Family slipping away

It should not be that difficult to get an address.the problem is the more you try the more you seem to be needy the more they pull away. It's a no win situation. Just send a happy birthday but leave out you couldn't send a present for lack of an address, they have made a point of not sharing an address ,and stating that woukd just be viewed as guilt tripping. Let them settle in and leave it be for a month and then reevaluate. So sorry,it's very painful.

Everyoung65, this thread is over a month old and it seems the OP never came back to it.

Know how you feel our son and DiL never visit us but if they need the grandkids looking after they are on the phone for us to pick them up . I to sometimes feel that we have done something wrong as we don't feel like a family anymore.

Besides, whatever happened to "If you love something, let it go...?" If op backs off a little and dd doesn't want that, she'll reach out more. But perhaps she'll appreciate the lowered contact, etc.

Bluebelle, I see your point, but "less frequently" was what I meant. I wasn't suggesting that the op back off altogether, but just to some degree.

For example, I'm hoping it's just the medium that's the problem where the address is concerned and they'll give it to her on fb. But if not, then, I think, she should stop asking. When they're ready to give it to her, they will. She can still keep in touch with them through fb, etc.

She won't be able to continue sending gifts for now. But maybe they're ok with that.

"Take them out for a meal" - good idea Nfk.
I've booked now to go to mine, but only for 3-4 days. And will probably spend one of those days with another AC.
Also where they live there's a direct train line to London so I hope to spend a day there.

DD1 lives several hours away, works full time and spends her spare time driving DGDs to and from after school clubs etc. We see them two or three times a year and between times the only way we stay in contact is via FB and WhatsApp. Comments I put on FB have to be carefully thought out as all her friends see them too, so, in the OPs case a perhaps remark such as "I'll send your birthday pressie as soon as you forward your address, love mum xx" may jog her into a response?

I have found WhatApp to be a boon. Myself, my two DDs, DS, and DiL are in a group. Pictures are shared and comments fly - sometimes a bit embarrassing for DS but he's used to it with two sisters.

Also, if they are luke warm about you visiting, perhaps it's the worry of having you stay? It can be stressful if you've not lived together for a long while. Perhaps they're thinking you'd be shocked about how their home looks, the way they bring up their children, wanting to see them all the time, so many little worries if you've lost touch a bit. If you were to say you're thinking of holidaying in .... and would like to call and see them while you're staying in ... and it would be lovely to take them out for a meal somewhere they wouldn't feel pressured, feel more relaxed and see more of you than planned.

Philip Pullman wrote in the Times 'our parents are not at all interesting from adolescence onwards. They're the most boring people. By the time we start getting interested in them, they start dying. I want to write down my memories before I forget them.' Sums it all up, really .

From Banksy send them this

Once you 'back off' Starlady the link is broken if it's only you keeping the link together and that's surely how people lose complete contact Even if it were me doing all the running I d still do it albeit less frequently that is with close family, friends I d let go if they weren't bothering

Message them on FB saying sorry you missed their calls and tell them you'll keep your sound turned up in future.

Haven't read all the posts yet, but Nannyrosie, any chance of your turning your sound up long enough to hear those videos? Or checking your tablet in the morning to see if you missed anything? Getting the contact you generally miss, would probably lift your spirits a little.

You say most of your communication with dd and dsil is on fb now. Have you tried asking for the new address on fb, by personal message? If you never get a thank you for dsil's gifts, though, why bother trying to send him one again. It doesn't sound as if he wants or appreciates them.

About the "lukewarm response" to your suggestion of visiting. Maybe they just feel they need more time to settle in before they start having visitors. Or is there an "issue" between you and dd? That might explain a lot.

I would say back off, for now, and wait for an invitation or for them to contact you. That's probably not the advice you wanted to hear. But that's what I truly believe you need to do.

It's all very sad

Nannysparkly I think it's awful that your Son doesn't have you for Xmas dinner

Nananina in answer to your question; Even when I lived abroad, I saw my parents a lot. Every Xmas, either there's or mine and every few months a visit to them or they to me. When I returned to UK, I had my M&D to Sunday dinner each and every week and of course Xmas, as did they with my grandparents. I made a big fuss of them on their birthdays and they were always included in ours and they did have a very busy social life of their own. My children were very close to them and loved them. That's why I find my two [out of three] children's estrangement so out of sync with our family history of caring for one another!
This is page 2, yet to read more another day.....

