New grandparent

I was never very maternal, but brought up my sons to the best of my ability. I now have four grandchildren, and they have become more interesting as they developed into little people. Give it time, Mortaff, and you may start to bond with your new grandchild as their personality comes to the fore.

As for what you want to be called, just tell your family, your preferred name. I like being called grandma, but it's your choice.

My advice is to smile and make the right noises to your little grandchild and see how the situation develops. In time, I'm sure you will bond with the new arrival.

Obviously it's difficult for u. I think you re mentally struggling to move into a different stage of ur life, being a grandparent can signify getting older ! There s no need to be called gran, granny, etc. The child will find its own name for u when it starts to talk. My kids called my mum by an abbreviation of her surname when they were trying to speak , and called her that till she died! You will certainly love the child when it gets a bit older and interactive. Babies aren't all that interesting to many folk. It's wonderful being a granny, and there are many young grans. Give urself time! But do show interest just now even if u have to force a smile.

This is not unusual at all. I felt the same way about my grandchildren. I really had to work at not letting the indifference show. After a while they grew on me but even now I love them and I care for them but nothing like the love I feel for my own children. I'm ok about it and I'm very happy for the other grandparents to be more involved. There's no written law that says you MUST love your grandchildren. People are too quick to judge aren't they. Don't worry about it - one day you might suddenly realise you're in love but then again you might not. The main thing is to try hard not to show any lack of support or interest in the little ones. Good luck ?

I feel so sorry for you.......try to feel happiness for you son and wife and be
glad the baby is healthy, you will I'm sure grow the love the little person. Are you worried they will ask you to babysit?....just make clear that altho you love the baby you do not feel confident about babysitting. I'm not called Granny...i have 8 delightful grandchildren and they have a variety of names for me! I must admit to being rather shocked that you referred to the baby as 'it'
While not wishing to judge you in anyway I think you could start by calling at least referring to the baby as 'he'or 'she' and hopefully in the family situation by name.
I have to wonder at your own experiences......as a child...and as a mother......these must have some bearing on your attitude to this little mite.

Mortaff, from your post, I think what is making you so unhappy is not the lack of excitement and love in relation to your grandchild, but rather your own expectations and feelings of failure. Not every woman wants to be a mother, so inevitably, not every woman will especially want to be a grandmother. You do not have to love this child s/he does not need that from you. S/he need their parents to love them. So long as you smile and say nice things, give gifts at appropriate times etc, all will be well. Choose a 'nana' type of name that you are happy enough with and say you would like to be called that. Tell those concerned that you don't want to be called 'granny'. It's not unusual. Remember that the mother's mother tends to be the favoured grandparent (all things being equal) for visits, babysitting etc, if they too live nearby. This often causes upset, but it won't in your case and that will make for much easier relationships all around.

You are not the only one who feels this way. I have two daughters and a son. My son is estranged since I divorced his father. That broke my heart for years. When it happened, he had a 1-year-old that I had only seen on three occasions (daughter-in-law's mother had lots of visits and she lived around the corner to us). I grieved hard for the loss of my son, but I hardly knew my grandson, so not seeing him after the estrangement didn't really bother me. My son went on to have two more children. I found out about them from one of my daughters, who discovered it on Facebook (he cut her off too). My other daughter didn't bring it up with me because she didn't want to upset me further. So many people assume that the most difficult aspect of it all is having no contact with those grandchildren. This could not be further from the truth. I don't know those children, so I feel nothing for them (cue horrified gasps). I wish them well as I would with any child. Otherwise, nothing. My oldest daughter has three children who I am very fond of and have lovely relationships with. My youngest is just expecting her first child. I am surprised to find I am more interested in her being pregnant (maybe because she is the baby of the family?), I am looking forward to the arrival of this child. I may find I love her/him, but I don't expect to become the archetypal doting grandmother.

Just let it be what it is. Be kind to yourself and to your grandchild and everything will be fine.

Yes, that has been pointed out, but the op was asking for advice.

It??

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be called gran, or nan, or any variation.. my grandsons grandad on the 'other' side won't answer to anything other than his name. Its not important.

Well if you enjoyed your own children better when they grew up, then the same thing will probably happen with any grandchildren you have. Just try and keep friendly with them until they get there so there is still a relationship to enjoy when the time comes :D

If you get on well with your son and his wife, I would suggest you mention to one or both of them, that you feel sadly out of practice with babies, or that you never felt you were really good with infants. By saying something you are preventing yourself wondering whether they have noticed that you aren't among the crowd hanging drooling over the pram.

Your daughter in law may even be thrilled that there is one less person waking her baby at inconvenient moments. I clearly remembering wanting to strangle the father of a little girl I was baby sitting who always woke the child the minute I had, at long last, got her to sleep.

There's nothing odd these days about someone not wanting to be called Gran or Mum by daughters or sons in law, so just say you would rather the little one is allowed to call you by your given name.

Mortaff you're opening statement is intetesting. You're judging 'Granny' pretty harshly. You seem to be turning your back on your grandchild because of what, you judge, having one says about you - the image? Time to grow up?

