Don't know what to do for the best

Oh what an awful situation.
I'm not surprised your grandson plays up if his mum is constantly looking at her phone: what other way is there for him to get attention/stimulation?
How is his behaviour at school?

This doesn't sound something that you can manage on your own, Toni1974, as it's so deep-rooted. I'd start with your GS's school and see what help they can offer.

Other GN posters have much more experience of such situations than I do and I am sure they will give you some useful information.

To my knowledge he's ok at school .But I'm gonna ring to speak to his teacher to see if his behaviour has changed in any way . He very rarely gets in to trouble at school

Could you explain what o.d.d. is please?

Yes, I would start with the school, and see how things are there.
Then you need to tackle getting your daughter to actually go somewhere about her depression.

NanaK45, I think it stands for Oppostional Defiant Disorder.

It does!
I should have known that

Oppositional defiance disorder Nanakate sounds more like a confused kid trying to get his mums attention to me if he’s good at school and no problem with you if it was o.d,d he wouldn’t be able to turn it on and off for different people
Could you have the granddaughter at weekend maybe to give her a little break bless her

BlueBelle I agree he sounds like a very confused little boy and from what you have described it is not surprising. I'm sure I have read somewhere that 'Relate' do Family counselling. I think you all need help and you certainly cannot continue to deal with this on your own. Perhaps your GP or the school have some suggestions too.

Grandparents these days seem to have so much to cope with. I sincerely hope that things improve for you soon.

Has your DD got a partner/DH ? Could your GD come and stay with you occasionally by herself? Otherwise it may appear to her that bad behaviour is being rewarded.

I ve read through your post again Toni and I have a few questions ?
How many children are there? You say ‘he wakes his siblings up ‘ meaning more than the granddaughter you speak of
You say he changed after the summer holidays ... did anything happen in the holiday time is that worth following up ?
He behaves well at yours goes to bed, sleeps well and gets up all normally so the conclusion is he is just reacting to his erratic home life which he can’t and shouldn’t have to cope with
You need more help are you on your own or do you have a husband or other children around to give you some support
Are the other grandchildren looked after properly by your daughter, is it just him she can’t manage
Is there love shown to her children or has she mentally removed herself completely and closed down Are there any fathers /partners involved ?
You had him for the first two years of his life and it sounds as if he needs to be with you at least until your daughter starts to help herself, can you manage it though ?
Do seek family help

I don't know if it is of any help but my kind, caring, cuddly, funny DGS had around 6 months of similar behaviour as a 10 year old. This was in a stable 2 parent 2 children family. Now 11 he has become 'himself' again and it is hard to remember that a year ago he was beating up his wee sister, swearing at his father, slamming doors, kicking the cat, walking out, hiding in the shed in floods of tears.

There was no recourse to professional help, just a firm enforcement of boundaries, lots of praise and thanks for good behaviour and from DGS a recognition of his own talents, strengths and weaknesses. DD put it all down to a pre-puberty surge of testosterone.

Toni1974 the problem isn't your grandson, it's very clearly your daughter, since his behaviour manifests itself around her and he is normal with you and at school. It seems that she has never allowed her depression to be addressed and that, following the child's birth, she never established a bonded relationship with him. He has not had a stable upbringing, though you have been a beacon of stability for him. I take it that there is no father figure on the scene.
Family therapy would seem to be a start but I can see that it might be difficult to persuade your daughter to accept this course of action. Maybe you could have a word with the family's GP?

Hi I do have my g.d at the week ends I have both of them . Normally when I finish work I go pick g.s up from either his dad's or FRM my daughter's the kids are their day 2 days in week for a few hrs after school and they stay over with him one day from the week end. Usually I end up feeling guilty as she s looks at me with that look .

My daughter does have a partner whom she is due to marry in September this year which I don't think she should go through with it as they are forever falling out .every other week she is throwing him out and I've said to her I believe his issues are down to What s going on at home .But she just comes out with now he just wants to be in control .I've said he's nearly ten he doesn't know the meaning of the word control and if he does he's learnt it from you and him .As that's what sort of relationship the seem to have .no trust there and they seem to thrive off controlling each other . Her kids are nearly 10 g.d is nearly 8 and the youngest which is to her partner now has just gone 2 .my g kids used to like her partner but they seem to have changed towards him.my g.s says he doesn't do anything for any of them meaning him ,his sister, his mum or even his own son .so why should he do anything for him . My daughter has said he partner is depressed I'm like what has he to be depressed about ..and what about seeking help for ur own depression instead of making excuses up for him and her blaming me for everything that s gone on in her life . I did used to actually question myself is it my fault for her been the way she is but now I'm like I should just concentrate on making sure my g.s has a happy upbringing .my daughter lacks in confidence and as for opening up and talking about what s going on is in possible .I've always been her mouth (unless she s had a drink which when I try bring up what she says when drunk)she shrugs it off .believe me I've tried and tried getting her to seek help as I believe until she can get the help she needs she isn't gonna get anywhere with my g.s .I don't want to get social services involved but I feel it's the only option . It might open her eyes .I do believe she has mentally removed her self completely and closed down and believe she only does what she has to for the youngest because he partner doesn't do anything . I do feel he is the reason she s holding back from seeking help .although she does now realise she does need to talk to someone .But weather she will do something about it is another thing.

Am I doing the right thing by letting my g.s stay with me as it's hardly sorting out there problems if anything I'm just giving her an easy option .

I am not sure if my comments will be helpful or not but here goes. You say your daughter has been depressed perhaps for as long as ten years but is not receiving any medical help. Clearly she is struggling just now with day to day routines. Would it help if you accompanied her to the doctor? Not necessarily to go into theappointmentwhich should be private but to make sure she attends and perhaps promise her lunch after so the two of you can talk - or at least relax away from the home situation. Has she always needed encouragement to motivate herself? That is something she could be supported in. I think from reading your post that you recognise the need to sort out the root of the problem rather than a sticking plaster solution of weekend childcare. You are clearly a caring and worried mother and grandmother and I hope you find the help you need. Perhaps a chat with your own GP or practice nurse to look after your own physical and emotional health would be good. I wish you well and be kind to yourself too.

Yes do carry on looking after your GS. If you can save one casualty from this mess, you are right to try.

Toni, my heart goes out to you and yours! (((Hugs!)))

I agree with others that the home life is the problem, not gs. But you can't solve that - not on your own. You can only help gs by providing him with a stable, loving environment. Bravo to you for doing that!

Sorry gd is jealous about the weekdays. Perhaps you can explain you take gs to reduce the drama in her home.

Have you suggested family counseling? Dd is more likely to listen to a professional than to you, I'm afraid. And the counselor might know how to encourage her to seek help for her depression.

If she won't seek family counseling either, I agree, you may have to contact Social Services. Your gc should not have to grow up in that chaotic environment. Something has to change, and they might be able to make it happen.

If dd knows or suspects you called, however, it may hurt your relationship with her. But that may be worth it if it helps her family. Up to you, of course. Please mull it over carefully.

Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself. Maybe make calls at work off limits, for one thing. Also, can you afford to cut back to working part time? And, perhaps, you should seek counseling for yourself, to help you cope and sort out when you should/shouldn't say "No."

Best to you!

I think you have to get Social Services involved. The family needs huge help and you cant be the only source!!!