Here we go again

Britgran - support your DIL and your grandchildren - what your son does is up to him - whether his marriage repairs or not, you will still want the best for the GC and given what you say about your son, this will be in a stable home with their mum, who obviously has a good relationship with you. Mental illness of any kind can be alleviated with the right treatment, whether this be talking therapy, medication or a mix of both. If your son does want to move forward for the well-being of his family, he should show some preparedness to get help. Yes, you may have a role to play in helping him to improve his condition, but you definitely have a role to play in being MIL to your DIL and grandma to the children.

Thank you everybody for responding it's so helpful to get others opinions, the mother in me loves my son unconditionally, the grandmother in me will do everything in my power to protect my GC, the mother in law will support my daughter in law and help and advise in any way I can because the woman in me has morals and I detest cheaters, I haven't spoken to my son about this I will take the advice given on here to not take sides, and to be honest I don't need to say anything as he knows full well what I think of his behaviour, if anything good can come out this my dil has agreed to give him another chance providing he seeks help , he has taken full responsibility for his actions, he has called a councillor and has sworn to do everything he can to recover, he's a very lucky man but he is now in last chance saloon to you all

yes support your DIL. I went to my MIL many moons ago when my husband and the father of my 1 year old was often absent, drug taking and completely irresponsible and I was at the end of my tether and about to escape to another city to start again alone. I was penniless and utterly distraught. Basically she told me to leave and how dare I say her son was mad. I meant because he was losing so much for nothing. I went to her because she was the only other person that cared deeply for him and might help. I did move away, he eventually followed me but she never accepted he was responsible in any way. And he later got into some very serious trouble and behaviour and I eventually years later divorced him. She preferred to blame me....especially after I left him and his behaviour got worse. It was extraordinary. Luckily he had a sister who did stick by me and child, and my dear mum did. So I both understand why DIL turned to you. And I am so glad you are supportive to her. Its crap when this happens but you and she are doing your best and as in both our cases it was primarily because toddlers were involved. Its not a romantic tiff etc. Its serious. People have to be grown up. So very good luck and big hug for this difficult time.

Correct me if I am wrong but I thing you are calling him a b******d because he did the same with his previous wife so you feel protective with this one. Don't take sides but be there for your DIL as her family are not local and she must feel very alone. Until he takes responsibility for his mental health he will keep making a mess of things and he won't think it is his fault. I feel for you.

I'm sorry but if my dh ever cheated on me, I cannot imagine calling his parents! What could they possibly do about it? I can turn to my own family for comfort. And in today's age of skyping and facetime, etc. it doesn't make that much difference if they are far away. It seems to me that contacting HIS mum is done in the hope that she'll take him to task or something. It just doesn't sit well with me.

However, brit, I agree with those who say you should be loving and supportive of both. Whatever happens with their marriage, I sincerely hope that your relationship with your gc isn't badly affected.

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences radicalnan and I do understand how personal and professional experience colours all our views. I've been there myself. I just know that whatever I say about my own AC I don't want others to criticise them

Treasure your relationship with your DIL and DGC - she must have great confidence in you to feel able to call upon you at this awful time for her.

Your son does need help and perhaps you can be practical and help him find out the best course of action and who to contact to help him overcome his problems - he does sound as if he needs professional help which I hope will be available.

You sound as if you will be a great support to your DIL too - whatever she decides to do you need to maintain that contact.

You need to stay strong yourself Britgran - and don't blame yourself.

Keep calm not call.

Nightowl. I have just had another afternoon of shenanigans from my own son whose mental illness involves dramas of one sort or another until the emergency services get involved and when he fears he may get sectioned, he is suddenly lucid and in control. I am afraid that mentally ill people often create dramas, and it is part of their problem, they become self absorbed and do not see the damage their actions cause.

I spent years working in the mental health sector and studying mental health with OU. I am being factual not judgemental.

I would express no opinion. It is not your problem. I am sorry your son is mentally unwell, I'm not given to excusing him, but I know he is your first priority as he is your AC. Tough problem. Keep call, carry on supporting,

Oh and for the record...a spouse having any kind of affair is NEVER and will NEVER be the other spouses fault. It's a choice made by that person who is well aware of what's right or wrong.

I'm in shock! You actually get MILs that disagree with this kind of behaviour and are sorry for the DIL who has to deal with this cr@p? All I can say is "you're one in a million". What an absolute treasure you are!!

There are always two sides to a story, and you will never know all the truth - only they know, and each person has their own truth in order to gain the most sympathy/understanding with others. In this kind of situation no one wants to be at fault, not completely anyway.

In my experience, it's best not to make judgements and stay out of any conflict. You can be supportive, as you are now, but keep a distance and let them sort it out.

