Will i lose contact with my grandchildren ?

Fishpieplease - that really tickled me!

Ellie Anne
Stop worrying yourself girl... I have two GC... I used to look after the eldest after nursery for four years AND I was working ( so had to re-arrange work hours). He disappeared to school and 'after school club ' and I missed him terribly despite all the work involved. Then out pops GD, and it all started again. Except with her I used to have her at mine two days a week as they couldn't afford full time nursery for her. I went part-time to accommodate it all. I have an invalid husband (stroke) and that's been twenty two years ongoing AND I don't drive!! Now both kids are at school but I've just committed to taking the youngest to-and-from two days a week...which means getting up at 6 , walking or cycling three miles ...taking her to school ... coming back home to get husband sorted for the day... bussing ( 2 buses) back to daughters' picking up GD... worrying GS is OK walking along v. busy main road coming home alone ... then cooking their dinner while awaiting first parent to get home. Getting 2 buses back home cooking for husband and me and then falling onto bed to read ( my best thing), love it.. love it all. Soon they won't need me/ or my arthritis will lay me low, and that'll be my usefulness gone. The other three mornings a week I swim... to keep fit for the hubby and grandchildren. My back bedroom has bunks for them and a box of old toys from charity shop. My garden is untidy but I installed a football goal for them and a swing ball thingy... they have fun digging and weeding and I get the help I need. They are impeccably behaved (did I mention my daughter is a child psychologist) and they are rough and ready kids. Their experiences with nursery and care clubs and being shunted from pillar to post has done then no harm. YOUR GC Ellie Anne love YOU and always will . I sometimes wish my two had another Grandparent to share the load ... but guess I'm just lucky!

I think mothers of sons do lose out a little, as a daughter tends to gravitate towards her parents more than a son. My mother always used to say 'A daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son 'til he gets him a wife' Like you I had a lot of contact with my son's boys, but after they moved to Scotland I only saw my three grandsons once a year when they came to stay in the holidays, but they didn't want to come this year. However they did go on holiday with DIL's parents who do not have so far to travel. DS is breaking up with DIL now so I don't know how that will pan out. I always make special birthday cards for them which accord with their developing interests, and put all my love in that. By contrast I see my daughter's children two or three days a week, compared to SIL's parents who see them occasionally. I guess it's just the way of the world.

Ellie Anne that must feel so painful. I can understand your fear. It's normal to feel a little jealous and fearful under these circumstances. In my experience the biggest problems arise through lack of communication. If it were me I would talk to both the parents and tell them that you are fearful of losing contact. I'm sure once it's verbalised they can be mindful of your feelings.

I hope it's resolved. Keep the lines of communication open and I'm sure your relationship with them all will improve. X

Nannyshell59, What leads you to such rubbish? Ellie Anne said nothing to lead to what you are espousing.

Eglantine that is a very good point. I must be careful not to do that.

Ellie Anne, I feel for you. From my experience, the daughter-in-law is in control. I never thought that I would find myself in the position of being cut off from my grandchildren. I have looked after them every Christmas, due to my son and daughter-in-law's work commitments, also evenings, weekends and school holidays. I have now been cast aside as if I don't exist and we grandparents don't have any rights. Good luck and I shall pray for you.

mawbrown I am self employed, yes still committed to picking up granddaughter from school but it is just til she gets a permanent place, thank you for your interest and your concern

As I've said on another thread previously, because I was adopted I had four sets of grandparents. I loved them all because they loved me. But the only granny I felt a bit uneasy with was the one who wanted me to love her most and was a bit jealous of the time I spent with the others. I couldn't talk to her naturally about the things I had been doing and felt I had to keep some things from her. Just enjoy your grandchildren without expectation or demands and they will enjoy being with you.

Interesting! Trust the GCs - they will indicate when they are older if they want to see you or not. Keep in touch, send post card, parcels, Skype as often as you can, etc. The DGCs will make the calls.
My problem is that DD favours ILs as they live closer. The DGDs see us once every 3-4 months for only a few days. They hardly ever Skype or phone- DD is a busy vicar so it is very difficult to catch her...
Be grateful for what you see of the GCs and hope that the connection you have made with them in their early life will remain...
Sorry, I'm not more helpful but if you_stay- in touch by one means or another, then they will remember you.

We have always lived 200 miles away from our DGC, while the other grandmother lives very close by. She provided all the much needed support during our DGCs early years. We were just too far away.

What we have done is develop a very close and happy relationship with the other grandmother. We visit regularly, roughly every six weeks, and we do things the other grandmother can't, we are crafters and doers, so I have helped DGD learn to sew and both DGD and DGS to knit. DH has done quite bit of DIY (DS is not gifted on that front)

Now what we do may not be anything you can do but if you think about it I am sure you can find ways that you can offer your DGC a different experience to their other grandparents and when they get a bit older they may well be able to come and stay with you in the holidays.

But please do not be defensive or subliminally hostile to your DDiL's parents, that way lies unhappiness.

