Worried about my health now

We know how hard you have worked and tried to improve your GS' life. You have shown a lot of love and dedication. You will have altered his life for the better immeasurably .
Now try and take your health in hand by small steps. Aim to eat smaller amounts of healthy food. Count how many cigs you smoke in a day and try cutting back by one cig a day each week . Good luck! Get up each morning and look in the mirror and say to yourself'Gransnetters think I am doing a great job and so do I!'

Nanniepoo first and foremost I think we can all feel from your posts how much this is harming you Your daughter will be seeing it from a totally different perspective and it's always tempting to blame someone else for our own shortcomings so her pride will not be thankful you are helping and supporting her but resentful and angry and see YOU as the perpetrator keeping her son away from her It's the tipsy turvey way humans view the world when they are wrong
Do see your doc about the possible diabetis it won't go away by itself A hard one but try to give up the fags they will excellerate your heart rate and be harming your lungs There are good sources of counselling and help on the NHS ( it used to part of my job) I don't know your full story but do you have any support for 'you' husband other kids or close friends
YOU are so important to your little man and although she ll not admit it to your daughter ??

This is so hard on you, but you must put yourself first. Also, trust the authorities to make the right decisions as to his welfare - we all know that mistakes happen but they are the exception rather than the rule, and it is a waste of energy to worry about it (easier said than done).

It sounds to me as though your daughter would not be able to cope with her son, and, unless he is very special, neither would her boyfriend. It might be that unless and until she has him back - for a weekend or longer, she will never accept this. Much as it might upset GS In the short term, in the end this may have to happen.

Also, somehow your daughter needs to get the message that if it was not you looking after him, it would be someone else- would she prefer that? If there is a real or imagined hatred between you, that is the worst thing for your GS as he will be aware of it and torn between the two people he loves.

Finally, and don't hate me or get upset for my saying this, when you worry, it sometimes helps to face your worst fears - if he goes back to your daughter and she does not cope, you will still be around to pick up the pieces and it will be much harder or impossible after that for her to get him back; alternatively, he could go to someone else - my understanding is that there are foster parents who are very good and experienced with autistic children, and as long as you had a good access arrangement, which you surely would given your involvement, he could actually thrive in a neutral atmosphere, and maybe you and your daughter could mend your relationship. You may never approve if her lifestyle, but if she loves her son and is not intentionally cruel to him, it could be worse. It would be so much better for him if you were both on the same side.

Please take advice and talk things over with an expert if you can, we, or certainly me, have not walked in your shoes. I hope it all goes well for all of you.

As I say, this is a worst case scenario and it may not come to that, but it might be a comfort for you to come to terms with the possibility instead of dreading it.

Dear Nannynoo, I really sympathise. It seems unbelievable to some that a daughter could be so cruel to her mother, but I have been through, and to some extent am still going through, just that. Not all daughters are nice, and bad things happen to good people. Some counselling from your GP sounds like a good idea, and has helped me. I know that the temptation to smoke and comfort eat is almost overwhelming but cutting down on this would both improve your health and be ammunition in your fight to keep yourself together and not allow your daughter to drag you down. Have you contacted Grandparents Plus? While this organisation has its limitations, maybe they could point you in the direction of further help and advice. I wish you the best of luck!

I understand the stress you are under. Even though my situation is not the same, my daughter was drinking and my grandson was put in care of his violent father when he was a baby. She has stopped drinking and now has custody. I have found it best to take care of myself which means doing what I need to do - yoga, seeing friends and enjoying my retirement. I have also found tremendous support from other parents in Famanon. See famanon.org.uk. Well worth it if there's a meeting in your area. My heart goes out to you. Please accept a big virtual hug.

Nannynoo, I really do feel for you in this awful situation as stress and strain is obvious in every line of your post. Look after yourself please - this is vital, not only for you but very much for your GS. Please see your doctor and get as much help as is on offer for your potential diabetes condition and the stress you are suffering; remember that your GS will need you for a very long time whatever the outcome of court action, and you need to be as healthy as you can to help and support him. Take care of yourself and hopefully feeling a little physically improved will help make you stronger and better able to handle stress. This may sound frivolous but perhaps massage might help you - it's amazing what it can do to soothe and calm without resorting to tablets. xx

Nannynoo.....inevitably life deals out some hard punches and for many stress can become a way of life. If you can't get rid of the stress, the only other solution is to mitigate it by using positive coping strategies.