I'm not too much of a person for babies or children in general
Everyone said I would change when the grandchildren came along, but I find I'm still not all gooey over them.
I do, however, love them fiercely, although that took a long time coming. Its just the way I am, and hopefully, those that love me accept that about me. I didn't babysit for my oldest grandson until he was 4!!

sorry that should read
never to be messed about with words

Dear Mortaff, I want thank you for being so honest with your feelings about the lack of love you feel towards your children and grandchild. Being so open means you are on your way towards 'healing'.

I became a grandma at 52 and thought and was disturbed by the new title I now am. I thought I was not old enough and that my 'youth' (or vanity) would finally have to be relinquished.

I accepted 'grandma' eventhough I thought in my mind it is very aging, but hearing my GD call me grandma makes me proud.

May I please rewind my story of when my first born son arrived. I was perplexed about how I was going to love this child. There was only one thing to do. Pretend. Pretend for those moment by whispering in his ear and out loud repeatedly, when no one was about those precious words 'I LOVE YOU'. That did it for me. Those life giving, never to messed about with words I think cracked open the cold hardness of my heart.

May I suggest that you have for a photo of your grandbaby and say those words to the photo. When you next see your grandbaby, repeat the mantra in the quietness of your heart. Yes it may feel 'fake' initially but one day say those words to your grandbaby. It will overwhelm you.

So don't worry about how you feel. Tell your negative feelings that they can go hang. Take no notice of them. So please, take on board the advice given by all those lovely people and just pretend for the sake of loving which will one day come.

Good luck

SO SORRY.....Mortaff.....

Keep all the avenues open with both generations. 'I'm not really a baby person' may be your refrain. Do all the things you feel a gran should do e.g. buying toys or whatever. Wait until little one starts talking to find a name. Fortunately for me (by accident) I'm called Granny followed by my name, then I hang onto a bit of my identity.

Morfar. ....Good luck with your life as a
Grandma......I hope you unravel your feelings.....it may take time but I think you'll be OK.

Little girls can be fun and loving towards their Grandma so you have a lot to look forward to.

In the meantime it may be worth the expense of talking it over with a family therapist ?

Mortaff, Of course I will not reject the baby and will strive to respond to her in an appropriate manner until such a time she becomes a person with her own right and we can interact properly.

You will do well, being a granny is not a fit for lots of women. My sister has never watched her GC, visits them once or twice a year, and is fine to how it all settled. Interacting properly will come in time.

As a rather doting GM I was sad to read your post. You chose to have children - and you appear to love them - so I hope you will come to love your grandchildren. They can be messy and tiring but the love and hugs make up for everything. You don't have to be called grandma - choose something else - it's only a name!! I'm sure your children would be upset to know you feel this way - try to hide your feelings and thoughts from them. Did your parents feel this way when you had your children.

It's funny that I read this today. I don't have grandchildren yet but I was at work this morning and overheard two ladies talking about being free of their grand kids 'for now' until they start looking after the next one and I had this sudden feeling of dread. A thought went through my head -"that sounds awful" I thought. I'm so pleased my girls are almost flown and I don't look forward to looking after their kids. I think everyone has a right to feel the way they do. My sister's mother in law told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn't going to look after her children and she never did, they visited but that was it really. Maybe you'll enjoy them more when they're older, just don't feel bad for feeling that way.

Thank you all again for the mostly very positive comments although some fail to realise that I wrote my first post in a fog of despair. Of course I will not reject the baby and will strive to respond to her in an appropriate manner until such a time she becomes a person with her own right and we can interact properly. Whilst still apparently being in the minority, I can see that there is plenty of time to grow to love her as much as I feel I should. It will be ok (and by it I mean life) ?

I cannot pretend to know what makes you not want to be a grandmother - but those words struck me - YOU don't want to be a grandmother - is that about you or the baby? It's about you The baby makes you a grandmother, and that is not what you want... is it s status that you don't see in yourself?

My granddaughter calls me 'Magic Granny' - what better title could anyone have.

My sister in law does not like babies. She had two, but admits she would have rather had them presented to her as adults, she did not like the baby bit - perhaps you are a little like that.

Forget the word Grandmother - that generates images that perhaps you don't like. Maybe you can ask your son and his wife not to call you Gran/granny/nan/ nana or anything like that - think of another name that suits you and your personality, or suggest that they call you by your christian name or nickname and that might reduce the idea of 'Grandmother' in your mind.... Good Luck!

Babies can be uber boring.perhaps you will feel more for him later

Hi Mortaff - becoming a grandparent is a big life change, isn't it? And that can bring on anxiety and depression. I was super anxious when my granddaughter was born, and I didn't handle things very well, to be honest. I should have gone to the Doctor to have a chat and a checkup a lot sooner than I did. He prescribed something for anxiety and depression which really helped. Also, you may be gong through peri-menopause, or even menopause, which also can bring on depression. Have a chat with your doctor - ask for a double appointment time so you have a chance to really talk with him/her.

I was thrilled to become Granny at the age of fifty, but my own mother, who had suffered psychosis after my birth, had no interest in my children. She didn't want to hold them or cuddle them and only really liked them when they were teenagers and were able to sit with her when my father went out, as she was in poor health. As a side note, responding to another poster, my own grandmother decided that she was to young to be a grandmother when I was born and she was 56. I had to call her by her first name, with which I was very uncomfortable. I'd much have preferred to call her grandma.