Trying not to worry but......

I felt like that with my second child. Can I love this child as much as my first?

I had the same feeling with my DGS2 you get to "fall in love" with them.
DGS2 was wary of us appearing every two weeks or so from when he was eight months, (the age when many babies become wary of strangers) and cried when we appeared. Then he realised we were not scary. He is now a lovely friendly wee lad.

It's one thing I've always said & felt ' unconditional love'. I have 5 daughters so over the years have had a few run-ins though to be fair & honest there's not really that many I recall. So we've had our moments and as a memorable comment I remember another mum saying "Sometimes I don't even like you much but.....I'll always love you"
Pretty much sums up my years of parenting!

That's it in a nutshell, isn't it: 'Carry on loving!'

It is - hopefully - something we can do unconditionally (without being a doormat).

It is a minefield when your daughter becomes a Mother or can be , we worry about being a 'pushy parent' just for caring and it does hurt to be kept at arms length or even be pushed away completely which happened in my case , my daughter has even talked about emigrating with her husband and my Grandchildren for a better life outside the UK and is so independent it does hurt sometimes but I have decided to always just make sure I have contact with her and make arrangements to get together and she has recently agreed to a family holiday together which has never happened since she was a teenager! So take it as it comes and don't give up on persuing contact and get togethers as sometimes I think my daughter does not even like me but I reckon she does like me more than I think , well she does now and it took time and consistency and not giving up
P.S I think they have scrapped the plan to move abroad although I still have to be prepared for that and 'carry on loving'

Goodness me, it gets worse - really do not know what happened there in paragraph two either - obviously too het up to check properly - apologies for anyone trying to make sense of it - hope you get the gist anyway! And yes. I am previewing before posting now!

"FullH3art* - I feel your response shows sadly limited supportive as I could be to my DD1. My post was also met with some derision and insensitivity that nearly put me off CN for good at the time."

Oh bother! that first paragraph went badly wrong. it should have read something like...

...I feel your post shows sadly limited understanding. When I first joined GN, I posted about similar anxieties to icbn. I was trying to work out how to be as supportive as I could be for DD1, but had been surprised and somewhat knocked off kilter by experiencing a wealth of complex and sometimes negative emotions that I did not want to transmit to her, or burden her with. My post was also met with some derision and insensitivity that nearly put me off CN for good at the time."

As I have posted elsewhere - GN seems a lot friendlier these days.

Good for you icbn.

FullH3art* - I feel your response shows sadly limited supportive as I could be to my DD1. My post was also met with some derision and insensitivity that nearly put me off CN for good at the time.

This should be a safe and kindly space to explore what is sometimes complex and emotionally charged territory. I understanding. When I first joined GN I voiced similar anxieties - all part of trying to work out how to be as for one was distressed and really knocked off kilter to find myself reacting negatively to certain dynamics surrounding the birth if my first grandson. I did not expect any negatives at all and certainly did not want to burden my DD with my own 'issues' so sought advice here.

Funnily enough, in my experience of raising four children, teaching hundreds, supporting new mothers, bereaved families and people with mental health difficulties, the concept of 'get over yuorself' has never yet proven to be helpful ...

If you read around other threads ... I think feeling the need to address this / defend people in need was the beginnings of my grumpy-woman-syndrome today!

I have wanted to give a measured response and am sorry if I have failed, but I passionately believe it is okay to express sadness, weakness and doubt and not unreasonable to expect it to be met with compassion and kindness.

Yes Jalima. My eldest is currently expecting. Second eldest is mum to my 3 yr g'son.
Very different girls.

I've got a bit - is it another DD who is expecting this baby than the one who is the mother of your DGC?
My DD are chalk and cheese!

Of course being a mum to 5 children naturally goes hand in hand with putting my own needs, wants and feelings first!!
Looking after my grandson 12 hours a day 2 days of the week. Allowing my daughter to continue working without paying extortionate child care costs, again thinking of, yes, just me again.
I post on these forums for a bit of guidance. 9 times out of 10 I find the advice given helpful & reassuring.

Just try to remember this is all about you of course. As we all know, children are emotionally scarred of they don't worship their grandmothers. "The idea of not being important enough". Yes, I completely understand. A lot of mothers would be more concerned with their own child becoming a new mom and wanting what is best for her. But you are rightfully concerned with only yourself. Good luck with all that.

Don't worry everything will fall into place once baby is here. Take your lead from your DD, don't interfere, things are different to our day, advice has totally changed even since DGS1 was born 7 years ago to when DGS2 was born 10 weeks ago. Make sure your DD knows you're there for here & will be on hand as required.

I understand how you feel. I have one very independent daughter who married a boy who has two younger brothers and no sisters. His mother idolizes her three grown up sons and they, in turn, adore their mother because she is a very generous hearted person who has always put her sons needs above her own. She lives for her sons and their families and is the most giving grandmother to her seven grandchildren.

When our daughter was expecting her first child I found this situation so challenging to live with, and when first grandchild was born I definitely sensed that my daughter was keeping me at "arm's length" and trying to balance/manage equal time to both grandparents! I really struggled with this because in my mind I expected my daughter would want more of my support and experience, simply because I was her mother! Several times during those early years I sat and explained to her how I felt, that she was my daughter and as much as I liked her mil, I still felt a bit resentful that she kept herself somewhat "distant" from my overwhelming desire to have a close adult mother/daughter relationship, and that I was very conscious that she was carefully sharing her life and grandson equally between the two of us.

