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Grandparenting

Daughter unable to cope with children anyone similar?

(20 Posts)
Jodo Wed 09-Aug-17 23:05:14

Hi, my name is Jo, thanks for reading..

My daughter is unable to cope with her two gorgeous boys, my lovely grandsons aged 10 and 3. They have sadly been taken into care. This absolutely breaks my heart. I love the bones of them and want to care for them but having had them over for days/weekends find it like a lot of you at my age (55) so tiring and need the next day to recuperate that I am uber worried that they are going to be met with tired Granny on a daily basis. So scared that this will not be enough for/be detrimental longterm for them and they are my absolute priority. My family and friends (two of whom have had experience in foster care/child hearings think that it is best for them to get good foster care (hear my heart screaming?!) and for me to be Granny with energy scooping them up for the day and taking them out for fun. Just so torn, anyone with similar experience I would really love to hear from. Thanks for listening. Xx

dbDB77 Wed 09-Aug-17 23:50:51

Hi Jodo - I can't offer any advice - it's not something I've ever experienced or know about - but I'm sure there are gransnetters who can help - just to say that I hope it all works out for you and your precious grandchildren - best wishes to you & yours flowers

vampirequeen Thu 10-Aug-17 07:26:23

Are they in long term or short term care? My DD1 is a foster parent and within reason welcomes visits from family members as it is important for children to maintain family relationships.

rosesarered Thu 10-Aug-17 08:01:49

Hi Jo,
Awful situation for all concerned.
You don't say why your DD cannot cope, is it her problem or are the children too difficult? This affects the question if you taking over or not.
I know that I would take on any of my DGC rather than they go into any kind of care.I am older than you but would muddle on doing my best.
You are probably still working though, and I am retired.
Really, only you knows all the facts in this case and if you could cope or not.
I think day to care care and love is better than being a fun and lively grandma now and then for any children, the young one will be confused and both will be upset.I wish you well whatever you have to decide.💐

paddyann Thu 10-Aug-17 09:39:04

could you take them and organise a nursery place for the wee one while the oldest is a t school ,then its evenings and weekends,I've had GD2 since she was just over a year when her parents split,her dad works really long hours so I'm the one who looks after her.Its fine ,she's at school so out of the house from 8.30 until 3.30,then homework if its nice we go out if its not we bake or she helps make dinner ,bath at around 7 ,story at 8 and she sleeps until I wake her in the morning.A good routine is all you need.The older child will be easier to amuse ,give him a computer or a game consul and you wont see him unless you go drag him off it ....after he's done homework etc .One they're in the routine life is much simpler and it really does keep you young/fit

Nanabilly Thu 10-Aug-17 11:31:03

I just could not let my gc go into care .I would fight tooth and nail to get them to live with me no matter how tired I was . I would even leave a paid job to prevent them going into care. Crikey it would give me nightmares knowing they were with someone else .
There are things you can do and professional services you could use to help with childcare. Yes it would maybe cost a little but at least your gc would still be with family and not strangers . I think foster carers can be wonderful and are invaluable but any child should be with kith and kin if possible .
I'm sorry if this hurts or upsets you but a child's health and happiness should be a priority to anyone's tiredness.

Christinefrance Thu 10-Aug-17 11:43:06

That is a great worry Jodo We don't know the history behind your family problems, its difficult to advise you. Is this a temporary thing for your daughter ? Only you know your capabilities and if its too stressful to help your daughter and look after your grandchildren then you must get help. Paddyann had some good ideas to ease the load.
Not everyone can cope in these situations Nanabilly we can only do what we feel is best at the time.
Bon courage Jodo flowers

Starlady Thu 10-Aug-17 11:55:34

Welcome Jodo! My heart aches for you! (((Hugs)))

But is this a temporary situation? Is the goal for dd to get herself together so the children can come back to her? Are there requirements she has to meet?

I understand your concerns about childcare being tiring, etc. If you don't feel you can do your best for these kids, then foster care may, indeed, be the answer, as long as you're allowed to visit. Work on that.

Paddyann had some good ideas for making it easier for you to keep them. In fact, maybe you could hire some help for the weekends, too.

But if it all sounds to daunting, then focus on visits and quality time.

Greenfinch Thu 10-Aug-17 12:11:37

At 55 you are not old and once a routine is established you will find it is not too difficult.Just go with your heart and have them. You will find the strength from somewhere and the rewards will be immense.It is far better for them to be with a granny to whom they really belong and plenty of children are brought up by grandparents.The door will remain open especially if there is some hope that their mother may be able to have them back in the future.We only needed to have ours for a year before they returned to their parents who have successfully had them ever since.Is there any hope that your daughter will be able to have them back?

