me it plays absolute hell with "family life". Hers is 7-3, 3-10 and 10-6 (but she gets an early/late finish on night shift to make up for the extra 4 hours worked). Complete rubbish.

I think maybe you are missing my point. Shift workers often work any 5 days from 7. They might work 4 x 12 hour shifts, they might work a 3 shift system 6-2, 2-10 and nightshift. Try fitting that, plus only 4 weeks annual holiday into family life.

Even shift workers know what time they will finish work.

I know that trisher I am just trying to make the point in saying that anyone working in teaching or heading (I was ticked off by my LEA for even suggesting that a head teacher should teach) is in a far better position (family wise) than say someone working in a factory/shop/whatever perhaps working shift patterns, 4 weeks holiday per year etc.

gillybob a headteacher's job is not 9-5. You cannot walk out when the children go home. In an office you can finish on time. You can't take personal phone calls or spend time sorting out family things in work time. You have to attend meetings after school and in the evenings. You spend holidays and weekends catching up on paper work you couldn't do in school time because there was an emergency/parental argument/staff illness/100 other things that you hadn't planned for. Teaching is bad enough, being head is a nightmare. The profession is haemorrhaging numbers daily because no one wants the stress.

I think you ve hit the nail on the head yourself in two quotes a) describing yourself as a mother hen trying to do everything and getting everything right and B) describing yourself as anxious, kids pick up on that more than anything
please please drop the idea that the child is naughty because she has gypsy blood, so what, she is not being brought up to a gypsy lifestyle so why does that even come into it do you imagine all gypsies are bad people ? I do hope the child has never heard this quote from any of you
I would calm yourself down and as others have already said do some fun happy things with the little girl she might be very different than if she feels she hasn't got to conform to your rules which are obviously different to home rules

Good luck

Thank you for all your thoughts. I'm now crying again, feeling all the feelings you could expect. Grandad has just gone to get GD and I don't want hwper to see me crying as I think she thinks I'm weak anyway. No, she'll be in bed at 7.30 at her own home but we'll then wait for DD to come home. I'm actually worried about how to treat my GD as I do suffer from anxiety anyway and this is just causing me so much angst.

You have made valid points I haven't thought of, she was a generally happy child till this new job of Mums, maybe the stress is getting to her. The house isnt THAT bad, it's just not got a fitted kitchen but other things are comfortable enough. This headmistress anyway, is finding this job harder than anything, meetings in the evenings etc which she is gradually trying to change but she can't go in demanding changes all at once.

You're right, in trying to help her, I have made a rod for my own back with the washing and ironing etc but I'm the great mother hen trying to do things for people but, apparently, not doing it in the right way.

Br0adwater, I love you, you've summed it up perfectly. Treading on eggshells is right, with DD, DGD and DH as well! My place feels like it's in the wrong. I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself now. I'll take your advice and do something with her today, good ideas.

Yes she does misbehave with mum but not as much of course. School just tactfully say she's a strong character! She's here now, I'll have to go!

A headteachers job is very stressful I'm sure.

If a headteacher's path doesn't fit with having a child crikey knows how anyone else ever manages. Just saying.

Lots of us worked in stressful jobs and brought up children but still managed to doing the washing and ironing (well, some ironing and some was more folding!).

You have made a bit of a rod for your own back and perhaps done too much for your DD.
She needs to get her house sorted out asap.

The person suffering in this situation is your DGD. Why is she kicking off? Nothing to do with gypsy blood. She's an unhappy child. Maybe not on the face of it but underneath.

See it from her point of view. She's 6 years old. She lives in an unfinished house. She gets up earlier than most and is dumped at Grandma's because mum is so busy. It doesn't matter that mum needs to work. Children don't look at life that way. She'll see other children being taken to school by their mums. Does mum get to her class assemblies, sports days, school events etc? These little events are often major events to children. What time does mum put aside just for DGD? Being a head teacher is a 24/7 job. Does DGD feel left out?

Is this behaviour new? Does she behave at school? Does she misbehave with mum?

9pm? That is very late for a 6 year old! Perhaps she is difficult because she is tired. Wouldn't it be better for her to stay over on the nights her mother works late, you would have time to do something fun, like swimming as another poster suggested.

I would have thought 7.30 was late enough for a 6 year old on a school night.

Why can't you go to Portugal at half-term? Why does your DD need you every single day?