Looking back now, what a waste of emotion that all was! I should have realized that we had raised an independent daughter and she was choosing to lead her life her way and that was how it was going to continue! But the irony of this story is that fast forward 15 years, they now have three children, we live in the same town and can enjoy being in our grandkids lives. But we also involve ourselves in our "retirement" hobbies and see our friends frequently.....we love our active lives! Whereas our daughter's mil is still "laying down her life" for her sons and their family and she is beginning to become a concern. She is now a widow - only takes holiday with her sons and their families, had no interests outside the home and very very few close friendships because her sons, their wives and her seven grandkids are the centre of her world and her one and only interest in life. Our daughter still has an independent streak in her, but generally speaking we get along well. I now understand the role I play in her life - and I realise she is respectful and grateful that we have both developed interests and friends beyond the limits of our immediate family. We still have the energy and desire to embrace life and yet take pleasure in being active happy grandparents to her three great kids without wanting them around 24/7. It's all work out very well.......funny how life comes full circle at times!

There are lots of reasons why your DD might be distant, not least the one concerned with her own anxieties as the birth of her first child approaches. If as you say, she has always been independent and career-orientated, the push into motherhood will have her thinking about all sorts of issues relating to her own identity - she will be apprehensive about being out of control of her life as she gets closer to the arrival of the baby time when for the first time in her life she (DD) may have to respond to baby's wants rather than being proactive. The good relationship with mil is something to celebrate - it could be much worse. However, I would always say it's up to you to establish the relationship you want with your new GC. By the way do you know what your DD thinks of your good relationship with your GS from your other daughter? She might already know what you want and just be more distant because of the advancing pregnancy and more anxiety. She's probably trying to control things - and doesn't know how to encourage more contact. Go to see her and offer support, tell her how much you enjoy thinking about her babyhood - it will remind her of your close bond. Good luck.

I too only have sons and would have loved to have had a daughter ( as well!) However I know I am very fortunate to have five healthy lads. One possible DIL is lovely!

Just read your final sentence again. Now make that happen...

I'm sure it will sort out. I wonder if in all this mother/daughter talk you could spare a thought for the Mums like me who have only sons despite being desperate for a daughter. They are all grow now and I have 8 DGC. I love them all and cherish the relationship with my dils however the ache of not having my own daughter has never left me. I pull myself together and am grateful for what I have but posts like this rub it in a bit. Sorry to be negative

As a grandma of 6 let me assure you that you will love the new baby. I was also worried as I just adored the first one so much right from the first sight of him but then I felt the same as each one was born.I'm not saying that I LIKE all my GC the same now they are growing up- one is a total nightmare & although I love her I find it hard to like her all the time- but as babies they were all adorable & I am sad I will not have any more.
All 6 staying with us several times in the next few weeks & although we will be exhausted it will be so much fun!

Relax & look forward to the birth & meeting your new DHC.

Both my daughters are very different. One more distant but have found the GC have bought us closer as I help out with them. She's always so grateful.

My daughter used to write a parenting blog and has always been independent but I remember being super chuffed when she said once on her blog that when she got her first baby home no-one would do but her Mum to help her those first days.

What amazing womend you all are ? Helpful but respectful of your children/in-law children ways.

Op, take it a day at a time ?

I think you should stop worrying and look forward to the new arrival, whatever the quantity of contact that emerges after the event. Enjoy the wee one, even if you feel that more contact/advice etc. would be your ideal.

You don't know yet how much she might need you or when. Prepare to share a lot of happiness you are her mum, no one else is.

My daughter said to me after baby number 3 'I never used to like you but I do now I need you'...........must have been the anaesthetic talking after her C section.......but she is on FB all day asking for help / advice / support so something worked.

icbn your OP brought back memories of my own anxieties during the waiting time and in the first week or so after the arrival of my DGS. L think I was surprised by how emotionally affected I was - and how worry affected me in a physical way too. BUT, after all the stressing, which included having to 'silently adjust' to my daughter's changing ideas about how much support she would want / need and feeling rather shut out for the first few days - they too had this idea of a no-visit-zone ... I was soon reassured that I was a much valued nanny and have built a lovely bond with DGS over the past 18 months. I have learned big lessons along the way - the hardest being 'patience' and the tightrope walk of when to stay silent - but it has paid dividends. DD and I have never been closer - I think this was a truth in my relationship with my own mum too - our daughters do need us - so much more than they realise - and we can make a vital difference by being at hand, or a phonecall away. Keep giving, keep sowing support and you are laying foundations for a lot of joy to come.

What a unusual idea, a babymoon never heard of that one most new parents can't wait to show their new addition off
Don't worry too much ichb it will all fall into place I think we all get anxious about new things especially if we ve been waiting a while for them to happen even new wonderful things Take your lead from the new parents as to when, how and what to do they ll soon be 'throwing' ( metaphorically) him / her your way
Good luck and exiting days xx