I did something awful

??? For goodness' sake - what are we discussing? Interacting with children to prepare them for life in the real big bad world? Or being the guardians of rare fragile specimens?
We're all fallible, and children need to learn that too.

I find it disturbing that so many people are trying to make YOU feel better. You slapped your gandchild. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you had any morals you would fess up to it. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and take responsibility for your actions. Good grief.

Screeching followed by a slap? Very hard for me to believe that ds and dil weren't aware of it if they were in the same room or even close by. If not, then chances are strong, dgs told them about it. If they haven't said anything, then they have probably chosen not to. Op might be opening up a can of worms she shouldn't if she brings it up now.

In the future op, if you're not feeling well, better, imo, to remove yourself from the scene. If the parents are expecting you to keep an eye on dgs (Idk if they were), just let them know you can't because you're not feeling well. I'm sure they'd understand.

Now put it behind you, as dgs already has and focus on ways to stay in touch until your next (rare) visit.

PS For many estranged parents, the relationship they had with their AC up to being cut out was never poor. We were extremely close to our ES and remain so with our DS. Two years into our estrangement our ES told me "we mustn't do this (have any contact) as it causes too much trouble".

Yes, he's lied in order to justify our estrangement but not once to our knowledge as he ever said we'd had a poor relationship.

I agree FrodoVagins fear of estrangement "shouldn't cloud someone's judgement when it comes to doing the right thing" but the sad reality is it can do.

I can't help but wonder if we wouldn't be seeing threads from first time GP's asking for advice about how to behave, threads from GP's exhausted because of the amount of free child care they're providing and the endless references to 'biting tongues' and 'walking on eggshells' if the fear of being permanently cut out wasn't there.

The OP IMO hasn't found the incident and not telling her son and d.i.l. about it "the easy thing to do", if she had she wouldn't have started this thread.

We know that "Grandparents have no inherent right to privacy regarding their relationship with their grandkids", we know GP's have no rights at all which is why so many find themselves totally cut out of their lives.

If a slap was such a terrible shock to the little boy, I'm inclined to think he would have told his parents. If it wasn't a terrible shock, I think he would have seen it as a bit of a talking point and told his parents. Perhaps they already know.

Smileless, it seems a lot of people on this site are afraid of estrangement from their grandchildren as a result of a poor relationship with their adult children. I think this fear shouldn't cloud someone's judgment when it comes to doing the right thing.

The OP did something wrong, as admitted in the title of her post. Many have advised to come clean, both for her own conscience and because trust is vital to any healthy relationship.

Others have advised to forgive herself and keep what she did hidden from her son and DIL. That sure sounds like the easy thing to do, but it doesn't make it right. When it comes to interacting with other peoples' children, you have to be 100% transparent. Grandparents have no inherent right to privacy regarding their relationship with their grandkids until the kids themselves are adults.

I do hope that you've found some of the posts in response to yours helpful and of some comfort JackyB. There have been some lovely and sensible posts; Luckylegs, Mawbroom and tricia spring to mind.

When our DS was 2, we stayed with my mum for a couple of months as we were having extensive work done on our home. Mum left for work at 9.00 one morning just as DS began his temper tantrum, he was screaming and was still screaming 4 hours later when she came home. She walked in, smacked the back of his hand and he stopped. I'd tried everything, apart from a smack and was at the end of my tether. I was shocked and he was shocked but mum wasn't. She'd have done the same thing to us when we were that age and thought nothing of it.

DIL there is always an estrangement thread running on GN, sometimes more than one where parents talk about being CO of their AC's and GC's lives and never knowing the reason why.

Perhaps the OP has read these threads or knows someone whose living with the terrible affects of estrangement and is worried about the consequences her mistake may have on her relationship with her DS and d.i.l. and that is why she's not told them about the incident. "The fact that so many grandparents would just cover it up is insane to me". The fact that so many parents and GP's are finding themselves totally excluded from their AC's and GC's lives is completely insane to me.

You say that a GP secretly smacking their GC is a deal breaker well IMO it shouldn't be, and if the OP fears that may be the case it's hardly surprising that she doesn't want to tell them about it.

And trust....

