Not being allowed to be a grandparent

lizzy67 It is best, to my sense, to think about what your son is doing to help the situation. Well done. You say your dil has a very comfortable lifestyle, aren't you a little judgemental? To the person actually accomplishing all the GC care and feeding tasks?

Hi Starlady,
Thank you so much for your comments. I had got along famously with DIL whenever we visited uk previously. At least I thought so. Maybe it was just something she could keep up for a very short time. and for my son's sake I need to stay in my own home. which is what I am doing. Christmas is hard, though. My other son came to stay, also from overseas. Twice he was invited for a meal and to stay overnight at DIL's house. Hubby and I weren't even invited for a cup of tea. Now, I certainly have no problem with them all getting together. But it would have been nice to have been included, even if just once, even if just for a cuppa for an hour. We rarely see this other son. DIL does not need to go out to work as son has a well paid job. What she doesn't seem to take into account is that my hubby and I worked our fingers to the bone bringing up our kids and doing the absolute best we could for them, as do most folk, I guess. But if we hadn't, then she would not be living the very comfortable life-style she now has. I certainly don't mean to imply that she owes us for this. She doesn't. But she does owe us respect and it seems she is unable to do that.

Hi Norah, yes, my hubby feels as I do about seeing our grandchildren. As for our son? At first he was very much on his wife's side, naturally. But he now says he wishes things were better between us all. Reading between the lines I don't think he holds much sway and I am saddened by that. But I honestly don't feel like I can push anything. I wouldn't want them to split up, and I do feel that that is being held over my head So I guess the sensible thing to do is absolutely nothing, plod along with my life, such as it is, and leave son and DIL to sort themselves out. Trouble is, by that time the grandkids will have grown up, and no doubt will think it a hindrance to their young lives to see their grandparents.

Oh Isabelle I feel your frustration at not been able to snuggle and cuddle your grandson. My grandson too is very precious and I cant see enough of him. He lives 5 doors away and I need to distract myself and limit my visits or the relationship with my daughter would be ruined.
As hard as it is we have to step back and let the parents be parents even if we cannot understand what and why they are doing what they are doing.

Enjoy your time with your grandson and listen to his stories and enjoy the chat.

"When we are out, he always comes to hold my hand. But this annoys my DD and she gets cross with me for being controlling"

Isabelle, do you do anything to encourage dgs to come hold your hand against his mum's wishes? Perhaps that's why she says you're "controlling?" Think about it.

Sayitasitis, the op said nothing about "hugs," just about hand-holding. And where are her expectations "unrealistic?" It's not unusual for a gp to want to buy things for their gc and stuff, though, imo, the op should respect her dd's wishes.

Lizzy, I'm so deeply sorry about your situation! How dreadful to be enticed to make such a move and then be co! Are you sure it's due to your mental illness? Didn't dil know about this beforehand? You say she "can't stand" you - perhaps that means there's a personality clash that has nothing to do with your mental condition? Either way, my heart is with you.

lizzy67 interesting that your son is not mentioned. What role does DS play to connecting his family with your family? Does your husband feel same to you about seeing your son's children?

I don't get to see my grandkids either
Hi everyone, I enjoy reading all your posts, and I must admit to some envy of those of you who have regular contact with your grandkids. I lived overseas for many years, then was encouraged by one of my sons and his wife to return to UK to be nearer them and their kids, especially as I am getting older (shoving 70) and not in the best of health. So I moved. I told DIL that I didn't have to go where she and her family are, but she was insistent that that was what I should do. So here I am. Unfortunately for me, she simply cannot stand me. I haven't seen her or my grandkids, with whom I was getting along, for 2 years and 2 months. This, apparrently, is because I have a mental illness. I take my medication. I have never been in trouble because of it. And she seems to forget that it can happen to anyone. It is not caused by a character weakness or defect. However, DIL is intransigent about this. My hubby and I have been allowed absolutely no contact for the past 2 years and 2 months. This means, no visits, no telephone calls, no postcards sent from us, no birthday cards or gifts to the kids, no Easter eggs to the kids, no Christmas presents to the kids, and no emails to be exchanged. oh, and we're not to say we've been ostracised either! But that's exactly what has happened. We are in a strange part of the country, where we knew no-one 2 years ago. We have both made in-roads into getting out into the community and meeting people. I do voluntary work, as does my hubby, we have got hobbies, and get out and mix and mingle. But there is still a void. a void of having no family around what we could phone and maybe go and have a cuppa with. and it's that that hurts. and saying the grandkids will be able to make their own minds up as they get older seems odd. Unless they know us, they won't want to visit us. and who knows what they will have been told about us in the meantime? Unfortunately we don't have the funds to move to another part of the country where my siblings live. so we're stuck. sorry, I just had to get this off my chest. No doubt I'll feel better tomorrow.