Oh dear how awful for all of you, your DD has chosen a career and family path that really don't fit well together. You are expected to fill the inevitable gaps and your poor GD is feeling put upon and protesting loudly and because you are the main carer and obviously someone she trusts, you are getting all the kicking.
Firstly your DD needs to bring the same dedication and organisation to her home life as she does to her school. If she had left her classroom in the condition she has her house she would never have become a Head teacher. This child needs a home which is the same as her classmates. She hasn't got the family many of them will have, daddy isn't there. If that were all it wouldn't be so bad but a house that isn't finished, no cooker, no proper home meals it's too much.
She knows how it should be done because she has lived with you and maybe that is one of the reasons she is challenging you now. She wants what you have. It's up to her mum to do something about that.
DD also needs to start backing you up. It isn't Ok for her to say let it go, if you want to discipline GD she should always support you. She should know that children pick up on the cracks between adults and do their level best to use them for their own benefit.
For your own sake I think you need at least one day off a week. Perhaps DD could use a breakfast and after school club on a Friday or a Monday so you could at least have a long weekend.
You sound as if you are doing all the right things, praising and loving and trying to set rules. All I can say is keep going but tell your DD firmly without arguing that she needs to get her act together, this is her daughter and she needs to do something now or the child will be more of a problem as she gets older.

I can't see why your DD doesn't wash and dress her child ready for school before bringing her each morning - she just needs to get up a bit earlier!
It's half-term soon so you will have a break and perhaps it would be a good idea to go away then come back and work out with your DD what rules there are re behaviour etc.At the moment your DGD is confused by differing rules and you do need to have some 'Granny's' rules eg 'don't trash the furniture, strangle the cat, mind your ps and qs' etc - but give the child some leeway too.

My DGD go to breakfast club sometimes and like it. Perhaps doing that a couple of days a week and coming to you three mornings would be a good compromise.

6-7 year olds often know everything and try to push the boundaries.

Why does your DD feel the need to give you long lectures on how to approach things ? could it be that her role as a Headmistress overflows into her home life? (I don't mean bringing work home, I mean being a headteacher at home).

I know someone who works in a very challenging primary school. She finds it very hard to make the transition to becoming a mother to her 2 gorgeous girls at home and a teacher to some little horrors at work. She tends to talk to her children and her DH in "that" tone. "I'm waiting....... I will not tolerate......I am not going to repeat myself..etc"

Subsequently her eldest DD is really pushing the boundaries and I mean REALLY. She has developed an acute eating disorder which I suspect is the only thing she feels that she has ever been able to control for herself.

You need to take care of yourself mazza, have a break in Portugal then sit down with your daughter and talk things through. Sounds like the care of the grandchild could be shared a little more so you have your own time too. As bluebelle says agree strategies with your daughter so you are both comfortable with it. Children need boundaries.

My heart goes out to you all. Wretched for you treading on eggshells, draining for DD who possibly has no time to recharge and have fun any more. But hardest for DGD who just wants to be like her friends. I'd guess she feels powerless and possibly resents you as you symbolise the situation she's in.

I hesitate to give advice but here's a suggestion. Try being 1 step ahead. So when she comes home from school, have something planned, a game, baking, the library, swimming, neighbour's kids to visit, cinema. Maybe she could bring a friend to play after school. After a few days, let her choose tomorrow's activity. Give praise and cuddles and act like you're delighted to see her every time, and that you are expecting to have fun together. Does this sound possible?

Thanks for your replies. I must have misled you. This was just yesterday and the day before, no longer. We have her back today from 3.15 to 9 pm or whenever DD gets home from a Governor's meeting. There is no dad, son in law, whatever, he is not interested. It's a fact about the gypsy blood, her father has a family history. If there was a father or substitute, life would be easier but there isn't.

You are right, taunts, I keep hearing that phrase "pick your battles"! Unfortunately, she tests us at every opportunity. I'm not the ogre, I hope, that I sound, I love her but I don't want her doing certain things. We do sit down and talk, my daughter gives me long lectures on how to approach things!

We can't go off to Portugal, unfortunately, she needs us every single day but I don't object to DGD going to after school club etc but it makes a long day for her and I long to look after her myself when I'm at home waiting for her! Our breaks away do keep us going through all the hard work but it's just come to a head this week as DD is fed up of coming back to a row every night!

It didn't sound as if there was a son in law Roses as original post says ' she had a baby with a useless man who's not interested' so she may be a single mum albeit not on the dole but still difficult to shuffle the day with a very stressful job

What you need to do now is to pack your bags and make for Portugal as soon as possible. If they have to do without you, they will. And it will make your DD grateful for all the things you have done for them over the years.

Welcome to this forum Mazza
I think you have been put into a rotten position by your DD.You are having to run their lives for them and effectively be a Mother both to your DD son-inLaw and your DGD.
All this at retirement age! Your DD is a headmistress not a single Mum on benefits, am mystified why she and her husband cannot take care of their own lives. Given all that you do, the new situation sounds better all round, you should take a back seat and live your own life, particularly if your DGD is so difficult with you.Honestly, the things I read about grandparents running things for their grown up children, and all it seems to do is cause resentment all round.Good luck.?

They do say children will push boundaries with people they trust don't they? You may have to pick your battles and let some of it wash over you as DD suggests. Its a sad situation for both of you but maybe if you step back for a while she will calm down and be easier to deal with . Good luck