Can't do right for doing wrong!

My grandchildren are younger than yours but I really empathise with all you say ....I so often feel that I cant do right for doing wrong ....saybsomething, its wrong, dont say something, its wromg! Do exactly as asked ...still wrong because somewhere along the way its changed !!!

Hi ladies, thanks for all the words of support. Being a granny is the best job in the world, but can be so stressful at times as we have to stand back and keep quiet at times when we really want to say 'blah, blah, blah'.

I should add that she is not usually allowed out so late ( that I know of ), think this was a one off because of what happened, but I would have still being saying no. I think part of the problem is that her mum was a nightmare in her early teens although you would not think it now as she can be quite strict with her girls, so I tend to think, is she ( granddaughter) doing the same as her mum did at her age!

Mum and dad are divorced but dad went mental when he found out she had been bunking off school. He was a rubbish hubby, but is a very good dad. Can't fault him on that.

As at least one person said, sometimes I think life would be easier if we did not live so near! It would probably make life a lot easier re knowing practically everything that is going on with them. In a small town like ours there's not much you can get away with without everyone knowing. Thought she might have considered that before bunking off school, someone was bound to see her. Oh, the joys of pubescent teenagers who are still children, yet can look years older when they go out with their friends, and think they know everything they need to know! The boys seem so much easier, so only one more granddaughter to go through this again, the other three are boys and one is 21 so he is pretty clued up now.

But, we would never be without them xx

DH and I are sometimes sad that we are long distance GPs, and also the parents of DSs (no DDs). That means they hardly ever get in touch and much of the job of keeping lines of communication open rests with ourselves.

But reading some threads on here, there are clearly pros and cons of not knowing too much about what the DGCs get up to. Once you know something, I guess it's hard not to tell someone. But if you don't know, you can't say.....

I think you did the right thing - once Mum knows it is then up to her how she deals with it. Imagine how you would feel if you hadn't said something and something had happened to your granddaughter as a result. I live with my daughter and two granddaughters and one grandson, grandson is 13 and knows it all, eldest granddaughter squeals and screeches the house down if she thinks she will get her own way when told no (doesn't work with me, I just send her to her room until she can behave) and my littlest granddaughter is a sweetie but can throw a strop as good as her sister can at times. I do have a lot to do with making sure they behave and sometimes my daughter and I disagree over their behaviour as I am sometimes accused of being too strict (but they are the rules that applied with my own two) but we usually come to a comprimise.

11.45 pm is much too late for a 13 year old to be out - unless she was out with a group of her friends and some of their parents, to light the lantern for the friend who was killed.

They will all be devastated by that and perhaps it will make them think twice about being out late and accepting lifts from other youngsters.

I think it is worth mentioning it to her mum any other time you see her out of school or perhaps where she shouldn't be, for her own welfare.

I'm sorry, SilverLining. I'll think of you when I'm doing the swimming lesson on Wednesday...... x[flower]

I also agree with the last few comments, midnight is certainly very late for a 13 year old and does mum know is a good question to pose but you were right to check with her mother. At times we never seem to get it right both as mums and grans.!!?

I can't see what you did wrong either. I also agree that 11.45 at night is too young for a 13 year old to be out, and your concern about that was quite understandable.

I would be seriously concerned if my 13 year old GD was out at that time of night and I would be questioning DD's parenting skills.

Am I the only one surprised that a 13 year old was out at nearly midnight?
I agree it's a minefield but if you're concerned then it's very difficult not to say something.

You have every right to be worried, however, it's the parents duty to make sure their children are safe. Unless the the children are staying overnight in your house, then you would be responsible. That sort of thing is best left to the parents discretion as your status as a grandparent will change. Unfortunately, you live where they live and you perhaps know more what your Grandchildren are up to, this doesn't give you the right to parent them, you must trust your Daughters that they are doing the correct thing e.g checking where they are and who they are with.

I have 3 magic words to solve this dilemma.........

'does mum know'

Then you would know whether it was time to say anything.........

As long as you keep the lines of communication open between yourself and your DD and GD you're not doing anything wrong. In fact it shows them you care about them both.
You may feel a bit like piggy in the middle, but where personal safety or welfare is involved then you should spill the beans and let the mother deal with the outfall. As for skipping lessons, it's quite common for teenagers to try that one on occasions. Best left alone until someone in authority catches them and applies the sanctions.

i too seem to be in a fallow period. havnt seen my grandchildren over half term either, but will be needed this week for our usual childminding/school run duty. it would be nice to see them together with our daughter once in a while when we can be grandparents. yes disgruntled it can be hard. had no sleep last night thinking about it.

Oh, it's a minefield sometimes isn't it! I fluctuate between backing off and offering help. Half term's just gone by without me seeing either granddaughter, so I'm obviously in a fallow period. It's all much, much harder than I'd expected. Good luck, Magic.

I think what you did was fine. I wouldn't worry about it. Perhaps daughter was curt because she was tired at that time or worried herself that her 13 year old was still out.

My immediate reaction is that it's up to parents to parent their kids. Late messaging from a teenager doesn't necessarily mean they've been out late, just up late.

My teenage daughter's school lets me know if she is absent without leave even from one class at school. Don't all schools do that?

Worry as much as you like but leave it to your daughter and the kids' fathers to be the parents unless they specifically ask you to monitor something or to be a temporary child-minder.

I think it's a very difficult situations for us grans/nans You just don't know how much to 'interfer' to get it right I have a lot of hands on grandparenting with two who's Dad died and help out as much as possible but sometimes get told I m overstepping the mark I ve learnt to just accept I m going to get it wrong it's just such a fine line one minute you're in soul charge of lives, making lone decisions, the next you have to step back it can be so difficult to get it just right
Do you tell or don't you ?
In your case I would have done exactly as you did and alerted my daughter and accepted any flak because that little ones safety is paramount, but at the end of the day if the Mum was happy with her out at that time of night there's nothing you can do accept worry ( I bet you didn't sleep much that night) Perhaps there was an adult with them One of mine is a 13 year old girl too so I know exactly where you are coming from, and no you re not old fashioned
Having read many threads on here I feel blessed that I still have a good relationship with all my kids and grandkids ( even if not as close geographically as would be ideal) and still have them all to worry and fret over
I don't think Mums or Nans ever stop worrying or maybe I m just a worrier