Sayitasitis

Your post sounds full of hurt, anger disappointment and lacking in compassion.
Many grandparents are not treated with 'respect' and not included as a valued member of the family, let alone valued for being a human being. Also when they say they do not understand what has caused them to be estranged, they are not lying as poor communication Can be a problem and perception is often a poor excuse for apportioning blame.
I was never fortunate enough to have known my own grandparent, but it was such a pleasure and a delight to witness the wonderful and warm relationship between my son and his grandparents.
Too often, the parenting issue is too rigid with people today, life is too short, It should be kept as simple as possible, after all a child's needs has never changed since time began. Lots of love, warmth, and food.

Isabella,
Be inventive and creative about the games you play with your grandchild.
For example, ring a ring a roses, it is all about hand holding!
what about buying some nice bright children's paints and have your GC make a hand painting for mummy calling it helping hands! Then it shows you are all included and working together.
I am sure you can come up with other things too like reading to gether and using your GC's pointing finger to follow the shapes on each page, lots of contact there.
Good luck

This is how we used to walk down the road with my Grandson and there was one very happy boy in the middle

I'm a bit shocked by some of these comments and saddened by them

Especially as my Grandson has been living with me for 2 years and if he goes back to his Mum I will always be there for him for the rest of my life

What will I look back on my life and be happy about? The amount of hobbies I had or the amount of love I gladly gave? x

I think it is wonderful to be a Grandparent and you are still a 'part of the family' and I feel a child feels secure and happy with an extended family around them - I know I did - I ADORED my Granddad in particular , he used to bounce me on his knee and sing to me ( I still remember the songs ) and I used to stay over for the school holidays and I have such happy memories I still carry in my heart now he has gone and am so glad to have those memories as I felt so loved by him and when I think of him now it makes me smile

WE as Grandparents aren't around forever so what is wrong with giving the children happy memories and knowing they are loved by Mummy , Daddy , Grandma , Grandad , Aunties , Uncles etc as those bonds need not be in conflict with each other at all

Maybe we all have different priorities in our life , maybe to 'mean the world to us' does not mean we don't have a life but that the Grandkids are more important than our hobbies and friendships and travelling and socialising not that we don't love those things but we love the Grandkids more?

I used to travel a lot , go out socialising a lot , had loads of hobbies and stuff I did in my spare time including running 2 socialising groups with 2000 members who I used to take for days out , nights out and overnight trips but none of that compared to a hug from my Grandson or Granddaughter and spending time with them and I do not know why it would be seen as a threat if a family is a team ie we are all on the same side , on the same team working together to make sure the children are happy and I feel sad to think Grandparents are a threat not a blessing

I don't get the "respectful parenting " stuff, I believe children need rules and routine, but I also believe they shouldn't be made to hug or kiss someone because they are a relative ( at the end of they say this is all you are) This post is conflictive, because while on one hand the views on "respectful parenting" are mainly negative , it really isn't any of your business how your daughter or son wish to raise their child- hugs or no hugs. I don't need to tell you it's not your child or chance to parent BUT your expectations have a lot to do with this. Everyone is different and your children who are now adults make their own decisions for themselves and decide how they want to raise their families and who they include when and where, I hate this phrase of "adult children" it implies adult in age but still children and this is wrong. Really you should be grateful for whatever time they choose to give you, everyone's lives are different, everyone's perceptions are different, but it's her life and her child, so if she doesn't want you to hug her child ( although I think is strange) just respect it as you would if it was your friend. Really your children who are now adults don't owe you for being good parents doing your duty- roof over head etc ( I understand there are people who take it all for granted and I don't agree) but I also don't understand estrangement and to be honest those who say they don't understand why they are estranged are lying- my mother isn't a saint, terrible childhood and alcoholic up bringing but if my husband said I couldn't see her again? He'd be spoken to- think of what you have done. Perception is different, what you think may not hurt, may hurt someone else a lot.
You see your grandchild once a week, way more than most modern day grans get, why don't you focus on giving your daughter a cuddle or just a chat over tea, instead of making demands over someone else's child ( yes she is your daughter, but her and her husband are independent adults with their own family and that child was concieved, grown and raised by someone who is not you, so it is someone else's child, and to get down to biology you are as related as their aunts/uncles/cousins- so you are all the same- no supremacy or superiority , plus people who live abroad or at a greater distance have a greater "friend family" than "blood family"- it's just what happens)
Apart from normal respect and courtesy you would give a stranger don't expect more from your adult sons or daughters , it's not fair. Stop having unrealistic expectations of people, tiny humans and people lives you can't control. Just be grateful for what you get, they owe you nothing and their children are in every right theirs and they choose by whom, when and where and how they will be loved. Accept, be happy and move on. Believe me, being demanding, expecting a relationship far different than that you have with the parents or that what the parents envisioned is going down the wrong ally- their life, their choices, their children.

Isabelle Only your DD can explain what is really happening, however I have had a few thoughts. Does your DD want your DGS to be more adventurous now he is 5? Does she think that you holding his hand is making him more cautious and holding him back? (This may not be true but it may be what your DD believes) As for buying stuff children today have so much stuff, but do remember other things are of value to children. My GD was delighted when I gave her a conker from the tree near my house, sometimes little found things are more highly prized than an expensive present.
There's no right way of being a GP we all make our own pattern working with our family.

I was wondering what you meant about "not allowed to grandparent" - is it just the handholding thing that is causing the bad feelings or is there some other issue relating to grandparenting that you want to do?

