Tired Granny

I am new to Gransnet and find the level of support provided by contributors very uplifting. I agree with AuroraW that the posts are interesting and very helpful.
My DD2 lives some distance away and I recently spent a week at her house to help her with DGDs aged 3 and 1 while DSIL was away on business. DH joined me for the second week, but we stayed in a rented flat nearby. At the end of 2 weeks I was absolutely exhausted, despite the fact that DGD1 goes to nursery school Mon-Fri and DGD2 goes to the creche 3 days a week. DD2 works from home, so on days when the baby was at home, or at weekends, I was in charge of most of the childcare. We shared other duties such as shopping and cooking and school drop-offs & pick-ups. DD2 still has broken nights with one or other of the children waking, & suffers tension in her shoulders from carrying the baby and frequent migraines too. I ended up carrying DGD2 up and down stairs, in and out to the car and so on. I was surprised to find I was so tired, as I adore the GDC and we all get on well, so I guess it’s to do with my age (I’m 67). Could it be that it’s because I’m ‘on duty’ all the time I’m with them? ( I’m not really a worrier.) I remember being busy with my own children when they were small, but nothing like this level of tiredness (I was in my early thirties then!) DH is a good deal older than me, but is very good at playing with the children & making them laugh, although he doesn’t do the nappy-changing type tasks.
DD1 lives close to me, so we can visit each other during the day. We sometimes have DGS aged 2 to stay the night. This will no doubt become more frequent as she is expecting another baby in May.
I feel fortunate in that both my DDs & DSILs are very considerate about our well-being and give us plenty of notice if they need us to babysit. Reading other people’s posts makes me realise this is quite rare! However if anyone can answer my questions I’d be very grateful. Does childcare get less tiring physically as the children get older? Is it reasonable for me to say that I can only look after the DGC for a week at a time, even when the parents are present too?
Many thanks in advance for your advice!

trisher

I agree GS is 2 and half I have him one day a week. He still has an after lunch nap and so do I! I'm dreading him giving it up I need those 5 mins to get me through the day.

When my children were little, they transitioned to quiet time or rest time, in their rooms and I made sure I used this for my own rest time, not catching up on chores! Does this still happen in households? It’s good for children to have some quiet time.

I don’t have grandchildren nor am likely to but have worked with young children for years until recently and love having time for myself at last. Young children are lovely but even with my own, it got boring and I suspect it would with gc. Working in group care is very different. I admire those who do it and say they love it and hearing of those long days, aren’t at all surprised to hear how tired they get

Is this site still functional

I must admit I find all these comments so reassuring as I find looking after little children utterly exhausting but so rewarding at the same time. I wouldn’t want to be on the sidelines as a Granny and feel that if you take care of your grandchildren regularly you definitely reap the rewards and form such an amazing bond with them. My GS is 18 months and have looked after him once a week since he was four months old. He was born in Australia and I feared I would never be able to know him properly but I thank my lucky stars the family returned to the UK and I feel privileged to be able to look after him. I also look after my GD once a week who is 9 months old which is also so rewarding and I felt more confident this time with a young baby as I’d been used to looking after my GS. However I have told both families that will do only one day each a week for them so I do get to enjoy my own time which is important too. I’m new to this site and and am so glad I found it because I find all the posts so interesting to read plus you feel you are not alone with your Granny worries!

Miminainai...I would start your own thread. This one is 4 years old.

To start you off, absolutely do not feel guilty. You’ve just lost your husband for which I’m so sorry. You don’t need to explain further.

All the best to you ?

Oh, snd and I feel extreme quilt about this!!

Feeling like my body is hurting from so much caregiving ( recently deceased spouse snd 2 new toddlers). Only 64 but I feel wiped out snd like my body is gathering into a bundle of aches and pains . Can one put ones own needs over those of my children snd their babies? I need to regain my own life — my body is crying out for a phase of not caregiving

Nannynoo, here's a (((hug)))

Also, I second the "go to bed at 8, yourself" idea. Perhaps if you do that, you will find yourself waking extra early and can do needed chores then?

Heading off on Sunday to give two small dgs ( 4 & 2) a break from nursery. It's getting near the end of term and they're getting tired being in childcare every day. I'm having plenty of rest this week before the event and will need a few days after to recover! Keeping fingers x'd that weather is good

We have looked after gd since my daughter went back to work she as another one now asked other day if I wanted one day a week with hen she goes back I would love to but said we will see nearer time I would love to have same relation ship with this one as I have with gd . I do feel guilty at times my other GC don't live near enough to look after but would only do one day there as well but dil is SAHM because of child care costs she can't afford to work when she tried it she was spending more in childcare transport costs than what she earned . I wouldn't want to do it on my own oh is also retired we do get tired we tend to go on short train journeys or walks to park , occasion play group luckily it's one as been very easy going .

we're now cooking .