No time for grandparents anymore. I know it's not just us who complain about the lack of contact with DGC as I hear my friends say the same. Only 10 minutes drive away and haven't seen them for ten weeks now. DiL very unfriendly towards us, became very resentful when we used to see more of them so less contact now to keep her happy!. We're always the ones to suggest a get together and I do sometimes wonder how long it would be it we weren't the ones to suggest getting together. I feel that I don't really know my DGC as they are growing up so quickly and I don't know the things they like or dislike. They have never spent any time on their own with us and we have never been asked to look after them. Before they were born I thought that I was going to be a 'hands on granny'. I never ever thought it might be like this.

I totally understand about heavy busy lifestyles I also understand about not using landlines I don't much myself in fact I was thinking the other day why am I paying for a landline ??? I use FB and messenger just as much as the young people, I also agree if there's a time difference leave your phone /iPad on at night I have mine by the bed and bugger the time if one of my family wanted to speak to me Id be there however sleepy I was .........but to purposely not give you their address is a mystery I was just wondering, could they have moved to a temporary house or could the move not have been to a nice area that they don't want you worrying about, could they have hit some trouble they don't want to talk about ? You don't say what country they live in so we are guessing at things like time differences or if it s a country where the postal system in some areas could be poor or non existent
I think you need to ask them outright next time if there's a problem why they don't want you to have their address but in the meantime if you want to keep channels open keep your sound on day and night at least until you ve established full contact
I find with time difference NZ /Uk it is best to have a set time so once a week on a Sunday morning which is evening for then I ring and we have a quarter of an hour catch up speaking on FB phone other times it would just be messages through FB
With my daughter in Europe she is much more haphazard about time or answering the phone and picking a particular time with her just wouldn't work so most of our chatting is done through messenger with occasional calls as and when ( mostly instigated by me)

Sorry, should have been by phone, not page.tgese I pads change things without you knowing,

What a sad state of affairs, for families to mean so little. Heart goes out to Marnie and others in that position. You bought them into the world, raised them as best you could,, they owe it to you to at least let you know where they live, know if you are still alive and if you are coping, unless they have been abused, there is no excuse. Everyone, whatever there busy schedule can spare 10 minutes a month to communicate by page or sent a letter, unless they are completely self absorbed or mentally ill. My daughter and I don't communicate, but I do have a wonderful son and grandchildren, I feel so much for those of you abondened, because that is what it is and it's cruel.

I learn where DD is by maps on fb, she is in yet another airport waiting to board a plane, three countries this week. If I need to be in contact I send a pm on fb, I never ring as it may not be convenient.
Life is different to when we were young.

I lived three hundred miles away from my parents and remember them ticking me off at one stage for not writing my regular letters (no computers, and they hated the phone) as frequently as usual.

However,this was because I had a lot on my plate with my marriage breaking up and health issues. It was so difficult to talk/write about either. It might be worth finding out if there are any problems where you can give support before you decide they are being thoughtless and uncaring. As FlorenceFlower says - it is easy to misinterpret from a distance.

It was my mum who moved many miles away and, unless we went, did not see her much due to time, children, work on our side ,as well as distance.
It takes a lot of work to deal with long distance families.

I have a DIL who 'owns' my eldest son and who rules the roost by dramas and being critical of other people...making it so difficult for us to keep in touch. Add in eldest grandson who does his own thing completely, another younger GS who is constantly playing rugby/football games and/or training and the family are slipping away.

Youngest son has a very young family and doesn't live that close, he works odd days/odd hours and DIL works 4 days a week. Add in their friends and her family and it's hard to find a time which suits us all to meet up.

Things have changed a lot and I am adapting to seeing my family far less than ever. It's very sad. I miss them.

Worst thing for me is they are not married! Why should I tolerate such bad behaviour when they are nothing to me! ECK!

So sad; DILAW are so selfish!They think they OWN your son.

Dear NannieRose - so sorry that you don't have their address and phone number, it must feel very isolating.

Just a thought, and I may have misunderstood but you said:

'I ......... have had two videos on messenger since but I leave my sound down as I use the tablet overnight, so I miss their calls.'

Is it possible that they think that you don't care enough to leave the sound on to message or speak to them? Could you leave the sound on overnight even if it's just till you contact them?

It's so easy to misinterpret from a distance - or even from the next room! Do keep Facebooking and Messaging and it will hopefully improve.

I agree with other comments - we try to stay in B and B when we visit family abroad or even those who live an hour or two away, although our DDs MiL (i.e. our SiLs mum) goes to stay with the young family whenever she wants plus holidays with them!

I must add that I'm often worried about 'putting my foot in it' if I say anything about childcare etc - so we stick to safe subjects such as politics and religion! I don't recall any of my older relations having such worries.

Hope it goes well for everyone, it can be quite a minefield out with relations and inlaws! ?