Not being allowed to be a grandparent

Woops - meant her to have a close relationship with me.

As usual there are quite a few on here keen to castigate the OP for daring to suggest she would like things to be somewhat different. With most of my grandchildren I have always had a great relationship, mainly due to the attitude of their parents. With two it was difficult due to their mother always pushing them towards her mother, but now she and my son are divorced it has become easier, especially as her mother is now dead.

As for children being less attached to their grandmothers as they get older this is frequently not true. My eldest grandson is 26 and has just completed 4 years at university doing Japanese studies. He spent many hours with me discussing this before he went, always kept in touch whilst in Japan and came to see me on Saturday afternoon despite only finishing uni on Friday. My daughter tells me that all her boys think I am wonderful, though I know I'm nothing special, and she is more than happy to encourage this. My youngest granddaughter is 8 and her parents have always been happy for her to have a close relationship with her.

I wish there was some useful advice I could give, but I do think this situation is best tackled by an honest conversation with your daughter, whilst praising her parenting.

Is this your daughter's only child? Could it not be that, actually, she'd like to hold his hand. Perhaps she knows that he is growing up quickly and like you just can't get enough if him! He's her child and she enjoys being with him. If she works, her time with him is probably fairly limited, especially if he is at school.

My daughter has just had her 3rd child and knows it will be her last. She loves everything about being a mum. I've spent a lot of time with her and the baby because she has been ill but I always make sure I ask before I do anything for the baby. 'Do you want me to change her nappy' ' should I bath her tonight because you're feeling awful' sometimes she says yes and sometimes she says no, it's nothing to do with her relationship with me, it's her relationship with her baby she's focusing on. I've had my babies, now it's her time.

This isn't a criticism of you, we all adore our grandchildren but just like we had to with our children, we have to realise we don't own them!

I think there are some harsh posts I can't imagine never holding my gr andkuds hands or having them basically crawl all over me It all sounds a bit controlling and clinical and worrying that the little chap is now feeling he can't be tactile with you

It sounds as if you daughter doesn't want you to get too close is she insecure or is she maybe jealous if he runs to you and not her? I can't imagine not buying my grandkids things when they were little that was all part of the fun an ice cream here or a colouring book there it all sounds very formal and not at all carefree and fun it should be fun being a Nan and being a grandkid

Agree with Henetha, for one thing grandchildren get bigger and believe me they will have their own lives.

I confess I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this had already been said.Could your DD feel a bit pushed out by her DS? Perhaps she needs reassurance that you want to see her too
Good luck.

It's easy to get things out of proportion when we are feeling a bit down, isn't it, and you are obviously depressed about this . Certainly the not holding hands thing seems ridiculous, but otherwise I think you are quite lucky actually. As other posters have pointed out, you see him far more than some grandparents see theirs.
My opinion will probably not be popular, but I honestly think some grandparents expect too much. W have raised our own children, and I doubt very much if most of us allowed our parents to dictate how we raised them.
It is wonderful to be a grandparent, an absolute bonus in life, but they are not our children. They should never be the be all and end all of our lives. Far better surely to make a life of our own with friends and activities and then regard our grandchildren as the icing on the cake, to be enjoyed as and when it suits the parents. I know there are exceptions to this, and some parents need child minding and baby sitting from the grandparents,- and that should never be taken for granted either,- but generally speaking just take a little step back and live your own life first. There is a whole world out there.
But I do sympathise, Isabelle, and hope it all works out satisfactorily so that you feel better. As some have suggested, maybe a frank and friendy discussion with your daughter is needed.

I am wondering why DD is so prickly, why does she come at the weekends if she doesn't want you to have fun with your small grandson, you don't mention daddy being around. Try and have a talk about the handholding it seems such a small thing for a gran to do. As for buying things just let that go at present it won't be long and you will be handing out cash to a large teenager. Do have a look at your local U3A, WI etc lots of lovely people out there.

I feel for you too OP. I love holding my Grandsons hand. I also love it when he refers to me as ' my Gran', which he does with so much exitement in his voice. I hope things get better for you Isabelle.

I agree with those of you who have said talk about it. It is a little hard to understand why your DD is upset by this. Has she a husband or partner and does he come on these outings? Has it always been difficult to talk to your daughter? Is he your first grandchild? I think although we love all our grandchildren there is a special feeling/connection with the first one. I am sad for you and do feel you need to talk to your daughter. I have 3 daughters - one is quite "prickly" and could never take criticism. However I do take issue with her occasionally and though initially she gets cross, afterwards I always get a text, email or even a phone call saying she is sorry! I understand you don't want to alienate her in case it makes things worse. How about next time you are out after she has held his hand for a while, saying " may I hold .......'s and for a while now? Give it a try!

yes why are so many gransnetters so harsh, why should Isabelle have to be grateful and count herself as lucky? Whatever has happened to compassion. Yes my grandchildren live in the South I am in the North, yes I have had years of difficult messages from my DIL and times when she hasn't allowed me to see them, but I don't think that she should be grateful for what she's got! I just wish, so wish that in this world where jealousy, control and disrespect comes so easily towards grandparents that there were more messages of encouragement. Please Isobelle keep loving your grandson and be true to who YOU are, I hope you can talk in a calm and rational way to your daughter- hopefully much easier than with a DIL ( although it may depend on your past relationship) yes find other things to do as well to take you mind off of it but at the end of the day we cant help who we are and for feeling the way we do. I hope as you have said that the kinder messages have helped.

