Daughter's ex wants grandson to miss 1st day at Comp

It is just one day he is missing not a week or more. he will. He will know other kids who are going or are in the same class and they will help him settle in. Kids are a lot more reliant tan we give them credit for. I think maybe the mother is the one with anxiety about it all. Just be relaxed about it all.

I don't see how it can be acceptable to ask a hard pressed teacher, in one of the busiest periods of their school year, to have to make sure a child who has chosen not to be there for additional help to assist with integration in the face of their anxiety. It would be entirely different if they were ill. Either your child sucks up the resulting consequences of not being there or he doesn't go for a holiday that ends late. Actions and consequences are an important part of becoming an adult which at the age of 11 he should be capable of comprehending. Dad wants a rocket under his backside about the responsibilities of parenting!
For those who say Mum will be the bad guy, we don't become parents to duck out of difficult decisions. From the moment my children are able to comprehend, I try to teach them that my less popular decisions are based on what it the right thing to do for them, not just because I am being horrible. They might not like it, but now most of them are grown up, they understand it and appreciate it.

Check first day back is not INSET training day for teachers. We went on to LA website to see start of term for our DFS. It said first day is 4th Sept but then last week we got communication 4th and 5th are INSST training days so in fact he will not go back until 6th.

On my first day at secondary school, i turned up to find i was the only girl out of 120 newbies to be wearing a home-made summer uniform dress! Everyone else was dressed in a gymslip, shirt & tie! And that's the way it stayed until my mum could afford to buy the gymslip, etc. Those were the days - what didn't kill you made you stronger . . .

I didn't miss the first day but my mother hadn't been to the parent's meeting during the summer because we were on holiday. It meant that I turned up with all sorts of things either missing or wrong. I felt awful but she couldn't see it was a problem.

I missed the first few weeks of secondary school due to illness. I found it very hard to start after everyone else.
I think your concerns are correct.

I agree with most of the above thats it's important if not essential to be present at the first day. It will make settling in so much harder for him. But is it not possible for them to come back a day earlier even if it's late, so he doesn't have to miss this introductory day?

As others have said, this is foremost for your daughter and her ex to discuss and much depends on the terms they have for the shared custody. The dad needs to understand what the fuss is about. He might not think about it himself so use small words and short sentences to explain that during that first day the children are for example shown around the school so they can find various places, or are introduced to their tutors since they won't see them every day as in primary. These things will not happen on the next day. If nothing else helps then the dad should definitely take the child to school in the morning on their return.Is your daughter prepared to play hardball? She can make it clear that if the boy is not home by 6 pm the day before school start she will not be available until the following day 4 pm. Then send a school uniform in the holliday luggage.

I'm surprised, as a cynical old ex-teacher, how strongly I'm reacting to this post.
I've worked in a number of schools, 3 were large comps and I truly consider that a Y7 who misses that first day will be at a disadvantage for a very long time.

Even a child who is not anxious is likely to feel lost, make mistakes, get reprimanded for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and actually be put off school by having a miserable first day. It is the one day that the staff will focus on Y7s, patiently explain, reassure and make their transition to their new school as smooth as they can.

By the next day the same teachers will have many other things on their minds and simply not have time to notice, let alone help, an uncertain new pupil.
I'm probably presenting a worst possible scenario but missing the first day of term is a very unwise choice. Sorry.

I was moved twice in primary, my last move in the january of yr 6, (not first day back after Christmas either), I was very shy and did not have lots of friends, but a couple.
I was the only child from that school to go to a large comp, although I passed the 11+, my parents believed in the New Comp ideology. My point is that when we go to college or uni and work, we don't go with friends, we need to become confident in our ability to make friends. I am aware of his issues of anxiety, our GS has them, but talking to school pastoral tutor, hopefully will help. Other good suggestions have been made too.
We do try to wrap them up in cotton wool, not sure that is the best way.
My son went on holiday with his dad every year, as we were divorced recently he told me he hated it...... so there is no easy solution, but keeping on good terms with exs when there are children is the best way IMO.

First day at secondary school is a big thing friends will be made first lessons attended and school lunch times experienced if your grandson is anxious anyway this will add to his anxiety

0wlfred most schools these days make a great effort to ensure that the first day is not chaotic.

The children going to the school in the Autumn will usualy have one or two days 'integration' before the end of this term - my two DGDs are going during the first week in July to meet fellow class-mates and experience a day at their new school.

It would be sad if this boy, having gone through that sort of experience, won't be there for the first day of term - friendships are often formed then.

As lots have said the first day at a new school is really important, the children will have paired up together, they will find themselves around the school together, absolutely loads of reasons why he shouldn't miss it. Is it not possible for the holiday to be cut short, the school are going to be very unhappy about pupils missing the first day especially after having just had 6+ weeks off

My daughter missed the first day of Yr 2 because my sister chose to get married on that day. Even though she was well established at the school it upset her for weeks.
Missing. The first day of new school is just not on if aboidable

It could be OK. The first day is often chaotic and it might actually be easier to settle in on the second day.Just one day should not be a problem.

