Daughter and I are not speaking

Oh no Starlady, that's not what I meant.

I don't think retirementisgreat should insist on an apology. And I don't think retirementisgreat did anything wrong. I doubt an apology will be forthcoming.

retirementisgreat said "I have not responded and resolved to wait until she apologises which probably won't happen. Should I make the first move - or wait for her to say sorry?

So, I posted "Given I see all sides to most of what's been posted, I don't understand insisting on an apology. Pushing on a wet noodle, trying to straighten it, never works, in my opinion.

Actually, it sounds as if she and sil have bitten off more than they can chew. But they can't expect to solve it by dumping all 5 kids on you once a month. I hope that in time they see that.

Norah, an apology for what? For daring to say the word "no?" For not agreeing to do whatever dd asks? For not taking 5 kids for a whole weekend once a month when she finds it too draining? For what?

By "she" I mean dd, of course. Unfortunately, she may have a very twisted view of what's going on here.

Are the girls hers from her previous marriage and the boys his or hers & his together? Could it be she (mistakenly, of course) thinks that you have something against sil or his kids? Or could she (mistakenly again) think that you favor girls over boys? It's weird that she asked you if you would take just the 3 girls and then got mad when you said yes. But maybe that was a "test" of some sort and she thinks she was "proved right" about "favoritism."

I'm so sorry about this. I agree with all the other responses, five children one weekend a month is too much to expect. Could you manage to come to some compromise - say a maximum of three at any one time for one night every couple of months? Try to ignore the fb comments, though they must have hurt you very much, and don't hold out for an apology. She definitely owes you one and I'd guess she knows it but don't let it come between you - be the bigger person! You're obviously a great Mum and Gran, she'll realise that, hopefully sooner rather than later. Good luck!

Join the club, my gd who we brought up for many years has just unfriended on fb me and husband after I told her a few home truths about her behavoiur towards us while still expecting us to help her out. But the difference is she is 21!

Do try to ignore her for as long as you can, retirementisgreat. She sounds like one of those daughters who'll start threatening to 'go no contact' because she hasn't got her own way. What a diva...

Unfriending her mother from FB ...childish, silly, pathetic!! Dear me , 5 children and a child herself. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh ...but really!!!

You should not care of the grandchildren if you do not feel able to. What if you were taken ill in the night, or some other emergency arose.

I am only in my early 60's but last year I fell from our bed and thought I had broken my knees. I lay on the floor for 20 minutes in complete agony with my knees swollen not knowing how to move. My husband was here but what would happen if this sort of thing happened to you and you had the children with you. You could hardly call your daughter from her weekend away to come and collect her five children from A&E. Your daughter needs to think about this sort of thing happening when she makes her demands.

My DD has now "Un friended" me from face book. She's shot herself in the foot I think.

I agree with latter comments. I would leave the channels open for communication. It would be easy to give in and have all five grandchildren but you have to put yourself and your own health first. Babies are such hard work. I think you're giving her a fair option, offering to have the 3 girls. Best of luck!

You have reached a time in your life when you deserve to look after yourself, do what you want. You want to spend time with your family to fit in with your time and energy levels. Your daughter sounds stressed out and over reacting. If she were my daughter I'd give her time to cool her heels then meet her for coffee somewhere on neutral grounds. Good luck.

This is bullying behaviour and if you give into it, you will keep on being bullied. I don't think it helps that you are texting each other as you can't get tone or inflection so things can be misjudged. If I were you, I'd give her time to realise how much she needs you and then try to meet up to discuss things or at the very least, make a phone call. At all costs don't loose your temper and if you get into difficulties just say you will consider what she has said and get back to her. If she was my daughter I would be telling her that I didn't feel that it would be fair on the children if she left them with somebody who was finding it difficult to cope. It's quite difficult to argue when its a question of safety.

Can I ask retirements great, are you frightened of your daughter?? She sounds dreadful and my opinion is, leave well alone, walk away. She will come running back to you, you are an asset to her. I wouldn't want her back in my life, shame about the little ones though.
Just try and enjoy your life with people that appreciate you, she obviously doesn't.

Retirementisgreat ( maybe not so great at the mo) it does sound rather like emotional blackmail ! I had 4 children but would never have asked my Mum to look after them all while I swanned off for the weekend . It is ridiculous to even expect it from you . I would not offer to have any GC overnight if it is too much for you as it would be for many of us . I can only safely do 1 at a time and even then am exhausted after . Very strange that all those other relatives are not in a position to help out , does she fall out with people who do not do her bidding ?

Teddy123...I completely agree with you..WELL SAID!!!!