Firstly, I understand your dismay , Isabelle. Your daughter does sound insecure. In due course, perhaps you could look at why she feels this way and have a chat about it. It is your role to reassure her in her parenting and the love you have for both of them. Secondly, please do seek other activities oustide of your family to fill your time and which involve engagement , commitment and expansion of your world and interests.. You do not say if you are retired but there are so many volunteering positions, clubs to join, even if youa re not. Aim to live your life more fully and to develop interests outside of your family.

Once your life is full, you will recognise and positively glow at the good fortune you have to be able to see your GC every weekend....and your love might be less of a threat for your daughter. Good luck( and let us know how you get on).

I'm with Rowantree and Minxie! The OP was just feeling a bit sad and wanted reassurance. My DGS always chooses DH to read him a story at bedtime and I pretend I don't mind at all but I do! We're included in his life etc etc but it still hurts a bit. Sending to OP.

I do feel for you I was a little like this with my own children and my mother. The reason was I hated the fact that my mother made it very clear we were the only things that mattered in her life I just wanted her to get her own life and not rely on us for all her social life ,I feel your DDmay feel much the same. Being needy is not good for your family, I have problems gone the other way and despite loving my grandson almost have too much in my life to fit them in we do however try to keep one day a week free as my daughter works. Good luck

Can't people talk to their families any more? Just ask your daughter why she doesn't want your grandchild to hold your hand. Is he a 'bolter' and she doesn't trust you or think you are strong/quick witted enough to hold onto him in the street. Can't he walk in the middle 'swinging' on both your hands like kids love to do. You won't know if you won't ask!!! If you live fairly close why don't you invite them over for tea midweek sometimes. Could you offer to pay for some classes (swimming?)instead of buying what she may consider tat! No one can read your daughter's mind for you.

Yes go with the flow, you do see him weekends and some grandparents never or hardly ever see their gc.
Things may change as he gets older. Sad though to think she doesn't like it if you hold his hand.
Maybe things will get better be patient.

I think as others have said, she is just unsecure. If you see him every weekend and he runs to you to hold your hand she is maybe a bit jealous thinking he loves you more. I wouldnt say anything - dont put pressure on her. Back away. He obviously loves you but parents should come first. Give it time and she'll come round. Dont do anything to antagonise! Be tactful.

God, the ones being so judgey and 'count your blessings' whinge whinge, no wonder you don't see your GK'S as much!! This lady was merely asking what she could have done to make her daughter not want her to have physical contact, ie with the hand holding! Maybe write her a letter asking why?? Just be open and honest with her, say you're feeling a little down, you're wondering if you have done something wrong, and what can you do to amend this. It can't be that bad if she see's you all the time, so it may just be her insecurities. Maybe she is a little jealous of the affection he shows you? Talk to her, and try to see things from her point, and hopefully you can hold onto your dear grandchilds hand a little longer.
Btw, to those who say "All this will end soon!" not all the time it doesn't :-) I can happily say my 19 yr old grandson loves to visit me (or so he shows by doing it every other weekend!) despite it using up all his wages to jump on the coach! He brings me a cake, we sit and drink tea and take the mickey out of his grandad, and he then goes for a walk with me along the beach holding my hand. We have a close strong bond, and just because they grow up, doesn't mean they grow apart! x

Isabelle there is an organisation called the U3A if you google it and the area you live, you will find lots of things to do ie Walking Craft Bridge Poetry are just a few of the things you can do, I joined in 2012 and cannot believe how it as enhanced my retirement. Fabulous org for making new friends.

Like you I see my grandchildren once a week but some of the stuff I see is mind boggling ie regards meal times and type of food eaten. BUT my DIL loves my son and they are a happy family unit so I mind my own business and all is well.

The need to see your GS more is because I think you live on your own like I do, so change it and soon you will find you havnt got time.

To end on a happy note I did my first solo cruise and it was fabulous, what a confidence builder will def be doing it again. As long as you go to the first solo coffee morning, promise you, you wont regret it.

Onwards and Upwards and good luck

* don't let tension build up

damewithaname how is that helpful?

Your post says that you "only" see your DGS at weekends. This implies that you would like to have more contact. Do you, unconsciously, put pressure on your DD for more contact. Maybe she feels insecure or pressured and is concerned that you will want her child to fill a void in your life. As others have said, try to find some other interests and enjoy the times with your DGS. Do let tension build up, your DD obviously enjoys your company or you wouldn't see her so often

It's great that you see him regularly. What you read on here from other grandparents who "see them all the time" is probably because they do childcare as mums are working full time.

My DGS is starting school this year ..... I have a feeling there will be little time available for popping over to our house for a casual visit. So I'm grabbing all the cuddles I can now!!!!

I find this sad and rather odd; the time will come when he won't want to hold your hand but it is lovely to feel a little hand in yours, it shows the child is confident of your love.

However, if that is what your DD has decreed then I think you must adjust your relationship with your DGS according to what she says or else risk perhaps not seeing him at all.

Good luck

I sympathise with you, but may I suggest the problem lies between you and your daughter, it seems you are unable to express yourself to her, she may not realise there is a proble to discuss, but there is if the child is afraid to approach you. Adult fears and recriminations should not be acted out in front of children, get her on her own, discuss the problem and let her know how you feel. You may have to accept her point of view, but at least it'll give her food for thought about her behaviour towards you and her son. P S i hope it turns out right for you all.