Family slipping away

My daughter and sil live a mile away. I provide childcare for 2 grandchildren 2 days a week and daughter's mil does another 2 days. We all meet up for birthdays, mother's/father's day and rotate Christmas day between the 3 houses. We also have a week's holiday together . The grandchildren love it and essentially they are being raised by us all. we avoid contact at weekends so they can have family time together. I have a great relationship with other mil and we meet regularly for lunch etc . Yes I'm very lucky, but I think the key to any relationship is to talk - and listen. As a family, from daughter being young, we have always discussed everything and not let any disagreements fester. It works for us.

It's an odd thing, but addresses just aren't as important any more. I had to ask DD1 for hers recently. She'd lived there over a year and it hadn't registered with me that I didn't have it! She's fairly local and we see her every couple of weeks at least, either here or at family events, meet-ups in town etc, and we're in daily touch via our family Whatsapp group, Facebook and text. We rarely phone. We don't go to hers as both she and her flatmate work long hours on (different) shift patterns. She's moving this month though and I've already got the new address (from the Rightmove link she sent me).

I don't think you're losing contact, Nannyrosie. You still know how to reach them if you need to, and I'm sure they'll let you have the new contact details once they've settled in (don't they have mobiles, btw?). Moving time is busy and stressful. And as for the present - it's his own fault if he misses out, and spend the saving on a treat for yourself.

You can google their name to see if there is an address. Also there is a site called " reverse lookup" where you put in the phone number and it gives you an address. Or you can just send a gift voucher to you sil thru email.

So sorry for your plight NannyRosie I don't have my youngest daughters add, phone no. or anything and they live just 20mins away! nor my Sons! Haven't seen them in almost 5yrs

I would leave it fhor now, and just send a message on her birthday. Drop the present giving. Give iit a rest and see how it goes. If anything happens to you or DH you can always message. At least you can follow her on facebook, maybe she will put some pictures there too - this is how I follow my sons' lives, plus a visit maybe once a year. It is incredibly sad, not at all how I envisaged being a grandmother.

I feel Nannarose is right. When I visit my brother I always stay in a B & B. I know they're short of space, I've never actually been upstairs in their current house but we stay friends.

I think things change a lot as grandchildren get older. Ours are all of similar ages so it is more noticeable. When they were preschool, we all had long lazy afternoons in the garden with a paddling pool. When they started school it went to weekends with family barbecues and the kids all playing together. Now they are mainly teenagers they have their own lives, and do more outings to shops or cinema, and we are less involved, though they are around if needed.
That's the way it goes.

I think Nannarose is right KatyK.

In my view your DD is making a display of not giving you her address yet...a kind of 'you're going to have to wait' thing. Leave her to it.

Believe it or not I am quite reassured as I thought it was just DiLs who were doing this!

Do they have a Facebook page? I have found with my son and d-i-l in the USA that, if a private message fails to prompt them to provide an address (they have moved several times) then a quick post on their public Facebook page along the lines of 'know you are very busy but still waiting for your new address to send present/letter/news/photos/card/house warming gift works a treat. I have always had a reply within hours.

Veda if you go to the top of this page and click on 'Acronyms' you'll find most of the abbreviations used on here Your welcome..

I think it is the modern way to do on line contact and not phones so much, texting and e mails means that people can deal with messages at a time to suit them. I don't think they are any busier than we were.......just that communications have changed.

Is there a time difference that needs to be considered?

I am sad that we don't live close as families once did but that is the way of the world now, all those people you see out in groups are probably just visiting a couple of times a year. Life and travel is expensive.

I didn't have my son's address for ages, he rings me a couple of times a week and I can FB. and almost daily we share something on line.........he just doesn't do letters FB is instant. It is the same with all my children, they prefer on line things and send video clips and photos of the kids......

Would be nice if we all lived near..........life however had other plans.

Having been on a thread yesterday advising a new Mil not to pop in on the newly weds I am wondering if some of our DC think the same with us - better not pop in they are probably doing something, or will I have to stay for a couple of hours and the shopping needs doing - Two of our DC are fairly near by but still have a drive to get to us, all working and children with many outside interests fitting dear old mum and dad in as well is not easy I can see that. They do come when they can which is lovely for me and we do give an impression I think that we keep ourselves busy. I should certainly go down the emergency route to get the address as that is a bit of a worry.