Hi. It all depends on what was agreed when they divorced. What was agreed re access, how old the children are etc. As a citizen's advice advisor contact your local Cab. There is also a fine if the children miss school, who is going to pay that.

Violette, I was divorced in 1984 when my daughter was 9. I took her abroad several times as a schoolgirl and never had to have my ex's permission.
Missing the first day at secondary school' s a big deal however but I feel the OP is perhaps making too much of it and a word with the school could perhaps make the child's day a lot easier for him and he won't miss the holiday. If they say it's out of the question and would be really difficult for the child surely the father would make changes to the plan - unless of course he's a right awkward s--.

Perhaps we can all agree that missing the first day of school is not a good idea. The key issue is to avoid acrimony.

Farrsan2003, May I suggest you work 'behind the scenes' and let your daughter handle it through the school directly. Your daughter could visit the school in person and place your grandson's dilemma in the hands of the school counselor.

A sympathetic counselor not only knows all the rules, he/she may have a solution. He/she can also be a valued ally should anything go awry. By placing this in the hands of a third party (i.e. the school), your daughter cannot be blamed for the outcome.

Just wondered ....is your ex sil proposing to take your gs abroad ? If so, he needs permission from the Court if he doesn't already have it ....in my case when I wanted to take my daughter aged 7, to France for a holiday, I had to contact my ex (he had no contact, never saw his daughter after the divorce ..no maintenant, his choice ! I used to try to get him to see her to no avail) BUT when it came to the holiday, despite his complete lack of interest in her, I had to get his permission to take her out of the country !!!!! what a cheek ...but that was how it was (1986 ish) ...she your d could check with the Court first ....it may be there is joint control or whatever in which case this might not be necessary

Has anyone had a quiet chat with GS to explain he will miss his first day at a new school ? he will then know if he would feel better either not going on the trip, or coming back early.. and, of course, as has been said, you now need permission from the school to take children away (especially, I would think, in a shool he has not yet attended !) Your d could have a word with the head of his present school to see what she.he thinks as they will have an understanding about his levels of anxiety and whether he could cope with arriving after anyone else. Of course if he was ill, that is different !

He is your grandson, therefore it is for the parents to decide. I am worried about the resilience of this new batch of children. Do you not consider it appropriate also for him to bond with his father, perhaps a chance to be resolute in his male identity?
I expect all the goodies in this site will descend on me, but as someone who had twelve different schools, you get over it, you are forced to develop skills of getting in to social groups. Is he a member of the scouts etc, anything to develop his confidence?
Manipulation is happening here.

As a retired sec sch teacher a Yr 7 missing the first day is missing an induction day. Many schools only have Sixth form and Y7s in, so they go round the almost empty school, have activities to learn names of other kids, find out about clubs and extra curricular stuff.

Go to school's website and find out what he would be missing

As an ex teacher I do not have a great problem with pupils with a good attendance missing an occasional day or week from school as long as those days are not essential to a child’s well-being or they are not missing key parts of the school year. The first days at a secondary school are MASSIVE in terms of a child’s confidence and self-esteem. Routines are established, initial friendships are made and children are introduced to key members of staff and new timetables, not to mention finding their way around. In lessons they are introduced to the school’s expectations, including homework and really getting to know the form tutor. Imagine attending on the second day with no one to sit next to, not sure where to go, what to do and not know what is going on? Secondary school make a great effort to involve and integrate children on those first, all important days. He will be missing so much.
Maybe write down exactly what the child might miss if the trip goes ahead, bullet pointing what is happening on the first day. You should be able to find this out from information sent out from the school. Show this to father and son for discussion. Balance this with a carrot. Maybe your grandson could have an extra / special trip at half term or at a weekend with his father?

i missed the first few days of my secondary school owing to family holidays and it was very difficult to integrate myself into the class when i got there.
i was a shy child and had puppy fat too so i wasn't very confident.
how i wish my parents had realised that i would be the odd one out at that time.
i'm afraid this was the case for five years although i did make some new friends in that time.
so i hope the op can get her ex to see reason and get her son to go to school at the proper time.

You would have to get permission from the school - unlikely to be given therefore would be unauthorised absence on first day of new school. Not good

I thought the boy was excited by the trip?

If dad takes him out for a day, he can take him in to school and pay up if there is a fine, people are doing this all the time, all part and parcel of modern life. Let dad do some paretning not just as a sub contractor but as a parent, who is capable.

If the boy had been ill at start of school, this attitude would just invent an obstacle for him, he is just another boy in school, not the only anxious one, not the only one with separated parents, not the only one with any sort of problems. This is life, he can do it and he may well be on a high after the trip and amaze himself..

I well remember taking my kids to nursery, sitting in the car crying having left them sobbing their hearts out, then peeping throught the windows 20 mins later and seeing them absolutely fine.