New grandparent

I think you need to see a professional to discuss this issue and get to the root cause of why you feel this way. In the meantime you are right to try to conceal your feelings in front of your family although at some point they may pick up on your negativity.

Nothing wrong with being forthright, or does everything have to be sugar coated on gransnet? I was just stating the truth, you made it sound like the child receives something directly from you therefore it's not some one else's child. But that child doesn't receive anything from you, except the relationship and love that comes after it's born, its genes it receives from your adult son or daughter, who received theirs from you, that's what makes you part of their extended family and related to them.

Gransnet is a public forum. Just because someone has never posted before doesn't mean they are new. How very presumptuous of you.

Ok I'll rephrase since everything gets nitpicked "you don't have to love anyONE".

As is it, which has resurfaced. I heard someone on a bus telling a mother with a crying baby to shut it up and I felt like going for him (though as he looked as though he'd just done a stretch for GBH I confined myself to a Care Bear stare and a word of encouragement to the mum).

anything
An odd way to refer to a child

I'm judging no-one.
Although I do sometimes wonder about some posts which appear from new posters which seem to be quite - well, forthright.

I do know a tiny bit about genetics

Yes Jalima1108 it is someone else's child, because the child is not yours, is not an extension of you, other adults are that child's parents, and you happen to be related one of them.

That child shares and has its parents genes, and you share genes with only one of those parents, not directly to the child. It takes 2 to make a baby not 4.

No one has to love anything just because you are related. Everyone is entitled to feel how they want and shouldn't be judged.

Why should you love someone else's child?
Lots of people manage it - otherwise no-one would ever adopt a child and bring the child up with love and care.

Someone else's child , a DGC is not your child but will presumably carry some of your genes.

I think it's great you're being honest. Why should you love someone else's child? Personally I think there's too much emphasis put on the status of 'grandparent'. In time you may grow to like it - even love it, but if you don't then you at least have my support. Enjoy your life your way and use any name you want to - sack the Granny/Gran/Grandma choices.

One lady I know said she never wanted to be a grandma, now she adores her little grandson, sometimes you just have to give it time, more are hands on, others not so much. Just pretend at first, maybe the love will come.

I agree, Luckylegs9. "That you don't want to be a grandparent is not that unusual."

That you don't want to be a grandparent is not that unusual. Why do you refer to an innocent baby as it. I cannot understand that I must admit. If I heard my baby called it, that would be a real issue for me and I don't normally let things get to me.

I have a new grandchild who I'm crazy about but the other gran not only lives closer and is more involved but is economical with the truth but how often she is there and what she does. According to her she is there "all the time" and even takes him swimming. It just makes me laugh. He is my sixth grandchild and her first. I just think she is over excited and possessive and when she sees no one is challenging her she will relax. No skin off my nose.

Mortaff, I felt like you when y first grandsons were thrust upon me and whilst I bought the obligatory pram, cooed over baby I felt as if I want ready for this responsibility. However ten years down the line I now have nine grandchildren, ten soon and reassured that my actual responsibilities are few but the smiles, the outstretched arms from toddlers make it all worthwhile. Remember a time with your boys that was very special to you - chances are the ages associated with your boys will be replicated with your grandchild. It has made me greater friends with my children too, shared moans and happy times, memories come flooding back of their childhoods. It will be OK, if you don't want to be hands on then don't be and don't worry about it.

Your GC doesn't have any expectations of you Mortaff and that is who matters. Just be yourself, whatever you are you will be the child's GP. Call yourself anything you want it can be your name, a nick name or any thing you like. If others expect things of you that is their problem, you shouldn't be required to meet them. You will bring a unique and personal contribution to the child's life however you choose to be involved. I think sometimes we are now expected to conform to a GP norm whereas there have always been different sorts of GPs some very hands on and cuddly, some more distant and formal with their GCs, some strict and bossy. Relax and be yourself, you may find that you enjoy and appreciate your GCs when you are able to stop worrying.

