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(14 Posts)
annie1948 Thu 23-Nov-17 00:03:25

I would like to know what other grannies think about a situation I find myself in , I’m very sentimental and care for my gds very much, but my family moved away to another country. I visited several times but for short periods,my dd then on the latest trip was very critical of me because she suggested I didn’t spend enough time with the children.i am so hurt and the overwhelming thought is “you moved”any thoughts it has caused a rift and I sometimes wonder is she happy with her life,

Day6 Thu 23-Nov-17 00:43:36

Your daughter's criticism is a bit harsh.

How can you spend more time with your grandchildren if she moved away to another country? Does she expect you to visit her more often? Does your daughter make the effort to come back and spend time with you in this country?

It's a strange thing to say and it would be easy for you to defend yourself but perhaps next time you are together you could sit down for a chat together and see if you could get to the root of the problem.

Your daughter may be struggling with something but you become the one she takes it out on because she needs more help and support, maybe?

I hope you can find out why she said what she did. It obviously hurts and puzzles you.

Greyduster Thu 23-Nov-17 08:38:03

I think it is harsh, too. I assume she is saying that you don’t spend enough time with the children while you are actually there, not that you don’t visit often enough, but surely you are allowed some time to yourself. It sounds as if she has an underlying issue that she is taking out on you. I have seen this happen with my daughter. Try and talk to her about it, but let her know she is out of order (I suspect she knows anyway).

M0nica Thu 23-Nov-17 09:16:58

Annie, how I feel for you. DDs can be very strange. I was in a happy conversation with mine recently when she suddenly started telling me how I failed her as a child, wouldn't let me respond and when she had finished resumed our previous conversation.

After I had recovered from the shock. I discussed the conversation with both DH and DS, both of whom promptly disagreed with everything she had said, citing chapter and verse. I still have a very close and loving relationship with DD. It is as if her diatribe never happened. I do not know what triggered it, or even if she remembers saying it all, it was such a short incident.

Annie, ask your daughter about her comments and what she means by it. Can you discuss it with your other daughter? I always find being prepared to talk about things gets me far further than bottling it up and being upset.

Luckygirl Thu 23-Nov-17 09:18:58

Do you think that you did not spend much time with the children when you were there? - might this be what she is getting at?

Otherwise it seems bit perverse to move country d the complain about the amount of time you spend with the children. Could you gently ask her to clarify what she meant by that?

What a pain. this must be or you.

lemongrove Thu 23-Nov-17 09:44:26

I think it means when you are there visiting ( lack of time with children.) Perhaps it’s because you want to spend time with her...your DD in any case you are there ‘in situ’ if the children want to talk to you, so it hardly makes sense.
As others say, sometimes daughters don’t always make sense though, and grievances ‘come out’ in oblique ways!
I would try and put it to the back of your mind, in my ( considerable) experience, daughters, once adults are much harder on Mothers than sons are.

Christinefrance Thu 23-Nov-17 10:17:40

I agree with lemongrove don't take it to heart, daughters can be very critical. Often there is some other concern behind what is said. Move on and don't let this spoil things for you.

mumofmadboys Thu 23-Nov-17 10:23:25

I think adult children sometimes take out their anger on their parents knowing it is a safe place as we will continue to love them whatever. They cannot do this with friends. Your DD may have been cross about something else and you were in the firing line at that minute. Could she have been talking to friends and someone said how helpful/ useful their mum was and she felt a twinge of jealousy? Don't take it to heart!

Fennel Thu 23-Nov-17 11:20:48

Good post, mumof madboys.
The mother -daughter relationship is famous for this.

Bluegal Thu 23-Nov-17 18:43:46

Another vote for 'don't take it to heart' Who knows what she means? PMT? Bad day at the office?

As you say you are sentimental. Are you also sensitive? I am not in that situation but personally I would say something like 'well move back to UK then and I will spend more time with them'

Sometimes AC still believe like little children, that mum and dad are super heroes! We're not; don't fret, just tell her as it is!

annie1948 Sun 26-Nov-17 10:43:23

Thank you everyone who replied
It really does help, to get the support,

Coolgran65 Sun 26-Nov-17 16:54:27

I fully understand how you feel to be on the receiving end of this comment.

I have heard on occasion about some of my failings - it certainly hurts.
I sometimes think that an offspring will make comment and then can put it to the side while we are hurting to the core and can't forget it.,, ever.
All the more difficult if the offspring is not living locally. To go back on it could possibly make it even more of an issue.

FarNorth Sun 26-Nov-17 17:04:10

Did your DD have this as a running theme during your visit or was it a one off comment?

Either way, I think I'd say I was a bit confused by her saying it and ask what she'd like you to do.

Starlady Sun 26-Nov-17 21:16:18

Did dd mean you don't visit often enough or long enough? Or that when you visit, you don't spend enough time with the kids?

If you're not sure, ask. But remember, this is just her opinion (and remind her of that). Only you can decide what's "enough time" for you.