DIL anxious about me

I meant to say Grandreg, a lot of these things tend to come out in the wash so gentle reassurance is probably the best way forward.

How lovely to have such a good relationship it's early days for your dil enjoy your gd

I am going to be looking after my 11 month old DGS one day a week when my DIL goes back to work. When he was first born, she was quite happy to let me hold him but after her mother died when he was 3 months old, everything changed. Although we had a brilliant relationship before and used to say she wished her Mum could be as understanding as I am, it got to the stage where she couldn't bear to see me and certainly didn't want me to interact with her DS. My DS was very apologetic but did what he could...he found he wasn't to be trusted a lot of the time either. My DD kept saying that it would be unfair on the baby to suddenly hand him over when she went back to work but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. I started to wonder if I was actually going to look after him. However, last week, she suddenly agreed to let me look after him and my son said when they had finished what they were doing, she wanted to go shopping rather than running straight back and I had such a lovely time looking after him. I am now hopeful that the worst is over and I am really looking forward to next week.

She s a lucky girl to have such an understanding m.i.l. Her hormones will be all over the place, and guilt about leaving the baby is very natural. A good person for her to speak to his midwife/ health visitor .

I got the same long list and we even had to have a 'dry run' one afternoon to see if we could cope with giving her a bottle before nap, waking her, changing nappy, playing with her, then her tea. She was 10 months then. All to see if we'd be willing to have her one day a week or a half day a week when mum went back to work. It was as much to see that WE were happy coping with things, not just the parents' confidence in us.

Now that said, I have not had children of my own, but a lot of experience with my late brother's three from the moment they were born. Still that was 40 years ago and mum's have new ways now.

Went great and no more lists after that hee hee. DIL confided that she herself needed several months to get the hang of caring for an infant, especially as she was changing so fast.

Now we have our DGD every Monday PM from mid-day nursery, then the odd Thursday or once in a while all day if not at nursery. She's 15 months now and walking like a trooper and words coming left and right, just not in a sentence.

It's so much fun to share these moments WITH the parents. AND, I have even discovered a product or two that mum has approved of. It's all good so far, even when DGD has been unwell... we manage. One to one-and-a-half days a week works for us.

I think your DIL is a typically anxious first time mum who is loathe to leave her new baby. I think it's natural. A young tenant of ours said that when hers was born a couple of years ago. She'd moved before the birth and I only saw her that once when she said that. Ran into her not long ago and she said her DD was going to be an only child... that now that she was two, she finally got her life back!

So much for the 'broody' nature of new mums!

I smiled when I read some of the posts. My darling granddaughter was born a year ago after 12 years of trying, numerous courses of IVF and lots of scares during pregnancy. So understandably my daughter in law was really anxious about leaving her. My husband I look after her 2 days a week. It needs to be both of us, as I have trouble lifting things. The first day mum went back to work, I was sent an email, pages long with all my instructions. I bit my tongue, despite the fact that I had brought up three children of my own, including one who was very ill throughout his childhood. I was also a teacher, who was used to holding an assembly with over 300 pupils, without batting an eyelid. My daughter in law treated me as if I had no experience with children. I just kept quiet. It's hard when it's not your own daughter. Last night we went up to let my son and daughter in law go out for a meal. How things have changed. Baby was still in her day clothes, hadn't been fed or bathed. Mum said, "Just do your own thing!" All mums think no-one can look after baby like them. It's natural. Going back to work and leaving baby for first time is really stressful. Things will be fine in the end. Just enjoy this special time with your grandchild. It has given me a new lease of life,after a bad spell of being really unwell.

You sound like the best MIL in the world. Great that she can express how she feels. We all know it's "their hormones" ..... Can be quite tricky to deal with ..... But within a few months once their darling babies are sleeping through the night, everything seems to settle and everyone relaxes.

As I said, you sound so fabulous and understanding .... So good luck with it all

My DIL came round to my house one day with my GS who was a few months old. She was crying and saying she could not cope. I sat her down and made her a cup of tea, and let her talk about how she felt she was not doing a great job of looking after her son. He had colic from reflux and so was always feeling uncomfortable and so he cried. The crying was really getting to DIL and she looked so tired. I told her she was doing a wonderful job of looking after him and that all mothers find it hard going at first, even more so if the child is ill. I told her I would look after him every weekend for one day and I have been doing that now for 16 years. She was glad of the rest and the time to herself and he has grown up a much loved GS who is good mannered, happy and very caring. I cannot fault her at all.

Sometimes a little bit of help can go a long way. All she needed was reassurance and a bit more sleep and it worked wonders.