She's behaving like a spoilt child stick to your guns and let her see she is in the wrong and taking advantage of you I think it's irresponsible of her to dump all of them overnight like that on you or anyone else

Given I see all sides to most of what's been posted, I don't understand insisting on an apology.

Pushing on a wet noodle, trying to straighten it, never works, in my opinion.

Hi
It's difficult wanting to help but being asked to do more than one can cope with as if it's an either or. One of my daughters is a single parent and desperately needs regular breaks for a rest in addition to regular childminding. I found that encouraging a wider support system has worked so for example if a weekend is requested I'll do part of the weekend even if it's the major part but also so gets that other family members can also join in. In the case of having the three girls can the boys go to their Dads or another friend or family member? Or if she's working can she pay for the additional childcare. Having a wider network, including paid babysitters available is also useful as a back up so if you're not well or something comes up it doesn't mean her weekend can't happen. Maybe it's worth acknowledging her need and then explaining your need and discuss possible solutions including how you feel able to contribute. It shouldn't all fall on one person.

The imposition is not so much the number of kids, but the duration of it...an entire weekend is a very long time (nothing short of abuse), for a single elderly person to manage one small child, let alone five.

This conflict will replay itself repeatedly going forward, every time she needs her monthly 'break'! So there is the potential here for more problems and more bad feelings. Best to put your foot down now...'rip off the bandage all at once' as they say. Decide on which and how many of the children you are able to manage together comfortably, and then choose which day and for how long. Going forward you need to set your own rules....rules that suit your life, not hers. She won't like it, but better she get over it sooner than later.

Does your DD have other close friends or relatives with as many kids? Perhaps they could swap an evening of child sitting so they could both get a break?

Sure....an afternoon or evening with her dear friends kids in tow (and her own) is no less a challenge, but a few hours is not an entire weekend, especially if both (Mom and Dad care sitters) plan a special activity for them. Two families would be rewarded with much coveted and perhaps more frequent breaks and at least one (justifiably tired) grandmother will be off the hook.

Despite what she says, underneath it al I am sure she does love her mother.
I have had heard such a lot of shocking made up stories about me from my son that I take no notice as I know that is not the son I know. He so often gets frustrated so takes it out on on his mum.

I don't think daughters acknowledge that their mum is getting older, and what that means. Mind you, I don't think I accepted my mum was getting older when she was the same age I am now. Good luck, don't give in, but do make the first move. Ring her

I have had a disagreement with my son since July and only see him when he drops off children off at the cinema which is when we are allowed to see grandchildren. We had abusive emails from him which I wish we had never responded to. Even though it was to tell him we love him. Now feel we are only allowed to see them if they let us.

What a horrid situation for you retirementisgreat. Your DD needs to realise that you are in the part of your life now where you need to make the very most of the years you have ahead, because after a certain age none of us knows how many of them will be left to us! My mother NEVER babysat for me! She wouldn't leave her husband alone for one evening, and my one child was allergic to her house so couldn't be left there. So for 17 years, I had no break! Your DD is extremely lucky! It is your time now. It doesn't mean that you don't love her or your grandchildren, but you are not going to see your life out as an unpaid childminder. Once every 2 or 3 months for a weekend (without the baby) would be better and you can build up your relationship with the grandchildren. And maybe for an extra day or an evening in between those sessions once a month. That would be more than enough and she should be really grateful that you do that. You are not selfish, she is. Don't do ultimatums though - they just breed stand-offs and make things worse. DDs these days are not as respectful or considerate as we were brought up to be. No reflection on the way we brought them up, just that their lifestyles are so different, especially with FB. My DD tends to over-react all the time. It's taken me some time to just ignore it and then she becomes sweetness and light again afterwards. She usually phones me when she wants something, otherwise it's just a text now and again - and I hate texts, they're so impersonal. But I now accept that this is the way things are! It is good that your DD trusts you and sad that the other GPs are not suitable for whatever reason; a loss to them and to the GChildren in the long run. You obviously love your GChildren and your DD. I suspect you've been too available for too long and are now taken for granted? Time to make some sensible changes to the arrangement. I do hope it all works out for you - stay strong but caring.

Your daughter and son in law have a strong sense of entitlement. Her children, she should look after then. She states she gets no help, she should not expect any. She chose to have children and so did get husband.I help out if I am asked but one at a time, I still work FT, so it has to be the weekends. Neither my son or daughter expect it and are always pleased I will do it.
I also disliked it when she hinted you are like her Father, no help, sorry but maybe he had the right idea. Please do not contact her, and let the situation settle, but make it clear you want a apology and no repeat of this behaviour again.