Somethings happened that they aren't giving you much information. I did that to my MIL. Although I do tell my husband to take the kids to visit them bi weekly in all fairness.

I rarely know where my son is living - if I ask him he says he can't remember the exact address, or he'll say Hmm it's either 26 or 36 or something like that and he'll let me know later. It's only been since he's turned 40 that he's been reliable about letting me have his phone number. Some people are just like that. He was kind of hard to pin down even as a child.

What do the abbreviations stand for? I must be thick. I don't have a good family situation either, in fact it could be described as being dead although they're alive.

To be honest, it seems very odd not giving you the new address! I am wondering if there are other issues concerning them?

I'd like to make some suggestions. Although I only lived an hour's drive from my mum, and as a family we were fairly close, I constantly felt 'bothered' by her. She would ring at inconvenient times, would get fussed when I didn't have time to talk to her, and want up-to-date information on everything! I just didn't have the time to make her feel the way she wanted to.

Moves are stressful & time-consuming, so I wouldn't read too much into luke-warm responses. I would message 'happy birthday, expect you're much too busy after the move to think about it! will send card & gift when we know your new address'

Could you afford to have a holiday in the area where they live, and include a visit to them? I think family visits can be so stressful, GCs routine interrupted, feeling crowded etc.
From families I know with Dcs/Gcs abroad, one of the best things is to either rent a property in the area, go out and about yourselves, visit the family weekends & some evenings; or plan a holiday of a few weeks travelling around their country / region, visit them for a few days on the way in and out.

My son lives about 20 to 30 min drive away. We are in contact most days by phone just for a chat. The children are teenagers and just 20 so they have their own lives and we in contact by Facebook. Saying, they do contact me when they want advice or help, e.g can you help me with my cv. But they don't visit very much. When I go to my local coffee lounge I see families of several generations enjoying a coffee or lunch but that rarely if ever happens tome but I don't feel I have been a bad parent or in the way. They just have their own lives as I do.

Actually there's one of our AC with who we have very little contact. She's my husband's daughter - she grew up together with mine for most of her childhood. She's married and has a daughter of 21 - very little contact. She and her Dad haven't actually fallen out, but they're both very stubborn. I occasionally speak to them all on the phone and we get on fine, but that's it.Other daughter sees them when she goes up north to visit her Dad (my ex) and they have a good relationship.
So I don't know what to do about them - present husband never mentions them.
People are different - I couldn't bear that if it were me.

Many years ago when my DC were small my DM looked after my youngest while I was at work (her choice). However my DMIL then started saying that we saw my DM every day whilst we only saw her once a week. My DM then said we only saw her because she was looking after the children! Damned if you do and damned if you don't. After a few years of getting it in the neck from both of them we moved 45 miles way. Neither were happy with this but we were . Just goes to show that you can't win whatever you do!!

When I think about it, when I was the age that my children are now I only had time for the children and our friends. I suppose I thought it would be different in that our generation seem to be 'younger' than our parents were and more in tune with younger peoples lives. And also the fact that many of us treated our children as our friends rather than our children. I do see more of my family than a lot of people do, but can't remember the last time I was invited to a social occasion with DD other than the grandchildrens birthday parties. We do have a weeks holiday with both DD and DS, but that is mainly because we provide the accommodation.Weren't even invited to DD's for Christmas last year, but did get an invite to DS's [he kept tactfully trying to point out that we couldn't go to DD's every time I said that we were]! Families, eh...

No Lucky you weren't misunderstoood. Not at all.

I think you could definitely mention the need for a telephone number for emergencies. But it does seem strange they haven't been forthcoming with an address etc. Its not like you would or could turn up out of the blue.

Perhaps a quick call and explain your anxiety - its not unreasonable at all.

My late gran was a bit like that paddyann . Like you I vistited almost every day but always reminded her on a Saturday evening that "tomorrow is Sunday and I won't see you,but don't forget you can ring me in an emergency"
( she always got plenty of visitors on a Sunday ) Many a Sunday morning the phone would ring at some ungodly hour telling me that there was an emergency and that she had run out of bananas ! Grrrrr. I did have a little moan but would give anything to have her back .

Blimey paddyann - talk about ungrateful! You must have the patience of a saint!