NANNY DROP

reading your post just now made me cry. I don't want to imagine your pain and loss at losing your daughter and think you are incredibly brave.
It would seem normal and understandable to be very sad to leave your little granddaughter and to miss her.
For what it's worth my feeling is that you are doing amazingly well. Allow yourself some sad time.......

Thank you all for the kind words and messages of advice. I didnt really have the chance to get proper counselling as life became a whirlwind of madness and I was just caught up in the tailspin. A couple of months after she died my dad was diagnosed with cancer so I tried to arrange a speedy wedding so he could walk me down the aisle, but he never made it and we buried him same week as my wedding, so I lost dad and daughter in short space of time. I also moved house 3 times in the last couple of years, and my gorgeous grandaughter was born, the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I agree now its all calmed down I should find time to fix 'me' and get myself back on track. Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply xxx

I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child...doesn't bear thinking about.....but from what you say you seem to be transferring your feelings to your grandaughter...harsh as it may sound....this does not bode well for her and her future. I would suggest you talk this through with a professional and maybe referral to a a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) specialist. I would imagine your husband is in just as much pain about the loss of his child but from what you say, he would appear to be able to cope better than yourself. Give yourself a chance and seek professional help.

I cannot think of anything more heart breaking than to lose a child, and to have it happen so suddenly . It is no surprise that you feel so bad and your heart is so heavy. I expect the innocent happiness of your GC is such a relief and joy, but when she goes home it points up the sadness that you have inside you. Have you spoken to your GP as perhaps he/she can direct you to an agency that helps with bereavement? If you can a let out some of the grief it may help. My heart goes out to you and to the others here who have suffered such loss.

Sorry for your loss, and 3 years is the mere blink of an eye in such a bereavement. As for your reaction to your Grandchild's visits, is it perhaps an overcompensation where the raw emotion taps into something much deeper, and releases negative rather than positive responses? I would seriously consider going for bereavement counselling where you may find much-needed support. Don't let this sad situation go on indefinitely. Do something about it now.

Oh, Cookie! How many traumas can a soul endure? You must feel punch drunk. Two bereavements (extremely significant bereavements) and three house moves - doesn't bear thinking about. Please find a good, nice, kind counsellor. And how about some massages? I feel like wrapping a warm blanket round you. x

cookie after a loss ,any loss there has to be a new normal ,things can never be the same and you will learn to live with the hole in your life.Its all there is.Try not to fixate on your GD ,its great that she's a joy in your life but she cant be a substitute for your own child ...and she shouldn't be .You will never" get over it" just learn to live with it as we all do .Its not easy but you will get there .Can you talk about your girl? Thats often the best way to come to terms,make sure you include her in your day to day life,dont shut her memory away so it becomes a burden ,a sadness .Remember the silly things not the tragedy .

Paddyann your phrase, a new normal, is so apt and so descriptive.
When things terrible happen in our lives ,what is left is what we have and must live with. That is normal from now on and we must adapt or not go on at all. That for me is unthinkable.

Yogagirl I know you are suffering endless bereavement of a different kind...you know from previous posts and threads that I have so much sympathy for you all...

Hi and I think all of what you're saying is 'normal'. Accept it, embrace your feelings and I think you'll find it easier. If you feel you'd like some support, by all means go for counselling, or whatever feels right but you can't go through life with all its tragedies and not feel emotional...and sometimes that will be expressed at times when you'd rather it wouldn't. Enjoy your grandchild, try to spend time in between visits to focus on some other things...and cry when you need to.. My comments come from similar personal experience. The more I resisted what I was feeling, the worse it all became. Accept how you feel, and in time, life will improve. Three years of grieiving the loss of your own child is no time at all by the way.❤️

Dear Cookie. In the last 10 years I have lost My father, my husband, my cousin/best friend, followed by mother. Plus a couple of other close family members. I can so relate to what you are going through.
I have found exercise and joining a gym and a couple of clubs has helped me no end.
I see my two young GS's a couple of times a week I totally adore them. I worry about them like mad but try to keep it real.
I also have a couple of dogs that help me no end with giving me the company and love and purpose. That I miss from my missing loved one's.

So sad for your loss, it must be dreadful.
Try to get help,it sounds as though you need it, your Granddaughter gives you so much pleasure, dont let her leaving spoil your time with her.
Sending a hug and best wishes.

So sorry to read your post....I have two grandchildren that I see a lot...I realise I'm very lucky....but I also have my own life and a husband....I have lots of friends and hobbies.go out / stop in I'm retired and very content ....I feel you should try and make a life for yourself ,and not live through your grandchildren.....so you have something to look forward too...coffee with friends , take up a hobby ,read a book....try new things!

My goodness me what a problem to have. I really feel for you having gone through this when my own Mother was terminally ill, although the children were older.

As gardening is their thing, maybe he could plant with her now, things that will constantly come back, life is always there all around us. He will always be part of the world for her and nature can prove that.

Nothing really dies, just because we can't ss ie doesn't mean it isn't there any more.