Ellie Anne, dont worry too much, you will be a very special gran, just keep doing what you do now, your DIL will not want to lose you, neither will the GC. I am sure your DIL parents will be so pleased you can still do as you have always done. Keep on enjoying the time with your lovely Grandchildren.

Norah what does "touchstone our value" mean?

They are moving house closer, you are not moving house farther away, correct? You are still going to look after the children? It will all be good if you keep the envy away. When I feel envy creep to me we go to nearby Green Man and have a shandy, touchstone our value and leave worry there.

I'm so sorry I posted on the wrong thread. I was saying what I might have on a cap.

Don;t think you will lose touch .....after my ex husband left and my daughter was 6, it was necessary financially for me to move 300 miles away from where we, and the in law's, lived .......sadly ex h refused to have anything to do with her (saying he had a new family now !) but x m i l was a Godsend ...I was working full time, and school hols involved a weekend trip down to Essex in order that their gc could spend the holidays with the family , her aunties and uncles and maybe even see her father ....she loved going there, and for me it was such a help...I never had a problem with the ex i.ls, only the ex husband !

Instead of worrying and making yourself miserable and unhappy, why not just mention in a friendly way, that you hope your GC's will still see as much of you now that the other Gran will be moving nearer, and leave it at that ! Time will tell ....rather than causing a rift that could become a problem ! Good luck !

They are 9 and 4 . Thank you for all your comments. Yes I look after them so dil can work.
I don't feel quite so bad now. I've been having what I think are anxiety attacks lately for no reason that I know of which is possibly why I was reacting this way.

CBA

I agree with Craftycat take what advantage you can being the GP further away. Two lots of our DGC who live fairly near by have been away with the other GPs this summer and we have seen very little of them.

Ellie I get you're being worried. But I presume you watch your gc during the week so dil can work a couple of days or get more chores/errands done. If that's the case, then since her parents work, I don't see why anything would change.

But I also presume the kids are very little (i.e. under school age). So soon enough things will change anyway. I strongly doubt that ds and dil would want to pull the children away from people they have a warm, loving relationship with though. So, no matter what happens, I'm sure you'll still remain an important part of your gc's lives.

I can imagine how you are feeling Ellie Anne - grandchildren create overwhelming feelings in us all. I am a worrier but as I grow older one thing I have learned is that many of the worries I had didn't become the bad situations I envisaged. Presumably you are still keeping your 2 days, if so try to continue as normal and see how everything pans out. You will have built up good relationships with your grandchildren over the years and nothing will spoil that (draw confidence from this) - and as many others have said seeing you will be a treat. Hang on in there ... it won't be as bad as you think.

I know just how you are feeling. My DS & DiL lived a 5 min walk away when DGS was born- when he was just 1 they moved back to her home town where her parents live- 40 min drive from us. I was bereft as I had been able to look after him a lot.
12 years & 2 more GC later & we have a really special bond & the DC love coming here to stay a LOT! I was always available to have the DC overnight & in school holidays & still am. DS & DiL split up & we have still managed to keep the bond going despite them now living only a walk away from other GPs.
Let the distance be a positive point so they have to stay overnight when they come & just have loads of fun with them. We always try to do different things- experiments, crafting, cooking etc. & they love coming here.
My own GPs when I was young lived almost next door & 2-3 hours away but by the sea. I had great relationships with both- different but both good.
You can do it & the winners will be the GC!

It doesn’t seem likely from what you have said that you will lose contact with your grandchildren as you appear to have a strong relationship. However I would tread very carefully and keep the lines of communication open. I don’t think you mentioned how old the children are (because after a certain age they would be able to contact you themselves) but doubtless you are aware that under UK law, grandparents have no rights of contact at all. Without wishing to be a doom-monger, this allows the parents to use all kinds of bullying and blackmail, against which the grandparents, often elderly and in imperfect health, have little defence. I would add that while most parents are decent and would never dream of doing such a thing, others are not, and families are often hotbeds of repressed jealousy. I run a support group for non-contact grandparents in Worcestershire, and have come into contact with a lot of this, which I suspect is a huge hidden problem. A few months ago a national online petition was started with the aim of obtaining a Parliamentary debate on this subject, but unfortunately it was cancelled because of the snap General Election. It is hoped that it will be restarted when the time is right.

Chat to DIL and gently voice your worry about feeling left out. Hopefully she will empathise and do all she can to include you.

Ellie Anne - I am close to my daughter, but for several years they lived around the corner from SIL's parents, who saw the children every day. It was very hard at first, and the jealousy was difficult to keep at bay, but I just made sure that when we did see the children, they felt loved and special, and they would look forward to their visits to us and ours to them. It took time, but I know we have a special place in their lives.

Although my SIL is not close to his parents, he and my DD make sure that now they've moved a distance away, they don't lose their contact either. I think it's all down to my DD - and I think it's probable that your DIL will do the same for you. Cherish all the time you have with your grandchildren - I assure you they will still love their time with you.