Gransnet forums



(14 Posts)
Flunkie1 Sat 23-Sep-17 08:47:19

Hi all, just joined and would really appreciate some advice. My 24 year old daughter moved out of our family home 3 months ago leaving my soon to be 4 year old granddaughter here. She has openly admitted to everyone over the years that she has never bonded with my granddaughter and feels like a sister. She is pregnant again (!!!!!) and has moved in with that baby's dad and his family. She sees my granddaughter once maybe twice a week, since the 27th June she has seen my granddaughter 25 times!! I left my full time job 2 years ago to care for my granddaughter full time because her needs weren't being met by her mum and my daughter went back to work. Because of this my granddaughter is very attached to me and looks at her mum as being the person who just takes her to fun places once a week whilst I'm at home making sure her school uniform is clean!! Ss aren't involved at present (scares the life out of me to be honest with the stories I've read!) but now my daughter is saying she'll have her daughter back in a year to year and a half!! My daughter has a mental health issue and one of the symptoms is pathological lying as part of the condition but assures me she is getting help but she lies about everything so it's hard to tell what the truths are because she is so good at it! Sorry for the long post but we are desperately searching for advice on what my husband and I do next. Many thanks. smile

Nanabilly Sat 23-Sep-17 09:01:15

If I were you I would just leave things as they are and continue to bring up your granddaughter and hope you don't end up with the other one too but he prepared in case you do.
Years and years ago it happened loads so I hear. SS had no involvement and things just carried on regardless . Imagine if SS got involved and you had to deal with some of the horrors some grans on here are having to deal with .
Good luck and I hope your daughter can get any help she might need. Does she get any or is she coping without ?

Luckygirl Sat 23-Sep-17 09:12:17

If your DD asks for her DD to take up residence with her at some point in the future, and you are concerned about the child's well-being if she were to return, you would not have a leg to stand on - your DGD would have to return to her mother. You would need the support of SSD in that situation. It might be better to have all your ducks in a row before then.

I too hope that your DD is getting the appropriate mental health care input.

Luckygirl Sat 23-Sep-17 09:18:40

If you go to the top strip on this website, off to the right is a heading called Legal and Money, and in there is a section on kinship caring which you might find helpful.

silverlining48 Sat 23-Sep-17 10:29:25

I think there are grans online in a similar position who cohkd help but look at legal as advused. Would also suggest you get some legal advice about your situation from cab or other agency, aS lucky girl says, line up those ducks! Good luck.

Nannarose Sat 23-Sep-17 10:43:46

Flunkiel, I am going to suggest as gently as I can that you do inform Social Services. At present you son't have legal parental responsibility, and that could become an issue (do the school accept you signature on consent slips?)

In the situation you describe they will be a help not a hindrance as their responsibility is to do what is best for the child- so more likely to be a help if you contact them now whilst your have your DGD on an even keel.

I suggest 3 possibilities for support in approaching them :

1. Is there a family worker or other supportive person at school who understands the situation? They may be able to point you in the right direction.
2. who have a great deal of experience in this situation and
3. You can contact your local Social Services by telephone anonymously - look them up on your council website. That way you can find out what the situation is without committing yourself.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.

Flunkie1 Sat 23-Sep-17 11:28:31

My husband and I do have massive concerns about if my daughter were to come and just take my granddaughter purely by what we have seen over the past 3 years, hence why I gave up my job. My granddaughters father is not on the scene and hasn't been since she was a month old, last time we heard from him he threatened to burn down our house with us inside! I have spoken to the nspcc and frg and grandparent plus, I have spoken to the schools counsellor and explained the situation. There is a whole bag of mixed emotions, one hand I love my daughter but hate the things she has done, I love my granddaughter like she was my own and just want what's best for her. I feel like we are betraying my daughter somehow by reporting her but I need to protect my granddaughter.

Deedaa Sat 23-Sep-17 20:55:41

Obviously you love your daughter, but your grand daughter is hardly more than a baby and I think her safety and happiness must come before anything else. I think you will have to approach Social Services. It is in your daughter's bast interest as well as the little girl's to make sure she doesn't come to any harm. Have you kept a diary of your daughter's contact with your grand daughter?

Flunkie1 Sat 23-Sep-17 23:48:52

Yes, I've kept a daily log of visits (and times to and from), calls and texts and the days we hear nothing.

Starlady Sun 24-Sep-17 18:39:09

How lucky your gd is to have you and dh in her life! Just think what might have happened to her if she didn't.

Chances are, dd won't ever take her and will end up giving you this other baby, too. But I agree you can't be sure. Yes, you're torn between your love for dd and your need to protect gd. But I agree with others that, at this point, protecting gd comes first. She's an innocent child who can't protect herself. Please do take the steps needed to insure that her mum doesn't bounce her back and forth. You and dh may need to go for custody or guardianship somewhere along the line.

Welcome and best of luck to you!

Iam64 Sun 24-Sep-17 18:53:53

You are doing your best to support your daughter and your granddaughter. You are realistic without being cold and critical towards your daughter. Currently your daughter is the only person with Parental Responsibility. In the worst case scenario, she could decide to pick her daughter up and take her to live with her new boyfriend. It sounds as though that wouldn't be in your granddaughter's best interests, or something you feel you could accept and support. This may never happen but the uncertainty isn't easy to live with.

As things stand, this is a private family arrangement. This kind of thing has aways happened, much more often than we may think. I suspect that if you went to talk to the duty social worker, you may well be advised that as the little one is safe with you, there isn't a role for social workers in your granddaughter's life currently. Legally, no one could intervene if your daughter decided to resume care of her daughter. Have you considered taking some legal advice. Does your daughter know how strongly you feel about this.
So many grandparents or other relatives are in similar situations. Its good that you found the FRG website. Best of luck with this

phoenix Sun 24-Sep-17 19:24:11

Sounds like you are doing a good job, but why does a 3 year old have school uniform? confused

PamelaJ1 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:02:41

I haven't got anything practical to add but well done you.

Flunkie1 Sun 24-Sep-17 20:20:57

Thank you all for your advice. I have spoken to my daughter in regards to ss and she said I would just be making things worse! I've kept her informed of everything along the way, i.e. Nspcc call, frg call and school so that she can never say that I have done it all behind her back maliciously. I won't argue with her in front of my granddaughter and encourage lilun to speak on the phone when she calls. I am constantly asking my daughter to come round to bath her, put her to bed etc but there is always an excuse on her part. I can show my daughter everything that goes with being a parent but sadly I can't make her WANT to be one. Obviously my husband and I feel massive anger and hurt at my daughter for the way she has and is behaving (we are only human) but we would never show it to our granddaughter.
Phoenix lilun has a school uniform because she is at preschool coinciding with a primary school. smile