New grandparent

Give it time you may be like a lot of people and enjoy children more when they interact more not everyone wants to be grandparents just like some people don't want children it's nothing to ashamed of but keep them feelings to yourself and and please don't keep calling child it .

For some women it is more of a psychological thing becoming a grandmother and often age related. I was 42 when I first became a gran...although looking forward to it...a bit sad that my husband and me would not have the special time together between our children leaving home and having time to do all the things we promised ourselves before becoming grandparents, as we started our family very young. However little people have a way of charming you and before long you can"t wait until you see them again.Now have five grandchildren and love them to bits...just wished we lived closer so that we could see more of them.

I'm pretty sure you will fall in love with this little one. Let nature take it's course and stop worrying. Please don't voice your feelings to the babies parents though. I have a friend who is 64. She always said she didn't want to be a granny and wouldn't look after grandchildren. Well, her son and daughter are not going to be having children, and my friend is realising what she's missing out on.

I think there's a ridiculous amount of pressure on grand parenting these days, partly because so many look after their grandchildren so that their children can work....that's another issue....but I would see this from another perspective..you're free to make as much or little of your role as a grandmother. No-one can dictate how you should feel or what you should do. I know you feel the need to appear enthusiastic in front of family but they're not on your doorstep so maybe you can pull out the stops for those family visits at the moment so as not to rock the boat. Then, consider the good times you did have with your own children when they were growing up and look forward maybe to a time when you can have a few moments like that...there will be something you enjoyed. Personally, I feel I've done my upbringing of children and I don't want to be drawn into it again..I love playing certain things with my grandchild and avoid like the plague doing other stuff..I think that's what it's about...all the joy and none of the worry. I don't think that's selfish, although some might...I just think it's my prerogative now. Relax if you can...and look forward to some good times in the future.

I think it's making you feel old. I was first a grandparent at 49 and had a lot of input and input carried on with my grandchildren until the fourth. I now have six and now just overwhelmed with them. Feel guilty because I do more for some and not the others. One particular grandson is not very nice which I find hard. I don't actually want to be in his company. It's a minefield of emotions. Then the parents and how they bring them up can be frustrating. We are all different. Even gransnetters saying they adore all their grandchildren makes me feel guilty. I am sure you will feel more attached as you go along.

Don't beat yourself up about this, we are all different.
Personally I think he/she will grow on you bit by bit and you will end up being an adoring grandmother eventually.
I don't like the name Granny either, so I am Nan to my 4 grandchildren.
I have really loved all of them from the day they were born, but having done a lot of looking after them I must admit there were times when I resented being so tied.
Nevertheless, being a grandparent is an enriching experience and I fervently hope you will enjoy it in time. This new baby is a little person in it's own right so give it a chance and you will grow to love him or her.

I don't like being a grandmother either as it seems to fill me with terrible stress when looking after them that something will happen and the responsibility is just awful for me and I find it so hard to cope. They are 6 and 10 and I dread school holidays having to drive the 20 miles to care for them twice a week, take them out keep them safe. Best if very far away so can't be put in position of doing the child care. I do understand how you feel though.

I am quite easy with the title Nanna but am in some quarters called Grandma. Took a bit of getting used to but it's our personal perceptions that are the problem isn't it?
I quite agree that newborns do not have an immediate appeal to all of us. I feel a much stronger affinity with babies once they "get their batteries in" - usually around 3 months. Then there is that golden time when so much happens until they start to walk followed by the stresses of keeping track of their movements.

Go through the motions of being caring/excited, but don't over do it. Accept how you feel. Then, hopefully, one day - bang - you will fall in love.

This happened to me. I was looking after baby for the day. I took him out in his pushchair. When we got back he was laying in this pushchair, looked up at me, into my eyes, with the happiest huge smile ever. Bang - I literally felt something 'falling' inside me as I abruptly fell in love with him.

You can't make it happen, but it hopefully will, just when you aren't expecting it. Now I love every fibre of the little fellow.

I find small babies terrifying; after the birth of DS I had a nasty bout of PND which flattened me for months. I did find the courage to have another child and was fine, but took a while to bond with both babies. A kind word from a district nurse made me feel so much better. She said that sometimes you can fall in love at first sight with a partner, sometimes it takes a while, and why should it be any different with a baby? However, when my first GC came along,although I found him alarming too in his helpless, tiny, wobbly headed way, he is the dearest child and life without him would be unimaginable - I love him like my own children. You may be a person who needs to see a smile, a response, or anything 'human' rather than a small bundle of screaming before you can start to connect. Be kind to yourself - you must be a good person to be concerned; do give yourself plenty of time and don't be too hard on yourself - we are all different, and that doesn't mean wrong.

