Estrangement - a living bereavement

Morning Solujak So sorry to hear of your heartache. Only 6 weeks, do everything in your power to get back now, I did but without success, when the partner of your AC wants you out of their lives, once out it's hard to get back in, but the first weeks/months is where it's still possible.

Yes I went to court, wouldn't recommend it, I regret it. Went 3 times, first they didn't show, second they contested, third my app for visitation rights were thrown out, in other words, I didn't get permission to go to court to get the visitation order. And my GD [&D] lived with me before her now stepdad came on the scene, so he is not even her real dad!

Even if you got the order, they can say on the visiting day that GC is ill, on holiday, school trip, doesn't want to see you, car broke down and on....
Best of luck

Hi everyone, I to am living this hell! I adore my grandchildren, I picked them up from school twice a week, had sleepovers, went to hospital appointments, did whatever my daughter in law asked of me. After a falling out, I have been banned from seeing my grandchildren. It's been six weeks now, and I cry most days.
My question to you all, have any of you tried the legal route, to get to see the kids we adore?

PennieDJ please talk to someone who can help you. Give the Samaritans a call. 116 123,

Pennie I get the same thoughts. Especially the first 18mnths. I still get them now, just thoughts, but then sometimes, around Birthday times & Xmas and when rotten things are said to us on these forums of support by heartless GM not in our situation with zero understanding or sympathy! No one should be put in such a state of mind, especially by their once loved ones
You have to just think that if you went ahead with it, then you would never see them again, would you. When I walk in the park and hear the birds singing, look at the blue skies, look at the birds flying in the skies doing their dance, I think if I had done away with myself, I wouldn't be seeing all this beauty now

Omg, Pennie, no! Please don't think that! Someday your son may reach out again or your gc, when older, might seek you out. You need to be here if/when that happens.

This is all so painful and such a waste of positive emotions which are natural sometimes I think death would be better x

But then I should add that all my GD's family have been 'cut out' everyone that loved and adored her and that she loved and adored back, so therefore just as s.i.l would have it, his son being the actual GC would naturally be made more of a fuss of than my GD being the stepchild/grandchild

Pennie Think we all feel the same on here. I have just got back from the park, walking my little Westie and of course all the families, all the GPs with their GC . I am feeling especially sad today, as it is my darling little GD's birthday tomorrow, she will be 7yrs old, I last saw her when she was 2.5yrs. Instead of 4.5yrs of happiness & joy watching my beloved GD grow up & my GS, it's been 4.5yrs of sorrow & grieving It makes it worse knowing that even if we were to reunited tomorrow, the special bond I had with her is gone, forever
My ND & I worry so much about how she is being treated by her stepdad & his mother. On my GD 2nd birthday I went round in the morning, you would never have known it was a little ones birthday, no presents, no cards, no cake, no buntin! All of this I brought with me, I asked my D why and she said 'Oh, we are waiting till J get's home'. After work being about 6pm and nearly her bedtime !! and then she said we are celebrating weekend after next when it's J's[my GS] birthday and doing it all together but that would be 12 days after her birthday! They did have a big pirates birthday party as that was J's [my GS] favourite at the time, but nothing for my GD, as I remember. I just hope we are wrong, but we have suspicions that he may have changed her birth date, just like he changed her name, as last year around the time of his son's birthday, 12 days later, there were lot's of happy birthday messages to my GD on his FB page under a pic of her & him. So we have to wait for this year to see if it happens again! He [s.i.l] would do that, just so it's more convenient and also, so that my GD doesn't get all the fuss and celebrations before his Son! I love my GS just as much, it's not his doing at all of course, but his dads.

I have very bad days some Sundays I always imagine other are seeing there families and I am the only one in the world without my family. But I have leaned differently now. It is what to do with the grieving and pain.

Thanks for all the encouragement Penniedj

is so destructive Ananke. I used to feel our EDIL's eyes burning into me when ever I was holding our first GC. She used to make Mr. S. feel so uncomfortable that he didn't like holding him anymore when she was around.

The same thing would happen, but less intensely, when I was interacting with our ES before we were cut out. What they don't seem to understand is that in many instances jealousy ends up destroying the very thing it covets.

I had never considered the jealousy aspect before. It was brought to my attention by two unrelated friends recently. Apparently it was totally obvious when I'd be playing or cuddling with my DGD in her presence and was written all over her face. There was serious jealousy in other areas of our relationship but I would never have thought that someone could feel that way about their child being loved.

Kaimgen Most of the grans [cut out or not] on here have signed the petitions for GP's rights to see their beloved GC, Starlady is not estranged so does not understand even, with being a main poster on these support threads for cut out grans. It stands to reason that the courts would not allowed bad GP the rights and madness to say they would, the law brought in would cover that.