You mentioned two of your coping strategies... smoking and comfort eating. Consider swapping these activities for more positives such as exercise (walking), meditation or occupational therapies like crocheting, playing a musical instrument, creating art or solving crossword puzzles...whatever works for you.

A good family counselor can also help improve your relationship with your daughter (she needs help too), and by all means see your doctor. Your personal health is the most important thing right now.

Has your daughter been diagnosed with a personality disorder? Sounds as if that's one of the problems, like borderline personality. Often a lack of empathy, eg, when you are I'll, is very common in thease disorders. Educate yourself, go on Google and look up borderline personality disorder.. If you think she matches the criteria for this disorder, do some reading up on how to cope. You can learn coping methods, once you understand what your dealing with. It's far more common than people think. I wish you good luck.

Nannynoo, I am so sorry all the stress in your life is making you feel ill and driving a less than satisfactory lifestyle for you.

Severe and constant stress DID make me very ill, so please, if you can, stop, stand back and try to think of you. (I know when a young child is suffering switching off is impossible.) I feel for you, caught up in such a mess.

You won't be able to help anyone if you become ill. So, see your doctor and try now to put yourself first.

My sister helped me when I was ill. She said "the situation will not change just because you worry about it night and day." And she was right.

I had to catch my thoughts and refuse to allow the anxiety and worry to take hold. It ate me up, paralysed me, made me ill, but all that worrying did nothing at all for the situation. Even if I didn't worry about it, it remained the same.

Put yourself first nannynoo, even if it's just for a while. Your daughter has to solve her own problems and you might need to distance yourself. Work on getting your life back together and regaining your strength.

Good luck. (Families. Who'd have 'em? The source of so much pleasure and often so much pain too. )

Please get yourself to the GP nannynoo. If it's diabetes you need to know and get the medication. You must get checked out. We think we are invincible when we are young but with so much stress you are vulnerable and you need to stay strong.
I know a family in exactly the same situation and it is as stressful as you describe. Wishing you all the very best and do look after yourself.

See if you can find things like beginners yoga or tai chi for health or walking groups. I am very lucky here as i have all three. Tai chi and yoga for 3 pound donation and walking group free. The tai chi includes meditation and is very calming and balancing. I dont know if you can afford but reflexology or reiki would also balance energies.
I think the doctors would help with the smoking. Diabetes and smoking are seriously BAD news.

I understand how stressful this is for you, having seen so much of this type of thing when working and now having family stress of my own. It certanly does suck the life right out of you so look after yourself.

I wonder sometimes if, the conflict doesn't become mightier than the cause, and we get run down and depressed and begin to catastrophise things and all of that becomes a vicious cycle.

Try to see things a little differently just for your own sake, you have done a wonderful thing for your GC but his mother wants chance to take on her own child. That, I can see is fraught with problems from your point of view, you need to put yourself and your health first now, you can't have much control over the future as things stand and you will have none at all if you allow yurself to be ill.

Sometimes just a little letting go, goes a long way in easing things, I am my own worst enemy at this but have learned that you can change the dynamics sometimes and give yourself some breathing space.

It isn't hard once you make your mind up to it and it releases your brain from that constant fretting and you can relax a little.

Good luck.

Going to see your GP first, and asking if there is a counsellor attached to the practice is good advice. Or perhaps there is a friend or neighbour who can just sit and listen while you get some of your worries off your chest. I know this might seem like being disloyal to your daughter in a way that posting here is not, but it really does help.

Good luck. You are being heroic!

Your grandson is a very lucky little boy to have you in his life. Be assured that the love and care he has received from you will pay dividends as he gets older. if there were more selfless people like you the world would be a better place.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to fret over what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future as it drains energy. Live for the present and start to look after yourself. Once you have had that health check you will know what areas of your health you have to improve but it sounds like you already know. Try to get out in the fresh air with your grandson, walking is very beneficial, costs nothing and will benefit him as well. When you get home cook a simple, healthy meal with him. These are things he will remember always, bless him.

