Paternal grandparenting

MovingOn2018, Brilliant.

Some others,
crikey I should go onto the thread about putting your foot in it!

Baby1, sorry,
please don’t think I mean that you are obsessed or paranoid, but there have been so many posts lately from MILs and they are all so similar in their content and they all seem devastated about things that others regard as normal.

Movingon, your post made so much sense, that’s obviously why some people have an easy transition when their DCs leave home and make their own way in the world, marry and start a family and others seem to be unable to function and appear to be obsessed and paranoid.
I always thought it was a mother/son thing and that’s why I couldnt understand it.

Seasiders you should be able to do that! I’m sure there partners do as well.

If I wanted to discuss a private family matter with my children I would do so even though I get on with their partners very well. They may well tell their partners at some point but I can't control that. ( the there are some family skeleton s that have come out of the cupboard but out of respect for the dead I will share only with my children)

Moving on thank you, are you s counselor? You should be. I appreciate all that you said! Thank you!

Baby1

Kindly don't take this personal. It's not. You mentioned that you are extremely hurt. I honestly hope that things get better for you. I'll leave you with one last and long advice that may hopefully aid in you regain control of your own happiness.

EVERYONE grows to be their OWN person. As a result, we ALL grow up having our OWN dreams, hopes, beliefs, fears and emotions etc. Respect is therefore a key factor, for anyone hoping to maintain a healthy relationship - with another individual who just like you, has ALSO grown up to be their OWN person. Some people experience a form of deep emotional pain (uncontrollable) that’s intentionally caused by another person. Others, experience a form of deep emotional pain (controllable), based off their set, but UNMET EXPECTATIONS in life. Such unmet expectations are derived from a perceived form of happiness. One highly anticipates that ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL, whom we have no control over, and has also grown to be their own person - will suddenly change in a manner that either accommodates your expectations, or adapt into a tradition of already set expectations.

Again, such pain is controllable only because this form of emotional pain is NOT caused by this other person. This deep pain that you feel SOLELY originates from the set, but unmet expectations, you had from the other person/people. Your hurting because their expectations do not mirror yours. Then one starts to feel jealous, hurt and betrayed. Such feelings are often followed by grief, anger and feelings of revenge. Eventually one feels the need to take matters into their own hands - and tries to compete with others, and make their “dominant,” presence known. When all fails, they try to exclude their perceived target, by controlling and manipulative tactics – thinking that this would be the last resort to having their unmet expectations met.

Your happiness will come with a CHANGE IN YOUR EXPECTATIONS. People may/will never change, their priorities. Their expectations may never mirror yours. If anything they may eventually see you as a nuisance or a threat to their own set of EXPECTATIONS, and simply cut you off. Then what? How often do we stop, step back for just a minute and ask ourselves how much we really EXPECT from another person? How much more happiness can I (ME not them) derive, if I changed MY own expectations? Take control of your happiness, take control of your set expectations, and make yourself happy.

I’m glad you learned from this experience, and understood that an invitation that excludes certain family members for, “It was a private matter in my extended family,” doesn’t have to include another woman’s child, while excluding their very own mother; whom by the look of your books isn’t even considered “family?” If you can’t change your expectations, try and learn to respect expectations that don’t, or no-longer mirror yours. Wish you all the best in your journey to happiness. Remember to focus your energy on people who genuinely RECIPROCATE the care and love you show unto them.

Less time for him to be gone that is

Violet floss, I agree. I asked him to come here first, and later asked about meeting halfway so it could be less time.

Corner gran thank you for the advice and support. I appreciate it.

Maybe he's wanting to include her in the family discussion because she is family.

And in all honesty, neither do I but the comment about them not being married stuck out for me. You dont class her as family and maybe that stuck out for him too.
Also maybe he didn't think it was that much of a personal problem?

Example, if I needed to talk to My older DD about a private/personal matter, I wouldn't do it in public over breakfast with my baby grandson.

