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Neighbours bad behaviour

(15 Posts)
meandashy Fri 21-Oct-16 08:13:55

I live in a block of flats, I dont own my property but most in my block do. When I moved here it was just me. Im quiet and keep myself to myself. The woman upstairs seemed ok until I became a kinship carer 3 yrs ago. Dgc is now 5yrs old. As most 5yr olds have tantrums about anything at all dgc is no exception. There is the added issue of the start in life which has led to some behavioural problems. Nothing ott though.
The woman upstairs, in her 50s, clearly believes nobody should make a noise, none at all , at any time! Dgc goes to bed at 7 & is up at 7, unless poorly. I make NO unreasonable noise after 7pm, I rarely have visitors even.
This woman (above me) bangs on the floor even if small person is playing & making a noise. When dgc is in full tantrum mode this woman has come to the door banging and shouting. On one occasion she shouted through the letter box 'we were idiots & she'd phoned police'!! This was 6.30pm & dgc was having a tantrum!
Earlier in the year I wrote her a note explaining that tantrums are normal and as there was zero noise during unsociable hours I felt her actions were unreasonable. She wrote back & said she'd had enough & would complain to letting agent & flat owner! Nothing came of it. The police didn't come when she said she'd called them (dgc heard her say that!!)
The icing on the cake was dgc was going out with ddo (her mum) yesterday eve. They bumped into the woman from upstairs & her friend. She started having a go at dd in front of dgc about a bedtime tantrum the eve before (that lasted 5 mins) . The 'friend' was goading the neighbour to 'get her' (my dd) . My dd retaliated, there was a loud heated argument along the street in front of dgc! My dd admits things got out of hand but it was instigated by this woman & her friend! !
I am confident that had it been me this woman would have said nothing.

For a bit of context this woman went to the people 2 floors above to complain about their 2 yr old crying at 10.30pm! She then went to the people in the flat in between her & the people she complained to to TELL them they have to complain about it too!
She is not exactly quiet but we live in a block of flats & you can't expect quiet 24 hrs a day. (She was banging around at 5.45am today)
I would understand if I had parties & kept unsociable hours & friends but I don't.
All this stress is making me ill, I have considered giving up care of dgc. If that happened she would be fostered & family would not be allowed contact!
Time for talking has passed, the relationship is at breaking point. Please if you've any advice I'd appreciate it. 💐

downtoearth Fri 21-Oct-16 08:29:03

meandashy I too am a kinship carer for my GD since the age of 4 after the death of my daughter..she is now 18 in February...
We too had the problem with less understanding neighbour beneath us objecting to childhood play ..she was too traumatised to make much noise..we ended up moving to somewhere more suitable would this be possible for you...I know this sometimes is not possible as contractual obligations are difficult to get out of .....we where threatened and things turned very ugly with a kinship carer have you SGO and a nominated SW who you could ask for support you are between a rock and a hard place as there is little support for kinship carers and you are left literally holding the Baby..I speak with many years experience I can't offer practical advice but if you want some moral support You are very welcome to PM me I know what a sometimes difficult task it is ..chin up flowers

Lillyringlet Fri 21-Oct-16 08:35:03

You need to contact the police - this is harassment as by law you are allowed to make normal noise but her behaviour is not.

Contact the police about her behaviour and next time she starts yelling call your local police (or 999) as they will have it recorded and will then be on your side too.

You shouldn't have to move or deal with this abuse so talk to the police and they will help you.

sunseeker Fri 21-Oct-16 11:14:19

My thoughts exactly Lillyringlet. When you live in a flat you have to expect to hear some noise from your neighbours, especially if there are young children.

Eloethan Fri 21-Oct-16 11:16:58

I agree with Lillyringlet that this is a form of harassment and I hope the police would be able to give you some advice as to how to deal with it and information on what facts would need to be established for them to intervene. (I don't think you should ring 999 unless it is an emergency situation where you have been threatened with physical violence). I wonder if the occupants of the other flats who have been bothered by this woman would be willing to write a short statement detailing their experience to support your complaint. Your MP might be able to help - especially as you are doing such a valuable job in caring for your granddaughter.

It would be better, I think, if you and your daughter try to avoid responding to this woman's provocative behaviour. Do your best to completely ignore her, lest she try and claim that you have been aggressive.

This woman doesn't know when she's well off. When I take my dog out for a walk, in one road we go along music is blasting out from a flat and can be heard some distance away. That is what I call unreasonable - not a child having a tantrum, which I think a lot of people would agree is not that uncommon with young children.

