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Entitlement Issues

(25 Posts)
Duke2017 Thu 30-Nov-17 13:00:59

I had allowed my wife's son to have residence in our home. He already had several years of accumulated vehicles and other belongings all through-out our home and property.
All of this was to be rectified while taking up residence here with his partner and four children. Needles to say, this never happened. Immediately severe hoarding ensued. Parenting was almost null and void. The household chores, including and not limited to, cooking , laundry, cleaning, etc. Yes, children slowly learn to do these things as they grow and mature. I don't agree that it is imperative and enforced with punishment and screaming at them? This became overwhelming and our attempts to "repair" this broken machine became "harassment". Long story short they gave notice and today is there last day. For the past 45-days they refused to remain in our home and returned eight times to remove things. There remains several vehicles, a camper full of metal parts and other belongings. We allowed and enabled this life style and now have to deal with it the hard way. How does one reach such a mind-set and help a family that rebukes our attempts to assist them? I could take the nickle and dime reciprocation, greediness and petty behavior even, but the gross lack of respect I cannot.

Friday Thu 30-Nov-17 13:32:26

It’s sad that you’ve had all your efforts to help thrown back in your face. Now it’s time to put all that behind you and enjoy having the house to yourself.

Re the junk left behind. Write a polite letter, keep a copy and tell them they have x number of days to remove it. Send this recorded delivery. Then (as doubtless this will not happen) get a local scrap metal firm to remove everything. It should cost nothing as they will sell it at a profit.

Duke2017 Thu 30-Nov-17 14:19:25

Oh, yes, we follow the guidelines for tenant removal accordingly. Once all this began we were no longer "family" we then became, Landlords. I have a Camper, (no salvage will touch). I have an old junk mustang which involves State Police and a Salvage Yard, if removed. It's the ongoing entitlement issues that kill me here.......Four vehicles we asked to be removed for over a year, were gone in a couple of weeks? Why not when we asked to avoid all of this B.S.? confused

Baggs Thu 30-Nov-17 14:26:49

Because your wife's son is a jerk is the simple answer.

Baggs Thu 30-Nov-17 14:27:32

What does your wife say about her tiresome son?

Wheniwasyourage Thu 30-Nov-17 18:46:58

You are in the USA, am I right? Not that that makes any difference to the bad behaviour you have had to cope with!

lemongrove Thu 30-Nov-17 20:28:38

be thankful perhaps that they have now gone.This kind of thing can lead to illness and depression for you.
have it all cleared away and enjoy your own lives now ,good luck.

antheacarol55 Fri 01-Dec-17 10:01:57

You have done more than many people .I would try to let go of the why question because no answer will come .
Start to enjoy your home and put this behind you .It will take time but it is for the best .
Some people are takers and not givers .
In the long run the step-son will live to regret his unreasonable behaviour

Jaycee5 Fri 01-Dec-17 10:43:22

Hoarding is a serious problem and isn't solved by getting cross or putting pressure on any more than depression is solved by telling someone to buck up.
No one should have to live with someone else's hoard and there was no option but for them to leave.
People with anxiety disorders do get angry when challenged but they are not doing it on purpose and blame doesn't help.
It is a shame that there are children involved because these kind of disorders are inherently abusive to children and I would have thought that they are where the focus should be. He won't change but their situation will deteriorate.

trisher Fri 01-Dec-17 10:51:31

The first sentence says it all for me I have allowed. Big of you! Didn't your wife have any say? Was the son really welcomed? He might be fairly useless and inadequate, I really don't know. But the tone of your post doesn't come across as caring or loving. Respect can never be demanded it is earned through care and example.

tigger Fri 01-Dec-17 11:22:13

Just be glad they are gone, that was the worst part over. The rest you can easily deal with.

tigger Fri 01-Dec-17 11:23:11

PS trisher, that was a bit harsh.

Madgran77 Fri 01-Dec-17 11:29:43

Actually I don't think Trisher was harsh! The tone of the OP made me uncomfortable particularly the lack of reference to the wife/mother

Oldwoman70 Fri 01-Dec-17 11:34:32

I don't have children so don't normally post on threads like this, however, whilst I understand anyone wanting to do whatever they can to help their children where do you drawn the line? I have a friend who, when her son finished university welcomed him back home, he got a part time job as he wanted to save up to go travelling so my friend didn't charge him anything. He has now moved his girlfriend into the house - the girlfriend doesn't work and has turned down several jobs because either they start too early, finish too late or she would have to work weekends. Neither of them do anything in the house with my friend doing all washing, cooking and cleaning. When visiting I have often had to bite my tongue when I see her working so hard whilst they just sit around.

Bluekitchen192 Fri 01-Dec-17 11:56:40

Whose house is it anyway? Doesnt hakf of it belong to the writers wife? The mother of the hoarding son and grandnother to the four unruly children? Read some fairy atories about the fate of atepchildren. Then ask again if you did the right thing?

grandtanteJE65 Fri 01-Dec-17 14:27:01

Make sure before you follow the advice to get rid of the junk they have left if they do not react to given notice, that it is actually legal for you to dispose of it.

