Daughter and I are not speaking

hildajj, your daughter certainly has her work cut out home-schooling four kids but I don't think that gives her an excise to rant at you. I say that with confidence because my sister was in a similar position (with similar extra problems) and she didn't hit out at others. Admittedly, her husband did not work away for long periods but he was another stress-adding problem for different reasons.

From what you say, it sounds as if your DD thinks you owe her your time and assistance. You don't. Having four kids and home-schooling them in spite of the absence of her husband for long stretches were her choices. She should be grateful for what help you do give her (and I know you and your husband do give plenty of support) and she should show it by, at least, remaining pleasant towards you however stressed she's feeling. This thread and previous ones have hinted that she takes the stress out on you, which is not really on, since you are not the cause of it.

I do hope she finds ways of coping with the demands on her time and energy amd I hope that she stops ranting at you

Sorry, Norah, I misread.

"hildajenniJ* Gosh your DD has her work cut out for her with three children with ASDs. I admire her energy in deciding to home school them, that is a hard call for anyone but for a parent with 3 children with special needs it will be tough.
I expect she was at the end of her tether and hearing your remark, out of context, I can see why it might have been the last straw for her!

But I also empathise with you. Why is your DH not offering to help too??

I reckon the very best support you can give is to find out how she can get respite / extra help on a regular basis locally. Then when you do go to visit (when you choose!) hopefully it will be a less stressful time for everyone.

hildajenniJ you are not alone! I get really annoyed when someone says 'by the way I told so and so that you would help out (stay over; go shopping; visit) you don't mind do you?' Too bad if I do mind isn't it! Too late!

It sends me in to a rage! What right has anyone to speak on my behalf? OH soon learnt not to do it, but it still happens then I blow my top!

Before this thread is closed, I would like to extend my best wishes to all those who are struggling with children who have Autism or Asperger syndrome. Life can be very hard at the best of times but when something like this happens it makes things all that much harder. These children can be a handful, let's face it, so can any child, but when this happens out of the blue, I do not know how you cope. I really, really admire you. Your are doing an amazing job!

Thank you everyone for your brilliant advice which has helped enormously. I shall end this thread at the end of today.

hildajenniJ I shall be thinking of you on Sunday and hope it goes well for you.

Thank you ladies. I've had the conversation with DH already and he knows he should ask me first about visiting. I usually stay for three nights when I go. DD hasn't been in touch yet, I'm giving her a cooling off period. We are all going to the Allergy and gluten free show at the SECC on Sunday so I might manage to speak to her then.

My goodness HildajenniJ my heart goes out to both you and your DD - she's certainly got her hands full and doing it all on her own makes it so much more difficult. I think your DH should have consulted with you before making any arrangements on your behalf - unless that is usual practice. I'm sure your DD appreciates what you do for her but it is easily forgotten when very stressed.
My DD has now rung me and we have had a long conversation. I have pointed out the problems I have with looking after 5 children overnight but agreed that on very special occasions I will have them all. I think she is looking forward to going away with her OH - in August!

Weep all you want, Hilda! It can help get the frustration out!

I'm not sure if you're mostly upset about dd's reaction what you said, her taking you and dh for granted, or your financial concerns. I think you can chalk the first up to dd's bad day. She was in a bad mood when she heard your comment and so, it set her off. That's all. I think you need to talk to dh, however, about telling her he has to check with you next time.

As for her taking you for granted, I'd like to think that underneath she really appreciates you very much. She's probably too caught up in all the demands of her life to take time to show it. All her dss having special needs and sil away a lot - it must be very hard for her. That doesn't mean she should take advantage of your two, of course, but if she tries, it's most likely out of desperation.

About supporting them - I admit, I don't know how you can let her know you can't help out as much that way. Maybe it's time for her to find a good school program for her kids and get a job. The program may give her boys benefits she can't. Also, it would give her a break from them and their problems, as well as more money in her pocket. I admire her for being able to homeschool 3 (or is it more?) boys w/ special needs. But now it may be time for a change. I don't know if you can say that to her, however, might just start a row.

Feeling so sad for you hilda we have all read over time how much you support that family. You are allowed to feel like weeping and very much unappreciated.

