Difficult granddaughter

I think this is normal behaviour, bet she becomes a lovely young woman, but it us a testing time. Unless you are asked for help I wouldn't get involved, she will have the vaccination because all her friends will. It is a very testing time those teenage years.

we found that whhen our daughter wanted to either go somewhere we weren't sure about or to have something we didn't think was a great idea we would tell her we'd "think about it and get back to her" by the time we'd made enquiries ,one time of the local police about a Rave she wanted to go to ( she was 14) she'd usually gone off the idea and we escaped the arguement that could have happened if we;d said NO outright .As it happens we took the advice of that police sergeant and were allowing her to go,with conditions,but she said Oh I've changed my mind ,Teenage girls are a minnefield of worriies and problems .I wish your DD a safe journey through it

Grandmac, why not buy your daughter 'How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen to Kids so Kids will Talk' by Faber and Mazlish. Paperback or Kindle, one of the best £8 you will ever spend. Good luck!

I have worked my way through three teen- age girls, one daughter and two granddaughters. IMHO they do grow out of it, although it can be very trying at times.My daughter was an horrendous teenager but she is now my best friend, a wonderful wife and a doting mother of three.
My advice, for what it is worth, is be there when she wants to talk, try not to be too judgemental, don't give into all of her demands, especially for expensive haircuts, she may be thirteen but she is still a child, and last but by no means least, love her, this one might be a bit difficult at times but well worth the effort.

My son was a nightmare in his teenage years and my DH and I had no idea whether he would pull through it or end up in some situation we could not put right or on the streets. We certainly couldn't see anyone employing him. At 28 he is an employed graduate and as nice as pie.

We gritted our teeth, stuck to our guns as to what was acceptable and what wasn't and kept on from day to day. Our most frequent comment to each other then was, 'two steps forward, one step back.'

My sympathies are with your DD as she is being abused by the DGD. Your DD needs support and the rebelling young lady needs to know that everyone is onside with her mother and the adult world. Teenagers cannot be allowed to bully their parents.

Speaking to a friend today, she remembers being 15 and telling her mother -"I know everything, Mum."
She can hardly believe now that she thought that.

With regards to being the parent of a Teenager whose hormones are all over the place :

You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.?

I can speak from experience because I was that teenager, and I can remember those times so well. All I know is that however hard I tested my Mum, I still wanted her to be there for me.

My mum had a wonderful saying
"No audience, no performance"

Bluebe11 That was a brilliant post. I am going to file it away for when our DGD gets older. I'm going to be almost 80 when she turns 13, and am sure her mum and she will clash, just as DIL clashed with her mum, and in a hissy fit dashed out at 16 and got a HUGE tattoo on her shoulder blade area. Oh how she regrets it now and understands why her mum freaked out as tattoos that size are for ever.

Her mum is a great support to her now and they try to meet up for weekends as she lives in Germany.

My daughter was an absolute horror from about 13 to 16, often reducing me to tears. Her anger was always aimed at me. Now in her mid 40's she is the most thoughtful, loving and caring daughter. I once mentioned her youthful behaviour and she got quite tearful and kept apologising.
On the subject of the vaccination, I was on the verge of cervical cancer in my early 30's, picked up by a routine smear luckily. The cause was the HP virus. I would always urge mothers to encourage daughters to have the vaccination. I ended up having a full hysterectomy, but luckily I am still here.

Both your Dd and Gd need kindness and love to get through these difficult years. Your Gd sounds entirely normal and to some extent I agree with the person who said "ignore" the bad behaviour. I would ignore the "sound" of texts, they always sound worse particularly if you are expecting them to be bad. If there is a confrontation to say very calmly, "Let's discuss this when we are both feeling calmer." If you're daughter shouts or argues forcefully, things will just escalate. It is a really difficult time for both of them but your DD must try not to take things too personally but to remember that one of the reasons your GD feels she can behave badly towards her (but not teachers, etc) is because she feels comfortable with her Mum. She probably has to hold all her negativity in all day and it has to come out somewhere. Fitting in as so important to teenagers, particularly girls, and that is a struggle for her too. Your DD just needs to hold on to the fact that things will get better and she is helping her DD to navigate her emotions. As for you getting involved, it will make your DGD feel that all her trusted adults are 'against' her which would not be good.

Bluebe11 Thank you. I do agree with you. I think maybe it's my DD I need to talk to! I have sort of said it before but perhaps I'll repeat it a little sterner this time.

Sounds like a classic Street angel house devil to coin an old Irish phrase.
Teenagers can turn on the ones they love the most as they trust them enough to do so.
This information is no consolation when your teen is angry and saying things that are hurtful.
I had to work for anything I wanted at that age but I'm not sure of the legal working age now?? If mum is providing 'everything ' then I would be suggesting dgd should be doing something to earn expensive haircuts and latest fashion accessories.
I would be wary of getting involved unless dgd wants advice. Sounds like you are already supporting your daughter as best you can.
With regards to the hpv jabs I think they're a great idea personally, I know somebody who has the hpv virus and it's not great ?

Thank you everybody. I knew i would get good advice from gransnetters.