Like Friday I assume you are in the US and I don't know whether you are entitled just to dispose of your stepson's property. Here in Denmark, what Friday suggests and which I am sure is legal in the UK would be regarded as simple theft, as we have to advertise in a national newspaper and the Financial Times and inform the local court house that we intend to dispose of a former lodger's property, as well as sending the demand to him to come and collect his things by recorded delivery.

I don't know the law where you are, but better safe than sorry.

quizqueen Fri 01-Dec-17 16:03:19

You should have insisted that things were moved as a pre-condition of this man taking up residence previously. Instead, you allowed this man to live in your property even knowing his poor past record so, sorry, it's no good complaining now. My sympathy is for the neighbours having to live next door to a tip.

GoldenAge Fri 01-Dec-17 16:21:13

Whether this errant son is a biological son or a stepson doesn't matter - so for those on this thread who are trying to introduce a sub-story that doesn't exist - you need to ask yourselves how you would cope if four extra bodies suddenly moved into your home and basically wrecked it. It wouldn't matter whether they were your favourite people or otherwise, your patience would be severely tested and even the best relationship laid to rest. In this case Duke17 clearly says he 'allowed' the stepson to move in and that suggests that it was against his better judgement because he knew from experience that it would be difficult, and that he let himself be persuaded by his wife.

Coconut Fri 01-Dec-17 16:21:46

As you say you have really enabled this situation which is very upsetting for you. I’ve always found its best to iron out issues as you go along and set clear boundaries. I hope you can now have some peace in your life. Re the debris left behind, give him a deadline to remove it all ( text, email or letter as proof that you gave adequate notice) and say that otherwise you will be forced to remove it yourself.

vampirequeen Fri 01-Dec-17 16:23:26

Check out your local laws regarding giving him time to collect his junk. Once that time is up get it collected and move on with your lives. It seems your son in law and his family want to live an 'alternative' lifestyle which is fine as long as they do it in their own space.You have the right to feel comfortable in your own home.

rafichagran Fri 01-Dec-17 19:40:28

Totally agree with Goldenage. I think the son sounds horrendous.
I would never let my partner's son into my home and allow him to behave that way. Neither would I consider it my job to set a example to him, he has his biological parents for that.

willa45 Sat 02-Dec-17 01:20:19

Duke2017....It wasn't that you and your wife welcomed them in your home (presumably in good faith). The problem was that they are a dysfunctional family with serious problems. They were 'guests' in your home and they abused that privilege by behaving badly.

Multi generational families can co exist peacefully provided they are emotionally mature, highly respectful and willing to assume an equitable share of household burdens, financial and otherwise. It appears your stepson's family is none of the above.

You made an error in judgment that has now been corrected. With regard to the received good advice here by other posters....a written ultimatum to collect all the items by a certain date or items will have to be disposed of. If they still don't comply, pay someone to take everything away.

f77ms Sat 02-Dec-17 15:29:03

I don`t agree with the poster who infers that hoarding is a disorder which is similar to depression and that you shouldn`t `get cross` with hoarders ! . From what I have seen most hoarding is abject slovenliness and bone idleness which should not be pussy footed around . This son sounds like a nightmare and the op should not have to put up with him trashing his home . Give him a time limit then get rid of his junk .

Starlady Sat 02-Dec-17 17:09:43

I don't think most "hoarding" is "abject slovenliness," etc, f77. I don't have personal experience with it, TG, but from what Iv heard, most hoarders get very emotional about their stuff. They don't just hold onto it because they're lazy.

Anyhow, Duke, I agree with posters who say you should just be glad they're gone. Also, imo, you should be glad they are removing their things and not worry so much about whether or not it's on your timetable. If you can't wait any longer to get rid of the rest of it, though, I understand. But I agree with the idea of checking the local laws before you dispose of anything.

M0nica Sat 02-Dec-17 17:27:19

There is a big difference in nature between slovenly untidiness and a failure to clean and sort, and hoarding.

Hoarding is the compulsive acquisition of material and an incapacity to part with it. Some years ago there was a programme called 'The Hoarder next door' with a very nice psychologist, Stelios ????. For all the people he saw, hoarding was a sign of deeper psychological problems and as these eased, so did the hoarding. There were one or two whose problems defeated him, but he still managed to bring some alleviation.

When Aggie and her mate went round cleaning peoples houses you could see the difference between those whose capacity to cope had lapsed because of a family crisis and trauma and then needed the boost of some help to get fully on their feet again and a couple who were clearly hoarders. One or two houses they did not return to because it was clear that a sort out hadn't helped and another where they hired a garage for everything from the house to go to because the women would part with nothing and stuff was clearly coming back before Aggie and friend shut the garden gate