I've had one GD for half the week for six years ,thats day and night and the other three I have regularly for weekends .I think you nee dto relax and teach you wee one to entertain him/herself.I put paints and paper out and we hang the pictures on the washing line to dry .If the weather is particularly good we do it outside and they have picnics that last for hours with a cd player they can dance to.Get a blackboard and chalks and leave them to it while you get on with housework or have a break.Its not any different to having your own really ,just dont stress about it.We''re cooking now ,the 10 and the 7 year old learned how to make omelettes last week and the week before we learned scones.They go home and try out the recipes on mum .Try to enjoy the time ,they shouldn't NEED to be entertained all the time

When i looked after my then toddler GCD ,i used to take them to local mums groups,often held in church halls, they had a great time playing with all the other toddlers , could play with messy things that i was not so keen on them doing in my home!!! lol, and then home for lunch and they would normally play so nicely in the afternoon as had used up so much energy at the playgroup. i really miss going to these places now, My GC are past this age now ,but they still talk about the fun they had at these groups.

You are doing a fantastic job Nannynoo. Could you go to bed as well at eight pm even if you read in bed for a bit. Take care of yourself and remember you are doing a great job
Hugs xx

I am definitely on the ''knackered register'' lol as lots of you probably know my Grandson with Autism has lived with me for 2 years now...

I am not a good sleeper either and weekends and school hols are tough but I cannot bear to think about the alternative , so , yes every day at around 8pm when my weary body descends those stairs after putting him to bed I am often in a comatosed state and can just about MOVE let alone think about using the 'me time' to put some washing on or sort out his uniform etc and I find I have to do those things during the day otherwise come 8pm I am not in a fit state for anything , anyone or any planet apart from planet 'switch your brain & body off' but there is always something else to do and I have 3 local authority / school meetings next week 12 miles away and social worker home visits every fortnight plus contact with his Mum has been upped to 3 times a week so I do indeed have my work cut out and could actually do with a hug (sad) x

JackyB, what a great attitude you and dh have! I hope you have more opportunities to babysit your gc.

"Some of us have to do it too much, and others not enough. It's difficult to get it right so that parents and grandparents are equally satisfied with the time spent with the children."

Very true, imo!

Sounds like grumpy dil has issues within herself, too, bluebell. I'm so sorry. Maybe you just need to know in your mind that no matter what you do there are bound to be periods when you don't see those gc? Idk if that will help or not.

Time seems to be an issue with her. Can you make sure that any suggestion you make spans the time she prefers? It doesn't seem fair, I know. But maybe an extra hour or 2 is worth being able to have the gc?

TG you have such good relations with your dd and other dil! Perhaps better just to enjoy that and not get so "ill and anxious" (if you can help it) over the difficult dil?

I would love the chance to spend time with my grandchildren.

We visited DS2 with his girlfriend and daughter (DGD is just 2 and a half) last weekend and DH had been asked to stay on for the Monday and Tuesday to babysit. I had to return on the Sunday because I had to get back to work.

This gave DH a wonderful chance to "bond" with her. He even had to put her to bed because the young couple had tickets to go out that evening. She was as good as gold. "Rules" and "exhaustion" didn't come into it, as it was such a rare chance to be with her.

Next week we fly to America to visit the DGS. By coincidence, DS1 and wife are invited to a wedding a couple of days into our stay and have asked if they can leave the littl'un (nearly 3) with us. This, again, will be a very rare chance to spend time with him. Even if we do have to lie down afterwards.

Those are the only times so far that we have been able to babysit.

Some of us have to do it too much, and others not enough. It's difficult to get it right so that parents and grandparents are equally satisfied with the time spent with the children.

Thank you for you hugs Starlady,they help a lot. I think you've hit the nail on the head, they do have issues. My son tried to guilt trip me and I have nearly given in but I know this will happen time and time again so I need to stay strong and address this once and for all. One example a day visit to a farm had to be cancelled due to illness and so I'd told her I'd have a morning baking and then in the afternoon a visit to the park but the change did not go down well so she cancelled the GC coming to us. The explanation was because the GC would be coming home earlier than planned. I've been living like this for the last 4 years, we'd have a great few months, I'd be her best friend, then something wouldn't go her way so GC visit was cancelled. It has made me ill, and anxious, and sitting on edge when at thirs with my other children when visiting for their birthdays. Even when driving over to theirs I can feel the butterflies as not knowing what I am going to go into. My daughter's friends have children and obviously they're aware of the situation and I've asked them to be honest am I in the wrong etc etc and they've given me reassurance. One thing I think is that she is not as close to her mum like her sister is plus her mother lives in another country and when she is here she will help but then she gets fed up with helping and then goes to stay with the other daughter. My daughter and I have a great relationship and also with my other daughter in law so I just think she is jealous but we have all tried and I have tried so hard. When she has text me in the past I think is it a nice or nasty message and go into a little panic before I read it, it's like she enjoys turmoil and creating turmoil in our family. She thinks my daughter is spoilt but she is loved and we are there for each other. She could have the same relationships as we have with our daughter and other daughter in law.

More(((hugs))) bluebell.

It sounds as if there are issues going on between ds and dil. You may be catching the brunt of it through no fault of your own. So sorry if this is true.