So sorry for your loss cookie. I agree with the comments that this is definitely what is making you feel as you do when your precious granddaughter leaves each week.

When my daughter was growing up we went through a traumatic couple of years when she was a teenager. I truly believe that we came close to losing her. Consequently she left home at the too young age of 16.

I have always felt that I didn't do enough to protect her at that time. Thankfully, years later, times have moved on. We are very close.

But the point I'm trying clumsily to make is that I now dream very vividly of my 3 year old granddaughter and in my dreams my granddaughter invariably becomes my daughter at her age. It's almost as if I'm trying to put right what I think I did wrong. Wishing I had a second chance maybe.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm sure your feelings each week are because of your loss and all of the previous advice to get help seems spot on!

Cookiemonster 66 I can totally empathise with you. My son died 30 years ago, aged 6, and there is never a day we don't think about him in one way or another ... it's not always sad, we keep the memories alive and talk about him with our daughter's sons (9 and 5). They have photos of him around their house, as well as ours. The 9 year old is the image - looks, personality, interests - of our son and that has been a joy, but I have had to be very careful not to 'transfer' or treat him differently. We do have a very close relationship and I love him, and his little brother, to bits but it's different and no less special. Please ask for help, there are a lot of kind people out there who can give you an ear and good advice. All the best.

So sorry cookie. Yes, you're right nobody can understand who hasn't lost a child what it feels like so I can't offer any advice. There is some sensible stuff here already and I hope you find it helpful. Enjoy your DGD as much as you possibly can and try to look forward to the next time.

Cooke, it must have been such a terrible time for you when you lost your daughter and can well understand why you love your granddaughter so much as there must be a feeling of remembering your daughter at that age and naturally have the feeling that you don't want her to leave in case you won't see her again, which is extremely unlikely as she is so very young so it would take an accident etc if this happened.

I have the same feeling when my son goes back to NZ For me though this month I have the enjoyment of knowing that the whole family are coming over next month but only for two weeks as that is all he can spare from work.

Just remember you are not the only one who feels like that and it does get worse as one gets older.

Whilst I sympathise greatly with the loss of your daughterI do think you are very fortunate to see your granddaughter so frequently. I lost my younger daughter7 years ago to suicide,leaving my two Granddaughters,then aged 4 and 2, now aged 12 and almost10. They live 300 miles away from me so I see them very rarely . Last seen 6 months ago when they paid a long overdue visit here to stay with their paternal Granny. I now live in a one bedroom flat,having had to sell the family home when my DH died nearly 9 years ago. He left me with debts to pay!!
I. I miss my daughter every single day and LONG to see my fast growing up Granddaughters more often.
Please enjoy every moment with your granddaughter because you are definitely lucky to see her every week. I wish!!

Dear Cookiemonster 66 I am so sad for you. Your feelings are definitely tied in with the loss of your daughter and 3 years is such a short time when it comes to the loss of a child. Prehaps in some way you are scared that you will loose your GD.

Ten years ago our son also died at the age of 30 and I know that while I miss him every single day I am a lot further down the road than I was after 3 years. I had counselling for 18 months which helped but the death of a child is something one never gets over. I am lucky in that I had a grandaughter 2 years and 3 months ago to whom I have utterly lost my heart I see her once a week and am always sad when we part but I have a wonderful DIL who send me photos almost daily and I know that I will see my GD again soon.

Time does not heal, and you will never be the same as before your beloved daughter died but it does enable one to adapt to the new and different life. Your Grandaughter will bring you such joy as she grows up and you watch her develop into her own character. Much love to you.

Thank you Madgran xx

trendy so very sorry for the loss of your DD & at not seeing your beloved GC as much as you'd like

Cookie & for all the mums on here that have lost a beloved Child/ren

Thanks to everyone taking the time to reply, and all the private messages of support, and for all the very kind words.
Big hugs to all of you out there who have also lost a child and shared your thoughts on this forum, agreed we will never be the same person again, we still have to battle through the pain every day without our children trying to maintain a 'normal' life.

Cookiemonster66.What is normal after the loss of a child. ? We all react differently and no matter what someone else says how anyone one of us should feel or behave there is no right or wrong way.
I weep with you for your loss.That in time your wounds will heal and the love you felt for your own daughter you will add to the love you give your grandchildren.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So very sorry Cookie - what unimaginable pain you are experiencing, quite naturally. In my humble opinion, the pain is there all the time but when your grand-daughter is with you, you are in a different place emotionally and all your attention is on her. When she leaves, the pain of the loss of your daughter re-surfaces and the only way to make that better is to see your DGD again. Does that make sense? It is in no way any comparison but when I am with my grand-son I am totally absorbed in his needs and 'forget' my usual worry for my elderly mother. It is only when he has gone that I think, 'oh, I haven't thought about Mum all day'. I was going to suggest support from a bereavement counsellor and certainly the Child Bereavement Trust (for the loss of a child of any age) as many before have done and this will, I am sure, be helpful. Counselling won't take the pain away but it really does help to talk through your feelings with someone who is there just for you and doesn't have their own agenda.