I'm in a similar situation. Yesterday my DD took her children to a wood to meet up with the Home Ed. group she is involved with. Unbeknownst to me she had a horrendous time, as one son ran away (he has Asperger syndrome), and another son tried to destroy a bench (he has autism). My husband phoned her in the evening to let her know about arrangements for Sunday as we are all going to an Allergy and food thing on at the SECC. He then started to arrange a visit for me to stay with them for a few days, and I made a remark about my life being arranged for me. She overheard and hung up. I didn't mean anything by it, but she refused to answer the phone after that. Later in the evening I received a long message from her telling me of how terrible her day had been, and saying that I'm obviously not interested in them as I never offer to help. Honestly, I've been there at least four times since Christmas. She expects me to come running whenever she needs help. My SiL works at sea, and is away for months at a time. She has a daughter and three sons. My DGS's all have autism and can be volatile and difficult, but they can also be the most lovely boys. They are a single income family as she home educated the children. We have helped with buying clothes and sometimes food for them, but this is never taken into consideration. I'm fully retired now, and my DH is retiring in May as he will be 66. I'm 65 and have an arthritic knee and hip. My daughter takes us for granted. How can I make her understand that we cannot keep supporting them as we have done in the past? I could sit and weep, but that would do no good at all.
Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I needed to get this off my chest!

Just in case anyone wonders - I didn't jump in with telling DD that I wasn't happy with her message as soon as we began speaking. I told her I was worried about her and asked if she wanted to talk. DD asked why I was offering help now when I never give her any support. I had already said in the text that as always I will help where I can. I told her comparing me to her DF was unfair and she said not really. I said it had hurt my feelings and she put the phone down. I know that DD can't take any sort of criticism but I thought it necessary to tell her how hurtful she had been. I'm going to try not to think about it too much now - I've contacted DD against my better judgement and will try and sit it out until she needs me.

Not directly relevant but Carole - what makes modern mothers different to you? You say that they have too many children and don't know how to parent but you managed to bring up 5 children. Why do you think modern mothers fail where you succeeded? It can't just be access to a washing machine...

Hello retirementisgreat, Excellent advice already given from Gransnetters. Just my thoughts having read your last post.
You've tried to arrange to go to see your daughter and she didn't want to see you.... so why not let just things lie for a while? As someone else said "Let the dust settle".
All this palaver must be very upsetting for you. Can you give yourself a little break, go away if only for a couple of days for a rest?
If I were you I would unsubscribe from Facebook and I would not send text messages to your daughter.I think a face to face discussion will be needed when she is ready.
When you've decided how much help you want to offer, if any, how about suggesting your daughter and her husband get a baby-sitter and the 3 of you go out and discuss things over a drink or a meal somewhere. I am thinking a public place best and also you mentioned SIL is the peace maker.
Slap a smile on your face, appear calm, don't criticize, offer what help you are willing to give and stick to your guns.
Above all please don't bite off more than you can chew.
Good luck.

For those who have suggested that pressure is coming from SiL - not so. He tries his best to keep the peace. DD was back on Facebook sounding at her wits end. I tried to phone then text. She eventually rang when I told her how worried I was about her. She told me I gave her no support and put the phone down when I told her I wasn't happy with her previous message. Tried to arrange with SiL for me to go over and talk to her but she told him she didn't want to see me. I tried.

Just an idea....could you not copy and paste these replies and send them to your daughter via email? It might make her see sense. She has blocked you from defending yourself on Facebook. Make her look again at what she is demanding from you and allow her to see what the response is from other Mothers.

I am not speaking to my only daughter who has been hurtful and selfish. I put up with all the comments for so long and then decided enough. I told her the door was always open in case she is in trouble but I want an apology. That was 16 months ago. As a result of that I am not allowed to see my only GC. It's a dreadful situation but I am refuse to be used and live with the lack of respect. Hold your ground, if it works out life will be better in future as you will be appreciated and respect will be a two way street.
Thinking of you as I know how horrible this can be x

Would also like to say, I brought up 5 children on my own after divorce. Had no help from father as part of my punishment for divorce,,,, Children suffered so I was mum and dad to them all. Children were all loved the same but my eldest is just off the wall!
The reason a lot of mothers are under "pressure" is because they have too many children and have no idea how to parent them. Instead of spending that time on Facebook she spent doing things with or for her children she'd be happier and so would the children.
Technology is the modern mothers downfall, i'd love them to have to do their washing with a dolly tub and ringer lol.. Keep your chin up and make sure you don't buckle under her pressure on you xx

