Family slipping away

I am so sorry to read about your story. Recently, I have become more distanced from my family as a daughter and sister. I have made this decision consciously and with a great deal of thought.

The reason? I have been taken for granted for so many years, listening to moans and groans about health, being ignored by my brother and the focus of jealousy by my sister. I also have a disabled son and a husband who has health problems.

So, I decided to maintain a distance that was suitable for MY needs. I still keep in touch when it suits me, but avoid family occasions and rarely visit.

I'm not saying that my scenario is similar, but maybe sometimes we just need to think about ourselves for a change. Selfish? Not in my book.

I really hope you can resolve the problem you have, but I would take it easy. Best wishes xx

Another point - on the few occasions that I've travelled to India and Kuwait to stay with sons and families I feel I have to be extra careful in what I say and do when with the grandchildren .
It's such a rare thing, I can't be really natural with them, and don't want to leave with bad memories.
The Kuwait family I do see more often here, and have put my foot in it a couple of times, but they're not so easily upset as DIL in India, who is a real earth-mother. Their children are adopted Indian orphans, and she managed to breastfeed the 2 youngest.

Well to be honest Id be happy with one phone call a week, (its as much as I did when I had a young family and my parnts lived far away! ) but not knowing their address or never being invited to visit is a different matter. My parents were always welcomed when they visited and the fact tht it was only occasionally made it even more special for the children . I think it's the same with my GC though we see some families far more often than others. But we do hesr from them from time to time via phone calls, emails. texts, whats app etc and always love the photos they send.
We know they are very busy so any contact is a bonus. We do invite them here but thay cant always come. C'est la vie!

Marnie, and all others far from their families.

My daughter stopped talking to us we had to send mail via her brother as she did not want us to have address. DS soon got fed up with it and told her not to be so childish. I still send birthday cards and Christmas cards with a cheque enclosed which is cashed. I can't deal with it any longer. It's been so many years I don't know even if I would recognise her. Her choice. I do as I'm asked. No contact. Just send the money twice a year.

There are many tales, though, of family members moving, and just dropping out of sight. My own MiL lost touch with 6 siblings who all moved to the US in the 1920s.

I am still in touch with one of my mother's old friends, who was a GI bride. She told me that the only way she could cope with keeping in touch was to keep an email letter form (remember those?) handy, and jot down odd things as they came to her. When it was full, she would email to one of her sisters or mum, with instruction to pass it on.

Love that we now email each other!

Thinking back to when I was young with kids and busy all the time, and phone calls were expensive from a chilly phone box, I only rang my parents every couple of weeks and before that people relied on letters and I don't think wrote that many. It was common for people to ring the pub or local shop to get urgent messages through to people.

Communications just chage all the time, we had house phones, calls charged by the minute and rang my uncle in Canada at Christmas only, I think it was a pound a minute, now its so much cheaper......and we FB almost every day, we are more connected than ever but in different ways.

I talk to you GN peole most days, I would have to be out all day sitting on buses, to chat to so many strangers every day....

I miss the family living all around me but the world has opened up and they are making the most of it. I wonder what is coming next???

I moved just over 2 years ago to be nearer my DD & DGS after I was widowed. I don't see a lot of the family although they only live 10 miles away, busy life with 7 year old DGS & now DGS2 has arrived !!!!!

I never "drop in" but ring & arrange to go when it's convenient, neither would my DD just turn up on my doorstep

We rarely ring each other now but use FB Messanger, increasing since my DD's recent Pregnancy & birth of DGS2 7 weeks ago. We find it more convenient, I'm not wondering if she's busy & she can reply in her own time.

My DM (she's 88) hardly ever rings me, but I ring her every few days. Different generations. My DM won't even have a mobile phone

JanaNana good post - my views too.
And one of mine lives in India.

Nananina. I do think a lot of the problems we share on Gransnet simply would"nt have happened 2 or 3 decades ago. Technology as good as it is and we would"nt want to be without it now can cause a lot of unhappiness in different ways. Loneliness, Distance from Families, FB upsets, Birthday Celebrations, etc. I was brought up in the north of England where everyone knew everyone else, my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, we all lived near each other and saw each other daily.Any problems would have been ironed out as they arose. As children we knew most of our neighbours and would go errands to the shops for them willingly. Somewhere along the way our sense of priorities have changed and not for the better it seems. My own family live as far as away as Scotland at one point, Devon at the other end and various stops in between. Getting anything organised to involve even half of them often involves a lot of sighing ..a bit of "no we need more notice" and other excuses. We might as well live in India or some other far flung country as we inevitable are the ones that generally bend over backwards to visit them ...many times we"ve looked forward to a visit from them and been disappointed by a last minute change of plan on their part. It does seem to me, the more modern life becomes and forward thinking ....it is going backwards in terms of of family life.

I think this is a side effect of Facebook. Everyone who uses it, seems to love it so much that they completely forget that there are other forms of communication.

My DIL considers me very odd because I don't like Facebook. Normally I'm good at using computers, but I just can't get to grips with Facebook.

Sorry, that's not the point here.

I suggest next time you speak to them on the phone that you ask outright for their phone numbers. Say quite truthfully, that you will feel much happier knowing that you can ring right away if your DH is taken ill again. Have pen and pencil to hand so you can write down their numbers while you speak. Ask too for their address - I assume you send presents to all the family on their birthdays and at Christmas.