Please make that appointment asap and take all the help and advice that is on offer.

Nannynoo. What a difficult time you are having, I cannot imagine how hard it is to be struggling with your daughter. Take the good advice posted and see your GP, are you able to see a counsellor to help with your stress levels, they may be able to help with coping strategies. Your grandson has been dealt a difficult hand but is lucky you are there for him. Bon courage

I don't think my daughter understands why I have her son and am basically fighting her for him but I hope that one day she understands or acknowledges what she knows deep down which is even if she HAS stopped drinking now it is natural for me to have concerns about her smoking skunk weed in the presence of or with the sole care of a 10 year old boy with special needs!! It's not good basically or even logically to be honest! Lol

Focus on your life with DGS and try not to think about "what ifs".
You are doing great and you definitely need to get your health checked and also get whatever support you can re respite, or anything else that can be offered.

I hate to say it but I have a feeling my health would suffer greatly if he went back to his Mum which is what a lot of my anxiety is about but I would just have to get tons of support just to get through it and get my life back but the main thing would be worrying about him suffering as I find the thought of that hard to bear so I am going to continue to make plans for him staying with me but it's hard with the thought of her getting him back hanging over my head but it happens

IF he goes back to Mum I will still need my health to be able to support him in life as much as I possibly can also have some fun time with him of course! x

The whole "you can't stop me getting my son back" is wearing me down though and she has always been a bit of a bully and a manipulator but I have not got the power to stop her all I can do is be honest with the authorities about my concerns and ask them for the help I need to do the job properly ie respite etc xx

WOW thank you so much for your responses it's funny how we soldier on and just keep going because we 'have' to basically without realising what all this stress is doing to us and our health and wellbeing
Yes I have 5 more weeks with little man full time but I am pushing for some regular respite care for ASAP and am going to make an appointment with my doctor as my health is important
And yes the sad thing is my daughter would literally "want me out of the way" in order to get her son back but the only person who is standing in the way of that is HERSELF but unfortunately she wants to get her son back the easiest way possible which could still happen as a hair strand test is not always spot on etc and I cannot let my health go down even if that happens as I want to be there for my Grandson once she decides I am allowed to see him but I hope she realises that this "battle" is because I have honest and genuine concerns which deep down even she cannot blame me for as she looks perfect on the outside but inside is very troubled whereas I may not look great on the outside but inside I am actually strong and solid and a BIG part of that is about being honest and reaching out for help when I need it as how can I get by on PRETENCE?

Nannynoo I don't know your story, but could feel your stress in every line you wrote. I hope you can get some medical support - a regular health check is a good idea and could be very reassuring - stressing about stress just adds to the load. When no-one else is there to do it for us, we also have to find ways to be kind to ourselves ... plan the odd treat - no matter how little - YOUR choice of TV, YOUR choice of a walk, YOUR choice of a bunch of flowers for yourself ... and remind yourself every day that you are very needed. Might sound daft, but I was encouraged to write down ten good things about myself and then read them back to myself everyday ... I found it hard to even make the list, but gradually began to believe it!
Hugs and

PS am I right in thinking that you have your GS 24/7 for the next few weeks as it's the summer holidays?

It's generally accepted that excessive cortisol, the stress hormone, can make you physically ill. But in addition stress can drive you to an unhealthy lifestyle. So it's not to be ignored.

Best if it can bite the bullet and see your GP.

Re your daughter's reaction. Your are probably right. Sorry to say this but she doesn't sound like a very nice person. You are doing so much for your GS and he is lucky to to have you, so another reason to get help.

Do you get any time to yourself and any help from outside to give you some respite?

It's not my imagination but when I am ill or run down she seems truly GLAD which is very sad but it's like "good , you can't look after my son but I CAN" but at least I am not pretending my health is ok and am going to get help for it and I reach out for help when I need it which she will never do it seems , sadly!!