Its not to do with right and wrongs of slapping, its about the principle. But on this particular occasion its common sense not to slap another person's child when the protocol in the situation is to ignore that child's behaviour. Its then common sense to own up to a mistake if you're sorry in the hope that everyone can move on from it. Mistakes do happen and in OP's case I think she is distressed at her own reaction. Most people agree that slapping a child is wrong, so that area is covered and not really what's being debated. The fact that so many grandparents would cover it up is just insane to me.

Maybe we have different ideas of common sense.

I agree with DIL 123. If I slapped any of my grandchildren I don't think my DIL or SIL would ever let me near them again. I used to slap my daughter but one day she did something that annoyed me and I automatically hit her on the head. Not hard, admittedly, but it scared me so much I never slapped her again and never slapped my son. When I think of my daughters friends, the one who tended to hit her friends on a regular basis is one who was hit by her parents. My daughter came home in tears one day when her friends mother slapped her; she was inconsolable, and kept saying 'why was she allowed to do that, mum'.

ps if you want to discuss the rights and wrongs of smacking children why not start a separate thread?

I hope JackyB has stopped reading this thread otherwise she's going to be in a right state.
Another thing that upsets me about it is the lack of sensitivity towards her feelings shown by a few posters.

DIL here endeth the lesson?
Not saying you are not entitled to your opinion, but us novice egg sucking grannies are not the child beaters you seem to imagine we are. We do however have a fund of child rearing experience and common sense to draw on, plus the realisation that nobody is perfect.

So I'm beginning to understand how some grandparent's minds work indicated by the attitudes here.

If a grandparent slaps a child, its the child's fault for being noisy, or the parents fault for not helping granny more and letting her struggle to the point of breakdown. If that grandparent covers up their wrong doing, its actually the parents fault because if the grandparent told the parent then they'd make a big deal out of it.

I'm shocked at the deflection of responsibility.

Its appalling how many grandparents would cover their own tracks when doing something they KNOW is wrong to another person's child! All because they are too cowardice to deal with the backlash in case the parents "make a big deal out of it". Actually a grandparent slapping a child in secret is a big deal and an absolute deal breaker to most parents. The only redemption would be if the grandparent came clean and explained what happened and apologized.

It takes courage to own up to something you've done wrong when you know you'll get flack for it, but a grandparent coming clean about this (or anything else they know they shouldn't have done!) shows they're sorry and place openness and honesty above everything. That's a necessary foundation for a relationship to work between grandparents and their grandchildren.

What is going to cause a relationship breakdown is when the grandparent makes a choice to hide what they've done because they don't want any consequences and they aren't sorry. I would never allow a visit with someone who slapped my child then lied to my face about it and I would never trust them again. Not for the slapping but for the lying. Something for all you grandparents to think about if you ever find yourself cut off and just simply can't understand why when in secret you've doing things you know the parents will disapprove of but are too good for ramifications of your behaviour, because you're never wrong, only everyone else around you for having a problem with it.

Not your kids, not your right, not your choice.

Actually, TriciaF, it is not the OPs child, it is her son and DILs child. Yes, she is the grandmother, but that is not the same as being the parent of the child. Legally, she has absolutely no right to slap her DGS, as he is not her child. So it is someone else's child that she has slapped. In fact, a simple google of this will tell you that in California (where the OP states she was) and in the UK, only parents have the right to use corporal punishment.

I think the thread has gotten a little too caught up in the debate over slapping, which is a separate issue and a parental choice. The OP asked for advice on how to handle the situation of having slapped her grandson, she is clearly aware this was not her place to do as she is not a parent and he is not her child.

For what its worth OP, I do think it would have been best to come clean at the time. If it was me, I would still do so, stressing to DS and DIL that I did not intend to do so, that I know my actions were inappropriate and to apologise. It would be best to do this, rather than risk DGS mentioning it to his parents and them confronting you, which could go a lot worse.

And to those telling the OP to not admit it as DGS will most likely have forgotten/moved on from it, I think most people here would know that children have a way of letting things slip even when we think they've forgotten!

TriciaF

No I have never hit any of my children and I wasn't hit as a child. Doesn't make you an angel it makes you a decent human being who doesn't go around assaulting others.