Say you have often wondered what is the most convenient time to phone, as you don't want to intrude when they are busy, but you would like to be able to phone for a chat now and then, as it's nice to hear their voices.

If none of this works or any of the others' suggestions, then I suppose you will just have to put up with it, but I hope the lack of address and telephone numbers is just an oversight on their part.

Mind you, as she works in our local CID I guess they'd find her easily enough.

Actually, BlueBelle, you've got a point! I have my DD1 as ICE (in case of emergency) in my phone, but if she hadn't got it on her I couldn't until very recently have told anyone where she lived!

I can see and understand all the reasoning posters have given, but for me personally I would feel completely out of touch if I didn't have an address for my children .... I get taken ill the police break the door down and say shall we contact your Next of kin and you say catch them on fb .... I know stupid analogy but..........

In this age of mobile technology people do not always have a new land line connected as a priority. If your DD has tried twice to contact electronically I would take comfort from the fact they do want to keep in touch, but perhaps using modern technology rather than the old postal system, which is not necessarily as good in other countries as we are used to.
My DD and family has just spent 6 years in a country without a postal system, so electronic email cards, and electronic vouchers from Amazon were the only option. We could only keep in touch by email, phone line was bad and our broadband is hopeless for skype. They are on the move again to a new country and as long as I can email I feel I am in touch with them.

It's sad to be so far away, but I'd be prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt. It is stressful moving, especially with a family, and they must still be sorting out and settling in if it was last month. Also, they have tried to contact you but you missed the calls. It might be better to show willing and keep your sound turned up so you can reach each other any time on messenger. As other posters pointed out, communication has changed. They probably feel facebook and messenger are the best/most immediate ways of keeping in touch as they are so far away. Do they use FaceTime or Skype - have you asked for a virtual tour round their new house? I'd send an e-card to your SIL, and e-gift if you want (much easier anyway), and remind them about a contact number in case of emergency. People rarely change their mobile numbers these days so do you know that? I remember being a busy parent and feeling so guilty because one older relative always said 'I never hear from you/I thought you'd died' that I stopped phoning altogether. I can't take it back now and years later it still bothers me. It's really hard when you miss your DD so much and seem to be just one part of their lives, but you're right in being happy that they are happy.

Can any of you remember about your r/ship with your own parents? I ask because I feel guilty that didn't see more of them (10 mins away by car) I did the shopping but that was it. My sisters were in daily contact with them. I was working full time with 2 boys and a partner who was hard work sometimes. Sam for DP's parents - they were 15 mins away by car and we didn't see much of them. The thing is I loved my parents and they had always been loving and supportive.

Now it comes to my boys and one phones about twice a month and we go over every 2 or 3 months. DIL doesn't really like visitors - it's another country but not that far. The eldest lives 30 mins away by car - occasionally comes here with DGD - only ever e mails or phones in answer to something I've raised. The older I get the more I wish I had a daughter but it seems daughters keep their distance too!

I think the generations do grow apart and that's the way life is and we have to accept it.

I think we have bred very selfish children. My own mother always had us girls around to help out and make sure she was not alone on birthdays xmas Mother's Day etc. I've been widowed 4 years and dread xmas alone although I did get away with a friend and met quite a few elderly ladies doing the same. My son and his wife and granddaughter prefer to spend xmas alone or with friends and have told me to widen my circle of friends. I have many friends but it's a family I'm missing. I've seriously thought of adopting one to fill the gap in my life.

I think it's quite strange and very harsh not to give you a contact address and tel number...... although I do most of my 'talking' over fb s free messenger with two out of three children I still have addresses and landlines for them if wifi goes down or I need to send anything I just find it weird and rude to make a point of not giving it you when you asked (presumable politely ) it does strike of control or them not wanting the contact or at least not at the moment Very difficult for the granddaughters birthday as she shouldn't suffer because of the parents need for privacy

I do sympathise with you and can understand your worry about the lack of a new address. However unfortunately they may think that as you have FB there is no need for an address. I wonder if they want to break from the tradition of sending presents themselves ...maybe the cost involved of sending abroad, and don"t like to say so. Perhaps you will have to be more direct in a message you send. Say how it worries you if something happens to one of you so please could they give you a back up of a phone number. I do think it is"nt until we get older ourselves that we notice more of the little things in life that we miss now and probably took more for granted when younger.

I empathise with this. Both my children are married with children and living abroad. I started by asking when would be a good time to FaceTime, and again asked whether I could visit. Then my daughter said 'Don't ask: just DO it'. So now I FaceTime whenever I wish when they may or may not be available and do I try again. Also I tell them I intend to visit on the summer/for Christmas/birthday; then I give them a date, then check that is okay, then book my flights. As my daughter says - don't always wait to be asked! ?

I'd do what Gillybob suggested, keep it light.
But I'd also send a message saying you re sure they d want to be told if anyone took seriously ill or died so could they please give an address for emergencies!

When I was young and on my own with a baby I neglected to contact my Dad for so long he got the police to find me! I felt so mortified and ashamed but somehow the days had gone by and I hadn't got round to it. When you're young you tend to take parents for granted.

Sadly, some of us wish, when it's too late, that we had given our parents more of our time and consideration. Even if we were to tell them this, they wouldn't understand. It's true that you can't put an old head on young shoulders.

Send them this link, and ask them to scroll down to the Relationships section near the end.
waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html