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Grandparenting

when your DiL tells your son he is not the father

(11 Posts)
combat queen Sat 22-Jul-17 09:26:33

This has caused so much heartache for us all. A nervous breakdown for our son, estrangement and confusion for his brothers, shock and feelings of betrayal for us and for DiL's parents. Grandson is nearly 5 but disclosure only offered 6 months ago. Paternity test this week has eventually confirmed her statement. They are separated but "on good terms" - our son is planning to follow her abroad to be near his son, legally his son as he is named on the Birth Certificate. We are worried sick for him. Should we just hold our breath and keep our fingers crossed? There has been another "affair" since. Feeling very unsure as to what to do. Nothing?

Baggs Sat 22-Jul-17 09:32:22

Yes, doing nothing is definitely the best course you could take.

kittylester Sat 22-Jul-17 09:34:20

I agree with baggs. But be supportive!

glammanana Sat 22-Jul-17 09:35:17

How very sad for your family cq nothing in this world can change the love you all have for this little man just be there for your son and keep relationship open with your DIL and see how things go in the future they may be able to overcome the problem themselves just make sure your boy knows you back him with everything he does.flowers

gillybob Sat 22-Jul-17 09:41:41

How very sad for your family combatqueen

It's not the fact that your son is not the little boys biological father is it? It's the deception and obviously leading him to believe he was and then cruelly dropping this bombshell.

You or your son won't love the little one any less you know. Just be there for them and do try to keep on the good side of your DiL (I know that sounds pathetic but she could make things very difficult if she thinks the boat is being rocked) .

If everyone behaves as adults and puts the little ones best interests first then it should all work out okay.

Tallulah57 Sat 22-Jul-17 10:17:00

Agree with glammanana and gillybob must be awful for you, your family and especially your son, does the little man know? Sending you lots of hugs and flowers.

BlueBelle Sat 22-Jul-17 10:27:17

You have no choice but to accept this has happened and carry on as before with whatever support you can give to them all ...It's worrying that you're son is following overseas if he is very vulnerable after a nervous breakdown and as they are apart will he have any support himself in a strange place? As they are sperated is she going overseas to be near her family or for a new clean start ? How will that work will he have employment, a home alone, a big upheaval for the young chap who has probably just started school if he's over 5 Lots of unanswered questions including what made her disclose after 5 years ?

combat queen Mon 24-Jul-17 17:46:32

Thank you all. Yes, I think I must just get on with it. Little grandson is very loving and certainly treats me as his Nanny and keeps telling me how much he loves me and says "I miss you" when we have finished our Skype calls. For the moment he doesn't know the situation, no. I am worried for my son, who has no support networks abroad and doesn't know what DiL has told her colleagues and friends. Yes, the most hurtful thing is the deceit over the 5 years. I can't bear to think back over all the lies and subterfuge. Son has a job to go to, DiL too. Don't know why the disclosure now. Biological father is married with 4 children, the affair lasted for 4 years, his wife doesn't know and he doesn't want contact with GS. Staying on good terms with DiL is going to be very hard.

DanniRae Tue 25-Jul-17 13:12:13

No answers - just sending my love to you and some flowers xx

Morgana Tue 25-Jul-17 16:55:38

What a difficult situation. You can only be there for your son and grandson. I can imagine how hard it must be to remain civil to daughter Iin law. What a piece of work she is. Commiserations.

Luckylegs9 Wed 26-Jul-17 17:21:09

What a dreadful situation for you all but how much more your son. All those lies and deceit, it's going to be a tough call meeting with dil I have no answers as all you can do is be there for your son and grandson, sending you 💐 it will all work out in the end, but that doesn't help you much now I know.