Hurtful DIL

Oh dear how horrible for you. I don't have an experience like this and no advice to give but I do hope this situation can change for the better.

Cheeky mare! It’s your money to gift as you see fit so tell her she won’t be added to the account.

How often have we read posts like this on GN? It’s so very sad.

Giving money doesn’t seem to count even though given with love. So I’d suggest that you shelve the idea of a bank account and start a Trust Fund or a Junior ISA that she only can access at a certain age.

I presume OP that you are in the US. I am sorry that things are so strained between you and your DIL.

We live in Australia it is now law that if you work and are aged over 32 you must have health insurance. Our public hospitals are for the poor or those on welfare. It sounds elitist but it’s just the way it is. As for retirees like ourselves we have a superannuation fund ( pension fund) out of this our health is paid. However our DIL was raised differently so all her relatives
have had their children in the public system. However there have been babies that died or have ended up with add autism etc. Our son is 6ft3in and his wife is 5ft her baby (our granddaughter) weighed 9lbs and she had a c section. She had the same Dr all the way through. So the baby would not be born with any issues. The public system here is good but big babies can cause issues.
Not sure our DIL appreciates our help really. So we really try to not be in their company too much as I think we irritate her

I agree OldMeg these sad posts are all to familiar . I can’t see the problem with saving for your DGC.

I would be very wary of allowing her access as it might disappear. Far better for you to control it and then your grandchildren can decide what they want to use it for when they are 21.

Not sure about Australia but in England a Junior Isa has to be under the parents jurisdiction, not a grandparent's.

True

Junior Isas are tax-free savings accounts for under 18s. Anyone can pay into a Junior Isa, up to a maximum of £4,128 in the 2017-18 tax year, and there's no personal income or capital gains tax to pay on any growth.

Junior Isas can be opened by the parents or guardians of children born on or after 3 January 2011, or before 31 August 2002.

While the parents have to take it out, the OP can pay into it and, this is the important part, it can only be accessed by the child when they are 18.

I had forgotten that I didn’t actually take out my GD’s ISA but I’m the one who pays into it.

I don’t know if they have something similar in Australia, but they must surely have trust funds?

Gigi So sorry about your plight with your uncaring d.i.l, even with you & your H being so very generous with paying her medical bills for the birth of your first GC [by her] and picking up half the bill for their wedding.

Your GC's bank account is between you, opening it for them, and the C, nothing to do with d.i.l, why does she want signing power? maybe she wants to dip in from time to time, otherwise why?

I have opened an Issa savings account for my two estranged GC, totally their account, I just put money in for their birthdays & Xmas.

Just read the posts, after I posted mine. I opened my GC junior ISA myself, it was linked with my own ISA account, I didn't need anything from GC parents, if I had needed, I couldn't have opened it, as I haven't seen my D for 5yrs+ now. I can't manage it in anyway, I can only put monies in. I do get a twice yearly statement, but the account is 'locked' for the GC until they are 18yrs.

We put money in our grandchildren's JISAs which our DD and SIL opened for their children. I don't think anyone can withdraw from them until the child when they reach 18.

I would be wary about giving your DIL access and she sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder or maybe she thinks you look down on her because you have more money than her family? I really don't think financial situation should come into it but maybe be a bit sensitive to the fact that money is tight. We are better off than my son in laws parents but we try not to get into competitive grandparenting and don't buy really expensive presents for our grandchildren. We have however helped our DD and son in law with cash gifts but our son in law is lovely and always very appreciative.

We opened accounts for each of our gc and until they are 18 only my husband has access to it . Our sons can find out the balance if they wish but that's it! Not that we don't trust them but it's the way my husband was advised to do it at the time of opening the accounts with a decent chunk of money to start them off. If the parents want them to have an account they also have access to then they can and have opened a different account for them.They use them for birthday and Christmas money but ask us to add any bigger amounts into the accounts my husband opened.

Why does she want to be a signatory? Perhaps she hasn't said and the situation is so difficult you can't ask.

You will find plenty of people on here who have difficult or even non existing relationships with their DiLs, many of whom want total control, not only of the children but of their husbands as well. I have no idea how we managed to breed such selfish women.

I don’t know if they have something similar in Australia, but they must surely have trust funds?
At one time parents were given a lump sum when a baby was born in Australia and the money was supposed to be saved for the child (although not all parents did that).
www.finder.com.au/top-childrens-savings-accounts

sorry, didn't finish post
There are trust funds which the child cannot touch until they are 18. Can be administered by a DP or DGP
www.finder.com.au/open-a-trust-account

Ah!wish i could talk about my relationship with my little grand daughter
my son is estranged and our DIL doesnt want anything to do with us
i have turned to rejected parents site for comfort and advice
love gransnet though iam a gran in name only
many on gransnet have given me much treasured advice about moving on
thank you for this wonderful site

Have you discussed the issue in a non-confrontational way with your son? Not accusing your DiL of being unfriendly but just saying that you are aware that relations between you and your DiL are fractured and how can you get everything on an even keel.

Do you have any idea why your DiL is so defensive with you. Sometimes when there is an economic gap between two sides of a family those at the lower end are often very defensive and assume that the wealthier family look down on them, despise them and consider them 'trash' especially if they have been dependent on benefits.

I think this is an issue has to be treated with kid gloves with you thinking carefully about why she acts as she does.

So often on we hear of problems with DiL's - where are all the sons in this and surely they have to take some responsibility in allowing their wives to treat their mothers like this. So often we hear about the 'bad' Dil's etc etc but surely, this must be a reflection on how the sons have been brought up if they cannot be assertive enough to step in and mediate the relationships. After all both the mum (of the son) and the DiL's love the same man and would only want what's best for him. In your situation Gigi you would be very foolish to hand over signature rights to any bank account as you might find there would be nothing left by the time the children reach 21. It's your money, it your right!! In the meantime communicate how you feel with your son.

So when the time comes she can be free from her controlling Mother.

I'm sorry OP, but you are not coming across very well with a comment like this. I can understand a parent wanting access to their own child's account for various administrative reasons. For example, changing home addresses.

I also don't think her wanting you to visit on the second day of her new baby's life is unusual, two sets of family visiting on the first day would be quite intrusive, and she is obviously going to be a lot more comfortable with her own family than her husband's. So I don't see that as controlling either.

As a previous poster mentioned, why is it always the DIL who is the problem? Your son is just a such involved in their little family and decisions - where is he in all this? I have too many friends who see their son as doing no wrong and laying all problems at the feet of the DIL, yet when you hear what said sons have been up to, it is disgraceful! Surely your son is contributing just as much to the 'hurt' you are feeling?!

I think the OP is worried that the Mother may withdraw the money.
Not a good scenario.

My adult children don’t have access to the bank accounts I set up for my grandchildren. Why should they? It’s not their money; it’s firstly mine, then when transferred to the GC’s accounts it becomes theirs.

Any change of addresses I can do. Their parents are quite happy with that arrangement.

Likely because those accounts can become a bargaining chip or string....and if the parents or other relatives have ever contributed to the account,then their money is being held hostage as well. Are there tax implications for the parents with these sorts of accounts? I wouldn’t be comfortable with an account set up for my children i couldn’t make changes too. We had a big battle over a similar account for my son and finally got my FIL to take himself off the account so my husband’s name only is on it. Because my son is disabled, he can’t have any meaningful funds in his name when he becomes an adult- which FIL refuses to accept. Going against parents wishes is generally a good way to find yourself cut off completely.