If I needed to talk to anyone about anything like that I'd do it in private.

baby1 I sometimes think being a mother in law is fraught with danger. Often we are in the damned if we do and damned if we don’t position and yes if we generalise I do think there are more eggshells for the mother of sons. Of course others will disagree, but that’s fine, we can all have our own opinions.

You aren’t wrong to want to spend time with your son and his child, but the reality is he has his own family and those I’m moments just can’t be manipulated. If it is his choice then that’s fine, otherwise he comes as a package with his partner.

Please don’t be hurt, it just takes time to be accustomed to. On the positive side you do have regular contact, try to make the most of it, maybe suggest something you can all do together. There will be times you are with your son and his partner is elsewhere but please don’t try to force them, let those times happen as they do. Try to be positive, enjoy the time you have with them all and maybe relax a little and just see what happens.

Well it’s hard to know how you’ll feel when theyre older then. If one is having some issues and you want to talk with your other daughter about it privately, and she says only if I bring my husband, then you’ll know what it’s like. Look at you little ones and think about how you would feel if you wanted to talk to one of them when you needed advice or comfort and they said only if my husband can come. Sometimes you should be able to be alone with your child. I asked for 1 Hour alone since they’ve been together, I really didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

'viokefloss have you ever met with you son or daughter alone to discuss a family matter? '

No.
My 2 DDs are still very small.

However, in 20 years time, if they had a partner who they had a house and a child with and something important needed discussing I'd be under the impression they would then share it with said partner.
So there's no point in excluding the partner in the first place.

His partner is his family. Married or not.

Moving on. It was a private matter in my extended family. I love your Generlized MIL comment, I can tell you aren’t one, and haven’t experienced anything that would hurt you. I’m happy for you. However, You should read the other posts before you reply as your repeating things that were already clarified.

“They are not married. She got pregnant shortly after moving in with him.”

She did not just get pregnant. HE impregnated her shortly after she moved in with him.

“Another reason I felt it was ok to ask my son to discuss a family matter without her present was because they were not married and if she knew our family better, that may have been different. I asked for an hour with my son alone to discuss some family matters and asked if he could bring Grandson with, as I hadn’t seen him in awhile.”

Discuss a family matter? Whose family? Yours or the NUCLEAR family that HE has now created with HER?
Why should she know your family better for things to be different? Had you known her family better, would things also have been different?

Seems more like a divide and conquer strategy to me; something most MIL are very notorious of doing. Interfering and meddling in their AC households. An issue that does not concern a man his wife and his child, should not be of concern to others. In the event that it is, it should be discussed with BOTH members of that household. Not trying to exclude the mother to the child, by only inviting your Son and HER child, in an attempt to control your son into submission.

viokefloss have you ever met with you son or daughter alone to discuss a family matter? I’m sure you and everyone else had. That would not mean you are excluding someone from the family.

If he works and she's a SAHM, maybe that's why she has more time on her hands than him. Maybe he doesn't mind her doing these things.
Did you say they do more things with her side? As a family?

If you don't view her as family, which I'd bet my last penny she picks up on, as does he, so that comment he made now makes sense about excluding her.

PAddyann we have all accepted her. We have included her in absolutely everything we have done. We have offered to help her and babysit whenever she needs anything. She knows we would be there in 5 seconds if she needed us, because we have always done that. Thank you for the advice.

Gummy bear, no problem, and I wish you all the best. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can pm me.

The above message was intended for violet floss

Of course I didn’t say that to my son. His gf does not include him in her families discussions,and he hasn’t been included in many things. Several vacations she and the baby went on with her family without him, as well as many weekend lunches and get togethers with her family. That’s why I thought nothing of it. But, like I said, I now know I was wrong based on comments. Sorry for the wording you didn’t like. Yes, they created a baby but I wouldn’t say they got pregnant, as Only a woman can. I said she moved in, as she moved into his house. Why do you try ti find fault in everything someone says?

don’t

Baby, I am deeply sorry I caused your thread to go off on a tangent. I stopped posting on it for exactly that reason but the damage was already done. My sincerest apologies.