On the face of it - it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with weekly get togethers and the inviting you on outings etc. There are few grandparents that have more regular contact.

When you say that your DD calls you "controlling" have you asked her what she means? For example have you given unwanted parenting advice or undermined a decision that they've made? Could there perhaps have been some incident where DD feels you have not paid attention to a situation with gc?

I think you need to discuss with dd. It may be that there is a mismatch of expectations regarding the frequency of contact and who will be taking parenting decisions

I have a goodrelationship with DiL (I think) and the GC do hold hands etc but i have been asked not to buy presents or any treats which Id love to do. However i hold back for the sake of harmony! Of course i get xmas or b'day presents but try not to go over the top and consult first.

I try to see my DGS once a month but it doesn't always work out as I last saw him before Easter when I went down to visit.
I've mailed DD (twice) to see if they fancy coming up in early July as there are local activities going on that weekend which I've taken DGS to in the past, but she doesn't reply. I ring: she doesn't answer the phone. I text: no reply.
As far as I know I haven't done anything wrong (she's been to stay 2 or 3 times, without DGS, since I was down there) but she gets carried away with her own life and doesn't think about the fact that DGS and I would like to see each other.
Sorry, I'm straying off topic...
I only make DGS hold my hand when crossing roads, and then only if they're busy ones. He's usually on his scooter, and is VERY good around roads, always stopping when he gets to the kerb and waiting for me (or DD) to say it's OK for him to cross.
I like it when he comes to stay with me on his own, because whenever DD is around he only wants to be with her - I guess this comes from the fact that she and his Dad are separated so whenever he's with Dad he doesn't get to see Mum

Luckygirl I agree many are being reassuring and constructive! But quite a few are regularly not, in a completely unnecessary way! I don't get it ...why be like that!

I do not think that people are being harsh - they are reassuring the OP that her situation need not be as distressing as she thinks - that it is just part of normal; and suggesting ideas for her that might minimise those things that she does not seem as ideal.

Just seeing your GS once a week is fine.

As to the bit about hand-holding, I really think you should just go with the flow - it is just a phase - if you do not press for it and are laid back, it really will blow over. I think people on here are being kind in trying to suggest other aspects of life that might be developed to put this in context and proportion and ease the worries.

Oh, just saw your second post. Yes, there are gps who see their gc more often than you, but not too many, surely, unless they are the primary carer while the parents are at work or whatever. Some of what you read may be exaggerated, too. Or it may seem as if some are seeing their gc "all the time" because that's all they post about on fb, and you don't "see" the many days between visits.

Comparing your situation to what you read is dangerous. The grass will often seem greener, etc. But if you must compare, perhaps remembering those gps mentioned who see their gc much less than you or not at all will give you a more balanced perspective. Try reading some of the estranged gp threads (mostly in the Relationships forum) and see how many gps are, sadly, co (cut out) from their gc's lives completely.

Also, I agree that the fact that your life "revolves around your family" may be part of the problem. Finding some other interests/activities to fill some of your time sounds like a good idea.

Isabelle, it sounds to me as if you and dd may have some different ideas about what it means to "be a grandparent." For her, it may be enough that you see dgs once a week. To you, obviously, being a gp means so much more.

For example, you want to buy gifts for dgs. Very normal for a gp, I think. But either, as pps have said, dd worries about his getting too many things or she has different tastes than you. Has she really said you can't buy him "anything?" Not even for Christmas or his birthday? Have you tried asking her what toys, clothes or books he likes or needs?

Like most pps, I don't get the hand-holding issue. Maybe she just is a little insecure/jealous, as pps have suggested. Or maybe she's trying to teach him to be more independent. It's sad that he now feels uncomfortable about coming over to you. I agree that boosting her confidence as a mom might ease the situation.

While I haven't had the same issues with my dd, we have had a few differences over what my gm role should be. Iv learned that I need to respect her limits, however. My grands are HER children, NOT MINE, and, ultimately, she controls who they spend their time with and how, etc. So I cherish the (ample) time I get with them and accept her decisions for them where we differ. Imo, that's what you need to do, too.

isabelle I agree with 12rg
I am single so my life revolves around my family
You're placing a heavy burden on your DD if this is the case. You're making her responsible for your happiness and well-being. Perhaps she's fine with that, but perhaps she just wishes you had a few interests of your own.
I have two friends who are both single and who have no DCs. They both lead active, busy and interesting lives.
Both my DM and DMiL were widowed, but neither of them ever made me feel that I should put their wants and needs before mine, DH's and the DCs'.

Im afraid this happens quite a lot on gransnet. One can disagree without being rude, patronising or trading personal insults. I find it sad.

I don't understand why people have to be quite so unpleasant whilst commenting ... it is perfectly possible to give constructive criticism without being unpleasant!!

Some people are very harsh on you which I find very sad! Surely we can air our worries and problems on here without being jumped on! I don't mean that people shouldn't air different views, but there are gentler ways of putting your point over surely.

Whether you see your grandchildren once a week or once a year I think it is odd that his mother can't share a little hand holding.