Elegran thank you for the comparison. I hadn't seen that one. There was never any doubt that she would have the vaccine as the benefits far outweigh the possible side effects, but I thought it better to tell my daughter what I had found.

I am visiting them next weekend so will see how she is then. But when I'm around she is always just lovely!
Thank you all.

My daughter is now going through this with her youngest and it's a trying time. But I reminded her that 3 years ago her eldest daughter was just the same. It is normal, frustrating and heartbreaking for the parents, but yes they do grow through it.

Above all, reassure your GD that she is not a nasty person - she is just a typical teenager, coping with new hormones & learning to grow up. She will get through the phase successfully. Don't let the unkind words get to either you or your DD. No criticism, just offer alternative words and lots of love in spite of the prickles.

The general consensus seems to be to love her through it all and "hold the end of the rope" (love that!). If you seem to be taking your DD's side you may alienate your DGD so try to stay neutral and she may come and talk to you. IMO your DD seems to be doing her very best. I believe, like others, that you will all come through this. But a lot of patience will be needed ... All the very best.

Oh I remember well my niece's relationship with her mother at 13. Her hormones were raging and totally affected her behaviour. Before then they had an amazing mother/daughter relationship, then suddenly it all changed. Hormones are weird things and some are affected more than others.

But even more importantly, their brains are actually physically reorganising in preparation for physical maturity. There interesting information out there. Below is a sample of sources. Googling will result in more. Unfortunately the NHS site concentrates on physical issues like periods, becoming sexual active mostly.

This is an excerpt from the first link:

With the lower-to-higher remodelling of the brain, the frontal cortex – the part of the brain that exerts a calming, rational influence – doesn’t come fully online until adulthood. This means that limbic system reactions outstrip frontal cortex controls. Put simply, intense emotions burst through and introduce you, and your daughter, to a new period of emotional upheaval.

www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/drama-queens-whats-really-going-on-in-a-teenage-girls-head/article28549947/

www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-adolescent-brain-beyond-raging-hormones

www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=the-growing-child-adolescent-13-to-18-years-90-P02175

www.copingskills4kids.net/Home_Page.html

This is a subject that is of interest to me as I am studying cognitive archaeology which is about the development of prehistoric people and their brain anatomy, particularly about Neanderthals.

reading your story I can see why she wants the injection because her friends are having it done and probably all the class. She doesn't want to be the odd one out.
The behaviour situation to her Mum is sadly the usual norm. My gd lives with us she has always been difficult, most of it is aimed at me and my h.
Don't think that she is alone your d she isint there are so many young girls like that. Ours it'd is now 16 and about to start her GCSEs.

Grandmac....it sounds like you have a good relationship with your granddaughter so maybe a little confidential heart to heart talk with her would help. My granddaughter is just out of her teens and we had and still have our little chats together. This vaccine was,nt around when your daughter was this age so she is probably viewing it without thinking long term. It may sound to some people that this could encourage promiscuity, but in the long term it could be a life saver. Most teenagers have strops quite regularly as part of growing up and being hormonal. Guess your granddaughter feels she will be the "odd one out" if she does"nt have it whereas your daughter is thinking from a different viewpoint. Maybe a separate chat with each to start with followed by the three of you together ( you calming things down and being the rational one!)

Raging hormones! Typical 13 year old in general. I was a bit like it, my son was definitely like it until he was 15 or 16....couldn't want for a better son now however. I agree with Luckygirl, her mother needs to go with the flow but of course not to her detriment. With the best will in the world, stay out of it.

She may have seen her mother's opinion on the vaccination as being unsupportive. People can be nervous about having them and she may have touched a nerve.
13 is a difficult time as others have said. Apart from being a listening ear if your granddaughter wants one (sometimes parents just can't be that however well meaning they are) I think you just have to ride it out.

I was an awful teenager and argued constantly (and this when adult discipline was total!) I realised much later that much of it was hormonal. Is your GD worse at certain times of the month? Keep a record of how often the outbursts are and if they get worse at certain times. I also wonder if there are problems between your DD and SIL, my mum and dad were having problems when I was a teenager and I took my mum's side so tended to argue mostly with my dad. She will get through it and become a caring adult.

Is this your first teenage grandchild? My lovely granddaughter changed overnight at thirteen into something horrible then changed back again when she hit seventeen. Just hold the other end of the rope. She laughs now about how we could put up with her.

No, you should not get involved, your daughter must deal with this, as she is actually being bullied by her own daughter and must show some strength. My daughter was awful aged 13 to 15, worse than her older brothers, so I know the scenario. Your daughter is enabling her daughter to behave like this by continuing to treat her and give her what she wants. We all love our kids unconditionally and want them to be happy but there are basic lessons in life that she needs to learn, despite going thro teenage hormones etc She knows right from wrong but is choosing to ignore it, so she needs some tough love. If she won't talk, she should send her daughter an email spelling out how it's going to be from here onwards, bad language and behaviour will have consequences and pocket money, clothes money etc will be withdrawn. She should also tell her just how much pain she is causing. I have 3 kids, 5 grandkids, have worked with young offenders for 15 years and in a senior school for 5. It's very difficult, but to continually give in to them just exacerbates issues and teaches them nothing. Decency and manners are life skills we need wherever we go.