Personally I have no GC yet, one DD. I feel that the love between a parent and their child is partly biological (and after all essential for the continuation of the species!) and I don't see why that would be the case for grandchildren?

I understand how you feel because I too am lacking the feeling of intense love some, most, grandmothers seem to feel . I wish I did feel the same love I felt for my 3 children but it just never happened. Instead I act as if I did.
We live near by and we look after her in the school holidays, pick her up from school several times a week, take her to after school classes etc. She often stays the night so her parents can go out. We do things with such as cooking, outings, board games etc.
I believe that love does not have to be an emotion. I care about her and want her to do well in life and would rush to her defence if she were in trouble. I have come to believe that that is love. I am quite sure no one other than my husband knows my lack of expected granny lovey feelings. I wish I had the feelings but it just didn't happen. I don't think it helps to be told those feelings will come. What if the don't?
Just act the part and things will work out one way or another. But never share the problem with the parents.

starlily106 What a lovely end to a sad story, I'm really happy that things turned out so well for you all

I love newborns, some people don't, we are all different, just wait until he/ she says grandma, or whatever you decide to be called, there is nothing like it.
I became a grandma at 45 and I thought that was too young but I was wrong, I loved it.I love all my Grandchildren, I have 5, and I hope that one day you will feel the same, don't beat yourself up about it, just give it time.

As others have said, put on your best oh my gosh, he/she is gorgeous act. And by degree, that baby will wiggle its way into your heart.
Or you could be the glamorous gran who just wafts in every now and then on a cloud of perfume with a gift and a kiss before getting the hell out of there for cocktail hour (fancy that one for myself)!

its because you don't say if this child is a boy or girl.

I have never wanted to be a grandparent and certainly hated the idea of being called Granny etc.
It often comes with the territory of being a parent, though.

You do sound as if you could be depressed, perhaps at the thought of getting older.
However, getting older is better than the alternative and I have friends who have not had the opportunity to see their baby DGC grow into interesting children.

The other thought is that I wonder if you have had a struggle letting your sons go and make their own way in life - do you have feelings of possessive jealousy and do not want them to transfer their love to a wife and family? If so, I am sure that they love you no less than they did before. But, of course, if they have an inkling of how you feel they may all distance themselves from you.

They say that every baby 'brings its own love with him or her' - it's a pity if you don't want to share in that but perhaps you may when the baby develops its own personality.

My message of 10:12:17 this morning has been removed by GransnetHQ as the last line was apparently classed as 'trollhunting'.

So here is the message again, with the offending last line removed.....

Mortaff
"If you tried calling your new Grandchild him or her instead of 'IT' you may find yourself bonding more!
I would never judge anyone for not feeling instant love for a baby, however, calling any child 'IT' is appalling, and in particular your own flesh and blood!

I feel exactly as you do and agree with Venus' advice. I am 10 years on with 4 grandchildren but didn't want to be a Nan only for the reasons of not being naturally maternal and having just discovered freedom and new found independence after bring up my own children. However I do love all my GC in my own way.

I have always said you choose to be a parent but you don't chose to be a Nan.

My only advice would be, be kind to yourself, give yourself time to let things slip into place and find the fit that fits YOU and your family that you are all comfortable with.

And don't try and compete with the other Nan if there is one because she might be a completely different person. We are all different and should be allowed to be ourselves.

Good luck.

As it is your sons baby and not your daughters could it be that you are worried you'll become attached to it and if they split up then contact may cease?and distancing yourself now will save you from hurt later?
I had a conversation with my mil when my baby was very small saying whatever happened between me and her son I would ALWAYS allow her to see her grandchild.she actually cried and said I'd hit the nail on the head as she was worried about this.After that she bonded with said child just as much as she had her own daughters children.

I wouldn't worry to much about it I'm sure the baby's other granny will pick up the slack and you can jump in when you feel ready