I am unsure about keeping this going, but will answer this question as honestly as I can.
By the time we were presented with the conundrum, there were 2 issues: the 'slap' and the 'not telling'. Some posters kept them separate, some conflated the two.

I do not disagree with you on principle at all - but what we were asked was 'what to do now'?

My response was based on an adult life spent working with children & families, and coloured a great deal by OP's contrition, anxiety, and the distance (therefore time lapse) involved. I also assumed that we were being, at this point, given a truthful account.

I hoped that OP would learn from this and have a better response ready for the next time her nerves are tested and/or she reacts badly.

But admitting now, I thought, would stir up unhelpful anxiety on all parties. This isn't a situation where things can gradually be brought back to normal over months of popping in and rebuilding. I guessed that at this point it would cause more bother. That does not mean either was OK.

I do not 'excuse'OP, but do hope she can have better strategies at her next visit, especially being properly prepared for these situations. And I think the best chance of that is or her to sort this out for herself.

Frodo, there is no doubt that you are 'correct'; the question was more to my mind, what is most helpful going forward? I may be wrong, the point of a forum like this is to seek points of view.

If the slap was not a big deal at all, as many are saying, then why hasn't the OP just told the parents? That is a sincere question. If you feel OP has certain ground to stand on (i.e. her generation generally slapped children and they grew up fine plus DGS appeared to be fine after the slap and it stopped the bad behavior), then why not just be honest?

Maybe the parents will say it's no big deal. Maybe they will say to never slap/hit/whatever you want to call it my child again. Maybe they will say that OP has broken their trust and now they need to work on rebuilding it.

Any reaction they have is valid because they are the child's parents and have the right to determine and know about any discipline bestowed on THEIR child.

For goodness sake, Aroundwego - have you never lost your temper with an awkward child? If never, then you're an angel from heaven.
Or maybe you've never had children?
And in any case this child was the OP's, as a grandmother, rather than someone else's.

Harm a child and it's ok don't tell the parents? The child won't of forgotten and trying to hide what harmed another persons child is not a nice trait and makes you not trust worthy. Just because you used to hit your child and they where ok does not give you the right to assault someone else's child and yes it is assault in the eyes of the law to hit/slap/punch another person adult or child.

Forget it. It's in the past now. You did not beat you GS you have him a slap once. Unlike some posters I do not think there is any lasting harm ot damage done. I suspect your Grandson has forgotten it. I wiuld not tell the parents.

It would be nice to know if the slap had any effect and the child has learned that it's not nice to scream in someone's ear.

One of the reasons I think the panic above should be tempered with common sense is that these folk live thousands of miles away and the next time the OP sees him he will probably be a year older. I doubt whether he will greet her with a question as to whether she plans to smack him again.

Children have to have limits set and the extrapolation along the lines of "Is it OK to smack an adult?" doesn't really work, because it is not OK to cold shoulder a fellow adult and make them sit outside the social/family circle on a cold step feeling unloved and sad, which is what the latest child-rearing wisdom seems to be. I find that very harsh and damaging indeed.

I am not suggesting that smacking a child is a good thing, but simply saying that children have to be disciplined in some way in order to fulfill the parental duty to socialise that child and all methods carry their different downsides.

But this isn't about other methods of punishment, its about what the parents deem fit for their child. OP said herself the normal procedure is to ignore screaming. OP was the one who slapped him because she had tummy ache and short temper.

That's not a parental approved punishment, and it would be unwise to keep this as a secret. She had no right to slap him regardless of whether it worked or not. And actually what I got from her post was that OP slapped him, way overstepped the mark and then he internalized it and proclaimed he was noisy. Well he's a three year old of course he's noisy. OP didn't say she even told him to stop or even give him chance to stop. He screamed and she slapped him, not her place, not her right, directly went against what parents said to do in response to that behaviour and keeping it a secret is a mistake.

It seems that as grandparents, most think its better to keep hush if you do something you know you shouldn't have done, because you don't think its a big deal personally. The very fact you wouldn't say something in my opinion is very sly in itself. I don't know many parents of three year olds who would find it no big deal that a grandparent slapped the child out of anger because the child made too much noise for them. It might have floated the kid by but its not just about a three year old, its also about a grandparent who clearly cannot control their temper if they slapped a child and didn't even mean to.