It might look as if your son is the proverbial but actually it is more likely to be just another facet of his mental illness. A lot of this, particularly the Bulimia, comes from a complete lack of self esteem. Your disapproval every time he goes downhill may well add to his problems. Obviously you love him but he isn't seeing that. My advice is to keep reiterating that you do love him, warts and all, but find it difficult to understand his behaviour. Tell him you are always there for him as long as being there isn't destructive to him but you do want to maintain a good relationship with your grandchild and his wife so don't want to take sides. He needs to realise that, as much as you love him and want to support him, your DGC has to come first in this instance. By supporting your DIL, you are putting his child first when he isn't able to because of his problems.
Mental Health issues cause people to become selfish, liars, and completely self-destructive. I totally understand how wearing you find it but normal b***tards don't hurt themselves too, they just hurt everyone around them. Until your son is in the right place to step up to the mark, he can't, not won't. Please don't blame yourself either, you have no control over the chemical balance in his brain and neither does he.

I don't know your son britgran, only you know whether he is really a b*****d but I don't think anyone posting on here is in a position to say he is. Nor do I think people with mental health problems indulge in 'shenanigans'. I am reluctant to judge anyone else's relationship; yes, it's sad when people have affairs and it's not behaviour I can approve of but sometimes it's a symptom of other things going wrong in the relationship. So I say again, don't judge him, keep your counsel, be there for all of them.

Your future is invested with your GC, make sure you safeguard that for yourself.

As for your son, people with mental issues are a strain to parent, protect yourself from his shenanigans, he will always want you to support his behaviour, making unreasonble demands upon others is part and parcel of it all.

If you consider him b****td then don't let him convince you otherwise. I would support the DIL to maintain contact with GC but be careful, not to be a facilitator of the dramas, some people feed on them as a reason to resort to their other habits.

Very hard to stand back and really see what is going on. Make sure you are your own first priority.

Its lovely to know that your DIL loves and trusts you enough to ask for help . Cherish that Britgran, you're obviously doing all you can for your family and doing it well . Not many MILs have such a fantastic relationship with their DIL .
It sounds as if your son is his own worst enemy, and will have to seek help to sort himself out , maybe not from you if he won't talk , but from a professional .
Enjoy your lovely DIL and your grandchildren , they sound trusting and caring, and know you care .

Lots of good advise already given. All I can add from experience is some people don't care about what they could loose or about hurting other people it doesn't mean a thing to them and because they don't have this emotion about others they just carry on the way they are, discarding others hurt. I feel this is what you are up against how do you make someone care if they don't. My heart goes out to you.

Gobsmacked that someone on here has actually suggested that "having an affair may actually make a marriage better..." Not in the world that I inhabit... The only advice I can give is to try not to take sides... that never works out well... and to remain supportive towards all involved. Yes, your Son sounds like a "proverbial".. We have one of our own, who we cut loose from some six years ago now, and have never regretted it... mind you, no Grandchildren involved...

It is good that she came to you for support. Make sure you give it..You don't have to split your loyalties. You may be needed both practically and emotionally where she and the children are concerned.

My DH refused to break off contact with his DIL and small grandchildren (as ordered!!) when his DS decided to go off and spend his life playing Jack the Lad with a succession of women. The support he gave them has resulted in us now both enjoying close relationships with former DIL and GCs as we approach older age. We also recently attended the wedding of the former to an altogether nicer human being!
And Jack the Lad? Making lots of money all over the world. Not over bothered about maintaining relationships of any kind. I do wonder what sort of old age he will have....

Have been in this position and DIL had no one to turn to only me as her family are the other end of the country. Told my son I will not take sides but pointed out exactly what he will lose, how a separation will affect him and the kids etc I gave him a lot of food for thought mostly in emails in the middle of the night when the stress kept me awake ! I said read this and delete, as after all, advice can be given but does not have to be taken. They had counselling and have come back stronger than ever, now can't believe how happy they are. Hope you have a happy ending too ?

Britgran what a sad situation but it is so good your DIL has confided in you she must trust you so much just be there with the door open to your son you can't change the fact he is your boy and that at the moment you do love him but don't like him for what he is putting the family through.

Yes support them both. Don't judge him - no one has any idea what goes on in another person's mind or in a marriage - be there for them both but let them work it out for themselves. I'm so sorry, what a difficult situation for you to be in. It is so painful to see your child doing something you know will only bring them pain in the end.

My son's father is one of those like your son. His mother is under no illusions about him. Be there for your DiL and GC, and leave him to come to you, which he may or may not do. Make it clear you love him, but that his behaviour is not OK. I know it is hard, but focus on the GC who need some love and stability right now. Your son might redeem himself, but I doubt it. All the cads and bounders have families - it is luck of the draw whether your children grow up to be complete gits, and all you can do is try to limit the damage. Just keep it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable, but leave the door open if he tries to put things right.

It was good she told you, as that relationship with her is likely to become really important whatever transpires and with respect to the child. I hope it doesn't sour if they can't resolve their differences