I'm think your DIL been listening to other mothers complaining about MIL interfering with there children it seems it's ok for mothers to get involved but not MIL now she's cleared the air by expressing her concerns I'm sure everything will be ok

I looked after my first grandchild when his mum went back to school (a very young teenage mum). The baby was my younger son's. Although they were both young and inexperienced, they loved their child and made wonderful parents. They are still together twenty years and two more children later. I remember her being upset that she was worried that her son would think I was his Mum. I assured her that as she was the one that tucked him up at night and sang songs and cuddled him to sleep and was also the first face he saw on a morning, not to worry as quality, not quantity was important in spending time with him.

Good luck - no advice to offer.
When I had my babies, I just couldn't bear having them with anyone not even their wonderful father. I had to steel myself. Perhaps DiL is like that? Raging hormones and acute mothering instinct? If so, I sympathise to both women...

Yes, this all sounds perfectly normal. Of course she's anxious....first time mum and all that.

I too remember the explicit instructions Liz and the recipes for home-made butter squash purée! Exactly what time they had to have their nap (which nobody seemed to have explained to baby) and what time they had to wake up (ditto). I retaliated by writing a diary detailing every poo, changed nappy, food experience, nap, walk with buggy, tummy time and so on. It wasn't long before all responsibility was handed over to me and I was told to just do what seemed best (which I'd been doing all along).

That's first time parents for you.

Relax, enjoy your time with your grandchild and mum will relax too.

Best of luck.

Grandreg,I think it is a huge compliment to you that she was able to express her fears.

I would ask her to write down in detail the babies routine. might sound silly but one of my DILs is a great list maker. Ask her if she would like updates during the first week. I send a photo occasionally when they little ones are being looked after.

How lucky you all are to have this wonderful opportunity to bond the 3 generations.

How fantastic that you are able to be so open with each other, you must be a lovely MIL and I am envious, I would not have been able to talk to my own mother like that let alone my MIL!!

It's early days and she will be glad she's got you keep going her anxiety will lessen as her. Confidence returns .

She isn't anxious abut you really, she is anxious about going back to work and concerned that you see her as a devoted mum, which of course she is.......

All us devoted mums have had to tread that same path, fancy a gran who has horses as a hobby what a treat for a child that will be.

I think she was looking for (and found) some female solidarity. How lucky she is to have you.

Yes it is a bit soon to return to work,no wonder she is anxious. I think it's brilliant that she can talk about such a sensitive subject with you and I'm sure if you're both honest with each other everything will be fine. I wish my dil could talk to me like that,they tell me nothing so that makes every text she doesn't reply to annoy me more and more until I feel she really doesn't like me at all. And we thought our troubles were over when our children left home,lol!

How wonderful that she can talk to you about her concerns. It is so sad that she has to leave her baby after such a short time. She is lucky that baby's care will be family, can you imagine if she had to leave the baby with a childminder!!!!

It seems very soon to be going back to work, no wonder she's feeling anxious. I think everything should settle down into a routine quite quickly and she'll be quite happy with your help.

Just go with whatever she wants grandreg especially when she is around. There are some ideas about child rearing now that I had never heard of- baby led weaning for one. I had to read up on it. It terrified me at first I kept waiting for GD to choke, but she survived. If she sees you doing all the things she wants you can spend time when she isn't there doing it your way.

Thanks to all! I am sure we will all be fine. As a mom of 4, I certainly can understand feelings of being a new mom and respect that.
Thanks again!

it's great that she can talk to you about her anxiety! That is helping, you are helping, you're already doing it by being approachable in that way x

DS & DDiL were very anxious new parents. The first time we were allowed to push her round town for an hour while DDil had a haircut, we were given so many instructions we were as nervous as cats and terrified of crossing roads in case anything happened!

5 years later we took said DGD out to the sea for the day, the first time we had done anything like that, as we do not live close to them. DGD slipped on some seaweed and grazed her leg and hand. We took her home thinking we would never be allowed to take her out again. Her DP's reaction was a quick shrug, sympathy for DGD - and we took her out for the day a week later.

The moral of the story is that grandreg's DIL's worries are normal and she will soon get over them.

Well - it all seems positive to me. She trusts you enough to be open and honest with you about her feelings. And it certainly sounds as though you have said all the right things.

She is on the brink of parting with her dear babe to the care of others and it is so tough - she is sitting there sizing you up, her rational mind knowing that all will be well, but her primeval emotions getting a look in too.

Stay upbeat; reassure her that you will follow her instructions and that what she says goes; and never give the slightest weeniest most microscopic hint that you know better about anything child related at all - you probably do on some things, but that is not the point!

Many of us grans have been there, and staying cheerful and reinforcing the mother's prime position is the way to go.

One of my DDs brings the children's own water (yes really!) when they come here - I just smile and say nowt!

Six weeks after a first baby is very early days.Give your DIL time. She is probably anxious about going back to work. Hope things work out well- I'm sure they will.