BlueBelle Thu 10-Aug-17 13:43:16

Sorry you are having such a dilemma but I m with Nanabilly I would fight tooth and nail to keep my grandkids even at my advanced age but maybe you have ill health as 55 is still very young One will be at school and wont the little one get a nursery place I haven't experienced this thankfully but you say your daughter can't manage but you don't say why she can't manage Could she manage with more help from you or others sharing their upbringing

I think what you have told us is too sparse a story to give you much help, it sounds as if they have already gone into care so are you being asked by SS if you can take them ? Are the boys reasonably behaved ? Are you in fairly good health? Are you working ? Is there a dad around? Do you have other family members to share the load? Is your daughter getting parenting help? Is it a court case ?
Sorry to ask these questions but the end story could be so different from different angles

nightowl Thu 10-Aug-17 14:16:50

I don't wish to scare you but if you can't have the children the decisions will be taken out of your hands. If the children have to stay in care long term, plans will be made for them which may not include you. It is possible the children may even be separated and the plan for the younger child may be adoption, because permanence is always the preferred option for younger children. You need to be very sure that you are fully informed of the thinking and planning that is going on already, and make sure you are as much a part of that as possible. But long term foster care, with grandparents continuing to play a full role in children's lives is, in my experience, very unusual indeed.

PamelaJ1 Thu 10-Aug-17 14:22:58

What an awful dilemma for you all. It would be useful for us to know more about the situation.
Are the father or his parents in the picture at all?
Are you working?
Do you have a husband, if so is he the grandad of these children?
Are you fit and well?

PamelaJ1 Thu 10-Aug-17 14:23:36

Sorry bluebells, I missed your post.

Riverwalk Thu 10-Aug-17 17:09:38

'It is possible the children may even be separated and the plan for the younger child may be adoption, because permanence is always the preferred option for younger children. '

nightowl I know that you're a very experienced social worker and always take note of what you say in this type of thread - I'm surprised/horrified that children can still be separated.

I thought those days had long gone.

Riverwalk Thu 10-Aug-17 17:13:28

Jodo I'm very sorry that your family is in this situation but I really think that you might have to re-think your plan of

' ......and for me to be Granny with energy scooping them up for the day and taking them out for fun. '

Events might overtake you.

Unless you're not in the best of health, 55 is young - there are a number of Grans on here quite a bit older than you who are the primary carers for their GC.

silverlining48 Thu 10-Aug-17 17:23:10

I would agree that it is very possible that the younger child could be considered for adoption because long term fostering of younger children is not seen as a good idea. The older child at 10 is probably already too old ( shocking though that sounds) so unless they can be placed together they could very well be separated sometime in the future.
Suggest you discuss with social services options and what their plans might be. Let them know tgat you want to remain involved with the children. You know your own abilities, and it is a massive commitment but at 55 you are not a lot older than many mums who had their own children late.

nannynoo Sat 16-Sep-17 02:11:19

I agree with Nightowl , you can't be 'involved' in the kids life once they are in foster care as they will be looking toward permanency and possible adoption , it depends if you could live with that or if you really really do not think you would cope with them ( better to be clear and honest with yourself as you know if you can do it or not as it is worse for the children if their placement with you breaks down! )

If your heart is screaming to have them and not to lose them then I would suggest going for it , yes it IS TIRING but you find ways of managing to rest 'around them' and their school or nursery hours , if you have family to help out they can take them for weekends etc to help you recuperate and it is good for them to see their cousins and Aunts and Uncles for their sense of belonging and family as will already be feeling insecure and hurt due to being separated from their Mummy sad

They need a healing place and if you feel you can provide that then do not waste any time and let the LA know about it

It took me a year to get my GS out of foster care for various reasons but once with you you do get support from the LA and can put plans in place to make your life easier eg holiday clubs or respite breaks etc , it is doable and workable IF you know in your gut you can do it - I just KNEW I could do it , knew I would be tired , knew it would be hard but BOY is is worth it to see little man SO HAPPY!!!!! smile smile x

nannynoo Sat 16-Sep-17 02:15:09

I had 2 hours a week with my GS in a contact centre for a year sad

I certainly was not ''scooping him up and taking him out for the day!'' sadsad

Taking him out for the day would not have been enough for me either

BlueBelle Sat 16-Sep-17 06:28:30

So Jo has not returned so we ll probably never know

Starlady Sat 16-Sep-17 13:55:14

Jo, have you made a decision?