I have great sympathy for your situation and do hope you can get some help to sort this matter out.

notnecessarilywiser Fri 21-Oct-16 11:38:19

This sounds like exactly the sort of situation where mediation might be appropriate and effective. Google mediation services for your area.

meandashy Fri 21-Oct-16 17:18:35

Thank you for your kind words and advice.
Moving could be a possibility but making such a big change in dgc life may not be advisable at the moment as dgc finds change difficult. I also find it stressful. I have agreed with dd not to get into any conversation with the woman again, it really wasn't helpful. Dd has told me this afternoon the woman was disparaging about dgc & me, in front of dgc!
I think mediation would not be an option, this woman has shown how unreasonable she can be & it's only getting worse.
I do have a kinship sw, we are just getting to know each other (we've met once at home & once in a panel meeting today). I will approach her for advice.
As for dgc sw, she's off sick AGAIN! That's means dealing with a duty worker who is unable to support us with any future plans as duty changes day by day.
It never rains but it pours!
I will let you know how it progresses.
Downtoearth thank you for your kind offer. I will be in touch 💐

Annierose Fri 21-Oct-16 18:07:03

Definitely involve the social worker - they can support you in dealing with this, and possibly help you to move (if you want to). They will not want you to give up caring for dgd and will do anything to help!
Please don't get put off by sw being off sick, just explain to the duty sw and set up a meeting with your own sw asap. If really necessary write to the head of the team, and say that you really need support as otherwise you are unsure about continuing.....they will help as much as they can!

mumofmadboys Fri 21-Oct-16 18:55:19

I think talk to the SW and leave the police for now. Try and ignore her as much as possible. Be polite and brief ie just say hello if you pass on the stairs. This is her problem and not yours. Good luck with your dear GD.

LullyDully Fri 21-Oct-16 20:21:08

We lived in flats for several year with our young grandchildren. The oldies under us did nothing but complain. The kids weren't noisy and didn't run around. They would phone in the afternoon when she had her nap. It was impossible and we felt there was nothing we could do. Children are part of life and they were not retirement flats.....very uncomfortable and I feel for you

vampirequeen Fri 21-Oct-16 20:22:18

I'd talk to the police, not to get them to take action now but to have an official reporting date. From then on I'd keep a diary of every piece of harassment she puts you through. You have a right to enjoy your home. Walking on eggshells because you're afraid of making the slightest noise is affecting that enjoyment. I would also contact the council and talk to the noise people (sorry don't know what they're called). Find out what constitutes reasonable noise. You won't be the first who has been harassed in this way by someone who would be better living in a detached property in the middle of nowhere (but then she'd probably complain that the cows moo or the sheep bleat too loudly).

Crafting Fri 21-Oct-16 23:07:57

meandashy I live in a flat too and know how much noise travels. Have you got carpets on the floor rather than laminate. If you have laminate could you put down some rugs to restrict noise. Curtains rather than blinds help contain noise also closing doors or using draught excluders. Wearing slippers rather than shoes. Sorry if this is no help. It's just a thought. Good luck to you and DGD

jenpax Sat 22-Oct-16 13:32:28

I would suggest you contact Shelter the housing advice charity they have a free phone advice number also talk to the local environmental health department of the council they can advise of the levels of permitted noise. It's possible your neighbour has a mental health issue as she seems to be very confrontational with everyone and disproportionately so! Could you get your social worker to speak to the housing department with a view to being housed in social housing you are priority need as you have a young child and are living in accommodation that is causing you and your DGC lots of stress. I take your point about moving causing disruption but maybe moving to a permenant secure house possibly with other families around you might make your grandchild feel happier in the long run?

Teresaship Mon 24-Oct-16 07:39:27

i suspect this woman will complain about everything. I agree with mumofmadboys be polite and otherwise ignore her. Tell your gd that the lady is a bit mad and says all sorts to everyone and can't help it. Also don't alter your behaviour, in fact if gd or yourself want friends round early evening have them. My daughter had a party in our garden as a 18 year old teenager and on our advice put a notice in every neighbours door to say there would be music until 11 pm, this was a Saturday night. A neighbour called community police at 7.30 pm to complain. They came to see us, confirmed they couldn't even hear music until level with our house and wished us a nice evening.

SparklyGrandma Thu 27-Oct-16 22:31:44


You can ring the non police emergency number and ask for advice, its 101. I have a different neighbour problem but I have been advised to make notes of what things are happening right after they happen, and how they affect you and your DGD.
It sounds like harassment but you have to get advice, take notes and challenge it. Dont engage with your neighbour until its sorted - sometimes we are polite to try and get things back to normal but that can be used against you.
Sounds awful what you are all going through. Stay strong.

If anyone is going through this and say share a social landlord, you can go to them, when you have collected evidence too.