Hello love,
I hear what you are saying and I sympathise. My daughter has also made clear declarations to all her friends that I have done nothing to support her and I have not seen my 5 grandchild in 6 years now. All false and her brother and sisters are disgusted with her unsupported accusations. She has torn our family apart.
I basically told her that I was her mother and not the grand childrens and that after working 12 hour shift work, nights and days,, I would appreciate not to be demanded on to run around after her and for her to face up to her responsibilities as she didn't work and had the time.
I miss my grand children everyday, hoping that when they get older they will see what happened because of selfishness and lies.
I am prepared to forfeit my contact because my life would not be my own if I took the she was saying and doing.
This is a long and complicated story and stems from my daughter thinking that she had a given right to party every weekend because she had children all week..
Don't give in, don't wait for an apology,, take control of the situation and tell her what you are going to offer and stick to it, as a mother you have done your best to bring up a sensible daughter i'm sure but she sounds immature and demanding. Put your foot down,, she WILL need you before you need her.. Meanwhile enjoy yourself and do something for you .. Good luck xx

I think our children just do not understand we are getting older and do not have the energy we used to have an find it unbelievable that your daughter could even think of asking you to look after 5 children at once, we never got a weekend break when our 2 children were little and never expected to .Can you daughter not join or set up a babysitting group with her friends it works on a token system ,you would have to babysit for friends children and then they babysit for your children ,but this would only be for the evening or sometime during the day, I know this is not a weekend break but I am afraid you have to compromise until they get older,that is the joys of children.please look after yourself and do what you are comfortable with,sending you a hug and hope she apologises soon xx

I think the sil is putting pressure on the daughter for you to take the children, afterall the text came late at night, maybe after a heated discussion. I still can'telieve there is no one on his side of the family who could help our or has he fallen out with all of them?

I think it is weird that young adults live their lives through their 'friends' on Facebook. Why do they talk to them as though they knew who they were and why discuss private personal things on Facebook where everyone in the whole world can see what they are writing.

What makes a young mother think that if she tries to destroy her Mother's reputation via Facebook it will get her what ever it is that she wants?

I just do not understand this at all.

Does her OH have a Mother who is willing to take the children one weekend a month too? That means two weekends free to go and do their own thing doesn't it? What luxury!

How awful that your daughter was so thoughtless as to vent her anger on Facebook! Not fair at all. She is trying to blackmail you in to having the children. Do not give in to blackmail or it will get worse.

Surely she should realise that if she cannot cope you cannot either. They are her children after all and if she finds she cannot manage she should get a child minder as I had to. It isn't rocket science. If they can afford to take themselves off for a weekend they can afford to pay for help.

Not speaking will not get you anywhere though. What she needs to realise is that 5 children are too much for you, but 3 children at one time and 2 children at another would be fine. It is your daughter who isn't being fair here, no doubt encouraged by her other half. It isn't that you have refused to have them point blank is it?

With 5 children I think anyone would be feeling worn out. Tell her you love her and the children, but you cannot manage 5 children at a time, so you are happy to find another solution.

Could the pressure to have a break be coming from the daughter's husband? Could he be saying "why can't your mum have them?" Seems a great shame to risk a rift with her mum over this. I would suggest writing your daughter a loving old fashioned letter, explaining why having them all at once every month is just too much, and that you are sorry this has caused such trouble. My mother would never have my 3 in her own, she said "you've made your bed, now lie on it". (mother-in-law was an alcoholic, my sister was bipolar so no help there either!).

WOman is obviously under stress and taking out on you. I'm afraid the reality is that caring for 5 children is an enormous responsibility for anyone and takes a lot of energy as she so apprently proves. For her sake and yours i'd put the children first. Take one every week and give it stress free undivided attention. She will have to use money for a weekend away for a cleaner. Please let us know you are communicating again. She has put unfair pressure on you and not accepting she is stressed. Please contact and say you understand pressures but you haven't energy to take all 5 and that as they must come first you would look at another way to support the family!!!!!! Only suggestion. I have 2 grandsons and give one day each. That commitment was agreed.