Son and DIL in denial re granddaughter problem

I'm glad you care enough to be concerned. But this isn't your child so it's not any of your business. I would be just as offended by someone (even my own mom) trying to parent my child. You just have to relinquish control. I know it's hard and you only want what's best but you're really risking breaking the relationship you have with them when I don't think it's your place to do anything. As long as your gc isn't being abused or in serious danger then you have to bite your tongue.
I want to jump in all the time when I see what I think is questionable parenting but I just have to fight that urge. You wouldn't want someone to do it to you.

So sorry posted on wrong thread!

If you don't want to move, stay where you are. You are an adult, nobody can force you. Have an adult conversation with him, tell him how you feel.
I wish you well.

My thinking is, does your granddaughter act these temper tantrums in other places e.g school. If not I would suggest this a station that for whatever reason has manifested in the family home..Thus your granddaughter may be acting this way has it has worked for her in the past. I would not get involved, her parents will deal with this in the way they see best and eventually with age this should past and if not her parents will need to manage her behaviour .

I would imagine that if the behaviour hasn't been picked up on by the school, then its very likely just the way she behaves at home, presumably because it works?

The school may raise concerns but the parents don't have to act on them.

Minus.I can appreciate your frustration being so far away from your family. I have over the years and still am experiencing frustration not being able to just pop round to give help in whatever way I could to family living the other side of the world.
Your son is possibly getting to the end of his tether and going round in circles.He is calling for help giving you so much information but then he rejects your suggestions. I too have experienced this.
Can you not plan a visit? At least you could see for yourself
You have been pushed down once What ever other advice you give will get the same reaction. Been there.
Think about a visit. That is all you can do.

Is it worth falling out with them over?

The child may well grow out of it, and if not, her parents are the ones to make decisions. I would keep my nose out unless asked.

School will pick up on the behaviour if it happens there, if it doesn't, then she is using that behviour as it works for her at home, in which case when something works better she will change.

Has the school this child attends mentioned this is happening at school? if not then the problem is home based and as others have said ignoring it will really help to show this child that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable and the family are just ignoring her when she is like this, Reward the good behaviour and ignore the bad .But if the parents cant see this is their problem the child will just continue to control the whole family.

I don't think there is anything you could or should do Children mature at different ages and the youngest child is often more ' looked after' or spoilt than the others as it has two older 'sub' parents plus it is always fighting for attention she hasn't yet learned how to negotiate I know a girl who at that age would go and hide in her wardrobe and throw everything around when challenged. She's perfectly mentally normal and a very intelligent teen now
I m hazarding a guess your daughter in law s in US where they do seem to resort to awful meds at the drop of a hat, and I think your daughter in law has a valid point about drug companies and money To me suggesting counselling seems extreme
I think you must wait and see
Is your daughter in law relaying these scenes to you over the phone and moaning to you about it? Or how do you know?

You don't say which country your family live in, minus, I'm wondering why there is an assumption of medication as a first step. I'm not so sure this would be the case in the U.K. Sorry, lots of questions to try to better understand. I'm wondering how often this happens, if there is a pattern. Whether you have seen this or it has been described to you. Is this behaviour just at home or does it occur at school or in friends' homes? If your granddaughter gets so upset at school I am surprised there hasn't been an intervention there, if it's just at home then it could be linked to the family dynamic. Possibly as a way of getting attention or indeed the actions of a family member but there could be any number of reasons. As nannynoo says there are a whole host of conditions that can cause this type of behaviour. I would think these outbursts leave your granddaughter exhausted and can understand it is upsetting for everyone. I hope someone else can be more constructive for you but I honestly don't think you can do more than you have. Even if the family lived close by her parents are her parents and carry the responsibility. It must be even more worrying to be so far away. I'm sorry not to be able to be more helpful.

Minus I don´t in all honesty think that you should be dealing with the parents, expecially as they live so far away. You presumably aren´t in casual daily contact, where things can be said as part of general chit chat. You can mention your concerns to your son, shortly, firmly, matter-of-factly, and once only. Then leave it up to them. Offer all the support you can whatever they choose to do. My son had this unfortunate disposition (daily tantrums, hysterics, laying on the floor...) until he was practically a teenager. We all ended up pussyfootying around him so as not to upset him and set him off on one of his "turns". My lovely mother-in-law was a great help and support to me, she just said "don´t worry, he´ll grow out of it", and, guess what? He just did. Now he´s the calmest, most placid person I know.

All good points. However, my problem is dealing with the parents who refuse to admit they have a problem.

Has she been tested for Autism as the 'tantrums' could be 'meltdowns'??

There are other conditions which can cause this behaviour as well , might be worth ruling it out at least with the GP & school etc? x

9 is a bit old for this type of behaviour ,but if she's getting away with it she'll continue to do it.Maybe they shoulld try ignoring her and if she doesn't get the required attention she'll stop.My youngest GD is prone to screaming our problem is her dad who will give in to her and pamper "his baby girl"She is his only child and she's 6 not a baby at all,the other two children in the house are my daughters by her first marriage and they wouldn't dream of beahaving like that.I do agree with the parents though that taking her for counselling might mean they try her on drugs and I wouldn't want to go down that route either

No experience, but I understand your concerns, hopefully some other GN members will be able to offer advice.