It can't be fun to walk on those eggshells. But I think you're wise to do it if it means keeping ds and the gc in your life. Have you been able to discover any specific things that set dil off, so you people can avoid them? I hope so though I realize it's no guarantee of anything.

Thanks Starlady, for your input, I have tried inviting everyone around but my son and his family are the only ones who doesn't come and also when we have had birthday meals out he doesn't come. Regarding her moods, my son moved out at least 3 times, saying how moody she was and he was fed up with it and then she told him she was pregnant so they got back together. We already feel she doesn't want to be around our family, she always makes herself scarce when we are there. In fact I saw my son yesterday and he was feeling very depressed. we had a long chat and he said it's not easy for him. My son agreed that I have helped a lot in the last few years even staying over at theirs so they could go away for a weekend so she could attend a family birthday abroad. When she's not happy with one thing, she texts me the GC won't be coming to ours then we go through the same scenario every time, weeks without seeing the GC, this has gone on since she had her first child. I walk on egg shells around her and have asked the others to do the same but now I'm all cried out.

What a shame, bluebellinmygarden, that dil put a stop to your childminding just because you went on holiday for a while! Does she think she's the only one entitled to a break, now and then? At first reading, she sounds very selfish to me.

"His wife has always been grumpy and moody even before they had children."

This^^ seems key to me. Either she's uncomfortable interacting with others or, for some reason, just your family. As the old saying goes, "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear," so I don't think you and yours can expect too much from her, if that's any help.

"If my son visits he comes only with the GC, yet we say we'd love to see them together as a family and we are given what feels like an appointment time even when taking a birthday present... I've offered to babysit whilst she can go out and meet friends, although she doesn't keep friends, offered to take to and from preschool, for her and me to take the GC out but she never acknowledges these requests... When we used to take the GC home, she made herself scarce and my son took the GC and we left."

Yes, sounds like she's not interested in being around your family. I'm so sorry. You must feel totally snubbed sometimes. Please take some comfort in the fact that she doesn't try to stop you seeing ds and the gc.

I'm sorry, also, that she ignores your offers. Sounds like she's a stubborn person who wants exactly what she wants (once a week, 8-8)and nothing else. If I were you, Id take her silence as a "no" and stop offering - it's no use. But that's just me, of course.

"I'm just trying to keep my family together but probably trying too hard."

Yes, imo, you probably are, but I think that's very natural for a mum. Ds and his siblings are adults,however, aren't they? They can work out their own differences surely. Do you ever invite them over all at once? You can get them together that way, but you can't talk them into a closer relationship. If I were you (and I know I'm not), Id just enjoy my own relationship with each of them and my gc. Also, Id let go of any attempt to connect with grumpy dil on anything but a superficial basis.

(((Hugs)))

A purely practical point - are grans who are pre-retirement on top of their status re NI/
Pension contributions. Please don't leave it too late and find you're in a mess when you reach official retirement age.

I have looked after my 2 GC once a week from 8-8 which gave my son's wife a break as she has recently had another baby. I didn't have them for a few weeks as went on holiday which didn't go down too well with my son's wife even though they had known about it. When I asked to have the GC again, I was told didn't think you wanted them anymore so found other things for them to do. I was a bit upset by this but accepted her decision. Then my son started saying surely you remember how tiring it is as they're not getting a full nights sleep and that his wife was wanting time away from her children. He said the date when I last had them but it was his wife who had stopped me having them on the following week because they had had an argument. His wife has always been grumpy and moody even before they had children. So I offered to have them again but I said until tea time, so was at least 7 hours, but she wasn't happy with this and didn't want them back until 8, she said it wasn't worth getting everything ready for the short time.
We have never done anything together with them like grandparents do, she sees us as having them and not necessarily seeing them. If my son visits he comes only with the GC, yet we say we'd love to see them together as a family and we are given what feels like an appointment time even when taking a birthday present around whereas with our other children, we can turn up so the last few weeks I have just turned up at my sons. I've offered to babysit whilst she can go out and meet friends, although she doesn't keep friends, offered to take to and from preschool, for her and me to take the GC out but she never acknowledges these requests. When we used to take the GC home, she made herself scarce and my son took the GC and we left. You rarely feel welcome and my other children feel the same so it has been a strain on their relationship with their brother. Even when I go to their house I feel anxious and wonder what I will walk into. I am 57 and still work part time. I often thought was it me? I have several friends, and a fantastic relationship with my other children and their partners. My son does talk to me and we have a good relationship but this is a strain as I'm sure he thinks we are being selfish. The very recent thing is my son said no one is interested in me or visit me and he has not recognised any of his siblings achievements. He doesn't like anyone else's opinion but I have got him to understand everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it's something you should respect. I'm just trying to keep my family together but probably trying too hard.

MeAnge Hi there, Why dont you show your DD your post on here ? Maybe she just hasn't thought about how busy you are, remember she is a first time Mum so has no idea how much a little person takes over your every waking moment.
If you really want to help offer to do the ironing, make and freeze some meals and of course baby sitting now and then.
Your DD must be really tired just now, well that is how Grans feel after a full days childminding. We stop having children naturally in our 40's for a reason !