Pennie I replied on another page to you

PenneDJ, so deeply sorry for your loss of dh (dear husband) and now this on top of it. You are a wise and strong woman not to give in to blackmail, imo. But I understand you still miss your son and gs. You will find much support here. (((Hugs)))

I think I saw this same petition elsewhere on GN, kaimegan. Didn't sign it then and won't now. Too broad. Doesn't protect kids from cruel or abusive gps. Doesn't allow parents to shield their families from gps who would bad-mouth the parents and damage the parent-child relationship, etc.

I feel so deeply for estranged gps. But not all of them are misunderstood angels. Can't sign this. Sorry.

I meant to type I am suffering from a great loss of 'not' seeing my son ...... Typo !

I am suffering from a great loss of seeing my son and my grandson. This has been going on for 6 years and I constantly feel a great pain in my heart. My husband died nearly 8 year's ago and I have felt very alone with my son trying to blackmail me for money. I am told that if I will help them with money then I can have everything I want i.e. my family, my grandson etc etc. I am not going to give into this blackmail but still have to live with the pain in my heart. I just hope and pray that one day this will come to an end and my son can see sense. It is never made easier seeing all my friend around me seeing their families. I am learning through this forum that I am not alone. Thank you.

As a group with the same problems we are actually taking action. We have a petition to change the law, but we need 100,000 signatures on our petition by September 2017. This is to change the law in Parliament. Please look on petition.parliament.uk/petitions/188381.
We have passed the first 1,000 signatures - only 999,000 more to go! But if enough of us try we can do this.
If you want to contact me I can send you the leaflets we are distributing.

Good idea Jam and good luck. Hope you had a lovely lunch with your sister. xx

Thank you all for sharing your stories and helpful suggestions. l purchased two notebooks yesterday so that l can write to my absent GD and GS; l want them to know how much l love them and that it wasn't my choice not to see them. I will be mindful not to criticise my DS and DiL but to write about myself and my husband so that they will feel they know us and will have shared some of our life. My biggest fear is that this estrangement will go on for years and I'll die without seeing/meeting them. On a lighter note I'm off out today meeting my sister for lunch and maybe some good old retail therapy

norah the adult children are the parents of the grandchildren...so ofcourse the relationship between their children and the parents might affect them ...but it doesn't have to be in a negative way or perceived in a negative way. I was thrilled by the close relationship my children had with their grandparents and never felt threatened by it or jealous. However it seems that some AC do not necessarily view their own children's close bond with the Gps in a positive way ...which is sad for them, their children and the GPs

I recall from a previous thread that you have children from 2 different generations ....and you talked about the differences in approach across the generations. Our of interest are the CO from MILs DDs all from the same generation or different generations?

Madgran77 "AC being jealous of the special bond that develops ...I wish I could understand how that happens." I do think it's a mystery why an ac might be jealous of a relationship that didn't effect themself. One of my sister feels perceived jealousy from her dd about some gc. So odd, that.

nina your point about AC being jealous of the special bond that develops ...I wish I could understand how that happens. I absolutely loved the fact that my kids had a bond with their GPs ...its a different relationship, teaches them about wider relationships, about older generations ....just so much really. I worry that my DIL shows signs of some jealousy of my relationship with 2 GCs and work very hard to avoid provoking that ...! What does strike me though is that AC sometimes seem to not realise that if they want GPs to help with childcare (we look after ours one day a week-which we enjoy, and they sometimes say with us) then an inevitable consequence is the deepening of the relationship! Its no good then being jealous of it!
I hope my comments which highlight how I am so lucky not to be CO are not hurtful to others on this thread ....that is most definitely not the intention .....as I have said previously, I worry about being CO at times, and also I have such sympathy for people in that position.

Oh, Jam and allatsea, sorry to hear that those photos hurt so much. ((Hugs)))

Glad you shared that though, not just for yourselves but so I'll know never to give/send any such pictures to my dear friends who are co (if I were to come across any such photos). Or, at least, I would ask them first if they would like to see/have them.

Allatsea, just went back and read your story. As I said to Naina about her dil, I think dd must have decided that she was leaving gc with you too much. So very sorry, but I think it says more about her than you. Hopefully, this rift will ease as she becomes more secure in her relationship with gc. Good luck!

Chimera, imo, your dds are being unrealistic - but perhaps so are you. There's no guarantee that they will get any "inheritance" if you pass before your younger husband. Even if he writes a will now saying he'll leave everything to them when he's gone, he could change that when you're not here or just go through it all, himself. And he very well might do either or both if they continue to show their disapproval in this way.

Why not give them each a lump sum now or put funds just in trust for them, if you can? Then you can leave the rest to dh without worry (I hope).

Meanwhile, glad you got such a nice message from ydd. Maybe things ARE going to "thaw out," at least with her. Good luck!

Naina, I suspect dil decided that she was leaving the kids with you too often and wanted to strengthen her own bond with them. Sad that you got hurt in the process. Glad that things are better now.

Good to see that some of you still see or hear from your gc even if not as much as desired. Strained relations (with the parents) are hard, but not as bad as total co, surely?