Op, were you still very young when you became a parent yourself? If so, I have seen the same type of "non interest" in my own mom with my children. She was a young mom and still a child herself...I think it was all too much responsibility at such a young age. Today she is only 50 and I'm 32 with three children myself. I think she may feel overwhelmed by the noise and busyness of my children and that she just wants to enjoy her life without "hassle"...when she should have been a teen/young adult enjoying life and being social, she was at home looking after three kids. I understand that this is where she comes from and I don't for one second judge her for that. I'm sure I would also feel somewhat the same if I had had a similar start.. I do see that she is a lot more negative in her ways and that's OK. Maybe she feels robbed of life so to speak. She was a great mom, she was always around, she always gave her best and I appreciate that. Yes, she sh have been serially involved at such a young age but hey, things happen. Don't feel like you're alone. You certainly aren't. Much love xx

You say that you had bonding issues with your first son,now resolved.Perhaps when your grandchild is a little older with his personality developing and doing the cute things that little ones do,you may feel differently.In the meantime,I would avoid being negative around the family and focus on the little things that might help you bond-first smile or crawling for example.

I was born to be a Nan, my GC gladden my heart, and I perfectly understand not everyone feels like me.....but it....really !!!

Oops Not call granny should be called granny.

I just love being call granny by my 6 grandchildren. 4 are English and 2 are Scottish and just hearing them shout granny gives me enormous feelings of love. Each one is so precious to me and individual in their own right. Here's hoping you can fall in love with your grandchild at an early age or at least pretend in some little way. You don't need to do the gushing bit like some - little steps at a time may help you to accept this bundle of joy in your own terms. All the best and good luck.

The first thing I noticed was that you haven't mentioned if it is a boy or a girl, just "it". At this stage I can understand that you don't feel anything or want to cuddle "it" but I'm sure when the baby develops its own personality and reaches out to you and smiles at you, you will develop feelings for him/her. A very strong feeling that I had was that my grandchildren were the product of my own children who I loved and this was just an extension of my love for them. As you said you struggled to love your first son, I am sure you will eventually develop feelings for this new baby. As you don't live too near, you are not having to see the baby on a daily basis and if you can I would just try not to worry, but as others have said, certainly disguise your feelings to your son and wife.

I'm not judging, but, try to stop referring to your grandchild as "it"

Mortaff - your honesty is refreshing and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Not everyone is busting to be a Gran, just as not everyone wants to be a parent.

As it is still not "PC" to say so, I would pretend that you are excited about the baby, show an interest in how the baby is getting on and keep your feelings to yourself as they may (or may not) change.

My friend's DH absolutely hated the baby stage with their 2 boys and kept his distance from feeding, nappy changes, etc. But when they started walking and talking, a protective streak kicked in and he wanted to help them communicate and he has never looked back.

You are a young Gran and have plenty of time to develop a relationship with the GC in time if you want to. And choose a name you are happy with, not what others think you should be called.

Perhaps other Gransnetters can suggest different names?

Luckily for me, the MIL was already established with the 'granny' tag with pre-existing grandchildren so I opted for nan/nanny (my daughter asked me how I wanted to be referred to). I didn't feel instant love for my first grandchild although I certainly liked her and was pleased to have her.

It was lovely to see how my daughter fell instantly in love with her though just as I did with her (all throughout my pregnancy I hadn't felt that I really wanted children at all and only agreed to do so because I was 30 and my the husband wanted them.

With my second grandchild I did feel more love for her straight away. My daughter commented that she was amazed how she could love another child when she loved her first one so much (but I knew that already). We both had two girls so have a lot in common and I had kept most of their toys.

I'm sure you will bond with your grandchild over the years but don't feel pressurised to do any large amounts of childcare that you don't feel comfortable with as it will build resentment.

I don't like babies . I loved my own boys but couldn't wait to go back to work to get away from them . We fostered for over 20 years but always teenagers. I have been a grandmother since I was 38 when one of my adopted daughters had a baby . I choose to be called Granny lol.
I am now a great grandmother and have a large brood or grandchildren /great grandchildren I adore . My family are aware that I am not a baby fan and that I much prefer them when the are toddlers onward .
Please give it time and yes put on an act if need be . It's a big change when you suddenly become part of the grandparent generation but not the end of life as you know it .

maybe your not a baby person not everyone gushes over babies , there is nothing wrong with that ,keep on as you are at least your not monopolising the baby , when you get your first smile meant for you feelings will probably change , as far as the name you decide what you want to be called , don't beat yourself up take it a day at a time ..

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I think its quite telling that you call the baby 'it' - are you trying to distance yourself by not assigning gender?

It might be useful to talk over your feelings with a professional. I'm sure your GP could put you in touch with someone. It clearly won't change the situation but could definitely help you to understand why you feel like you do and take steps to improve and enjoy your relationship with your new grandchild. Best of luck!

Lots of medical advice now about not letting babies be picked up too much in the first month
Hope the baby morphs into someone really special for you