after school caregiving

OlgaE, you said 'I'd like to help but, I fear I'll be so pressured that I'll explode and ruin my relationship with gson and his parents.'

Can you explain this to your daughter? She may not realise how her parents are not able to do as much as they once could.

Welcome. You mention other physical help. I wonder if the after school help would be less demanding and someone else could step in to do the physical help you find demanding. Perhaps a chat volunteering what you can do easily and happily and some brainstorming to solve the other needs. Your amicable and loving support must be important and should not go unrecognised. Is your daughter kind and appreciative? The answer to this question might help you decide just how much more you can/wish to do. Good luck with working it out. Update us.

Olga, if you lived on the other side of the world and were not available to provide free childcare, what would your daughter do?

She should figure out the answer and do that.

Plenty of families manage without going to their elderly patents for handouts of time and money. I am sure it is not beyond her to figure out an alternative.

Sorry Gillybob I’ve almost repeated what you posted earlier , I was distracted and skipped over your reply

I would certainly preempt their request by offering to look after your GC for as many days as you feel comfortable with, as other posters have said it’s a long haul until they reach the age where they can look after themselves.

I wouldn’t worry about the days you can’t do it, I’m sure that they won’t have worked out the details of their employment without factoring in childcare arrangements for school runs, school holidays, sick days etc.

And if they are relying on you then you need to get your views in quick before you get caught saying “yes”to things that you aren’t able to do.

This is a difficult one. We pick up various GC or various combination of GC 2 days a week. We’ve scheduled it so it’s Monday and Tuesday so we are free to get on with things the rest of the week.

TBH at that age (6+) they are no trouble and good company, but it does mean you are tied.

I’d invite your family around for a meal/coffee and cakes, something relaxing with the express purpose of you all getting together to discuss after school arrangements before your daughter springs a request on you.

It's better that the child goes to an after school club. Even 2 days a week is a heck of a commitment. Perhaps you could offer a compromise. You wont do the after school or holiday care but you will be the contact should your GD be taken ill at school and need collecting and/or look after her if she's poorly and can't go to school.

Well said Ginny. Although I'm aware its always easier to say than do!

gilly deserves the credit for that suggestion! ?

Jenpax - I'm Canadian and I will look into any aid that the government provides.

Greyduster - I think I'm planning to follow the path you suggest.

OlgaE welcome. We are at GS’s two days a week to keep tabs on him when he comes home from school, and we have him for those same two days in the holidays. We used to pick him up but now he’s old enough to walk home with his friends. Frankly, five days is a very big ask, especially if there is travelling involved. Would she expect you to have him for those same five days during the holidays? I agree with gilly; make an offer on your terms that you feel comfortable with.

Olga, even 2 days a week gets to be tiring over the years. Just remember when you start to do this that it will go on until the eldest child is at least fifteen and the youngest finishes primary school. It is especially tiring if you are providing care in the children's own home with evening meal and homework thrown into the mix.
I've been doing this for ten years and am looking forward to the day when I can finally stop, not least because I'll at last be able to join one or two of the afternoon groups like WI etc which run in my area.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

Sorry I just noticed your dollar sign I assume you are in the US my advice was assuming you lived in the UK so probably isn’t relevant

thanks for practical suggestions in yr post.

My sympathies with this predicament. I had my youngest DD and eldest DGS now 7 living with me until last year. I was heavily supporting her financially and shared the child care at least 50/50 this was along side my own full time job. It did take a toll on me. Like Gillybob I used all my holidays for child care responsibilities especially as DD 3 has a long term health problem! In the end I paid for DGS to do the afterschool club which started running in his school when he reached year 1, it was money well spent as it stopped the inevitable panic calls for last minute pick ups which used to be so stressful
alternatively some child minders will collect from school, and care for this age group until a parent collects. However if it’s financial issues that is at the route of this request then the parents may qualify for child care costs help through their tax credits or universal credit claims (check the benefit calculator on turn2us to see) alternatively some employers give child care vouchers in return for a salary sacrifice (citizens advice website will have info or gov.uk)

Thankyou all for your advice.There is an after school daycare but money is the problem there. I have already given them a large sum of $ to pay off debts and feel it is unwise to give more than I already do.

I'd like to help but, I fear I'll be so pressured that I'll explode and ruin my relationship with gson and his parents.

Tell them what you can do and feel comfortable with, which they should be grateful for. Other than that the children belong to them so it’s not really your problem to worry about.

Welcome to Gransnet OlgaE

This is a hard one. Firstly you can only do as much as you can do and there’s no point in making yourself ill or wearing yourself out to the extent that you won’t be able to do any chilcare at all . Next, is there anyone else to share the after school care ? Or an after school club ? I know not all schools have them though, my own grandchildren’s school doesn’t .
Why not jump in with your offer of 2 days before your daughter asks you , that way you are not caught on the hop.
I’m saying all these things but I’m often put in a tight spot with childcare and use all of my holidays from work to look after my grandchildren when it would be nice to have a bit of real “ time off “ . I also do several school runs, pick ups and overnights every week . I find it hard to say no !

Good luck I wish I could offer some real advise .

It can be a difficult thing to do, but try to be honest with them, and as soon as possible. There are plenty of after school clubs that collect children from school. Might one of those be the solution? It might depend what time the parents finish work though, and whether the club runs until that time. But you definitely need to have that conversation, so good luck with it.

Is there an after school club at your grandchild's school?
You shouldn't feel obliged to take on more than you are able to, so other arrangements will need to be made.